The voices in my head won't stop talking to me. I am going nuts with the lack of sleep. I haven't been sleeping well lately. I can't seem to shut off my mind. There are just so many things running around in there, and it seems they have the space to do it! It's 11:45 pm, and I plan on getting up at 6 tomorrow morning so that I can get to work early. I have tons of stuff to do there too. None that I really want to do though.
I have been really struggling with this school year. It started out great but went to shit pretty quick. I don't want to be there, and I really don't feel like I like any of my students. I would hate for Nathaniel to ever have a teacher that feels like that, and I am trying to remind myself of that every day. I pray that God helps me to be the teacher that my students need, but it doesn't seem to happen for me. I have been looking to schools to see what else I can do with my life, but what kind of job security will that give me? What about spending time with Nathaniel? Right now, I get to sepnd a lot of time with him, and I love that. And I really do like teaching, I enjoy it overall, but I am just struggling this year. And that sucks because behaviorally, my class is pretty good. Academically, they want to try (ok, well most of them). So obviously, the problem is me.
I am also feeling quite overwhelmed by debt right now. I know that I'm getting an extra paycheck this month, which will help greatly, but I still have the mortgage, daycare (both of them) electric, gas, credit cards and everything else to pay for and I just feel like I am just barely treading water. I know in the back of my head (somewhere) that we have enough to pay for our bills. But until I actually get everything paid, it will be on my mind. This is not conducive to sleep, however.
I am hopeful that soon my mind will calm down and allow me to sleep peacefully and deeply, and restfully.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
I Guess I'm Human After All
Who knew? Apparently, I am not the cold, heartless bitch that I thought. (or that others thought, I'm not really sure.) I say this because tomorrow is Pat's Dad's wake.
And I am sad.
I had to buy the paper this morning, to get his obituary so that I could take my three days bereavement and get paid for it, instead of using sick days. I opened up the Sun Times and started to read it.
And I cried.
I am not sad that a major stressor is gone from my life. I am not sad that Pat can now come home at the end of his long workday. But I am sad that Nathaniel will not remember either of his grandfathers. I am sad that he will not grow up hearing thier stories. I am sad that Pat is so hurt (although he really tries to hide it.)
But, I am also sad that I just couldn't have let it all go before he died. Honestly, I think about it and wonder how much of the bullshit was real and how much was imaginary? But, wouldn't he have been happy that there is a person in this world that would defend his son and grandson at any expense?
No matter how negative a thing he said about my son or my husband (his own son) I would have fought him tooth and nail. What parent wouldn't want a person like that in their child's life?
When Pat and I first became aware that we were going to be parents ourselves, we had several long talks about how we would be different from our parents. I remember him swearing to me that he would never treat Nathaniel the way that his dad treated him (regarding the negativity and manipulation). The fact that he could even acknowledge that there was something disfunctional about his relationship with his dad speaks volumes. So not all of it was in my imagination.
In discussing my feelings with my sounding board and BFF, we talked about how Pat's dad loved kids. I had heard stories about how he adored Pat's sister (same mom, different dad) when she was young. He loved Johnny's little girl while she was around. He even would play with and buy Christmas presents for my nephew Larry. Then there was Nathaniel. I think he thought the sun rose and set on that kid's behind. (Doesn't it? I am pretty sure that's true.) SO masybe he just loved kids until they got to a certain age.
If that's so, then maybe it's a good thing that he died before Nathaniel hit that age of the stand off. I am honestly doing my best to make sure that Nathaniel will always love his grandpa, and that's where I start to tear up.
Because, his grandpa really loved him. And that goes a long way with softening my heart. So, I guess I'm human after all. I just hope that my tears don't look fake tomorrow or Thursday. They are real. And so is the sadness.
And I am sad.
I had to buy the paper this morning, to get his obituary so that I could take my three days bereavement and get paid for it, instead of using sick days. I opened up the Sun Times and started to read it.
And I cried.
I am not sad that a major stressor is gone from my life. I am not sad that Pat can now come home at the end of his long workday. But I am sad that Nathaniel will not remember either of his grandfathers. I am sad that he will not grow up hearing thier stories. I am sad that Pat is so hurt (although he really tries to hide it.)
But, I am also sad that I just couldn't have let it all go before he died. Honestly, I think about it and wonder how much of the bullshit was real and how much was imaginary? But, wouldn't he have been happy that there is a person in this world that would defend his son and grandson at any expense?
