So I have made a commitment to my online mom's group and will be doing the 30 day shred every day in September (except for the first. I didn't find the DVD until late afternoon.). I did it this morning. I thought I was going to die. At some points in the workout, I wanted to. It was 20 minutes of pure fucking hell.
But I did it!! I threw up twice, but I did it! I went to 7-11 afterwards and got a banana and a diet pepsi. I figured I had EARNED that pop. And to be honest, I threw up once I was in the shower. I can't quite describe how proud of myself I am. Not just for getting through it, but for doing it at all.
I woke up this morning around 7:30, which was so nice. No one was up yet. I figured that the kids would sleep until 8, and Pat won't wake up until the bomb goes off, so I was going to get up and get it done. You know, start the day off really shitty and then it gets better from there.
But that's not what happened. When I was in the bathroom, Veronica woke up and Pat went to go get her. As he did, Nathaniel woke up. Everyone was awake and my I-only-need-20-minutes-to-get-this-done was gone. I know me. There was no way I was going to exercise in front of Pat. (I think it's a fear that he will realize just how fat and unattractive I am and leave, although I know that won't happen.) But I hate it. I want the acknowledgement of pride from people, but I don't want them to see the ugly part. I brought back tons of teen years angst and a feeling of never being good enough. So I now had the perfect excuse to not do it. And I knew it!
Fate intervened and Pat went out to mow the lawn after breakfast. For a while, I sat on my ass watching tv (food network, ironically). But then I thought, he's outside, he won't know. So I put in the DVD. Nathaniel exercised with me for a while, which made me happy. He was having fun. He liked the butt kicks. He cracked himself up kicking his own butt. I love that he was excited.
So, later today, I am going to have Pat take some pictures of me as my before, God help me. October 1st, I will have him take some more, for after pics. I'm really looking forward to it. (And if I'm to tell the truth, mid October I will be going to my old school and seeing the teachers. I'd really love to be down some pounds by then. I want to know that I look great and I want to feel that I look great and I want them to acknowledge how good I am doing without them.)
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Monday, September 2, 2013
Monday, August 19, 2013
Oh, That Road to Hell
Well, it's Monday evening, and I said Monday morning. All those good intentions... But it was a rough night. Someone woke up at 3 am, wanting more snuggles (which I gladly give) but then wouldn't go back to sleep and kept getting up over and over and over until about 5:15 when he woke up his sister. And that was the start of my day. 3 am. So Veronica's sleep schedule was all fucked up (in fact, it's 5:30 pm and she's just now taking her second nap). Which means she ain't going to bed at 8. But dammit, I am.
Anyhow, let's start with today- Nathaniel's first day of preschool. Printed out a little sign that said "Today is my first day of preschool!!! August 19, 2012. I am 4 years old. My teacher is Ms. Melissa." It was so cute and I printed it out and told him that we were going to take pictures of him holding the sign. And then I realized. I typed 2012!!! Um, good morning! It's 2013. I should have just crawled back in bed at that point.
I managed to retype it and print it and get some really cute pictures. Then I took him and Veronica to Dunkin Donuts for munchkins for breakfast and then dropped him off. My eye was starting to kill me but since I was already out, I went to the grocery store. Still have to pick up the meat, but everything other than the meat cost just over $60 for the rest of August and all of September. I am really enjoying making my own stuff, but more on that later.
Get home and try to get V down for a nap. Not happening. Started laundry and then just sat down, exhausted. I pretty much was just beat by then and it was only 10 am. I finally got V down about 11 (she was fighting and overtired) and then called my sis to see how she was and before I knew it I had to leave to pick up Nathaniel. I get there, and wait in the line from hell. (I hope it was just because it was the first day and new parents didn't know what they were doing.) Finally I get him and ask him how his first day was.
"Kinda shitty. I had a string on my sock." was his response. What? I tried really hard not to laugh and asked him to tell me again how his day was.
He knew it was a word he shouldn't have said, so he changed it and said "Kinda chevy. Like the car." Boy oh boy, am I going to have my hands full with that kid!
