Today Was Rough

Today was just a really rough day. I so need a break from work. Thank God it's Friday. I don't know how many more days I can make it before I snap. I know it's not just me. Everyone needs a break.

And then, tonight, Pat wanted pizza. I was ok with that until it actually got here and he opened the box. I guess I really can call myself strong. I did have some of the cheese and pepperoni, but none of the crust. It wasn't as good without it, but it cured the craving. I still haven't had a carb.

On Monday, I will have my official weigh-in. I hope it's a good number. I will be happy with any amount of weight loss, obviously, but more would be better. I probably screwed myself today though by not having any veggies. I had eggs for breakfast and dinner, and a burger for lunch. I had the lettuce and onions on the burger, so that should count for something, right? Yeah, I didn't think so.

So now I am at home, quarter after 8 in the evening, laying in bed watching "Cleopatra" with Richard Burton and Liz Taylor. This is probably the 3rd or 4th time I've tried to watch it, but just couldn't get into it. These ols movies that I've been watching just amaze me with the sets they had to create. I love the epics. Oh, I hope The Ten Commandments will be on soon. The Sound of Music too. They're always on around Easter. Time to search the guide!

Just so we al know: The Ten Commandments will be on channel 7 on the 23rd at 6pm and the Sound of Music will be on Sunday the 24th on family channel. ALready set the DVR! (I've always had a thing for Christopher Plummer! When he sings Edlewiess, I just melt!)

I need a break

I feel like there is just so much going on right now and I jsut need a break. I am just feeling overwhelmed by work, keeping up with the house and then paying the bills. I just feel like I am tapped out.

The past few nights I have been going to bed between 8 and 9. That's just ridiculous. I really need to just take some time and prioritize everything, and I know it. Earlier today I had so much to say, but now I can't think of a darn thing to write.

I am almost done with another goal- the make up one. If I wear make up tomorrow (and I will) I can cross that one off. That would make 13 done. I have to admit that feels pretty good to know I've gotten that much done in under two months.

I really want to work on the losing 50 pounds. I am going to try the Atkins diet. I know someone who has had some great success with it, and it pretty much is how I should be eating anyway, so I am excited.

Why did I think it would be better in the basement?

Pat picked up Nathaniel from daycare today so that I could do some errands after school today. (And I was successful with those!) So, since I got home before them, I decided that I would go ahead and work out before dinner. Brilliant thinking on my part, right? So I did the Zumba basic and it was HELL. I knew that after sitting on the couch for so long, it would be hard, but I really did enjoy it. Pat and Nathaniel came home and came downstairs to see me. Let's just say that Pat enjoyed it, the perv. Nathaniel loves music, so he was dancing too. I finished up my workout and then went to go upstairs. Um, didn't I just work my legs really hard? Yeah, that was me. I lifted my leg to put it on the bottom step and BAM! That stuff hurt! What was I thinking?

But, I made it up the stairs and now I get to make dinner. I really don't want to eat. Maybe that's a good thing. Working out may just be a heck of an appetite suppressant.

Done in by two tiny batteries

Yesterday, while I was visiting my mom and sister, I asked Pat to hook up the new DVD player to the basement tv so I could work out. He did, and I was really excited this morning to be able to work out when Nathaniel was in bed. I got home from work, really damn tired and the last thing I wanted to do was workout. But, after Nathaniel was in bed, I changed into some workout clothes and went downstairs. I put in Zumba and although I had NO desire to do so, pressed play on the DVD player. It took me through the introduction and then back to the main menu. OK, I wanted to go on to the basic workout. But, the only buttons on the unit are stop, play/pause, open, and power. There is no way to fast forward or go to the next chapter unless you use the remote. ANd no, it didn't have batteries. All I needed was 2 AAA batteries and I would have done the workout.

I am kinda pissed at myself for this, because I knew I bought the cheapest player I could find, but I didn't expect it to be that cheap. I am also mad that I didn't read the box yesterday when I bought it. Ugh.

So, here I am, on the first day, and I didn't even work out. Done in by two tiny batteries. Now I jsut want to go to bed. I am tired and I am afraid that since I didn't work out today, I won't do it tomorrow either. Boy, I could really use some support. Someone needs to come and kick my ass so that I exercise. Tomorrow I will!

A Nice Change

So, I've decided that this weekend I will tackle another task on my list. I am going to get rid of my old journals. God help me! These are the journals from high school (are they really over 20 years old?) and college. Ugh. So many memories. I now wish we had gotten a house with a fire place.

I think **and hope** that getting rid of them will be a healing process for me... to get rid of all the old pain that I had. Hopefully, I will be able to let it all go and see myself the way that Pat sees me. I fully intend on reading them one last time, although I am not sure if that's too smart. There is so much hurt in them. I've been wanting to get rid of them for YEARS, but I just couldn't let go. I am hoping that by making sure they are gone, that the hurt, sad, and utterly forgettable girl will go with them, allowing me to become me. I am hoping that by getting rid of that extra weight, I can start getting rid of the real extra weight.

I've been doing a lot of thinking on this subject lately. When I watch The Biggest Loser or Heavy, I see all the people are in some therapy and they deal with their emotions and pasts and go on to lose weight. I always thought, I don't have all that baggage. But, maybe I do. But, I also KNOW I am worth taking time for me, and I KNOW that the people in my life love me, that's why they are in my life now. So I will just continue to struggle with this matter. Maybe going through the old stuff will help bring about some much needed closure to the heinous times in my life, and allow me to embrace the present.

I am actually crying now, but I think it's because I can see myself as happy, with only positive thoughts and people surrounding me. Happy crying is a nice change.