No matter how negative a thing he said about my son or my husband (his own son) I would have fought him tooth and nail. What parent wouldn't want a person like that in their child's life?
When Pat and I first became aware that we were going to be parents ourselves, we had several long talks about how we would be different from our parents. I remember him swearing to me that he would never treat Nathaniel the way that his dad treated him (regarding the negativity and manipulation). The fact that he could even acknowledge that there was something disfunctional about his relationship with his dad speaks volumes. So not all of it was in my imagination.
In discussing my feelings with my sounding board and BFF, we talked about how Pat's dad loved kids. I had heard stories about how he adored Pat's sister (same mom, different dad) when she was young. He loved Johnny's little girl while she was around. He even would play with and buy Christmas presents for my nephew Larry. Then there was Nathaniel. I think he thought the sun rose and set on that kid's behind. (Doesn't it? I am pretty sure that's true.) SO masybe he just loved kids until they got to a certain age.
If that's so, then maybe it's a good thing that he died before Nathaniel hit that age of the stand off. I am honestly doing my best to make sure that Nathaniel will always love his grandpa, and that's where I start to tear up.
Because, his grandpa really loved him. And that goes a long way with softening my heart. So, I guess I'm human after all. I just hope that my tears don't look fake tomorrow or Thursday. They are real. And so is the sadness.
Friday, September 2, 2011
It's Over
Pat's dad died yesterday. Pat was able to be with him in the end, so I am happy for that, because he is happy that he was there. I don't know how I would've felt had I been with my dad when he took his last breath. I don't know if that would have made it easier or not. But that's not what this entry is about.
I am not sure how I can comfort Pat. I of course gave him a hug when he finally got home last night. I will take phone calls for him when he just can't answer the phone anymore. I will be there, waiting for him to open up on me or unleash his grief and/or anger. And I will of course accept condolences from people to pass along to him. I will be there to remind him that he was a wonderful son to his father, no matter what other people might say, and I will defend him and his decisions until my own dying breath.
But I am not grieving the way he is. I couldn't. If his dad had died years ago, before we got engaged, I would have been really upset. But the past 3 plus years of my life have been so different from the previous 6 1/2... when Pat and I were just dating.
I am of course saddened for my husband's loss. I will grieve with him. I will help him to remember the "good times" he had with his dad. I will help Nathaniel remember his Grandpa (because despite how little I liked the man, N loved him, and he loved Nathaniel). I will never take that from him. In fact, I think the only positive thing about the man was that he did love his grandson. I have always acknowledged that.
I will work to not let my hatred for him cloud Nathaniel's feelings and memories, if he should carry any into the future. (He is only 2, afterall.)
I am sorry that my son will not grow up with grandfathers. But there are pictures and there are memories that can be kept.
And now, I face a dilemma. One of my 101 things to do was to forgive and forget. Right after Nathaniel's birthday, I had said that I would never be able to do it. I couldn't forgive or forget what he said to me and did to me. What he did just hurt me too much. So here's the dilemma: do I take it off my list and replace it with something else or do I just leave it there, as a reminder that AI couldn't accomplish everything?
I am not sure how I can comfort Pat. I of course gave him a hug when he finally got home last night. I will take phone calls for him when he just can't answer the phone anymore. I will be there, waiting for him to open up on me or unleash his grief and/or anger. And I will of course accept condolences from people to pass along to him. I will be there to remind him that he was a wonderful son to his father, no matter what other people might say, and I will defend him and his decisions until my own dying breath.
But I am not grieving the way he is. I couldn't. If his dad had died years ago, before we got engaged, I would have been really upset. But the past 3 plus years of my life have been so different from the previous 6 1/2... when Pat and I were just dating.
I am of course saddened for my husband's loss. I will grieve with him. I will help him to remember the "good times" he had with his dad. I will help Nathaniel remember his Grandpa (because despite how little I liked the man, N loved him, and he loved Nathaniel). I will never take that from him. In fact, I think the only positive thing about the man was that he did love his grandson. I have always acknowledged that.
I will work to not let my hatred for him cloud Nathaniel's feelings and memories, if he should carry any into the future. (He is only 2, afterall.)
I am sorry that my son will not grow up with grandfathers. But there are pictures and there are memories that can be kept.
And now, I face a dilemma. One of my 101 things to do was to forgive and forget. Right after Nathaniel's birthday, I had said that I would never be able to do it. I couldn't forgive or forget what he said to me and did to me. What he did just hurt me too much. So here's the dilemma: do I take it off my list and replace it with something else or do I just leave it there, as a reminder that AI couldn't accomplish everything?
