There's just no way that I will be able to complete everything on my list... specifically the forgive and forget. I have tried really hard to make Pat happy and forgive and forget. But I can't do it. I am so hurt and so mad at what he (not Pat) said to me today.
First of all, we were trying to put Nathaniel down for a nap when the doorbell rang. It was the back door and that could only have been one person. Don't come opver between the hours of 1 and 3 in the afternoon. It's naptime. Plain and simple. Everyone understands this but him.
So I opened the back door and told him he could come in. I left to go get Pat to tell him the door was for him, and then I told Nathaniel to go play with the visitor. I came out into the living room, which has a few of Nathaniel's toys on the floor- stuff that Pat had given him to play with before we left this morning. Pat didn't clean up anything, which, while not ideal, is life with a toddler.
Nathaniel decided to show off all his toys that were in his reach, because he wanted his grandpa to play with him. (He wouldn't, which is his loss. My dad would have.) Then he proceeds to tell me that Pat told him what the doctor said. I asked what he meant and he said that even though to doctor tells me Nathaniel is smart, he's not growing. I was furious! Nathaniel was tiny when he was born, and had to wear preemie clothes. He is 2 years old and wears a 2T. That's EXACTLY where he is supposed to be! There is nothing wrong with his size.
But it hurt me so bad. I don't care what you say about me, but don't you fucking dare say something negative about my son. What are you saying, asshole? That there's something wrong with your one and only grandson?
I was just so pissed I stopped talking. So he turned his attention to the floor of our living room. Apparently, all we need to do is to teach Nathaniel to pick up his clothes. No shit, asswipe. I wish I had thought of this genius bit of knowledge. My life would be so easy. I'd never have to pick things up again ever! So, not only is my son too short for his grandfather, he is lazy too (or has bad parents).
I am so sad and hurt that this asshole came over and critisized me TODAY of all days really jsut hurt. My dad would have been so proud of Nathaniel for any and all accomplishments he has. He wouldn't have told me that he is too small or that something must be wrong. He would've said how proud he is to have such an incredible grandson, even though he has others.
But I don't have my dad anymore. Nathaniel doesn't have his Bumpa anymore. All he has is an asshat who only sees the negative in life, and shows that nothing will ever be good enough for him. I really hate him now.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
The Happiest Day of My Life
Nathaniel is 2 years old today. Gone is that little baby. He has been replaced by the best little boy there ever was. A helpful and polite boy who speaks so well. He uses great sentence structure and counts to 11. I am so very proud of him and everything he does. This is his birth story, as written 2 years ago. (scary pictures in here, but no actual birth pics, don't worry!) This is long.
Our (long) birth story
I went to the hospital on Thursday, the 25th of June and did the bloodwork and pre-admission testing for the C-section, just in case he flipped back. On Friday, the 26th, I had my regualr appointment for NST and BPP. He passed both, which was unusual. Normally, he only passes the BPP. But, I left that doctor's appointment knowing that it was only 10 days until I got to meet him, and that he was doing really well inside.
On Saturday, the 27th, I had a normal day. I know that he was moving a lot all morning, and I was finishing up a few loads of laundry and just enjoying the day. But, as the day went on, I noticed that I hadn't felt him move. I tried all my usual tricks. I ate ice cream, played the seahorse on my belly, laid on each side, drank ice cold water. Nothing worked. I obvioulsy started to get worried. I jumped in the shower (which really was a necessity) and texted Pat the second I got out that I wanted him to come home because I wanted to go to the hospital. He was at work, but man, did he call back quick! He said that he was on his way. So, while I waited for him, I finished packing my bag, just in case they kept me, and went downstairs and sat in the car. I was crying by this point, worrying that I had waited too long. He got to the house and as he was trying to open the door, I yelled out the window that I was in the car already, and he practically jumped into the car and off we went. It was a very tense ride for both of us. As we got closer to the hospital, I thought I felt him move, but I wasn't sure. Pat was talking to him, telling him about the area that we were in was where he went to school. Instead of taking us an hour to get to the hospital, it took 35 minutes.
