Life is Starting Over

I went to the doctor two weeks ago for a regular check up. I had to do some blood work, which was no surprise. What was surprising was the results. I have really high cholesterol. I'm now taking medication for it and eating foods that I should have been eating all along. (I'll go into that later.) But when the nurse called me, she gave me some wrong information. The number she gave me for my cholesterol was so high that I would be dead in 5 years. Before my sweet girl is in second grade, I would be dead. Before my wonderful boy would be in 5th grade, they would put me in the ground.

So I am taking steps to make sure that doesn't happen. And I really have been eating healthier. I usually have a green smoothie for breakfast. It has fruit, oatmeal, almonds, flax, and spinach. I make it with almond milk. It has no cholesterol in it and it's packed with nutrients. And they taste really good.

Lunches have been salads with chicken, but the sauce I love to use on my chicken has a bit too much sodium for my own good. I compensate with water, but I know that I can do better.

Dinner is easy. I start off with a big ass salad, then move to my proteins and veggies, and if I am still hungry, a little bit of carbs.

So for two weeks, I have been trying to change my life, one meal at a time. And the crazy thing is I think I'm doing it! I had a double cheeseburger last weekend, as we agreed that we'd have one splurge day a week. It made me sick. I had a Valentine's day date with Nathaniel and I ate a chocolate cupcake. I ain't gonna lie- that shit was good going down. But I felt so sick after eating it that I don't want any again. I haven't had any bacon, but I have had cheese. But I don't eat nearly as much as I used to. I am making huge progress with my eating. Now I just have to get off my ass.

I want to get an elliptical and put it in the basement. I can go down there and get some alone time and some exercise. Big bonus with that alone time. Just put the ipod on and go. Or, since there's a tv and dvd player, throw in a movie and start. I know that I can do it. I really have no choice left. You want to hear something really crazy? I am loving this healthy food. I have never felt better, although part of that could be the anti-depressant I'm taking. I've even managed to not start my day with a pepsi.

But honestly, the best part of this whole thing is that my kids are eating better. Fruit with every meal, and every color of the rainbow. They're still picky about veggies, but I try not to worry too much because of the fruit.

Now on to my next challenge- 15 weeks from tomorrow is June 1st. For the next 15 weeks I am focusing wholly on my self and my health. I will not be weighing myself for those 15 weeks (which will be a damn hard habit to break), and instead focus on how I am feeling and how my clothes (don't) fit. I look forward to sharing this challenge with others, and I won't be alone doing it, which helps. My sister will be doing it with me. In 6 weeks, I go back for a repeat cholesterol test. By then I want to rock that test. This challenge will really help me with that.

Long Time Coming

Deep Breath. Deep Breath. Deep Breath. I can get through this entry without going crazy, crying, or getting angry. Deep Breath. Deep Breath. Deep Breath.

Where to even start? Since my last entry, I have found life to be increasingly difficult to manage. It has not been easy having my sister and nephew here with us. Some days are ok, but most I just trudge through. I have to admit, I hate having them here. I wish they were gone. I just want my old life back. And of course saying that makes me feel like crap and fills me with guilt.

But I am so tired of being the one that people just assume is going to take care of everyone else. When Jess left, she left on a Wednesday. My mom went out of town that weekend, and never even considered staying home to make sure her youngest child (and a grandchild) would be alright. Never even considered it. I can guess why. One, because my nephew would break stuff at their house (I know this for a fact since it's happened here many times over) and two, because Joi will take care of everything. Because I have no choice in the matter.

Shit gets dumped on me all the time. Mom needs and appetizer for a party so she calls me. Jess needs a ride to court, they call me. Someone needs money, they call me. Where the fuck am I supposed to get any money? I am UNEMPLOYED!!!!

I had adjusted fairly well to being home. Until my life got flipped again by the extras. We had an agreement that she would do the dishes. Why do I have to keep reminding her to do them? She's 36 fucking years old!!!! I have to suggest that she takes a shower or bathe her kid. We'll never use the sheets that she's been using for the past three months, because they've only been washed once. Why should I have to fucking tell her. The washer and dryer are across the hall from the room they use (which stinks, by the way) and I only use it 4 days a week. That leaves 3 das for her to do her laundry, Larry's laundry, and their sheets and towels.