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Bitter
A friend announced on facebook yesterday that she's expecting her third child. WHile I love my son and am happy that we have our one perfect child, I can't help but be sad and bitter (and jealous!) about this. Maybe because everything is so up in the air right now. Maybe it's the PMS. But I think that most likely it's because my due date is quickly approaching for the one I lost in March.
Don't get me wrong, I am very happy for the friend and I do not begrudge anyone their own happiness, but today it just stings a little.
Edited at 11:10 to add: An online "friend" just announced her pregnancy. I only know this woman as an internet stranger that frequents the same forums that I do. I am beyond thrilled for her, and not one ounce of bitterness or jealousy. This is her first, after many years of infertility and trying. She was scheduled for an IVF in Octeober, but managed a Hail Mary. I do not know anything about her other than her strugles, but I feel complete and total joy for her.
(The other person already has two kids. Still jealous and bitter.)
Don't get me wrong, I am very happy for the friend and I do not begrudge anyone their own happiness, but today it just stings a little.
Edited at 11:10 to add: An online "friend" just announced her pregnancy. I only know this woman as an internet stranger that frequents the same forums that I do. I am beyond thrilled for her, and not one ounce of bitterness or jealousy. This is her first, after many years of infertility and trying. She was scheduled for an IVF in Octeober, but managed a Hail Mary. I do not know anything about her other than her strugles, but I feel complete and total joy for her.
(The other person already has two kids. Still jealous and bitter.)
Friday, August 12, 2011
A Lot of Randoms
So, where to begin? I took Nathaniel back to daycare last week, and as I posted, I felt really guilty. He got scratched bad his first day back and Pat and I were livid. So he is now going to a new school 3 days a week and is in the daycare 2 days a week. He's only staying there until I can get him in full time at the new place. I never felt that our provider didn't keep him safe enough, but it happened at least once a week (a bite, hitting, or scratch) and enough was enough for us. It certainly wasn't how we thought it would go, but it is what it is. N is happy at the new place, I just worry that I've traded once biter for 20.
I am starting a new school year myself. Yes, already. School starts Monday and I am actually in my classroom now, having lunch, waiting for the afternoon meetings to start. Yesterday was very difficult for me. I could NOT stay awake during the meetings and such. I really missed my nap. I am doing ok right now, but I guarantee I am taking a nap tomorrow!!!
I have also discovered that the Meatball subs from Subway do not taste good on the honey oat bread. Feeling a little disappointed by that one.
I am trying to make plans (meal plans) for next week, since I will be dog tired. Pat is off Monday, which will help a lot. I told him he had to make dinner that night. So we'll either have peanut butter and jelly or we'll go out. I am really hoping we go out. I want to really strive towards a goal of 25 pounds lost. Just 25. I'll worry about the rest later. I just want to lose 25. Of course, that means no more meatball subs, but I can get other subs made into a salad. So keep reading for updates on that 25 pound goal.
What else? I am kinda looking forward to the next school year (the one that has started for us teachers). I just have that fresh new school year feeling. The one that you just feel so full of hope and excitement. I didn't have that last year or the year before, so I am happy that I feel this way again.
I guess I just feel like everything is coming together for us. And for me. There is a lot of uncertainty that has been settled, and that's a great feeling. So long as I can get my health issues together (again, no more meatball subs) everything else should be gravy. (Mmm, gravy...)
It's gonna be an exciting next year!
I am starting a new school year myself. Yes, already. School starts Monday and I am actually in my classroom now, having lunch, waiting for the afternoon meetings to start. Yesterday was very difficult for me. I could NOT stay awake during the meetings and such. I really missed my nap. I am doing ok right now, but I guarantee I am taking a nap tomorrow!!!
I have also discovered that the Meatball subs from Subway do not taste good on the honey oat bread. Feeling a little disappointed by that one.
I am trying to make plans (meal plans) for next week, since I will be dog tired. Pat is off Monday, which will help a lot. I told him he had to make dinner that night. So we'll either have peanut butter and jelly or we'll go out. I am really hoping we go out. I want to really strive towards a goal of 25 pounds lost. Just 25. I'll worry about the rest later. I just want to lose 25. Of course, that means no more meatball subs, but I can get other subs made into a salad. So keep reading for updates on that 25 pound goal.
