I heard "Say What You Need to Say" when I was getting breakfast with Nathaniel this morning, and just lost it. I was crying in the middle of Great American Bagel. I'm sure I looked like a lunatic, but I really didn't care. That song just hurts so much.
I know that if I had given birth to that child, I wouldn't have my wonderful Nathaniel. But hearing it now, so close to what would have been my surgery date for a second C-section, just killed me today. (The surgery would have been in the next week and a half.)
So, as I was crying (and it was harder out in the parking lot) I asked my sweet angel for a hug and kiss. He gave it to me and said "Make you happy?" Of course he did. I know in my head and in my heart and in every part of my being that Nathaniel was the child I was meant to have. But sometimes that hurt is still there. Hearing that song ripped the scab off, and made me cry.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Monday, October 10, 2011
Gratitude
You know, every once in a while, I look at my life and just thank God for all that I have.
My family is healthy. Yes, Nathaniel had the flu last Thursday, and I got it Friday night, and Pat is currently in bed with it now, but none of us has had to go to the hospital. None of us have anything majorly wrong with us. (diabetes aside)
We have enough food to eat. Maybe we're not eating steak every night, or going out to eat three times a week like we used to, but we're not going to starve. We know there will always be a meal on our table. There are many people who don't have that security.
We can pay our bills. Yes, taxes suck ass, and insurance bills are high, but I know that we can pay them. We have a small amount of money in our savings, and it will be enough. Next year, when we get our tax refund, we can put that money back in savings and up what we pay to our escrow. Lesson learned the hard way. We may not have all the things that our friends have, and our house may not be as big as some, but I don't want to pay to heat or cool a house that big. (And no, BFF, I am not referring to your house.) And maybe I can't get myself or my family a ton of "stuff" for Christmas, but there are presents in the garage and Pat's closet. But, my house is full of love.
I have enough time for what's important. My house is a mess, and I feel like I have no time to ever get it clean, but I know that Nathaniel knows I love him. He knows that when he asks "Mommy, come to the kitchen wif me" (yes, wif) to play with his magnet letters and numbers, I will be on the dirty floor right next to him. I think about all the stuff I wanted to get done on the day I stayed home with Nathaniel when he was sick, but I gladly spent 4 hours with him lying in my arms since he was comfortable (and not puking).
I have a husband who loves me. I cannot express how wonderful that one thing is. To have someone in the world that knows all about me, has seen me at my best and worst, has seen me naked and still loves me anyway is just incredible. TMI ALERT I mean, the guy once wiped my butt for me because I couldn't turn around. (It was right after I had the C-section.)
I know that our realationship is a two way street. I know that Pat would do anything for me, just as he knows I would do the same for him. For example, today, although I had a whopping 3 hours of sleep last night, I picked up Pat because he was too sick to drive back to the garage to drop off his truck. It was right in the middle of naptime, and I was asleep. Did I hesitate? Nope. He needed me and I was there for him. (So glad Nathaniel and I didn't go to the zoo!!!)
I have some very good friends that will never fall by the wayside. I don't know where I would be without my best friend, and I hope that she feels the same. She knows my deepest issues and I know hers. I can't even explain how valueable she is. She is my sounding board, and I am hers. Even though we live far apart and are at two different points in our lives, we can still relate. I worry that the things I confide in her about hurt her, since some of those things are things she wants, but she always assures me that is not the case. I hope that some day (soon!) she gets her heart's desire.
Indeed, I have a lot to be grateful for.
My family is healthy. Yes, Nathaniel had the flu last Thursday, and I got it Friday night, and Pat is currently in bed with it now, but none of us has had to go to the hospital. None of us have anything majorly wrong with us. (diabetes aside)
We have enough food to eat. Maybe we're not eating steak every night, or going out to eat three times a week like we used to, but we're not going to starve. We know there will always be a meal on our table. There are many people who don't have that security.
We can pay our bills. Yes, taxes suck ass, and insurance bills are high, but I know that we can pay them. We have a small amount of money in our savings, and it will be enough. Next year, when we get our tax refund, we can put that money back in savings and up what we pay to our escrow. Lesson learned the hard way. We may not have all the things that our friends have, and our house may not be as big as some, but I don't want to pay to heat or cool a house that big. (And no, BFF, I am not referring to your house.) And maybe I can't get myself or my family a ton of "stuff" for Christmas, but there are presents in the garage and Pat's closet. But, my house is full of love.
