I am so glad that tomorrow is Friday. Even though it's Parent-Teacher conferences and I won't get home until 8:30 pm. But it will be Friday.
And Nathaniel should be feeling better by then. Yesterday, when I picked him up at school, his teachers told me that he was complaining that his right ear hurt, and that he had been pulling on it. I called the doc immediately, and we got in.
Turns out he doesn't have an ear infection, (yay!) but he is so congested that it is hurting him. SO we are using a nebulizer 7 times a day, benadryl, flonase and will go to antibiotics tomorrow if he's not doing better.
All this good news for the low economic price of $140! Seriously??? A hundered and forty bucks!!!! Throw in what we paid to pick up pizza since it was 6:30 before we got out of the doctor and I spent $170 to find out my poor baby is sick.
But, he's gained half a pound in 4 months (I think I did that with just the pizza last night) and has grown a little over half an inch.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Today is the 26th.
Just typing the title of this post made me cry, because I know what's after the title. Pain.
Today would have been the latest I would have been allowed to go in my pregnancy that I lost in March. To think that today I would have been holding my second tiny baby.
I know that there are people who will read this post and think "Jesus, get over it." and to a degree, they're right. But for right now, fuck 'em. They have obviously never lost a child that they loved from the moment they knew about it.
Some people who read this will know that this was my second loss, and wonder why this one upsets me more than the first. Know that it doesn't. I feel this way every May 12th (when I found out) May 19th (when I lost it) and January 6th (it's due date).
The difference between the two is that I was pregnant with Nathaniel on January 6th. I am not pregnant now.
I hope that anyone reading this will send up a prayer for me and my family, just so that I can have the strength to get through the day. I am at peace with what happened, but I am still allowed to grieve.
And grieve I must. Please don't think that I don't know full well how blessed I already am. I do. Everytime I get a knee to my eye or a small foot in my back during the night, I do smile. (Sometimes after I get mad, but it's still there.) When I look at the mess that is my living room, I get exasperated, but I wouldn't trade that toy mess for anything. Same goes for the spots all over the carpet. The applesauce stains... the rice that dried to the carpet... the spaghetti sauce on the chair. (I know that makes me sound like a bad housekeeper, but I don't care what you think. My family knows I love them. Besides, the dishes are done, so there.)
I have come to terms with being "one and done," but it doesn't lessen the pain that I am feeling today.
If you've read this, and know someone who has gone through a miscarriage, say a short prayer for them today too. There is a part of them that will never be whole again.
Today would have been the latest I would have been allowed to go in my pregnancy that I lost in March. To think that today I would have been holding my second tiny baby.
I know that there are people who will read this post and think "Jesus, get over it." and to a degree, they're right. But for right now, fuck 'em. They have obviously never lost a child that they loved from the moment they knew about it.
Some people who read this will know that this was my second loss, and wonder why this one upsets me more than the first. Know that it doesn't. I feel this way every May 12th (when I found out) May 19th (when I lost it) and January 6th (it's due date).
The difference between the two is that I was pregnant with Nathaniel on January 6th. I am not pregnant now.
I hope that anyone reading this will send up a prayer for me and my family, just so that I can have the strength to get through the day. I am at peace with what happened, but I am still allowed to grieve.
And grieve I must. Please don't think that I don't know full well how blessed I already am. I do. Everytime I get a knee to my eye or a small foot in my back during the night, I do smile. (Sometimes after I get mad, but it's still there.) When I look at the mess that is my living room, I get exasperated, but I wouldn't trade that toy mess for anything. Same goes for the spots all over the carpet. The applesauce stains... the rice that dried to the carpet... the spaghetti sauce on the chair. (I know that makes me sound like a bad housekeeper, but I don't care what you think. My family knows I love them. Besides, the dishes are done, so there.)
I have come to terms with being "one and done," but it doesn't lessen the pain that I am feeling today.
If you've read this, and know someone who has gone through a miscarriage, say a short prayer for them today too. There is a part of them that will never be whole again.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
I Love This Face
I just can't resist this face!
He is such a joy to me, even when he makes this face:
More to love:
He is such a joy to me, even when he makes this face:
More to love:
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Innocent Comments and George Harrison
Ugh. I knew it was going to be a bad day today, but damn. I feel like I've been hit by a bus.
It started so innocently. I was dropping off Nathaniel at school today and his teachers asked me when I was going to have another one. Yeah. The answer should have been "Wednesday!" with a big smile. But it's not.
Cue the tears. I fought them off until I got to the car, and then lost it. I left the parking lot, but had to pull over down the street. I couldn't see through the tears. Why did they pick today to ask this???????? Today I would be 38w3d, the exact gestational day that Nathaniel was born.
I sat in my car for a few minutes, trying to collect myself. I asked God to please let me hear some uplifting music on the radio, as I knew I needed something before I got to work with my tear-stained face.