What else? I am kinda looking forward to the next school year (the one that has started for us teachers). I just have that fresh new school year feeling. The one that you just feel so full of hope and excitement. I didn't have that last year or the year before, so I am happy that I feel this way again.
I guess I just feel like everything is coming together for us. And for me. There is a lot of uncertainty that has been settled, and that's a great feeling. So long as I can get my health issues together (again, no more meatball subs) everything else should be gravy. (Mmm, gravy...)
It's gonna be an exciting next year!
Saturday, August 6, 2011
The Three Year Plan
I am putting myself on what I like to call the "3 year plan." You know how when you get your credit card statements, it shows what you will pay in interest and the total if you only make the minimum payment? And below that it shows you what you could pay a month to pay off the card in three years? That is what I am doing.
I am going to cut the cards (ouch!) and stop using them. I am also going to have to stay the Hell away from Target. I think it's almost to the point of being in need of an intervention.
I need to do this now to prepare for our future. I feel confident that I can so this. It coincides with the time that Nathaniel will go to Kindergarten. Imagine being debt free the same time you stop paying for daycare! What we will do with the extra money???
We have already made a plan for Christmas. During September, October and November, we will both put aside $200. That will give us $1200 for Christmas, which is more than sufficient for all our familes, Nathaniel's teachers, and food for Christmas dinner. This way, we (I) won't have to use the credit cards.
Hoping that I can be successful in this new venture.
I am going to cut the cards (ouch!) and stop using them. I am also going to have to stay the Hell away from Target. I think it's almost to the point of being in need of an intervention.
I need to do this now to prepare for our future. I feel confident that I can so this. It coincides with the time that Nathaniel will go to Kindergarten. Imagine being debt free the same time you stop paying for daycare! What we will do with the extra money???
We have already made a plan for Christmas. During September, October and November, we will both put aside $200. That will give us $1200 for Christmas, which is more than sufficient for all our familes, Nathaniel's teachers, and food for Christmas dinner. This way, we (I) won't have to use the credit cards.
Hoping that I can be successful in this new venture.
Monday, August 1, 2011
A Chance to Sit and Think
I finally have a moment to reflect on the past few days/weeks. I have this as I struggle with my own guilt. I took (sent) Nathaniel back to day care a week early. I know that he was bored with just being with me, so I am glad that he's back with other kids... but I feel so guilt for being home when he's not here. It makes me feel like a failure. Like I am not a great mom (or even a good mom) because I couldn't spend the whole summer with him. I have (and had) so much that I needed to get done this summer, and not of it has been accomplished. So that is what I will be doing this week. I have things planned as a list for every day this week. I'm looking forward to cleaning and getting rid of a bunch of old things. But that will come later. First, I need to clean out my own head.
First, my sister came to visit. I love when she comes to town. She stays here with us, and I take her to my mom's and shopping, etc. It's a good time, and Nathaniel loves to have comapny. However, this time was different. I got really sick... no, not of her but of the way we eat when we are together. I know my weaknesses and she knows hers. But there is something so almost disfunctional about us being together. We eat horribly. After only 2 days, I was so sick and felt like absolute garbage. I guess I came to Jesus again. I can't eat like that.
We enable each other. That needs to stop for both our sakes. I really hope that the next time she visits, I am a stronger person and can refuse the foods that she can only get here. (Especially since I had just gone to the doctor and I know better!)
Another thing that's been weighing on my mind has been my quest for another child. I have said it a million times before that if Nathaniel was the only child I ever have, then I am far more blessed than I ever deserved to be. I truly do believe that. I have come to terms with the fact that he will be my only child. I lvoe him, and I want him to have everything he needs. Right now, we can do that. I know (hope) that I meet all his emotional, physical, and mental needs. But if he's our only, I can meet his financial needs too.
It's not all about the money. I don't mean for it to sound like that. But there is a certain sense of peace that comes with knowing that he doesn't have to been saddled with student loans when he graduates from college. Or knowing that he won't have to work full time so that he can focus on his education.
I also (selfishly) really like being able to sleep again. I wouldn't be able to do that with another newborn. And I remember how incredibly difficult it was for the first 6 months of his life. Yes, I loved him like crazy, but I couldn't and didn't adjust well. So again, I am at peace with being one and done.
And speaking of that, we were able to go out this weekend and buy him his new big boy bed. He is getting a full size bed, and we are so excited about redoing his room. OK, I am excited. Pat just goes along with it. I will be taking pictures soon.
