I am not one who usually jumps headfirst into things without weighing each pro and con, so when I have a big decision to make, it takes a while. I mean, I start planning my kids; birthday parties 6 months in advance and make lists upon lists of things that I could do, so I can have a plan in place. It gives me a sense of security.
Getting married? No brainer. That was an easy decision.
Having children? Took us months to decide whether to have a second one.
Deciding on a house? We looked at over 50.
So my latest decision has had me stumped for months. I have honestly been working on this since December. Do I stay in teaching or try something new?
I weighed the pros such as my time off with my kids, decent pay, great insurance. I weighed the cons, such as ever increasing demands, depression related to work, migraines, more administrative bullshit than I care to deal with, and so on. And I came to a decision.
I. AM. DONE. Yes, it will be hard to work year round, but I think that's a case of ignorance would have been bliss. I mean millions of women work year round and their children still love them and they get things done. Why shouldn't I be able to as well?
I thought of what I'd be taking away from my children- all that time with them. But I think that giving them a happier mom who is under less stress would be just as, if not more, beneficial to them.
So I told my first colleague today that I'm not coming back. She tried to talk me out of it, but all I could do was cry. I don't want to be there. I don't want to deal with any of the crap that we deal with. I have lost my passion for teaching and that's dangerous. A teacher who is just collecting a check isn't doing society any good. I don't want to be that, but I feel myself inching closer and closer to that.
I am terrified too. I don't know what I'll do. I know I have 4 months to find something, and that's a luxury not many are afforded. And I do know that any other job in the world is going to have administrative bullshit and a whole list of cons.
But I have to try. All I've ever done is teach. My first class was in 1994. Yes, I count the years I spent teaching preschool. Nearly 20 years of experience, and I despise it so much that I'm willing to walk away from it all. My books that I've spent thousands of dollars on. My posters. My summers. My pension.
And I don't care.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Losing It
I went to Target to get a few things... Baby food, a rain coat for each of the kids, spring/summer jammies for them, and a condelence card. While I was in the card section, it hit me that I needed to get a card for my mom's wedding on Saturday.
I walked to the aisle that had the wedding cards in them and just started sobbing. Mom's getting married on Saturday. In three days, she won't have the same last name she's had since 1968. My dad's name.
Dad died after suffering through illnesses and invalidity on July 3, 2010, a few days after Nathaniel's first birthday. He's buried in a cemetary not too far from where mom works. And although in my head I know he's not there, I fear that he's alone. That he always will be alone. And that my mom will forget about him.
It's not that I'm not happy for my mom. I am. (Or try to be.) She deserves to be happy. I promised her that when Dad died, if she found someone else I would be happy for her. But I never expected that to actually happen, so it was an easy promise.
The man she is marrying makes her happy. She makes him happy. Everyone is so happy it makes me want to vomit. I put on my smile and try to be as welcoming as possible, but I find that I am having a harder time than I ever expected to.
There's nothing wrong with him, but little comments that he makes drive me crazy. Like "I get to become a father and grandfather all in one day." No, my dad is dead and my kids aren't your grandkids. Ever.
Pat and I talked about how this was making me feel, about how I feel like my dad will be alone forever. He said he felt the same way about his dad. I don't care about his dad. My dad bought 6 plots in the cemetary, to fill up with his wife and kids, I assume. His dad bought 4 plots so that he could have a monument erected. I know two people that can be buried there- his uncle and the cousin who will probably never marry. So one spot will go unused. Pat and I plan to be buried together, and he knows better than to plant me by his dad. That brings us around again to my dad being all alone.
I would never tell my mom the way I feel because I don't want to hurt her. But inside I am hurting so much.
I walked to the aisle that had the wedding cards in them and just started sobbing. Mom's getting married on Saturday. In three days, she won't have the same last name she's had since 1968. My dad's name.
Dad died after suffering through illnesses and invalidity on July 3, 2010, a few days after Nathaniel's first birthday. He's buried in a cemetary not too far from where mom works. And although in my head I know he's not there, I fear that he's alone. That he always will be alone. And that my mom will forget about him.