So we went out for special lunch (chicken mcnuggets) and came home and have just been trying to get through the rest of the day. I have so much still going through my head. I want to tell you all about the many pinterest recipes I've made. I want to tell you about how I'm adjusting to being at home, and how I went through a patch of depression, and how I'm terrified now that the school year has started and I really am unemployed for the first time in 25 years. And how scared I am of not having health insurance and the fact that we can't afford it no matter what we do. And all the other things that float through my head about cleaning schedules, laundry schedules, making things from scratch and trying to justify it as healthier than store bought (which I'm sure it is, but I honestly think it's just filling a hole in my life), saving money and trying to save my sanity. And how I'm hoping and praying that I'm not just lazy.
But that will have to be another nap time. Because I need to get up and finish making dinner.
Anyhow, let's start with today- Nathaniel's first day of preschool. Printed out a little sign that said "Today is my first day of preschool!!! August 19, 2012. I am 4 years old. My teacher is Ms. Melissa." It was so cute and I printed it out and told him that we were going to take pictures of him holding the sign. And then I realized. I typed 2012!!! Um, good morning! It's 2013. I should have just crawled back in bed at that point.
I managed to retype it and print it and get some really cute pictures. Then I took him and Veronica to Dunkin Donuts for munchkins for breakfast and then dropped him off. My eye was starting to kill me but since I was already out, I went to the grocery store. Still have to pick up the meat, but everything other than the meat cost just over $60 for the rest of August and all of September. I am really enjoying making my own stuff, but more on that later.
Get home and try to get V down for a nap. Not happening. Started laundry and then just sat down, exhausted. I pretty much was just beat by then and it was only 10 am. I finally got V down about 11 (she was fighting and overtired) and then called my sis to see how she was and before I knew it I had to leave to pick up Nathaniel. I get there, and wait in the line from hell. (I hope it was just because it was the first day and new parents didn't know what they were doing.) Finally I get him and ask him how his first day was.
"Kinda shitty. I had a string on my sock." was his response. What? I tried really hard not to laugh and asked him to tell me again how his day was.
He knew it was a word he shouldn't have said, so he changed it and said "Kinda chevy. Like the car." Boy oh boy, am I going to have my hands full with that kid!
So we went out for special lunch (chicken mcnuggets) and came home and have just been trying to get through the rest of the day. I have so much still going through my head. I want to tell you all about the many pinterest recipes I've made. I want to tell you about how I'm adjusting to being at home, and how I went through a patch of depression, and how I'm terrified now that the school year has started and I really am unemployed for the first time in 25 years. And how scared I am of not having health insurance and the fact that we can't afford it no matter what we do. And all the other things that float through my head about cleaning schedules, laundry schedules, making things from scratch and trying to justify it as healthier than store bought (which I'm sure it is, but I honestly think it's just filling a hole in my life), saving money and trying to save my sanity. And how I'm hoping and praying that I'm not just lazy.
But that will have to be another nap time. Because I need to get up and finish making dinner.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
25 Hours From Now
I have about 25 hours left of my teaching career. I really can't wait to not be here or in any classroom for that matter. It's become really bad.
But even amongst the horror, there has always been some light. My colleauges. They are amazing people. They gave me flowers yesterday and a card. I knew I would cry when I read the card, so I waited until I got home to open it. Imagine my surprise when cash fell out. They had taken up a collection for me since I am leaving. They aer genuinely thoughtful people, and I think they are what's kept me going the last year. It surely hasn't been the students I had.
But I do have plans for next week, since both kids are going to day care. (I think after 19 years in education I deserve a week to myself, right?) I am going to spend one day doing some freezer cooking. I have about 18 recipes (and some of them are doubled) that can be assembled and then frozen to throw in the crock pot. I also intend to stock the pantry with a lot of non-perishables. I plan to spend close to $400.
Why? Becuase I'm terrified that my decision to leave and not have a job will mean that my kids will go hungry. If Pat and I don't eat dinner every night, we'll both be fine. (Perhaps even better off.) But I can't allow my kids to have that problem. And with them both eating table food now, and Nathaniel eating all three meals at home (he was having breakfast and lunch at school) I need to find ways to make sure they eat.