Another part of my brain decluttering was physically decluttering. I got rid of almost all of Nathaniel's baby clothes, all the bottles, and a lot of the toys. I still have the high chair and the crib, and the crib will be harder for me to pass on to someone else. I am hoping to sell it. We're not ready to get rid of the changing table yet, but hopefully by Christmas.
I have also Have been shopping quite a bit lately. I really want to lose weight, but I've gone ahead and accpeted that my shape has changed and things aren't in the same place they used to be since having N.) The pants that I just bought are a size bigger than most of the pants I own. It makes me feel like shit, but it also makes me more comfortable. I accept myself (most days) and I am hoping that even though I went up a size, I can still be attractive and healthy.
Ah, yes, healthy. Granted, it's only 10:15 am, but I have followed Atkins all morning. Even when I didn't want to. I was so ready to stop at Burger King or McDonalds to grab breakfast this morning, but I didn't. I have to meal plan for the week, so I can go grocery shopping, because I really want to be successful. I will be more than happy to throw out or donate those new clothes if I can easily get back into my other clothes or even buy new clothes in a smaller size.
So, although there has been a lot going on, I am feeling optimistic about the future. I am hoping that this next school year can be successful for me and my students. I am hoping that my new clothes will instill a new sense of confidence in me. Because if I have confidence in how I look, then I will have confidence that I can succeed in other areas of my life.
First, my sister came to visit. I love when she comes to town. She stays here with us, and I take her to my mom's and shopping, etc. It's a good time, and Nathaniel loves to have comapny. However, this time was different. I got really sick... no, not of her but of the way we eat when we are together. I know my weaknesses and she knows hers. But there is something so almost disfunctional about us being together. We eat horribly. After only 2 days, I was so sick and felt like absolute garbage. I guess I came to Jesus again. I can't eat like that.
We enable each other. That needs to stop for both our sakes. I really hope that the next time she visits, I am a stronger person and can refuse the foods that she can only get here. (Especially since I had just gone to the doctor and I know better!)
Another thing that's been weighing on my mind has been my quest for another child. I have said it a million times before that if Nathaniel was the only child I ever have, then I am far more blessed than I ever deserved to be. I truly do believe that. I have come to terms with the fact that he will be my only child. I lvoe him, and I want him to have everything he needs. Right now, we can do that. I know (hope) that I meet all his emotional, physical, and mental needs. But if he's our only, I can meet his financial needs too.
It's not all about the money. I don't mean for it to sound like that. But there is a certain sense of peace that comes with knowing that he doesn't have to been saddled with student loans when he graduates from college. Or knowing that he won't have to work full time so that he can focus on his education.
I also (selfishly) really like being able to sleep again. I wouldn't be able to do that with another newborn. And I remember how incredibly difficult it was for the first 6 months of his life. Yes, I loved him like crazy, but I couldn't and didn't adjust well. So again, I am at peace with being one and done.
And speaking of that, we were able to go out this weekend and buy him his new big boy bed. He is getting a full size bed, and we are so excited about redoing his room. OK, I am excited. Pat just goes along with it. I will be taking pictures soon.
Another part of my brain decluttering was physically decluttering. I got rid of almost all of Nathaniel's baby clothes, all the bottles, and a lot of the toys. I still have the high chair and the crib, and the crib will be harder for me to pass on to someone else. I am hoping to sell it. We're not ready to get rid of the changing table yet, but hopefully by Christmas.
I have also Have been shopping quite a bit lately. I really want to lose weight, but I've gone ahead and accpeted that my shape has changed and things aren't in the same place they used to be since having N.) The pants that I just bought are a size bigger than most of the pants I own. It makes me feel like shit, but it also makes me more comfortable. I accept myself (most days) and I am hoping that even though I went up a size, I can still be attractive and healthy.
Ah, yes, healthy. Granted, it's only 10:15 am, but I have followed Atkins all morning. Even when I didn't want to. I was so ready to stop at Burger King or McDonalds to grab breakfast this morning, but I didn't. I have to meal plan for the week, so I can go grocery shopping, because I really want to be successful. I will be more than happy to throw out or donate those new clothes if I can easily get back into my other clothes or even buy new clothes in a smaller size.
So, although there has been a lot going on, I am feeling optimistic about the future. I am hoping that this next school year can be successful for me and my students. I am hoping that my new clothes will instill a new sense of confidence in me. Because if I have confidence in how I look, then I will have confidence that I can succeed in other areas of my life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)