And the kid himself drives me up a fucking wall. He never listens, runs through the house, painted on Nathaniel's easel, has broken numerous toys, and lies, screams, and whines like there's no tomorrow. (Jess used to blame it on visiting his dad for the weekend, but he hasn't gone for three weeks and the kids is still an asshole. What's your excuse now?) I have no patience for it.

I'm hoping that things will get better soon. December simply sucked, and I love December. Christmas is my favorite day of the year. I plan activities for the entire Advent season. I work my tail off to make it incredible for my kids. I leave the decorations up until MLK day.

Not this year. I did the Advent calendar, and we did most of the activities I had planned, but I found no joy in them. No magic. I took down the decorations and ditched the tree on the 27th. I just wanted it all to go away. I felt hopeless, helpless, and lost. So I talked with Pat. That was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Admitting that something was out of control. He said that I should call my doctor, so I did, once I had insurance again, which was Jan. 1.

They couldn't see me until the end of the month. (I'm still waiting to see her, actually.) in the mean time, I confessed how miserable I've been to the ladies on my birth month club. They suggested a few places to call and to see a counselor or doctor. I've always felt like I've had depression, as is evidenced by many posts here and my past journal collection. So I called the one doctor that I could find that would accept my insurance. They had an opening Feb. 14th.

I just broke down and cried. I knew I needed help, as I felt like I could snap and hurt someone and I had said in front of my kids that it would be better if I just stuck a gun in my mouth and pulled the trigger. Fortunately, they had a cancellation and I was able to go about a week ago.

After speaking with the doctor and describing all the other things that were going on, she diagnosed me with anxiety and depression. I am now medicated for it. I just started my second week of meds, and I will be starting counseling around the end of February. I am hoping that the meds will work, but I don't have the positive attitude about that as I did last week. I just want to feel better, and I think a large part of that is losing two extra people who suck up what little patience I have.

so that's where we are. And to show just how much people think that I can handle everything without support, when I told my mom I was taking an anti-depressant, she simply said "I know what it is." (I had told her the name of the drug, and that it was an anti-D.) No how long has this been going on? no is there anything we can do? nothing. Just and "Oh" and "I know what it is."

Thanks for nothing mom.

Crazy Life...

SO, life got super crazy about three weeks ago. My younger sister grabbed her stuff, picked up my nephew from school, and ran from her abusive boyfriend. They are now living with us, and my nephew is going to school here. Adding two people to our house has been quite an adjustment, to say the least. Veronica has been having huge separation issues since they came, and Nathaniel has been acting out at home. (Not at school though, thankfully!) But I think things are finally settling down. Going back to school has helped my nephew calm down and has definitely helped my kids. Life is normal for them between 8:15 and 3:30.

My sister goes to court on Wednesday (3 days) to have the restraining order made permanent. She has already filed paperwork to get full custody. Eventually, she plans to move to Colorado with my older sister. That would be a great place for both of them.

But for now, they're both safe and well fed and what seems to be happy. I'm glad that I was in a position to be able to help. I shudder to think about what would have happened if I hadn't been here. After watching her call shelter after shelter and get turned down because they had no space... all those women who had to run away. It makes me sick that we as a society need the shelters for women, but the fact that they have to turn people away is just horrendous.

And now on to other things... I have officially applied for my retirement money. Sadly, it takes about 6 weeks for them to process it. That puts it right at 10 days before Christmas it should arrive. I am hoping to get it sooner. We are just broke. I don't know how to make any more ends meet. Foodwise we're ok. I went shopping for the month. And my sister has a link card, so if we need things later in the month, we'll be ok. But paying the bills is completely different, and Pat is starting a new job next week, so I have no idea when he'll be getting a paycheck.

And on the 101 things front, I have completed a few more. I have lost 50 pounds, which is fucking amazing!!!!! Some of it was baby weight, but after I gave birth to Veronica, I still had 30 pounds of the 55 I had gained with her stuck to me like glue. (So I lost 20 when she was born.) but I have lost 30 of those pounds now. I have to look up my list and see what else I have accomplished. Time is running out.

It's October?!?!?!?!

Time sure seems to be flying by. I'm hoping that October will go fast too. No, it's not to get to Christmas faster, or even Thanksgiving. It's that I can finally apply for my retirement money to be sent to me. We so desperately need that money. October is going to be a very slim month for us.