This summer, we'll be going to the farmer's market and stocking up on fruits- some to eat right away and some to freeze. Same with veggies. (Plus I found a "reduced to sell quick" section at one of the grocery stores last night that had great looking veggies for 50 cents a pound. That's a lot of green beans and zucchini! Bags of potatoes -that I can bake and freeze right away- for 99 cents.)
I think the fear of my kids going hungry is greater than the fear of being 39 with diabetes and no insurance. I should be able to pull out all of my retirement (minus the taxes and penalties, but you gotta do what you gotta do) and that should help us live for a while. Especially when we'll be saving over $1200 a month by not sending both kids to full time day care. Nathaniel will go to preschool 5 days a week, but it costs $360/month, as opposed to $220/week for day care for him and $180/week for Veronica. So that should help.
Pat keeps pushing me to apply for a teaching position in other districts, but I can't. I don't want to. I don't want to be near any children but my own for a looooong time. He just doesn't fucking get it. It hit me as to why when I was in the shower this morning. He's never held a job for 5 years, let alone 10. Nor has he been in the same industry for more than 5 years. I've been teaching for 19. That's got to be why he doesn't get it. And frankly, it pisses me the fuck off that he can quit his job and everything is supposed to be ok, but I quit mine and it's the end of the world. I secretly hate him for that.
But again, I digress. I've got my shopping lists made for next week and the kids' parties are planned. All I need to get for that is the food, which is really no big deal. And I have to print the invitations. I ordered everything from designers on Etsy this year, since it will be the first and only time they have separate themed parties. HIs is Mario Bros. and Veronica's is 1-der the Sea. OMG did her invites turn out cute!!! I serached for a long time befiore I settled on a design that I really liked. I hope to add pictures, but since it's still a month away, it will take some time.
So yeah, this turned out to not be about my 25 hours left, but about the hours, days, weeks and months afterwards. I am looking forward to the next chapter in my life. I just have to have faith that this was the right time and the right decision. Wish me luck!
But even amongst the horror, there has always been some light. My colleauges. They are amazing people. They gave me flowers yesterday and a card. I knew I would cry when I read the card, so I waited until I got home to open it. Imagine my surprise when cash fell out. They had taken up a collection for me since I am leaving. They aer genuinely thoughtful people, and I think they are what's kept me going the last year. It surely hasn't been the students I had.
But I do have plans for next week, since both kids are going to day care. (I think after 19 years in education I deserve a week to myself, right?) I am going to spend one day doing some freezer cooking. I have about 18 recipes (and some of them are doubled) that can be assembled and then frozen to throw in the crock pot. I also intend to stock the pantry with a lot of non-perishables. I plan to spend close to $400.
Why? Becuase I'm terrified that my decision to leave and not have a job will mean that my kids will go hungry. If Pat and I don't eat dinner every night, we'll both be fine. (Perhaps even better off.) But I can't allow my kids to have that problem. And with them both eating table food now, and Nathaniel eating all three meals at home (he was having breakfast and lunch at school) I need to find ways to make sure they eat.
This summer, we'll be going to the farmer's market and stocking up on fruits- some to eat right away and some to freeze. Same with veggies. (Plus I found a "reduced to sell quick" section at one of the grocery stores last night that had great looking veggies for 50 cents a pound. That's a lot of green beans and zucchini! Bags of potatoes -that I can bake and freeze right away- for 99 cents.)
I think the fear of my kids going hungry is greater than the fear of being 39 with diabetes and no insurance. I should be able to pull out all of my retirement (minus the taxes and penalties, but you gotta do what you gotta do) and that should help us live for a while. Especially when we'll be saving over $1200 a month by not sending both kids to full time day care. Nathaniel will go to preschool 5 days a week, but it costs $360/month, as opposed to $220/week for day care for him and $180/week for Veronica. So that should help.