We got to the Emergency Room and I told the security guard that I hadn't felt the baby move in a few hours, and that I wanted to be checked out. He asked how many weeks I was and when I told him 38, he turned to the person in charge of the ER and said "We've got an OB." Pat and I cracked up a a little, because it was exactly what our childbirth educator said would happen. I filled out a few forms in a blur, and then was wheeled up to L&D. When we got there, I explained to the nurse that it had been hours since I felt the baby move, and that I was really worried, expecially because of the diabetes. (Higher stillbirth rates.) She hooked me up to the NST machine in the outpatient testing room. She found his heartbeat right away, and that started me off crying, nearly hysterically with relief. Then she asked me all kinds of questions (which we were told would happen) about my medical history and if there was any abuse in the house. After that was over, Pat was allowed to come in. When he heard the heartbeat, the relief on his face was visible. I cried some more. The nurse kept me on the machine for about an hour, telling me that he was moving and doing ok, but not as well as they woulod have liked, so I was sent for another BPP, but they had to wait for a tech to come in. It was Saturday night, after all.
So we went down for the BPP around 7:45, and he had great muscle tone, heartrate, and breathing. But he would not move. The tech tried jiggling my belly, cramming the wand through my crotch (or so it felt) and had me lay on both sides. He refused to move, so we got a 6 out of 8. (Mind you, the day before he had another perfect 8.) We were sent back upstairs, and hooked back up to the NST machine, while they called the doctor with the results. I had no idea who was on call that weekend, but I was praying it wasn't Dr. JP, since she wouldn't see me during the pregnancy. I was hoping however that it would be Dr. A. It wasn't. I was most comfortable with him, but at least Dr. CB, who was on call, had seen me a few times. So she said to admit me and the nurse did an internal, to see where I was starting from. As I suspected, it was high and tight and thick. Then we were taken to a room to get started. Panic set in immediately. I was going to be a mommy and soon! I was unhooked from the machine and walked down to our room (455). When I was hooked back up to the fetal monitor, we got a suprise. I was having contractions! Labor had started on its own when she checked my cervix. This was about 9:30 at night. We finished all the admitting paperwork, and then she called the doctor again, because the meds they wanted to use to induce me were designed to do exactly what my body was doing on it's own. Dr. CB decided that I should get the Cervadil anyway, and so we did. By this time my mom had come to the hospital, and Pat left to go get his bag, the camera and the computer. We didn't have time to get them before we left.
My contractions continued and started to come faster. OK, let me be honest, they hurt like the Blazes! I called Pat and asked him to please hurry, and that's when the nurse said that my contrax were 2 to 3 minutes apart. He hadn't made it home yet, and when I told him that, he said he'd be right there and hung up. I didn't have a chance to tell him that it could still be a while. All he knew was that he was not going to miss the birth. So I called him back and told him to get what he needed and to hurry after that. Things calmed down a little after that, but I was getting hungry. The only channel that came in well and that had anything interesting had to be the food network! It didn't help the hunger.
Pat got back to the hospital around 11:30, and I was tired and still in pain. My mom was still there, of course, as she was my secondary support person. I managed the pain as long as I could and then finally asked for something. It was around 1:30 am. Now, I don't know what they gave me, but if it was a street drug, I'd make a fortune!!! I swore that everything was made out of playdoh and blue icing! It was the coolest feeling ever! I finally fell asleep for a few hours. My mom left around 3:30 am, and Pat fell asleep in the daddy chair.
At 9:00 the next morning, the doctor was ready to start the pitocin. I was given it and then an epidural right after. Darn did that hurt! The four injections that you are given to numb it are worse than anything else! I was also most terrified of the epi. More than labor and delivery itself! But, after it was in, and Pat came back, I was able to get more rest. By now I was feeling nothing but tired hunger. By 9:30, my contrax must have really kicked up (not that I felt anything) because the nurse came in and said that Dr. CB was concerned that the baby wasn't handling the labor well. They said that they would continue to monitor him, to make sure that everything was ok. By 10:30, it became apparent that he was in distress. The nurses came in and told me that Dr. CB had decided we needed to do a C-section. I asked when they were planning on doing it, and the nurse replied that she was already on her way. I was a little scared that she was already on her way, but I left it all in God's hands and prayed for the doctor to have the knowledge and skils necesary to make sure the baby was ok.
I was wheeled into the OR at 11:00 and the anestethiologist (crap, I can't spell that word- the knock out dr.) poked me shoulders to make sure I was numb. When they were happy I was feeling nothing, they started. It was 11:08 am. Dr.CB thought that Pat was already in the room when she started, and when she realized that he wasn't she sent the nurse (he was around the corner). He came in while they were cutting, I know this only because they told me that they were cutting. I felt no pressure, no tugging, nothing while it was going on. At 11:20 am, Nathaniel Patrick G. was born to two parents who cried. We weighed 6 pounds, 6 ounces and was 17 1/2 inches long. He had a full head of hair that was more blonde than brown, and blue eyes. He also had my nose. I was out of surgery by noon, and back in the regular room by 1:30, and that was when I finally got to hold him. The picture is priceless.
