Halloween Pictures

In one of the pictures, you can see the pumpkin. A squirrel has been munching on it.

Feeling so Down Today

I have tried being patient. I have tried being impatient. Neither have worked for me. I am exhausted and beaten down. I feel like life has beaten me in this game. I guess "life" stacks the odds in its favor, huh? I am not quite sad, not quite depressed, or mad, or even worthless. Just beaten.

I was talking to a friend and she asked if I could take a day off for myself. No, I can't. First off, I have missed 4 1/2 days this month alone. That's too many. Second, even if I did take a day off, I would have to be quiet so that Pat could sleep. So what's the point?

I don't like this feeling and I want it to change. Ugh.

Can't Wait for Tomorrow

I am so glad that tomorrow is Friday. Even though it's Parent-Teacher conferences and I won't get home until 8:30 pm. But it will be Friday.

And Nathaniel should be feeling better by then. Yesterday, when I picked him up at school, his teachers told me that he was complaining that his right ear hurt, and that he had been pulling on it. I called the doc immediately, and we got in.

Turns out he doesn't have an ear infection, (yay!) but he is so congested that it is hurting him. SO we are using a nebulizer 7 times a day, benadryl, flonase and will go to antibiotics tomorrow if he's not doing better.

All this good news for the low economic price of $140! Seriously??? A hundered and forty bucks!!!! Throw in what we paid to pick up pizza since it was 6:30 before we got out of the doctor and I spent $170 to find out my poor baby is sick.

But, he's gained half a pound in 4 months (I think I did that with just the pizza last night) and has grown a little over half an inch.

Today is the 26th.

Just typing the title of this post made me cry, because I know what's after the title. Pain.

Today would have been the latest I would have been allowed to go in my pregnancy that I lost in March. To think that today I would have been holding my second tiny baby.

I know that there are people who will read this post and think "Jesus, get over it." and to a degree, they're right. But for right now, fuck 'em. They have obviously never lost a child that they loved from the moment they knew about it.

Some people who read this will know that this was my second loss, and wonder why this one upsets me more than the first. Know that it doesn't. I feel this way every May 12th (when I found out) May 19th (when I lost it) and January 6th (it's due date).

The difference between the two is that I was pregnant with Nathaniel on January 6th. I am not pregnant now.

I hope that anyone reading this will send up a prayer for me and my family, just so that I can have the strength to get through the day. I am at peace with what happened, but I am still allowed to grieve.

And grieve I must. Please don't think that I don't know full well how blessed I already am. I do. Everytime I get a knee to my eye or a small foot in my back during the night, I do smile. (Sometimes after I get mad, but it's still there.) When I look at the mess that is my living room, I get exasperated, but I wouldn't trade that toy mess for anything. Same goes for the spots all over the carpet. The applesauce stains... the rice that dried to the carpet... the spaghetti sauce on the chair. (I know that makes me sound like a bad housekeeper, but I don't care what you think. My family knows I love them. Besides, the dishes are done, so there.)

I have come to terms with being "one and done," but it doesn't lessen the pain that I am feeling today.

If you've read this, and know someone who has gone through a miscarriage, say a short prayer for them today too. There is a part of them that will never be whole again.

I Love This Face

I just can't resist this face!



He is such a joy to me, even when he makes this face:



More to love:

Innocent Comments and George Harrison

Ugh. I knew it was going to be a bad day today, but damn. I feel like I've been hit by a bus.

It started so innocently. I was dropping off Nathaniel at school today and his teachers asked me when I was going to have another one. Yeah. The answer should have been "Wednesday!" with a big smile. But it's not.

Cue the tears. I fought them off until I got to the car, and then lost it. I left the parking lot, but had to pull over down the street. I couldn't see through the tears. Why did they pick today to ask this???????? Today I would be 38w3d, the exact gestational day that Nathaniel was born.

I sat in my car for a few minutes, trying to collect myself. I asked God to please let me hear some uplifting music on the radio, as I knew I needed something before I got to work with my tear-stained face.

Thank you God for George Harrison. I love the song "Set on You." It ahs always cheered me up. (Maybe not as much as I needed it to, but it worked a smidge.) I rolled down the window and sang it as loud as I could. I know exactly why I did that. It was to drive my own thoughts out of my head.

But, this time I know it's for real... that feeling that I feel. And I know it will take time and money, (wink wink) but I know that eventually, I will be more whole again. I just have to make it through next week.

Please, let me get through it...

Searching For More

I am no fool. I know that God has blessed me many times over. More than I deserve, in fact. So why I am searching for more? Why is it that I don't feel like I'm enough? Why do I feel like I'm not doing enough??

I know that when I come home after a long day of work, I have another long day of work ahead of me (until he's sound asleep). I wouldn't change that for anything! It truly is the best part of my day, until the morning comes and I get the sleepy smile with the "Hi, Mommy!"

But something seems to be missing lately. I don't know what it is.

I go shopping, thinking that it will keep me for a while... you know, fill the void with "stuff."

I eat, and we all know how that turns out for me.

I try to do good for others. I am getting ready to go Christmas shopping for other people so that they can be happy. If I can make one kid happy this holiday, will that be enough for me?

If I buy a ton of food (and by ton, I mean a lot, not 2,000 pounds) for our food drive at school, will that be enough for me?

What is at the core of me that is just out of my reach? When will I accomplish all that I set out to do? When will enough be enough?