I went grocery shopping, and thanks to my chicken binge in July, I only spent $160 for the month. Of course, this doesn't include milk, which we go through like nothing (about 2 1/2 to 3 gallons a week) and sandwich bread. We'll be eating a lot of PB+J this month. With the homemade jelly. Thankfully, both kids like them.

But, as of right now, we are dead broke. I paid the mortgage and Nathaniel's tuition for school. Next week, I'll pay the bike and the car, and, God willing, the phone bill. That just leaves 8 credit cards, electric, gas, water, internet/cable, car insurance, saving for next month's mortgage payment, etc. etc. etc. There's no money for that. How many people know that feeling? I am grateful for all we have. We have food to eat. We have a warm place to lay our heads. We have transportation. So many other people don't. I know this, so why does our situation make me want to cry?

I feel like I'm so selfish for quitting. But I honestly couldn't do it anymore. I hated going to work. I couldn't stand the students in my class. I still know I made the right choice, and I enjoy being home with the kids, I just wish I had a paycheck.

So our plans for my retirement funds are to pay off all our debt (or as much as we can). Obviously, it won't be the mortgage, but maybe a few of the credit cards could be done. Ugh, I just want to lift the pressure.

I've found though, that in the process of saving money, I am a pretty good baker. I love baking and cooking from scratch. It makes me feel productive. Like I've really done something to benefit my family. I do still need to get more flour, sugar, and butter from the store, because it seems like I go through a lot of that. Damn pinterest, giving me so many ideas I want to try! It reminds me of that old Twilight Zone episode when the man just wanted to read books. He was in the bank vault on his lunch break when the world ended, and since he was the only survivor he finally could read all he wanted. The only problem was that he tripped and broke his glasses, so he couldn't read any more. I have the same problem. I want to make all these different things for my family, but I don't have the means to get the necessary ingredients.

It could be worse, I guess. And speaking of worse, Veronica, at age 15 months, isn't talking much. I have to take her for a hearing evaluation at the end of the month. I'm sure she hears fine, but I can't help but worry. I mean, who wouldn't? If that turns out ok, then we have a speech evaluation. From there we go to therapy, if necessary. She also had a raging ear infection. She never had a fever, no pulling on it, no laying on the side, nothing. I have no idea how long she had it, but she's on antibiotics for it. I pray that when it clears up, she starts talking some more. Doc said it might be enough to muffle sounds, making it harder for her to talk. But I'm still a wreck.

Day One... I'm dead

So I have made a commitment to my online mom's group and will be doing the 30 day shred every day in September (except for the first. I didn't find the DVD until late afternoon.). I did it this morning. I thought I was going to die. At some points in the workout, I wanted to. It was 20 minutes of pure fucking hell.

But I did it!! I threw up twice, but I did it! I went to 7-11 afterwards and got a banana and a diet pepsi. I figured I had EARNED that pop. And to be honest, I threw up once I was in the shower. I can't quite describe how proud of myself I am. Not just for getting through it, but for doing it at all.

I woke up this morning around 7:30, which was so nice. No one was up yet. I figured that the kids would sleep until 8, and Pat won't wake up until the bomb goes off, so I was going to get up and get it done. You know, start the day off really shitty and then it gets better from there.

But that's not what happened. When I was in the bathroom, Veronica woke up and Pat went to go get her. As he did, Nathaniel woke up. Everyone was awake and my I-only-need-20-minutes-to-get-this-done was gone. I know me. There was no way I was going to exercise in front of Pat. (I think it's a fear that he will realize just how fat and unattractive I am and leave, although I know that won't happen.) But I hate it. I want the acknowledgement of pride from people, but I don't want them to see the ugly part. I brought back tons of teen years angst and a feeling of never being good enough. So I now had the perfect excuse to not do it. And I knew it!

Fate intervened and Pat went out to mow the lawn after breakfast. For a while, I sat on my ass watching tv (food network, ironically). But then I thought, he's outside, he won't know. So I put in the DVD. Nathaniel exercised with me for a while, which made me happy. He was having fun. He liked the butt kicks. He cracked himself up kicking his own butt. I love that he was excited.

So, later today, I am going to have Pat take some pictures of me as my before, God help me. October 1st, I will have him take some more, for after pics. I'm really looking forward to it. (And if I'm to tell the truth, mid October I will be going to my old school and seeing the teachers. I'd really love to be down some pounds by then. I want to know that I look great and I want to feel that I look great and I want them to acknowledge how good I am doing without them.)