So, that is our birth story of how my wonderfully perfect son came into the word, with a doctor that apologized for having to perform a C-section, and a mom who cared not about that, but about the safety and well being of her child.
In the OR with Daddy:
The first time I held him: (this is the scary one)
Our (long) birth story
I went to the hospital on Thursday, the 25th of June and did the bloodwork and pre-admission testing for the C-section, just in case he flipped back. On Friday, the 26th, I had my regualr appointment for NST and BPP. He passed both, which was unusual. Normally, he only passes the BPP. But, I left that doctor's appointment knowing that it was only 10 days until I got to meet him, and that he was doing really well inside.
On Saturday, the 27th, I had a normal day. I know that he was moving a lot all morning, and I was finishing up a few loads of laundry and just enjoying the day. But, as the day went on, I noticed that I hadn't felt him move. I tried all my usual tricks. I ate ice cream, played the seahorse on my belly, laid on each side, drank ice cold water. Nothing worked. I obvioulsy started to get worried. I jumped in the shower (which really was a necessity) and texted Pat the second I got out that I wanted him to come home because I wanted to go to the hospital. He was at work, but man, did he call back quick! He said that he was on his way. So, while I waited for him, I finished packing my bag, just in case they kept me, and went downstairs and sat in the car. I was crying by this point, worrying that I had waited too long. He got to the house and as he was trying to open the door, I yelled out the window that I was in the car already, and he practically jumped into the car and off we went. It was a very tense ride for both of us. As we got closer to the hospital, I thought I felt him move, but I wasn't sure. Pat was talking to him, telling him about the area that we were in was where he went to school. Instead of taking us an hour to get to the hospital, it took 35 minutes.
We got to the Emergency Room and I told the security guard that I hadn't felt the baby move in a few hours, and that I wanted to be checked out. He asked how many weeks I was and when I told him 38, he turned to the person in charge of the ER and said "We've got an OB." Pat and I cracked up a a little, because it was exactly what our childbirth educator said would happen. I filled out a few forms in a blur, and then was wheeled up to L&D. When we got there, I explained to the nurse that it had been hours since I felt the baby move, and that I was really worried, expecially because of the diabetes. (Higher stillbirth rates.) She hooked me up to the NST machine in the outpatient testing room. She found his heartbeat right away, and that started me off crying, nearly hysterically with relief. Then she asked me all kinds of questions (which we were told would happen) about my medical history and if there was any abuse in the house. After that was over, Pat was allowed to come in. When he heard the heartbeat, the relief on his face was visible. I cried some more. The nurse kept me on the machine for about an hour, telling me that he was moving and doing ok, but not as well as they woulod have liked, so I was sent for another BPP, but they had to wait for a tech to come in. It was Saturday night, after all.
So we went down for the BPP around 7:45, and he had great muscle tone, heartrate, and breathing. But he would not move. The tech tried jiggling my belly, cramming the wand through my crotch (or so it felt) and had me lay on both sides. He refused to move, so we got a 6 out of 8. (Mind you, the day before he had another perfect 8.) We were sent back upstairs, and hooked back up to the NST machine, while they called the doctor with the results. I had no idea who was on call that weekend, but I was praying it wasn't Dr. JP, since she wouldn't see me during the pregnancy. I was hoping however that it would be Dr. A. It wasn't. I was most comfortable with him, but at least Dr. CB, who was on call, had seen me a few times. So she said to admit me and the nurse did an internal, to see where I was starting from. As I suspected, it was high and tight and thick. Then we were taken to a room to get started. Panic set in immediately. I was going to be a mommy and soon! I was unhooked from the machine and walked down to our room (455). When I was hooked back up to the fetal monitor, we got a suprise. I was having contractions! Labor had started on its own when she checked my cervix. This was about 9:30 at night. We finished all the admitting paperwork, and then she called the doctor again, because the meds they wanted to use to induce me were designed to do exactly what my body was doing on it's own. Dr. CB decided that I should get the Cervadil anyway, and so we did. By this time my mom had come to the hospital, and Pat left to go get his bag, the camera and the computer. We didn't have time to get them before we left.