It's not that I'm not happy for my mom. I am. (Or try to be.) She deserves to be happy. I promised her that when Dad died, if she found someone else I would be happy for her. But I never expected that to actually happen, so it was an easy promise.
The man she is marrying makes her happy. She makes him happy. Everyone is so happy it makes me want to vomit. I put on my smile and try to be as welcoming as possible, but I find that I am having a harder time than I ever expected to.
There's nothing wrong with him, but little comments that he makes drive me crazy. Like "I get to become a father and grandfather all in one day." No, my dad is dead and my kids aren't your grandkids. Ever.
Pat and I talked about how this was making me feel, about how I feel like my dad will be alone forever. He said he felt the same way about his dad. I don't care about his dad. My dad bought 6 plots in the cemetary, to fill up with his wife and kids, I assume. His dad bought 4 plots so that he could have a monument erected. I know two people that can be buried there- his uncle and the cousin who will probably never marry. So one spot will go unused. Pat and I plan to be buried together, and he knows better than to plant me by his dad. That brings us around again to my dad being all alone.
I would never tell my mom the way I feel because I don't want to hurt her. But inside I am hurting so much.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
The Experiment Month Two
So, yeah. Just like the road to Hell, my meal planning was paved with good intentions. Towards the end of the month, we got our tax refund, and went out to eat a few times and bought other groceries. I didn't make the enchiladas I had planned, nor did I make a meatloaf, but I did manage to keep the monthly grocery budget to under $250.
In my humble opinion, that was pretty damn amazing!
So, we're doing it again. This time, I gave myself $200 for the month. I have done the grocery shopping and some of the prep work, and the freezer is full. (Oh, speaking of freezers, did I mention that my mom gave me one? I was telling her about how we planned to take some of the daycare money from the summer- when we don't pay for day care for Veronica- and buy one. She offered to give us her old one. Yay!!!! We picked it up the next week, let it sit for a few days, and plugged that sucker in. We're keeping it in the garage, but so happy to have it!)
Ok, so my prep work consisted of cutting up chicken to make oven fajitas and stir fry. I also take all the breasts and butterfly them to make them into two breasts. I put them all into Ziploc bags and label them with the date and what I intend to use them for. (Some meals I know I'll need more meat.)
I also did the shopping in a few trips this time. One day over spring break, I went to the expensive grocery store. I wanted to make some bread and needed yeast. Of course the cart had more stuff in it than just the yeast. But they had pork tenderloins on sale. And by sale I mean coupons attached because they were nearing their sell by date. I bought $42 worth of tenderloins for $24. They are each about a pound and a half, and I got 6 of them. We grilled one that night, but the other 5 are in the freezer.
On another unrelated trip to Target, they had ground beef on sale, so I picked up 4 packs. Those 4, plus the ones I have leftover from March, give me enough for all of April (going in to May). So for proteins, I just needed chicken. Oh, the chicken.
When I went to Aldi to do the main shopping today, the chicken didn't look very good, so I decided to get it when I went to the expensive store, since they usually have a decent price on chicken. (I knew I would have to go for things like foil pans and ricotta cheese.) SO I got all the pantry stuff and most of everything else at Aldi. Spent $75. Not bad! Went to the other store and found the Chicken. $5.99 a pound! What the fuck? Packs of 3 chicken breasts were 10 bucks. I was pissed. I found one that had a $4 coupon on it, and another one that was thin sliced breasts- perfect for the fajitas and stir fry- that also had a $4 coupon on it. But that was it. The equivalent of 6 breasts for $12. There was no way I could do that, but I needed to have some chicken for dinner.
Then, I looked in the fridge section in the middle of the meat department. They had the same damn chicken in a family pack for $1.99 a pound. THE SAME BONELESS, SKINLESS CHICKEN BREASTS, JUST $3/POUND CHEAPER!!!!!!!! I put back the one pack of three breasts and got 5 packs of the family size packs. There were 5 breasts in each. I did buy the pack of thin cut ones, since I was getting tired at that point. So I ended up (after butterflying the chicken breasts) 50 breasts for about $37. If I had bought them at the regular price with the three packs, it would have cost right around $80. That's just nucking futs.