So simple, but...

It's such a simple concept. but so very hard to master. Portion control.

But I'm getting there.

Now, it's not for lack of trying before, When I tried before it always ended in failure. I was hungry. And then I got mean. And then I got ugly. But there was always more food so it didn't matter. I could go have more.

And I did. Always. After filling my plate and gulping down my food, I wanted more. Didn't matter that my stomach was already over full and I was bloated. Didn't matter that I physically hurt from eating more. There was more food available and I wanted it. First world problem if ever, right?

And then I grew up and became a mom. I swore that I would take care of myself, for the sake of my kids. But there was still food available. And I wanted it. It didn't matter to me that I am diabetic. That my clothes didn't fit. That my kids would probably get made fun of because their mom is so fat. That I was slowly committing suicide by food. It was there and I wanted it.

And then I left my job, and stopped collecting a paycheck. Suddenly, a scary thought came to me. What if there isn't always more food? And even worse, what if there wasn't enough to feed my kids?

And portion controlling is becoming my way of life. I'm not sad about this. I'm actually happy. I make a lot of casseroles now. But there's so much in a pan. Old me would've left it on the table and picked at it all night long, consuming at least 3 servings, if not more. Now, I put some on my plate, serve the kids their dinner, and either put some on a plate for Pat (for later) or let him get his. When everyone is done eating (including seconds, I put way less on my plate now) I pack it up. It does not sit on the table.

Tonight, for example, was chicken spaghetti (from pinterest. It was only ok.) We ate about a third of the dish. The rest has already been packed into a dollar store tin with a lid and is cooling off before it goes into the freezer. So for the price of one dinner, we have two. I've done this with several casseroles and recipes I've made the past few weeks. It's something I am actually proud of.

So why am I telling you about this? Because in the last week I have lost 6 pounds. Now, when you have to lose a entire person, 6 pounds may seem like nothing. But to me, it's a pretty big fucking deal. I intend to make the most of this. It makes me want to do more. I am going to try to exercise now too. I wish I could just ride my bike, but without a trailer I can't. (What would I do with the kids?) I know that sounds like an excuse, but it's not. It's fact. But I'm going to try.

Because soon I want to type that I've lost 60 pounds, not just 6. It may take a while, but dammit, I've lost 6 pounds!

Learning

So, here we are. School started a week ago and I am not there. And I do not miss it. At. All. I enjoy being home with Veronica while Nathaniel is at school for a few hours a day. He is learning and I am learning. (And I hope Veronica is learning too!)

Today, for example, I am learning how to reuse scraps of food. We had carrots last night, and I've used onions this past week, so today I am making chicken stock. I also had some celery ends from when I ate celery over the weekend. All those go into a pot with two bone in chicken breasts and fill with water. Boil for a while and strain once through a colander and then a second time through cheese cloth. I freeze them in one cup bags so that when I need a cup of chicken broth, it's there. No chemicals, no msg, no preservatives, and no salt. But tons of flavor!!

I am also learning how to make jam and freeze veggies. I have been shopping the reduced for quick sale shelves lately. Am I embarrassed to admit that? Yes. Is that reality right now? Yes. (So I guess I'm learning humility too.) Anyway, last week I got 6 green peppers for $2, when they are usually $1 each. There was nothing wrong with them, they were just getting a smidge soft. I bought them, took them home and cut them into strips and put them in the freezer. I used some a few days ago in our oven baked fajitas (recipe on and they were delicious.

I have similar plans for carrots. I can get a two pound bag for a dollar, and carrots are the kids' favorite vegetable right now. Clean them and peel them, cut into coins and blanch. Drop into an ice bath and then package for freezing (keeping the ends for more stock, of course).

So I'm learning to live within my means. And for me, that means a lot of cutting back. I'd like to cancel our cable, which could save us some more money, and probably help me to play with my kids more. Maybe we'll revisit that when I clear up my minor health problems (eye scratches, conjunctivitis, and some other issues- it's been a brutal two weeks!!!) Speaking of which, I should probably go put my eye drops in. I've been on antibiotic drops for 3 days now for the left eye, after having done a week for the right. I said it had been rough!

But stay tuned to see what else I am learning how to do. Sometime this week, I am going to attempt to make English Muffins from scratch as well as from scratch biscuits that are similar to the kind that come from a can. (They can be frozen too, and baked from frozen.)