My contractions continued and started to come faster. OK, let me be honest, they hurt like the Blazes! I called Pat and asked him to please hurry, and that's when the nurse said that my contrax were 2 to 3 minutes apart. He hadn't made it home yet, and when I told him that, he said he'd be right there and hung up. I didn't have a chance to tell him that it could still be a while. All he knew was that he was not going to miss the birth. So I called him back and told him to get what he needed and to hurry after that. Things calmed down a little after that, but I was getting hungry. The only channel that came in well and that had anything interesting had to be the food network! It didn't help the hunger.
Pat got back to the hospital around 11:30, and I was tired and still in pain. My mom was still there, of course, as she was my secondary support person. I managed the pain as long as I could and then finally asked for something. It was around 1:30 am. Now, I don't know what they gave me, but if it was a street drug, I'd make a fortune!!! I swore that everything was made out of playdoh and blue icing! It was the coolest feeling ever! I finally fell asleep for a few hours. My mom left around 3:30 am, and Pat fell asleep in the daddy chair.
At 9:00 the next morning, the doctor was ready to start the pitocin. I was given it and then an epidural right after. Darn did that hurt! The four injections that you are given to numb it are worse than anything else! I was also most terrified of the epi. More than labor and delivery itself! But, after it was in, and Pat came back, I was able to get more rest. By now I was feeling nothing but tired hunger. By 9:30, my contrax must have really kicked up (not that I felt anything) because the nurse came in and said that Dr. CB was concerned that the baby wasn't handling the labor well. They said that they would continue to monitor him, to make sure that everything was ok. By 10:30, it became apparent that he was in distress. The nurses came in and told me that Dr. CB had decided we needed to do a C-section. I asked when they were planning on doing it, and the nurse replied that she was already on her way. I was a little scared that she was already on her way, but I left it all in God's hands and prayed for the doctor to have the knowledge and skils necesary to make sure the baby was ok.
I was wheeled into the OR at 11:00 and the anestethiologist (crap, I can't spell that word- the knock out dr.) poked me shoulders to make sure I was numb. When they were happy I was feeling nothing, they started. It was 11:08 am. Dr.CB thought that Pat was already in the room when she started, and when she realized that he wasn't she sent the nurse (he was around the corner). He came in while they were cutting, I know this only because they told me that they were cutting. I felt no pressure, no tugging, nothing while it was going on. At 11:20 am, Nathaniel Patrick G. was born to two parents who cried. We weighed 6 pounds, 6 ounces and was 17 1/2 inches long. He had a full head of hair that was more blonde than brown, and blue eyes. He also had my nose. I was out of surgery by noon, and back in the regular room by 1:30, and that was when I finally got to hold him. The picture is priceless.
So, that is our birth story of how my wonderfully perfect son came into the word, with a doctor that apologized for having to perform a C-section, and a mom who cared not about that, but about the safety and well being of her child.
In the OR with Daddy:
The first time I held him: (this is the scary one)
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Not a Baby Any More
I found this post from I blog that I had when I was pregnant with Nathaniel. I was documenting everything so that I wouldn't forget. This was from June 26, 2009. I had been to the hospital the day before to fill out my admission papers and do my pre-surgery bloodwork. We had a C-section scheduled for July 6, 2009 becuase he was breech.
He's turned
Posted Friday, June 26, 2009 3:15 PM
We went for another BPP today and found out that Nathaniel has finally turned head down. I hope he stays that way for the next week and a half. On TUesday, I will tell Dr. A. and find out what he recommends. I don't want to do the C if we don't have to, but it's still a possibility due to all the other risks. I really just want to be done with the pregnancy. I was all set to have only 10 days left, and to be home in two weeks. Now, this might not happen. I know that a vaginal birth would be easier to recover from, but I really liked the idea of knowing. I am so glad that I didn't write his birthday in the announcements yet. (The actual reason was that I was hoping that he would turn.) Now, Pat and I have a decision to make on what we want to do. As I said before, I really want to be done, but I don't want to just have a C-section to be done. I don't know if he'll induce me (the plan was to do it at 39 weeks anyway, so we'll talk about that) or if the doc will want me to just go on and wait. I can't do that anymore. I can't take the stress of not being able to guarantee that he will be safe and born healthy. I have had increasingly disturbing nightmares. I can't sleep past 3 am anymore, and I get really uncomfy at night. I just want to hold my son. It will be a long weekend until Tuesday comes around.