So anyway, the shopping is done, the meals are prepped and we are eating great this month. Some of the meals are new again, and I will review each of them and give a link to the recipe. But up this month is a parmesan chicken bake, salsa chicken in the crockpot, apple and honey pork tenderloin, goulash, enchiladas, fajitas, mashed potato casserole, grilled Italian sausage (I like the turkey sausage here. I have a pack of hot and a pack of sweet, both of which had $3 coupons on them) and French Toast Roll-ups. I think I am looking forward to those the most.
OK, I guess then look for new posts this week about the recipes and other ramblings that come from my head.
In my humble opinion, that was pretty damn amazing!
So, we're doing it again. This time, I gave myself $200 for the month. I have done the grocery shopping and some of the prep work, and the freezer is full. (Oh, speaking of freezers, did I mention that my mom gave me one? I was telling her about how we planned to take some of the daycare money from the summer- when we don't pay for day care for Veronica- and buy one. She offered to give us her old one. Yay!!!! We picked it up the next week, let it sit for a few days, and plugged that sucker in. We're keeping it in the garage, but so happy to have it!)
Ok, so my prep work consisted of cutting up chicken to make oven fajitas and stir fry. I also take all the breasts and butterfly them to make them into two breasts. I put them all into Ziploc bags and label them with the date and what I intend to use them for. (Some meals I know I'll need more meat.)
I also did the shopping in a few trips this time. One day over spring break, I went to the expensive grocery store. I wanted to make some bread and needed yeast. Of course the cart had more stuff in it than just the yeast. But they had pork tenderloins on sale. And by sale I mean coupons attached because they were nearing their sell by date. I bought $42 worth of tenderloins for $24. They are each about a pound and a half, and I got 6 of them. We grilled one that night, but the other 5 are in the freezer.
On another unrelated trip to Target, they had ground beef on sale, so I picked up 4 packs. Those 4, plus the ones I have leftover from March, give me enough for all of April (going in to May). So for proteins, I just needed chicken. Oh, the chicken.
When I went to Aldi to do the main shopping today, the chicken didn't look very good, so I decided to get it when I went to the expensive store, since they usually have a decent price on chicken. (I knew I would have to go for things like foil pans and ricotta cheese.) SO I got all the pantry stuff and most of everything else at Aldi. Spent $75. Not bad! Went to the other store and found the Chicken. $5.99 a pound! What the fuck? Packs of 3 chicken breasts were 10 bucks. I was pissed. I found one that had a $4 coupon on it, and another one that was thin sliced breasts- perfect for the fajitas and stir fry- that also had a $4 coupon on it. But that was it. The equivalent of 6 breasts for $12. There was no way I could do that, but I needed to have some chicken for dinner.
Then, I looked in the fridge section in the middle of the meat department. They had the same damn chicken in a family pack for $1.99 a pound. THE SAME BONELESS, SKINLESS CHICKEN BREASTS, JUST $3/POUND CHEAPER!!!!!!!! I put back the one pack of three breasts and got 5 packs of the family size packs. There were 5 breasts in each. I did buy the pack of thin cut ones, since I was getting tired at that point. So I ended up (after butterflying the chicken breasts) 50 breasts for about $37. If I had bought them at the regular price with the three packs, it would have cost right around $80. That's just nucking futs.
So anyway, the shopping is done, the meals are prepped and we are eating great this month. Some of the meals are new again, and I will review each of them and give a link to the recipe. But up this month is a parmesan chicken bake, salsa chicken in the crockpot, apple and honey pork tenderloin, goulash, enchiladas, fajitas, mashed potato casserole, grilled Italian sausage (I like the turkey sausage here. I have a pack of hot and a pack of sweet, both of which had $3 coupons on them) and French Toast Roll-ups. I think I am looking forward to those the most.