Pat keeps pushing me to apply for a teaching position in other districts, but I can't. I don't want to. I don't want to be near any children but my own for a looooong time. He just doesn't fucking get it. It hit me as to why when I was in the shower this morning. He's never held a job for 5 years, let alone 10. Nor has he been in the same industry for more than 5 years. I've been teaching for 19. That's got to be why he doesn't get it. And frankly, it pisses me the fuck off that he can quit his job and everything is supposed to be ok, but I quit mine and it's the end of the world. I secretly hate him for that.
But again, I digress. I've got my shopping lists made for next week and the kids' parties are planned. All I need to get for that is the food, which is really no big deal. And I have to print the invitations. I ordered everything from designers on Etsy this year, since it will be the first and only time they have separate themed parties. HIs is Mario Bros. and Veronica's is 1-der the Sea. OMG did her invites turn out cute!!! I serached for a long time befiore I settled on a design that I really liked. I hope to add pictures, but since it's still a month away, it will take some time.
So yeah, this turned out to not be about my 25 hours left, but about the hours, days, weeks and months afterwards. I am looking forward to the next chapter in my life. I just have to have faith that this was the right time and the right decision. Wish me luck!
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Can We Just Skip to October?
I mean, it's already dropping into the low 50's at night. We've already done open house at work, and we're so over the whole Back-to-School thing. The leaves have started falling off the tree. And Survivor has started. (and I was so happy when I was watching it!!!!)
I think the further I get into the school year, the better it will go for me. I finally got some sleep Thuersday night, and what a difference it made for Friday. I'm sure the jeans and sweatshirt didn't hurt, either. Yay for dress down days!
I was also able to get out for a walk with Nathaniel today. It's amazing how much my mood has improved in the last 48 hours. I hope we're on an up-swing.
I think the further I get into the school year, the better it will go for me. I finally got some sleep Thuersday night, and what a difference it made for Friday. I'm sure the jeans and sweatshirt didn't hurt, either. Yay for dress down days!
I was also able to get out for a walk with Nathaniel today. It's amazing how much my mood has improved in the last 48 hours. I hope we're on an up-swing.
Monday, April 4, 2011
A Sense of Hope
Maybe it was the weather yesterday.
Maybe it was going to church and hearing about burning the negative thoughts to get rid of them. (paraphrasing- Nathaniel was being a toddler and I was focusing on both.)
Maybe it was knowing that my nearly perfect (on a good day) hubby wouldn't be able to come up with ten things he loves about himself.
Maybe it was seeing a friend who is deliriously happy and obviously so in love with her hubby.
I feel a new sense of hope today. I looked in the mirror after finishing my make up (only 3 more days, but I am getting used to it so I may continue) and thought, "Wow, I look pretty." I ate a full bar for breakfast this morning (since that maxes out the carbs for me per meal) and just finished another one before I eat my lunch- which is a salad by the way. It's gloomy as heck outside right now, but I still feel positive.
I still think I will reschedule my doctor's appointment for May, so that when I know I will need a break I can take one. Why waste a day of Spring Break on that? OK, and honestly, so I can get my A1c a little lower and lose a few pounds. Wouldn't that be awesome?
Maybe it was going to church and hearing about burning the negative thoughts to get rid of them. (paraphrasing- Nathaniel was being a toddler and I was focusing on both.)
Maybe it was knowing that my nearly perfect (on a good day) hubby wouldn't be able to come up with ten things he loves about himself.
Maybe it was seeing a friend who is deliriously happy and obviously so in love with her hubby.
I feel a new sense of hope today. I looked in the mirror after finishing my make up (only 3 more days, but I am getting used to it so I may continue) and thought, "Wow, I look pretty." I ate a full bar for breakfast this morning (since that maxes out the carbs for me per meal) and just finished another one before I eat my lunch- which is a salad by the way. It's gloomy as heck outside right now, but I still feel positive.
I still think I will reschedule my doctor's appointment for May, so that when I know I will need a break I can take one. Why waste a day of Spring Break on that? OK, and honestly, so I can get my A1c a little lower and lose a few pounds. Wouldn't that be awesome?
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