It's so funny to me to see those lines like "I cann't do this anymore." or "I just want to be done with this pregnancy."
Even funnier is the fact that we went to the hospital the very next day, and he was born on the 28th. I never got to see Dr. A. to tell him that Nathaniel had turned!
It's so hard to believe that it's been two years. Even harder still to realize that he's not a baby any more. Yesterday, at breakfast, I was holding his cup so that he could drink and not spill. (The waitress had filled it quite high.) While I was holding it, he says, "I do it, Mama! I do it!" And so I let go. My baby is capable of doing so many things, and he just amazes me more and more every day.
Now I have to change. I can't call him Baby any more and I can't ask Pat to get the baby. He's not a baby any more...
He's turned
Posted Friday, June 26, 2009 3:15 PM
We went for another BPP today and found out that Nathaniel has finally turned head down. I hope he stays that way for the next week and a half. On TUesday, I will tell Dr. A. and find out what he recommends. I don't want to do the C if we don't have to, but it's still a possibility due to all the other risks. I really just want to be done with the pregnancy. I was all set to have only 10 days left, and to be home in two weeks. Now, this might not happen. I know that a vaginal birth would be easier to recover from, but I really liked the idea of knowing. I am so glad that I didn't write his birthday in the announcements yet. (The actual reason was that I was hoping that he would turn.) Now, Pat and I have a decision to make on what we want to do. As I said before, I really want to be done, but I don't want to just have a C-section to be done. I don't know if he'll induce me (the plan was to do it at 39 weeks anyway, so we'll talk about that) or if the doc will want me to just go on and wait. I can't do that anymore. I can't take the stress of not being able to guarantee that he will be safe and born healthy. I have had increasingly disturbing nightmares. I can't sleep past 3 am anymore, and I get really uncomfy at night. I just want to hold my son. It will be a long weekend until Tuesday comes around.
It's so funny to me to see those lines like "I cann't do this anymore." or "I just want to be done with this pregnancy."
Even funnier is the fact that we went to the hospital the very next day, and he was born on the 28th. I never got to see Dr. A. to tell him that Nathaniel had turned!
It's so hard to believe that it's been two years. Even harder still to realize that he's not a baby any more. Yesterday, at breakfast, I was holding his cup so that he could drink and not spill. (The waitress had filled it quite high.) While I was holding it, he says, "I do it, Mama! I do it!" And so I let go. My baby is capable of doing so many things, and he just amazes me more and more every day.
Now I have to change. I can't call him Baby any more and I can't ask Pat to get the baby. He's not a baby any more...
Saturday, June 25, 2011
A Busy Day Ahead
There is so much that I need to get done today, and I have no motivation to do any of it! I have to finish cleaning up the house for Nathaniel's party tomorrow. And, um, ok, that's all I really have to do.
We're going to go to my Mom's this morning, to see how her new place looks with all the furniture in it (and to help her learn how to use the remote for the cable. She is capaable of doing this herself, but the installer just told her that "it's in the book" every time she asked a question. Since Pat works for a cable company, (not the one she has) we thought it would just be easier to teach her.
But seriously, the cleaning has to get done. I know that if people were to come over right now, my house would be clean enough for surprise company. I just want it cleaner.
Of course, cleaning really does no good when you have a 2 year old. I had just finished vacuuming and put all the toys back in the toy box (in the living room) when Nathaniel and my mom got back from their walk. Needless to say, I have to put all the toys back in again.
And you know what toddlers are like... if they haven't played with it for months but siddenly it's put away, it's the only thing they want to play with. There's about 6 of those on my living room floor right now. But it's so worth it.
We're going to go to my Mom's this morning, to see how her new place looks with all the furniture in it (and to help her learn how to use the remote for the cable. She is capaable of doing this herself, but the installer just told her that "it's in the book" every time she asked a question. Since Pat works for a cable company, (not the one she has) we thought it would just be easier to teach her.
But seriously, the cleaning has to get done. I know that if people were to come over right now, my house would be clean enough for surprise company. I just want it cleaner.
Of course, cleaning really does no good when you have a 2 year old. I had just finished vacuuming and put all the toys back in the toy box (in the living room) when Nathaniel and my mom got back from their walk. Needless to say, I have to put all the toys back in again.