Thank you God for George Harrison. I love the song "Set on You." It ahs always cheered me up. (Maybe not as much as I needed it to, but it worked a smidge.) I rolled down the window and sang it as loud as I could. I know exactly why I did that. It was to drive my own thoughts out of my head.
But, this time I know it's for real... that feeling that I feel. And I know it will take time and money, (wink wink) but I know that eventually, I will be more whole again. I just have to make it through next week.
Please, let me get through it...
It started so innocently. I was dropping off Nathaniel at school today and his teachers asked me when I was going to have another one. Yeah. The answer should have been "Wednesday!" with a big smile. But it's not.
Cue the tears. I fought them off until I got to the car, and then lost it. I left the parking lot, but had to pull over down the street. I couldn't see through the tears. Why did they pick today to ask this???????? Today I would be 38w3d, the exact gestational day that Nathaniel was born.
I sat in my car for a few minutes, trying to collect myself. I asked God to please let me hear some uplifting music on the radio, as I knew I needed something before I got to work with my tear-stained face.
Thank you God for George Harrison. I love the song "Set on You." It ahs always cheered me up. (Maybe not as much as I needed it to, but it worked a smidge.) I rolled down the window and sang it as loud as I could. I know exactly why I did that. It was to drive my own thoughts out of my head.
But, this time I know it's for real... that feeling that I feel. And I know it will take time and money, (wink wink) but I know that eventually, I will be more whole again. I just have to make it through next week.
Please, let me get through it...
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Searching For More
I am no fool. I know that God has blessed me many times over. More than I deserve, in fact. So why I am searching for more? Why is it that I don't feel like I'm enough? Why do I feel like I'm not doing enough??
I know that when I come home after a long day of work, I have another long day of work ahead of me (until he's sound asleep). I wouldn't change that for anything! It truly is the best part of my day, until the morning comes and I get the sleepy smile with the "Hi, Mommy!"
But something seems to be missing lately. I don't know what it is.
I go shopping, thinking that it will keep me for a while... you know, fill the void with "stuff."
I eat, and we all know how that turns out for me.
I try to do good for others. I am getting ready to go Christmas shopping for other people so that they can be happy. If I can make one kid happy this holiday, will that be enough for me?
If I buy a ton of food (and by ton, I mean a lot, not 2,000 pounds) for our food drive at school, will that be enough for me?
What is at the core of me that is just out of my reach? When will I accomplish all that I set out to do? When will enough be enough?
I know that when I come home after a long day of work, I have another long day of work ahead of me (until he's sound asleep). I wouldn't change that for anything! It truly is the best part of my day, until the morning comes and I get the sleepy smile with the "Hi, Mommy!"
But something seems to be missing lately. I don't know what it is.
I go shopping, thinking that it will keep me for a while... you know, fill the void with "stuff."
I eat, and we all know how that turns out for me.
I try to do good for others. I am getting ready to go Christmas shopping for other people so that they can be happy. If I can make one kid happy this holiday, will that be enough for me?
If I buy a ton of food (and by ton, I mean a lot, not 2,000 pounds) for our food drive at school, will that be enough for me?
What is at the core of me that is just out of my reach? When will I accomplish all that I set out to do? When will enough be enough?
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
I Learned Something Today
Turkey club sandwiches on jalepeno and cheese bagels are AWESOME!!!!!
Nathaniel wanted to go to the muffin store yesterday, but we didn't have any time. We had some extra time this morning, so we went. He got his usual chocolate muffin, and I got my lunch. Pat got 2 blueberry muffins, because he was able to go with too! So nice when that happens.
Anyway, I ordered my sandwich, knowing that I wouldn't have time to eat it until lunch, but let me tell you. It is good! I am trying to watch the carbs, but this is split between breakfast and lunch, so number wise I am ok. I just should have eaten half at breakfast and half at lunch.
Tonight, I am grilling steak and corn on the cob. I'll probably make a potato for Pat, but plan on filling my plate with veggies. I am trying really hard with the carb thing. I am doing better. I am eating eggs for breakfast, a bowl of honey nut cheerios for lunch, and then a moderately healthy dinner. Today I had yogurt for breakfast and the bagel for lunch, so I really have to avoid those carbs for dinner.
I would also like to cut out the caffeine. The only time I was ever successful with that was when I was pregnant with Nathaniel. oh, how those first few days without it hurt! The withdrawal headaches were killer! But I know I don't need that in my life. The only time it gets diffiuclt is when we go out to eat. What else do you drink when you don't drink pop or alcohol? I can't do lemonade or tea, because it's not diet (too much sugar). And I feel like I'm 5 when I order milk. So water it is. Maybe I should carry some Crystal light packs with me to have flavored water. Hmm...
Um, how did my bagel sandwich get me here? I think I'm losing my mind nd I am sure it's only going to get worse. Oh well.
Nathaniel wanted to go to the muffin store yesterday, but we didn't have any time. We had some extra time this morning, so we went. He got his usual chocolate muffin, and I got my lunch. Pat got 2 blueberry muffins, because he was able to go with too! So nice when that happens.