I have enough time for what's important. My house is a mess, and I feel like I have no time to ever get it clean, but I know that Nathaniel knows I love him. He knows that when he asks "Mommy, come to the kitchen wif me" (yes, wif) to play with his magnet letters and numbers, I will be on the dirty floor right next to him. I think about all the stuff I wanted to get done on the day I stayed home with Nathaniel when he was sick, but I gladly spent 4 hours with him lying in my arms since he was comfortable (and not puking).
I have a husband who loves me. I cannot express how wonderful that one thing is. To have someone in the world that knows all about me, has seen me at my best and worst, has seen me naked and still loves me anyway is just incredible. TMI ALERT I mean, the guy once wiped my butt for me because I couldn't turn around. (It was right after I had the C-section.)
I know that our realationship is a two way street. I know that Pat would do anything for me, just as he knows I would do the same for him. For example, today, although I had a whopping 3 hours of sleep last night, I picked up Pat because he was too sick to drive back to the garage to drop off his truck. It was right in the middle of naptime, and I was asleep. Did I hesitate? Nope. He needed me and I was there for him. (So glad Nathaniel and I didn't go to the zoo!!!)
I have some very good friends that will never fall by the wayside. I don't know where I would be without my best friend, and I hope that she feels the same. She knows my deepest issues and I know hers. I can't even explain how valueable she is. She is my sounding board, and I am hers. Even though we live far apart and are at two different points in our lives, we can still relate. I worry that the things I confide in her about hurt her, since some of those things are things she wants, but she always assures me that is not the case. I hope that some day (soon!) she gets her heart's desire.
Indeed, I have a lot to be grateful for.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Eye Doc, Bills, and "Hookey"
I went to the eye doctor yesterday. For the past few days, there has been an irritant in my left eye. I was afraid that it was a shard of glass from when my vase broke on Sunday. Fortunately, he didn't see anything in my eye. However, my body is reacting to something, sending white blood cells to my eye, forming little white bumps under my eyelid. So I have antibiotics for the next week, as well as warm compresses for the next five days or so.
Immediately after the first dose of antibiotics, my eye started feeling better. Thank God for that, but I can't wear my contacts for a week, which blows. We were planning to go away this weekend to Starved Rock. How am I going to spend an entire weekend outside without sunglasses?? Well, the mail took care of that worry.
After getting home from the doctor, (an unexpected $50 spent- when you include my lunch at Panda Express since I had to wait for my prescription) I got the mail. In the mail was the gas bill, the cable bill, the water bill, a red light ticket for Pat, and the tax bill. Now we can afford to pay all these bills, but there goes our vacation. I am most afraid of the tax bill. We don't have enough in our escrow to cover that. We are short about $600. How does the second installment of taxes double from the first installment? It's the 2010 bill, not even this year! I have no idea how this will impact our mortgage payments. That really worries me.
It's not like we went out and found a house that was way overpriced and that we knew we coulnd't afford. We knew exactly what we could afford and that's what we bought. So why do I have the feeling that we are in financial dire straits? Plus, when Pat figures this out (or if I tell him why I am so freaked) there is no way he will agree to have another child... or even try.
I really, really want that. Even if we don't have another baby, I want to try until the end of this year. That way, I can say I did everything I could to have another one.
I accept what is, but I can't help but worry about it anyway. Is there anything that I can do to change what is? No. Will worrying about it take it away? No.
After this weekend, some of my other stressors will be gone. I am staying home today (to rest my eye, hence the hookey) and I am hoping to get my Spanish final done as well as the rest of the thank you notes from Pat's dads funeral. Get that monkey off my back once and for all. I also want to go shopping for groceries for next week, since I took the money out of the bank this morning. I know that I'll spend it on other stuff if it stays in my wallet. I also have to get a few birthday cards and an anniversary card.