And you know what toddlers are like... if they haven't played with it for months but siddenly it's put away, it's the only thing they want to play with. There's about 6 of those on my living room floor right now. But it's so worth it.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Up, Down, and All Around
So I have been all over the place with my feelings this week. Ok, all my life. Thanks for making me admit it. I was really down earlier this week. Pat and I have been trying to add to our family and this month was the first that we could try after the last miscarriage. I thought that we had great timing (we had a great time, anyway!). I was really positive with this cycle. But, the past few days I just knew that it wasn't this month. I was right. So, I was sad about that, but I was also strangely relieved that I wasn't pregnant. I can give myself a little more time to focus on my own health, and I don't have to obsess over every little thing for the next nine months.
I've also been up. After 14 months off, Pat went back to work this week. I could not have been more thrilled. It was such a relief to have that burden lifted from our shoulders, and I actually got some sleep a few nights. but, I really miss him. He's back to working 6 days a week, sometimes 10 hours a day. He leaves around 7, and since it's summer, Nathaniel is still asleep. He has gotten back both Monday and Tuesday in time to put Nathaniel to bed, and I am grateful for that. He loves his son so much and I can see it hurts him to be away so much, but we have to take care of our family. Sometimes that means making the hard choices. So, it's a win-win and a lose-lose situation there. Ugh.
Another reason to be glad and rejoice is that a very dear friend had her son this morning. She will be and already is a phenomenal mother. Much love to her and her new family.
Now, to the waiting period. Another very good friend of mine is going to be taking a pregnancy test on Friday. I have everything crossed for her in hopes that it will be positive. All she's ever wanted in life is to be a mom, and at our ages, it gets so much harder. BEst of luck to her as well!
I have also recommitted myself to getting healthier. I figure, since I'm not pregnant right now, I can go ahead and lose some weight. I walked a good mile and a half (to the library, then farmer's market next door, and then back) and have eaten really well today. Nathaniel wants spaghetti for dinner (yes, he asks for what he wants!) and that will be hard not to eat all those carbs. But I am focusing my energy on this one question: What do I want more, that particular food or a baby?
On a related note, some small victories today. First, we drove to Target this morning, and I thought to myself "we're already in the car. I could just stop at the libreary and market on the way home, and not walk." but I got my ass moving anyway. The weather was perfect too! Not hot with a great breeze. Another victory- nathaniel asked for pizza for lunch. He is just like his daddy there. I made one for him and he ate only half of it. That damn pizza was staring at me. I swear to you that I heard it call my name! But I didn't eat it! I threw it in the garbage- the one with the dirty diapers- so there was no way that I could eat it. I am eating my salad right now- made with romaine from the farmer's market- and althought it ain't pizza, it's not bad either. So, I've had 3 servings of veggies today (it's a big salad) and one fruit. I'm not supposed to eat fruit on Atkins, but shit. If I have to fall off the diet, at least it's with fruit, right?
And they were sooooo good.
I've also been up. After 14 months off, Pat went back to work this week. I could not have been more thrilled. It was such a relief to have that burden lifted from our shoulders, and I actually got some sleep a few nights. but, I really miss him. He's back to working 6 days a week, sometimes 10 hours a day. He leaves around 7, and since it's summer, Nathaniel is still asleep. He has gotten back both Monday and Tuesday in time to put Nathaniel to bed, and I am grateful for that. He loves his son so much and I can see it hurts him to be away so much, but we have to take care of our family. Sometimes that means making the hard choices. So, it's a win-win and a lose-lose situation there. Ugh.
Another reason to be glad and rejoice is that a very dear friend had her son this morning. She will be and already is a phenomenal mother. Much love to her and her new family.
Now, to the waiting period. Another very good friend of mine is going to be taking a pregnancy test on Friday. I have everything crossed for her in hopes that it will be positive. All she's ever wanted in life is to be a mom, and at our ages, it gets so much harder. BEst of luck to her as well!
I have also recommitted myself to getting healthier. I figure, since I'm not pregnant right now, I can go ahead and lose some weight. I walked a good mile and a half (to the library, then farmer's market next door, and then back) and have eaten really well today. Nathaniel wants spaghetti for dinner (yes, he asks for what he wants!) and that will be hard not to eat all those carbs. But I am focusing my energy on this one question: What do I want more, that particular food or a baby?