OK, I guess then look for new posts this week about the recipes and other ramblings that come from my head.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Screw ups and Oopsies
Ok, what have I made since last time? One pot spaghetti. I made it on Sunday and dear Lord, who do these people think they're feeding? I've had 7 meals out of this (breakfast sometimes and lunches, and 2 dinners) and there is still another 2 meals left over. It was easy to make. http://pinterest.com/pin/96686723222645310/
I also made crock pot cube steak. http://pinterest.com/pin/96686723222646376/ This will NOT be repeated in our house. The steaks all fell apart, so it made a chinky soup, basically. I made some elbow mac and dumped it in. That soaked up a lot of the liquid, and it tasted good enough to eat, but not something we'd eat again. In fact, Pat ate a plate of it and then opted for a bowl of cereal. He didn't like it. I didn't like it enough to eat it again, so we dumped it. I hate dumping food,. It is such a waste of time, money and resources, but if no one was going to eat it, then why keep it. Still, seeing that money thrown out was tough.
And speaking of things that didn't quite go as planned, I screwed up. I had taken my monthly calendar of meals to school with me, and left it there. I had no idea what I should be pulling out of the freezer for dinner tonight. But, since I had everything I need to cook anything on that menu, I grabbed the bag for oven fajitas. http://pinterest.com/pin/96686723222660713/
I had the foresight to chop the veggies and cut the chicken into strips before I froze it, so I just pulled the bag and put it in the fridge last night. This morning, I mixed the spices in a small container, so everything was ready to go. They turned out pretty good, and Nathaniel even ate some (without peppers or onions, of course). Veronica had her first firsthand experience with Mexican food because she tried a bit of the chicken. She kept grabbing for my plate after that first bite! The veggies were not as crisp as they are when you use a skillet or grill, but it had some good flavors.
Because I screwed up and took things out of order, tomorrow will be a regular pork stir fry with rice and Friday is Spaghetti and garlic bread. I think I have some more pinterest recipes coming up, and I will see how those turn out too. I did have to spend a little bit of money today, because I wanted some cheese for my fajitas, but other than that, we are still well below $200 for the month.
I also made crock pot cube steak. http://pinterest.com/pin/96686723222646376/ This will NOT be repeated in our house. The steaks all fell apart, so it made a chinky soup, basically. I made some elbow mac and dumped it in. That soaked up a lot of the liquid, and it tasted good enough to eat, but not something we'd eat again. In fact, Pat ate a plate of it and then opted for a bowl of cereal. He didn't like it. I didn't like it enough to eat it again, so we dumped it. I hate dumping food,. It is such a waste of time, money and resources, but if no one was going to eat it, then why keep it. Still, seeing that money thrown out was tough.
And speaking of things that didn't quite go as planned, I screwed up. I had taken my monthly calendar of meals to school with me, and left it there. I had no idea what I should be pulling out of the freezer for dinner tonight. But, since I had everything I need to cook anything on that menu, I grabbed the bag for oven fajitas. http://pinterest.com/pin/96686723222660713/
I had the foresight to chop the veggies and cut the chicken into strips before I froze it, so I just pulled the bag and put it in the fridge last night. This morning, I mixed the spices in a small container, so everything was ready to go. They turned out pretty good, and Nathaniel even ate some (without peppers or onions, of course). Veronica had her first firsthand experience with Mexican food because she tried a bit of the chicken. She kept grabbing for my plate after that first bite! The veggies were not as crisp as they are when you use a skillet or grill, but it had some good flavors.
Because I screwed up and took things out of order, tomorrow will be a regular pork stir fry with rice and Friday is Spaghetti and garlic bread. I think I have some more pinterest recipes coming up, and I will see how those turn out too. I did have to spend a little bit of money today, because I wanted some cheese for my fajitas, but other than that, we are still well below $200 for the month.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
The experiment continues
Tonight was beef and broccoli. http://pinterest.com/pin/96686723222620123/ I made this because it's what Pat gets every time we have Chinese food. Every. Time. I don't like it because often the meat doesn't taste done. So I thought, "Hmm. crock pot means long cooking time. Meat's got to be cooked enough even for me." I was right. It was good.
The first few bites tasted just like a pot roast. I was disappointed. But, the more I mixed it up with the rice, the better it tasted. I couldn't get it to finish in the crock pot though, so I have another dirty pot, but that's ok. My broccoli also turned out mushy, but let's be honest, broccoli doesn't taste all that great anyway.