I have nothing to give to Pat for our anniversary, and that makes me feel like crap. He doesn't understnad why it bothers me so much. I know that I provide him with dinner every night, and he has clean clothes and a place to lay his head every night. But I would do that for him anyway. How do I show him that I really and truly do love him? I know that the actions of the other 364 days show him that, but our anniversary is such a special day to me. I'm sure I'll come up with something. Maybe just bake another apple pie.
Immediately after the first dose of antibiotics, my eye started feeling better. Thank God for that, but I can't wear my contacts for a week, which blows. We were planning to go away this weekend to Starved Rock. How am I going to spend an entire weekend outside without sunglasses?? Well, the mail took care of that worry.
After getting home from the doctor, (an unexpected $50 spent- when you include my lunch at Panda Express since I had to wait for my prescription) I got the mail. In the mail was the gas bill, the cable bill, the water bill, a red light ticket for Pat, and the tax bill. Now we can afford to pay all these bills, but there goes our vacation. I am most afraid of the tax bill. We don't have enough in our escrow to cover that. We are short about $600. How does the second installment of taxes double from the first installment? It's the 2010 bill, not even this year! I have no idea how this will impact our mortgage payments. That really worries me.
It's not like we went out and found a house that was way overpriced and that we knew we coulnd't afford. We knew exactly what we could afford and that's what we bought. So why do I have the feeling that we are in financial dire straits? Plus, when Pat figures this out (or if I tell him why I am so freaked) there is no way he will agree to have another child... or even try.
I really, really want that. Even if we don't have another baby, I want to try until the end of this year. That way, I can say I did everything I could to have another one.
I accept what is, but I can't help but worry about it anyway. Is there anything that I can do to change what is? No. Will worrying about it take it away? No.
After this weekend, some of my other stressors will be gone. I am staying home today (to rest my eye, hence the hookey) and I am hoping to get my Spanish final done as well as the rest of the thank you notes from Pat's dads funeral. Get that monkey off my back once and for all. I also want to go shopping for groceries for next week, since I took the money out of the bank this morning. I know that I'll spend it on other stuff if it stays in my wallet. I also have to get a few birthday cards and an anniversary card.
I have nothing to give to Pat for our anniversary, and that makes me feel like crap. He doesn't understnad why it bothers me so much. I know that I provide him with dinner every night, and he has clean clothes and a place to lay his head every night. But I would do that for him anyway. How do I show him that I really and truly do love him? I know that the actions of the other 364 days show him that, but our anniversary is such a special day to me. I'm sure I'll come up with something. Maybe just bake another apple pie.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Super Mom I'm Not
I love my mom to death, but man she makes me feel so incompetent. She comes over to baby sit, and in the 2 hours she has Nathaniel, she has time to play with him, do the dishes, and clean off my kitchen counter.
I am with him every afternoon, and all we ever get to do it play and make a bigger mess. I never feel like I get a chance to clean up the house. I don't regret the time spent playing with Nathaniel, but I get so backed up with everything else. By the time he goes to bed, I am purely exhausted. I end up falling asleep myself, usually around 8:30. What kind of life is that?
I also have a facebook friend who makes me feel like super sloth. She has a 2 year old daughter, just a few weeks younger than Nathaniel, but she gets some much done during the day. I am just in awe of her, too. She's a stay at home mom, but I know how crazy that can be, so it's not like she's got tons of time to get everything done herself, but always manages to do it. Mom too.
I know I can't keep comparing myself to everyone else. (Especially since the FB friend is in her early 20's, as was my mom when she had all her kids, and I am in my -gulp- mid to late 30's.)
I did manage to get some stuff done today. I took the two leaves out of the table and turned it back into a table for 4. I vacuumed the living room and dining room, did a load of dishes, baked a pie, went grocery shopping for all of next week, got some Christmas shopping done, took out the garbage, sorted the recycling and cleaned the kitchen counter.
I guess when I look back on this time of my life, I will say that I spent it the right way... with Nathaniel, developing our relationship and fostering his love for reading and education. (OK, it's my hope.) I know that I'll never regret spending the time with him instead of cleaning, I just wish I could be a super mom like so many others seem to be.
I am with him every afternoon, and all we ever get to do it play and make a bigger mess. I never feel like I get a chance to clean up the house. I don't regret the time spent playing with Nathaniel, but I get so backed up with everything else. By the time he goes to bed, I am purely exhausted. I end up falling asleep myself, usually around 8:30. What kind of life is that?
