Eye Doc, Bills, and "Hookey"

I went to the eye doctor yesterday. For the past few days, there has been an irritant in my left eye. I was afraid that it was a shard of glass from when my vase broke on Sunday. Fortunately, he didn't see anything in my eye. However, my body is reacting to something, sending white blood cells to my eye, forming little white bumps under my eyelid. So I have antibiotics for the next week, as well as warm compresses for the next five days or so.

Immediately after the first dose of antibiotics, my eye started feeling better. Thank God for that, but I can't wear my contacts for a week, which blows. We were planning to go away this weekend to Starved Rock. How am I going to spend an entire weekend outside without sunglasses?? Well, the mail took care of that worry.

After getting home from the doctor, (an unexpected $50 spent- when you include my lunch at Panda Express since I had to wait for my prescription) I got the mail. In the mail was the gas bill, the cable bill, the water bill, a red light ticket for Pat, and the tax bill. Now we can afford to pay all these bills, but there goes our vacation. I am most afraid of the tax bill. We don't have enough in our escrow to cover that. We are short about $600. How does the second installment of taxes double from the first installment? It's the 2010 bill, not even this year! I have no idea how this will impact our mortgage payments. That really worries me.

It's not like we went out and found a house that was way overpriced and that we knew we coulnd't afford. We knew exactly what we could afford and that's what we bought. So why do I have the feeling that we are in financial dire straits? Plus, when Pat figures this out (or if I tell him why I am so freaked) there is no way he will agree to have another child... or even try.

I really, really want that. Even if we don't have another baby, I want to try until the end of this year. That way, I can say I did everything I could to have another one.

I accept what is, but I can't help but worry about it anyway. Is there anything that I can do to change what is? No. Will worrying about it take it away? No.

After this weekend, some of my other stressors will be gone. I am staying home today (to rest my eye, hence the hookey) and I am hoping to get my Spanish final done as well as the rest of the thank you notes from Pat's dads funeral. Get that monkey off my back once and for all. I also want to go shopping for groceries for next week, since I took the money out of the bank this morning. I know that I'll spend it on other stuff if it stays in my wallet. I also have to get a few birthday cards and an anniversary card.

I have nothing to give to Pat for our anniversary, and that makes me feel like crap. He doesn't understnad why it bothers me so much. I know that I provide him with dinner every night, and he has clean clothes and a place to lay his head every night. But I would do that for him anyway. How do I show him that I really and truly do love him? I know that the actions of the other 364 days show him that, but our anniversary is such a special day to me. I'm sure I'll come up with something. Maybe just bake another apple pie.

my flowers

I was so excited to get these at school today.



I'll write more about what's going on later, after Nathaniel goes to bed.

So Many Thoughts Running Around My Head

There has been so much going on in the last 24 hours, and I am doing my best to process it all. First, the news last night. My mom called me around 9:45 (Iron Chef America was still on but I was mostly asleep). She told me that Osama bin Laden had been killed. I couldn't figure out what was going on, since I was sleeping, but I got up and joined Pat in the living room to watch the President speak.

I waited. And waited. And waited. Finally President Obama came on to tell the world officially what had been done and the results of those efforts. I cried for a minute or two.

I don't know why I was crying. Was it because I think it's over? No, I don't think terrorism will ever be "over." Was it relief? I don't think that's it either. I think it was just me flashing back in my mind to nearly 10 years ago when I watched the plane fly into the second building. That morning will never fade from my brain.

I was getting ready for work, and dad was listening to the radio, as he always did. I heard the tv go on, and thought "Dad's really losing it. He's got the tv and radio on." I went in to ask him to turn one or the other off. He told me that a plane had flown into the WTC. At that time, no one knew why or what. I called my mom and she came in and then it happened. We sat there, dumbfounded, as the second plane flew into the building.

I knew in that moment that our world had changed forever.

As I drove to work that morning, terrified beyond what I could have imagined earlier that morning, I was talking to my BFF and we were discussing what had happened. Being in our mid-20's, we thought of our futures and what the future would bring. More terror? More bombings? Less safety?

I had night terrors for weeks after September 11th, and I would wake up screaming. I cannot (to this day) tolerate seeing any images of the towers- with or without the flames and smoke. I break down crying again.

Last night, after the President was done speaking to the world, I snuck into Nathaniel's room. I needed to hug and hold him close to me. I needed something pure and perfect. I needed him then more than he will ever need me. I picked up my beautiful son and whispered in his ear. I told him that I hope his world is a little more peaceful and safe.

Do I think it is? No. I fear retaliation for this act will come, and will come strong. I can only hope and pray, as many Americans will, that we can enter into a time of peace, a time of love, and a time of acceptance.

I hope and pray that what was done was really the best thing to have happened. As many parents feel, I don't care about what happens to me, I just hope that things are brighter and better for my child. I want him to live in a world that isn't affected by war and destruction on a daily basis.

Is there such a place? I tell you, my friends, there is. In that instant when I snuggled my son close to me in the night, a world exsisted in which there was nothing but peace, unending love, and the knowledge that everything I do is done with love and hope.

Let's hope that this can unite America as it once was, and that we can all start treating each other with a little more respect, love, and compassion. After all, everyone on this planet is someone's pure and perfect child.

Just had to note the day

My angel pie is so wondrously sweet. I had such a crappy day (even though I am now 1/2 way through the make-up to school for two weeks goal) and I just wanted to go to bed when I got home. I knew that wouldn't happen. To sum up the afternoon, Nathaniel went to bed about an hour later than he normally does. When that happens, it takes longer for him to go down, because he's over tired.

Anyway, on the 4th time putting him back in his bed, I just held him for a whle. He was resting his head on my shoulder and he suddenly picked it up and grabbed my face with his two little hands and kissed me three times on my nose. He just started giving me (and only me) kisses with his lips a few days ago. It was so sweet I just started to cry. He said "no cry." I stopped crying and starting singing him his "I love Nathaniel" song that I have sung to him since he was born.

To the tune of "Frere Jaques"
I love Nathaniel, I love Nathaniel,
Yes I do. Yes I do.
He is my so big boy. He is my so big boy,
I love you. Yes I do.

When I had finished singing it, he looked up at me and said in his perfectly sweet voice "lul loo too." My heart just melted. Any hardships I face will be easier because I have that sweet little boy in my life. God has truly blessed me more than I ever deserved to be.

Another one down, but harder than I thought

I got another of my 101 things done today. I finished number 13, organize Nathaniel's baby pictures. They were the pictures my mom took, from his Baptism to just after his first birthday. They were so bittersweet to look at. I love seeing how much my baby has grown, and I love all the changes he's gone through. But, there were pictures of him and my dad in there, and those made me cry. Some days the pain is still so acute, even though he's been gone since last July. My one regret is that I don't have a lot of pictures of Nathaniel with him. Of course, Nathaniel knows that the man in the pictures is "Bumpa" and he calls him that, but he will never know how funny my dad was. I see a lot of my dad in him, especially when he gives me those smart-ass looks of his. just so dad.
At Dad's surprise birthday party

Who made that smell?

Nathaniel and Bumpa


It also brought out the tears since I won't be having another squishy baby as soon as I thought I was going to. That's been on the forefront of my mind today though. I was shopping for a friend's baby shower, and thought to myself "No problem. I can handle this." Well, as it turned out, I couldn't. I broke down right there in the middle of the baby section of Target. In his usual knowing style, Nathaniel gave me a hug and said "cry?" It was just what I needed. He helps remind me f all the blessings that I already have.