I used to love broccoli, so don't start the hate just yet. But I've had a hard time eating it since I was about 8 weeks pregnant with Nathaniel. It was my one true food aversion. Before then, Pat and I were eating broccli three nights a week. (Keep your stinky fart smell jokes to yourself!) Being pregnant with that kid ruined broccoli for me to the point where I still have a hard time eating it (except for broccoli cheese soup, but really, how much is in there?) Now that Nathaniel is getting close to 4, I have just begun to be able to eat it again. I've had it roasted in the oven (which is awesome if you've never tried it- olive oil, garlic powder, onion powder, salt and pepper at 400 for 30 minutes or so) and I've had it tonight. As I said, it was mushy, but still discernible as brocoli.
The recipe I used called for beef consumme, but that stuff's expensive so after reading the comments on the original recipe, I just used beef broth and a package of onion soup mix. I also added an onion to the crock pot, because the CHinese place has them in their beef and broccoli. I also cooked the rice in beef broth, instead of water, to give it added flavor. (If you don't do this, you really should. It's great and you've already got it in the house if you made the B&B this way. I use chicken stock when I make rice for stir fry.)
Anyway, as I said, it turned out good. I will definitely be making it again. Tomorrow is just tomato soup and grilled cheese, since half our house is Catholic- no meat on Fridays.
One thing I remembered that I wanted to add- I spent another $12 on groceries, since I didn't have enough cheddar cheese, and wanted to make cake cookies- http://pinterest.com/pin/96686723222533220/ - for school. I also picked up some snacks for Nathaniel, since we really had none in the house. He loves swiss cake rolls. He calls them "cakey things." How can you resist that? My total is still under $170 for the month though, not including milk. Not too shabby.
PS- I ate bubble up pizza for breakfast and lunch today, and still have enough for lunch tomorrow. That would be 6 servings for about $8.00 worth of ingredients.
The first few bites tasted just like a pot roast. I was disappointed. But, the more I mixed it up with the rice, the better it tasted. I couldn't get it to finish in the crock pot though, so I have another dirty pot, but that's ok. My broccoli also turned out mushy, but let's be honest, broccoli doesn't taste all that great anyway.
I used to love broccoli, so don't start the hate just yet. But I've had a hard time eating it since I was about 8 weeks pregnant with Nathaniel. It was my one true food aversion. Before then, Pat and I were eating broccli three nights a week. (Keep your stinky fart smell jokes to yourself!) Being pregnant with that kid ruined broccoli for me to the point where I still have a hard time eating it (except for broccoli cheese soup, but really, how much is in there?) Now that Nathaniel is getting close to 4, I have just begun to be able to eat it again. I've had it roasted in the oven (which is awesome if you've never tried it- olive oil, garlic powder, onion powder, salt and pepper at 400 for 30 minutes or so) and I've had it tonight. As I said, it was mushy, but still discernible as brocoli.
The recipe I used called for beef consumme, but that stuff's expensive so after reading the comments on the original recipe, I just used beef broth and a package of onion soup mix. I also added an onion to the crock pot, because the CHinese place has them in their beef and broccoli. I also cooked the rice in beef broth, instead of water, to give it added flavor. (If you don't do this, you really should. It's great and you've already got it in the house if you made the B&B this way. I use chicken stock when I make rice for stir fry.)
Anyway, as I said, it turned out good. I will definitely be making it again. Tomorrow is just tomato soup and grilled cheese, since half our house is Catholic- no meat on Fridays.
One thing I remembered that I wanted to add- I spent another $12 on groceries, since I didn't have enough cheddar cheese, and wanted to make cake cookies- http://pinterest.com/pin/96686723222533220/ - for school. I also picked up some snacks for Nathaniel, since we really had none in the house. He loves swiss cake rolls. He calls them "cakey things." How can you resist that? My total is still under $170 for the month though, not including milk. Not too shabby.
PS- I ate bubble up pizza for breakfast and lunch today, and still have enough for lunch tomorrow. That would be 6 servings for about $8.00 worth of ingredients.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Bubble up pizza and more
So yesterday, I had planned to make brown sugar chicken. When I got home, the chicken wasn't fully defrosted, so I had to go with someting else. Since i had everything I need for the month, I pulled out stuff that didn't need to be defrosted. I went with the bubble up pizza.