On a related note, some small victories today. First, we drove to Target this morning, and I thought to myself "we're already in the car. I could just stop at the libreary and market on the way home, and not walk." but I got my ass moving anyway. The weather was perfect too! Not hot with a great breeze. Another victory- nathaniel asked for pizza for lunch. He is just like his daddy there. I made one for him and he ate only half of it. That damn pizza was staring at me. I swear to you that I heard it call my name! But I didn't eat it! I threw it in the garbage- the one with the dirty diapers- so there was no way that I could eat it. I am eating my salad right now- made with romaine from the farmer's market- and althought it ain't pizza, it's not bad either. So, I've had 3 servings of veggies today (it's a big salad) and one fruit. I'm not supposed to eat fruit on Atkins, but shit. If I have to fall off the diet, at least it's with fruit, right?
And they were sooooo good.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Hey, I Just Realized...
I got a pedicure on Friday and that was on my list too!!!
As of today, I have completed 21 of my goals!! Holy Moly!! I feel pretty good about that. I have several more in progress. Using reusable grocery bags when I shop... Forgiving and forgetting (I am really trying, since I don't think it will be much longer.)... 100 things that make me happy and 100 things that make me angry.... Plus a whole bunch of things that I have to do daily, like read to and kiss Nathaniel every day. Tell Pat I love you every day... Stuff like that.
I wonder how many would be done if I marked all those complete. I know that I will tell Nathaniel I love him every day. Can I mark that as done, or do I have to wait until November 11. 2013? (that's when my days are over, and I start a new list.)
I am so proud of myself! Thanks again to the great friend who told me about it!
As of today, I have completed 21 of my goals!! Holy Moly!! I feel pretty good about that. I have several more in progress. Using reusable grocery bags when I shop... Forgiving and forgetting (I am really trying, since I don't think it will be much longer.)... 100 things that make me happy and 100 things that make me angry.... Plus a whole bunch of things that I have to do daily, like read to and kiss Nathaniel every day. Tell Pat I love you every day... Stuff like that.
I wonder how many would be done if I marked all those complete. I know that I will tell Nathaniel I love him every day. Can I mark that as done, or do I have to wait until November 11. 2013? (that's when my days are over, and I start a new list.)
I am so proud of myself! Thanks again to the great friend who told me about it!
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Another One Done... Sort Of.
I finished another one of the things on my 101 things to do in 1001 days. I went on a picnic with Nathaniel today... sort of. I went to the cemetary to visit my dad's grave. I always take two white roses when I go visit. One from me and one from Nathaniel. I took them, but picked up lunch for the two of us too. Afterall, it was nearly 11:30 when we got there, and that's Nathaniel's lunch time.
Anyway, we sat down at my dad's gravesite. I sat and talked to my dad for a whil. all the time feeding Nathaniel his hot dog and applesauce. (He happily shared the applesauce with his Bumpa, spilling it all over the grass.)
But it was really hard to be there. I just want to know if my dad would be proud of me, and proud of Nathaniel (who showed off his counting skills. He can count to 11.) I cried, hoping that Dad is proud of me, because it's so unfair that Nathaniel got so little time with him.
Nathaniel was also fascinated by all the flags. There is a flag attached to the American Legion marker next to dad's grave. Nathaniel asked what it was, and I told him. He decided to look for more, and, since Dad's buried in the Veteran's section of the cemetary, there were quite a few. I kept hearing "another one flag, Mama. Another one flag."
So now, after eating lunch in the grass with the bugs, and getting applesauce everywhere, I can cross of "Go On a Picnic" from my list. I think that makes 14 things done, but I have to double check.
Anyway, we sat down at my dad's gravesite. I sat and talked to my dad for a whil. all the time feeding Nathaniel his hot dog and applesauce. (He happily shared the applesauce with his Bumpa, spilling it all over the grass.)
But it was really hard to be there. I just want to know if my dad would be proud of me, and proud of Nathaniel (who showed off his counting skills. He can count to 11.) I cried, hoping that Dad is proud of me, because it's so unfair that Nathaniel got so little time with him.
Nathaniel was also fascinated by all the flags. There is a flag attached to the American Legion marker next to dad's grave. Nathaniel asked what it was, and I told him. He decided to look for more, and, since Dad's buried in the Veteran's section of the cemetary, there were quite a few. I kept hearing "another one flag, Mama. Another one flag."
So now, after eating lunch in the grass with the bugs, and getting applesauce everywhere, I can cross of "Go On a Picnic" from my list. I think that makes 14 things done, but I have to double check.
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