Exhausted!

Today has been such a long day. It started at 5 this morning with me waking up. I heard Nathaniel in his room, making some noise, although he was not yet awake. I got up and as I was climbing over the gate, he woke up. Ugh. I like an hour or so to myself in the morning. It's the only good thing about waking up so early.

Anyway, I went in to get him, knowing tha thte sheets would be soaked and so would he. I was wrong! He woke up dry!!! We went to the bathroom and he peed in the toilet. I was so excited that I called to Pat to wake up and cheer for Nathaniel. I thought to myself, "Wow, this is really going to work."

I should have known better. There were only two more times that he went pee on the toilet all day. By 10:30 this morning, we had gone through as many pairs of underwear as we had all day yesterday. I am so stressed out about this I can't even explain it.

I really want to give up. I know that I can't... not yet anyway. I have to give it at least the 3 days, right? Pat and I were just beyond frustrated, and began snapping at each other. My mom came over for a while and tried to help me out with some of the birthday stuff I need to get done, but mostly I just wanted to cry and get out!

Lately, I have been feeling like I don't want to be me. I don't want to be a mom or a wife. I don't want to be a teacher. I don't want to be me. It scares the shit out of me that I feel that way. I hate feeling like that and I am hoping that it's just the stress that I have right now. This is supposed to be an awesome summer for me. It's not working out that way.

I am still hoping that by tomorrow evening, he gets it. I truly think that we have been following the method exactly. One of us is always with him. We give him tons of priase, even when he doesn't do anything. We constatnly remind him to tell us that he has to go potty. We check for dry underpants. It just isn't clicking.

Maybe I am pushing too much too soon. I really thought thaat he wou;d be able to do this in a snap.

Today Was a Long Day

So, we started potty training Nathaniel today. Some parts were easier than I had anticipated, others were not. Now, this method calls for calm patience and spotting the moment he starts to pee. Well, that is nearly impossible to do when he sits in a high chair for meals.

I also was getting frustrated. But not at him, at Pat. I was hoping that he's be more helpful but he was really a hinderance. Mostly when spotting when he started peeing.

But, Nathaniel used the toilet twice today and I was very proud. We did make a big deal out of it and showed him how proud we were.

I have to go get him up in a little bit to go try again for him to pee. I know that he won't stay dry through the night (He wasn't dry during naptime.) But we will keep trying. 13 pairs of underpants later, I am finally getting a break.

Emotional Overload

My emotions are all over the place today. I helped my mom find a new place to live. It was great to spend time with her and to be able to help her out. It's something she's never had to do before. At the end, when she called the owner of the place she really liked, she was crying. I told her that I was very proud of her, because if she could do that, she can do anything.

In all honesty, I was terrified of the places she was looking at. Not the best of neighborhoods. I really wanted her to move closer to me (maybe after she retires). She didn't want to do it because it's too far for her to go to work. We did find a nice place in a good area. I feel confident about the place, which I think really has helped her. Once she sells the house she's in right now, there will be a lot less stress in her life. So my emotion is happy.

I also am sad because I am packing up Nathaniel's baby clothes and throwing out the rest of the diapers tomorrow. There's about 10 that I will be actually tossing, so it's not too bad. But I am losing my baby and gaining a big boy. So I am happy and sad. I am also scared. What if I fail him?

I am also excited about him finally being out of diapers. Not like he's four or anything. In fact he's not even two. But to be able to go without extra diapers and wipes will be awesome. I ordered a travel potty, for while he is new to the potty thing, and 10 extra liners. I also ordered toilet seat covers for when we have no choice but to use a public bathroom. It's not the germs that concern me so much as the falling in. Because he is so small, I will have to hold him. I think the liners (which stick on the seat) will help make him feel at ease. It's my hope anyway.

I am excited for another reason too. I think we (Pat and I) had really good timing this month to possibly get pregnant this month. I tell myself that I will not be upset if it doesn't happen this month, but I know myself way better than that. I will be upset. But, I should know either way in two weeks. As usual, the "2 week window" will be long. At least I have things to look forward to that will help pass the time. Potty training Nathaniel, going to the zoo, going to the museum, Nathaniel's birthday party (technically after the 2ww, but I have to get stuff ready.)

So, that's where I stand today. I little happy, a little sad, a little excited and completely crazy. I guess it's all normal after all.

A Great Adventure Is About To Begin

In a week, my son should be potty trained. We are using the method "3 day potty training" from Lora Jensen at www.3daypottytraining.com. I am terrified, excited and sad. Terrified that he will never get it. Excited that this time has come. And sad, because he won't be a baby anymore.

I know that there are so many things that will change while we are getting it right. We will be restricted on what we can do and where we can go. But I know that we can commit to doing this and doing it right.

We have 30 pairs of underwear, which is what is recommended, plus the potty chair. I have read the book and methodology behind this program and I could begin tomorrow, except that we have some plans for the week. On Tuesday, Mom, Aunt Denise, Nathaniel and I (and maybe Pat) are going to Michigan City for the day. Then on Thursday, I am helping mom look for apartments. SO we will start on Friday.

On a kind of related note, a very dear friend of mine is about a week away from having her first child. I feel as if she and I are on opposite ends of the mommyhood spectrum, when in reality, our children will only be two years apart. It makes me feel kind of alienated from everyone else I know, since I am not close to anyone else that has young children. I mean, I know a few others, but I am not close to them. I don't know if my crying is normal or if I am just psychotic. Maybe both?

But, I really do feel all alone. I love my child more than anyone on the planet, and always will. I was just hoping that after having him my other friends and I would get closer. We take Nathaniel everywhere, and we can go places on the drop of a hat (usually) but we never go anywhere or do anything. It makes me feel bad for him. Pat has friends that have 2 year olds, but the other moms and I have very little in common and they are much younger than I am.

What I am looking forward to is sex. (I giggled a little typing that.) We are clear to go ahead and try again. Part of me hopes that this is it, and part of me hopes not. I just so miss being pregnant (and it's been nearly 2 years!). I am, however, leaving it up to God's will. I am going to start temping (taking your temperature first thing in the morning to determine when ovlation is). I will start doing that on my next cycle if I don't get pregnant this cycle. So a lot to look forward to in the next few weeks.

New big boys, new babies, and hopefully, new (healthy) pregnancies.