I love this recipe for several reasons. One, it's cheap. Two, it's super easy. Three, I have an awesome soux chef who loves to help with the prep work. Before I forget, here's the recipe. http://pinterest.com/pin/96686723222520352/
It takes like 5 minutes to put together. Cutting the biscuits takes the longest, except when I have Nathaniel cut up the pepperoni. We tried a knife, a pair of scissors, and finally settled on him tearing it into pieces. (He needs help wit his fine motor skills, so I figured we practice while cooking together.) He doesn't like it as much as regualr pizza and told me he didn't want to eat it.
For once, I was fine with that. I made him some pasta and made the pizza for Pat and I. I put in minced garlic, pepperoni and onion. I also used a shit ton of cheese. No really. On the side of the package it said "shit ton."
ANyway, I baked it up and Pat and I had it for dinner and I had some for lunch and still have half a pan left. Lunch tomorrow is served! Especially since we were really hungry tonight and have no leftovers. Brown sugar chicken and cheesy corn casserole.
Speaking of the corn casserole, It tasted pretty good reheated after being frozen. Nathaniel liked it when we had it the other day (when I made it) but he didn't like it tonight. That's ok though. He ate all his carrots. ;) Tomorrow is another new recipe... crock pot beef and broccoli. Can't wait to see how it turns out!
I love this recipe for several reasons. One, it's cheap. Two, it's super easy. Three, I have an awesome soux chef who loves to help with the prep work. Before I forget, here's the recipe. http://pinterest.com/pin/96686723222520352/
It takes like 5 minutes to put together. Cutting the biscuits takes the longest, except when I have Nathaniel cut up the pepperoni. We tried a knife, a pair of scissors, and finally settled on him tearing it into pieces. (He needs help wit his fine motor skills, so I figured we practice while cooking together.) He doesn't like it as much as regualr pizza and told me he didn't want to eat it.
For once, I was fine with that. I made him some pasta and made the pizza for Pat and I. I put in minced garlic, pepperoni and onion. I also used a shit ton of cheese. No really. On the side of the package it said "shit ton."
ANyway, I baked it up and Pat and I had it for dinner and I had some for lunch and still have half a pan left. Lunch tomorrow is served! Especially since we were really hungry tonight and have no leftovers. Brown sugar chicken and cheesy corn casserole.
Speaking of the corn casserole, It tasted pretty good reheated after being frozen. Nathaniel liked it when we had it the other day (when I made it) but he didn't like it tonight. That's ok though. He ate all his carrots. ;) Tomorrow is another new recipe... crock pot beef and broccoli. Can't wait to see how it turns out!
Head Vs, Heart
**I started to type this yesterday, March 12, 2013, but I couldn't get through it all. Here is what I remember of what I had planned to say. This is also why I couldn't put the recipes in my previous post.**
Ugh. I just can't stop crying today. My head is battling with my heart and that always makes things difficult. Two years ago today, I had my second miscarriage. And my heart is breaking.
My heart misses what will never be. My heart longs for the baby I lost. My heart is full of pain today.
But my head, oh my head! My head knows that if I'd had that baby, I wouldn't have my sweet wonderful Veronica. I sit watching her and she is next to me laughing. She waves at me and gives me a smile, as if to say "Mommy, I was meant to be here with you, not the other one."
So while my heart breaks, my head rejoices in the new things my daughter discovers every day. My heart aches with pain but also with the joy she brings.
When your head and heart are battling, there will be no actual casualties, but it's a hard fought battle.
Ugh. I just can't stop crying today. My head is battling with my heart and that always makes things difficult. Two years ago today, I had my second miscarriage. And my heart is breaking.
My heart misses what will never be. My heart longs for the baby I lost. My heart is full of pain today.
But my head, oh my head! My head knows that if I'd had that baby, I wouldn't have my sweet wonderful Veronica. I sit watching her and she is next to me laughing. She waves at me and gives me a smile, as if to say "Mommy, I was meant to be here with you, not the other one."
So while my heart breaks, my head rejoices in the new things my daughter discovers every day. My heart aches with pain but also with the joy she brings.
When your head and heart are battling, there will be no actual casualties, but it's a hard fought battle.
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