Anyway, I ordered my sandwich, knowing that I wouldn't have time to eat it until lunch, but let me tell you. It is good! I am trying to watch the carbs, but this is split between breakfast and lunch, so number wise I am ok. I just should have eaten half at breakfast and half at lunch.
Tonight, I am grilling steak and corn on the cob. I'll probably make a potato for Pat, but plan on filling my plate with veggies. I am trying really hard with the carb thing. I am doing better. I am eating eggs for breakfast, a bowl of honey nut cheerios for lunch, and then a moderately healthy dinner. Today I had yogurt for breakfast and the bagel for lunch, so I really have to avoid those carbs for dinner.
I would also like to cut out the caffeine. The only time I was ever successful with that was when I was pregnant with Nathaniel. oh, how those first few days without it hurt! The withdrawal headaches were killer! But I know I don't need that in my life. The only time it gets diffiuclt is when we go out to eat. What else do you drink when you don't drink pop or alcohol? I can't do lemonade or tea, because it's not diet (too much sugar). And I feel like I'm 5 when I order milk. So water it is. Maybe I should carry some Crystal light packs with me to have flavored water. Hmm...
Um, how did my bagel sandwich get me here? I think I'm losing my mind nd I am sure it's only going to get worse. Oh well.
Monday, October 17, 2011
100th Entry
Really? Is that all? It seems like I've been pouring my heart out here for a lot longer than 100 posts. Wait... TV shows get a huge cake when they hit 100 episodes. Where's my cake? Maybe next week, on my birthday.
Jeez, I'm going to be 37 next week. When did I get that old? I mean, it's not old, but wasn't I just 25 a few weeks back? I still can't believe how much my life has changed in the past few years, but to say that I'm close to 40. I have a young child at home... how could I be in my late 30's?
OK, this wasn't supposed to be a birthday vent. This is a celebration post.
100 entries about stuff no one gives a shit about.
100 entries about paying off my debt (which is going pretty well, I might add).
100 entries about how much I love my family (or hate them, depending on my mood).
100 entries about how this time the diet will work. (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!)
100 entries about the 101 things I will do in 1,001 days. If I had done one for every post, I would be just about done, but I am nowhere near it.
I do enjoy writting in this blog though. It gives me space to be me, whether you like it or not. It gives me the space I need to get stuff off my chest, so that I don't explode. I feel like this is my chance to talk to other adults, since I don't get to do that every day (even when Pat comes home before bed!)
It gives me the opportunity to do something while I wait. (And I am waiting again...)
Hopefully I haven't bored anyone to death and if I have, it will do no good to apologize now, so I won't. You know, cuz you're dead and stopped reading this long ago. You wouldn't read my apology anyway.
I am very proud of myself for the things I have aaccomplished this year. I am on a road to financial recovery, and I am in a much better mental state because I can swear as much as I want to when I am here. I get things off my chest and I confide in you, dear reader, things I would probably never say aloud. You can say them to me, and I will run and delete and then deny it, but whatevs.
Bottom line: I feel like Popeye. I am what I am and that's all that I am. I am free here, and no one can take that from me.
(And just so you know, even though the blog count says 95, I have a few entries that I never finished, so this is technically my 100th. Maybe that's why there's no cake!)
Jeez, I'm going to be 37 next week. When did I get that old? I mean, it's not old, but wasn't I just 25 a few weeks back? I still can't believe how much my life has changed in the past few years, but to say that I'm close to 40. I have a young child at home... how could I be in my late 30's?
OK, this wasn't supposed to be a birthday vent. This is a celebration post.
100 entries about stuff no one gives a shit about.
100 entries about paying off my debt (which is going pretty well, I might add).
100 entries about how much I love my family (or hate them, depending on my mood).
100 entries about how this time the diet will work. (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!)
100 entries about the 101 things I will do in 1,001 days. If I had done one for every post, I would be just about done, but I am nowhere near it.
I do enjoy writting in this blog though. It gives me space to be me, whether you like it or not. It gives me the space I need to get stuff off my chest, so that I don't explode. I feel like this is my chance to talk to other adults, since I don't get to do that every day (even when Pat comes home before bed!)
It gives me the opportunity to do something while I wait. (And I am waiting again...)
Hopefully I haven't bored anyone to death and if I have, it will do no good to apologize now, so I won't. You know, cuz you're dead and stopped reading this long ago. You wouldn't read my apology anyway.
I am very proud of myself for the things I have aaccomplished this year. I am on a road to financial recovery, and I am in a much better mental state because I can swear as much as I want to when I am here. I get things off my chest and I confide in you, dear reader, things I would probably never say aloud. You can say them to me, and I will run and delete and then deny it, but whatevs.
Bottom line: I feel like Popeye. I am what I am and that's all that I am. I am free here, and no one can take that from me.
(And just so you know, even though the blog count says 95, I have a few entries that I never finished, so this is technically my 100th. Maybe that's why there's no cake!)
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