I also have a facebook friend who makes me feel like super sloth. She has a 2 year old daughter, just a few weeks younger than Nathaniel, but she gets some much done during the day. I am just in awe of her, too. She's a stay at home mom, but I know how crazy that can be, so it's not like she's got tons of time to get everything done herself, but always manages to do it. Mom too.
I know I can't keep comparing myself to everyone else. (Especially since the FB friend is in her early 20's, as was my mom when she had all her kids, and I am in my -gulp- mid to late 30's.)
I did manage to get some stuff done today. I took the two leaves out of the table and turned it back into a table for 4. I vacuumed the living room and dining room, did a load of dishes, baked a pie, went grocery shopping for all of next week, got some Christmas shopping done, took out the garbage, sorted the recycling and cleaned the kitchen counter.
I guess when I look back on this time of my life, I will say that I spent it the right way... with Nathaniel, developing our relationship and fostering his love for reading and education. (OK, it's my hope.) I know that I'll never regret spending the time with him instead of cleaning, I just wish I could be a super mom like so many others seem to be.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Feeling Down
Today was Nathaniel's last day with the babysitter who he has been with since he was 12 weeks old. I am really sad about that. We really loved her, we just didn't want him to get hurt by the other little girl there anymore.
So I picked him up today, and we were all crying. Then she tells me that she's never had anyone leave her daycae unhappy. That made me feel like shit. It's not that we are unhappy, we just want what's best for Nathaniel. I am truly happy with the decision we made to send him to school. I never intended to hurt her (the babysitter) or anyone else for that matter, but I have to take care of my son.
I was crying so hard when I was there, picking him up. I kept telling myself that it would all be over soon, and that I would get through it and I did. But why do I feel so terrible then? I know that right after we left she went into the kitchen and cried, so that the other kids wouldn't see her.
If we were to ever have another child (ha ha) then I would not hesitate to have her care for that one too. I already recommended her to a colleague who is getting married next week, telling her that when she and her hubs to be are ready, the babysitter is great. I am hoping that I don't feel sad much longer. Nathaniel's teachers at school love him so much too, and he does get a lot of attention there. One of his teachers told me he was her favorite, and made no attempt to hide it.
I know it will all work out in the end, I just want to feel like the right decision was made.
So I picked him up today, and we were all crying. Then she tells me that she's never had anyone leave her daycae unhappy. That made me feel like shit. It's not that we are unhappy, we just want what's best for Nathaniel. I am truly happy with the decision we made to send him to school. I never intended to hurt her (the babysitter) or anyone else for that matter, but I have to take care of my son.
I was crying so hard when I was there, picking him up. I kept telling myself that it would all be over soon, and that I would get through it and I did. But why do I feel so terrible then? I know that right after we left she went into the kitchen and cried, so that the other kids wouldn't see her.
If we were to ever have another child (ha ha) then I would not hesitate to have her care for that one too. I already recommended her to a colleague who is getting married next week, telling her that when she and her hubs to be are ready, the babysitter is great. I am hoping that I don't feel sad much longer. Nathaniel's teachers at school love him so much too, and he does get a lot of attention there. One of his teachers told me he was her favorite, and made no attempt to hide it.
I know it will all work out in the end, I just want to feel like the right decision was made.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Nothing
I really have nothing to write about, but I feel like I should have tons to get out. I am feeling a little down in the dumps right now, after having such a good day. I don't know what's going on in my head. I am feeling so overwhelemed with all the stuff I want to/need to do, with the result that I am not doing anything!
I haven't finished the thank you cards for Pat, I have tons of work to do for school, my house is a huge mess, and I have to take my final for my spanish class. I am nowhere near ready for that. If readiness were a state, it would be Alaska and I'd be in Florida with the old people! (Hey, it's thundering outside!)
See, no focus whatsoever. I should've started a load of laundry tonight. But I didn't. I will start the laundry whenever I get up tomorrow (which will be early, since Pat needs to get up). It's my goal for tomorrow. I would also love to vacuum the living room and take the leaves out of the dining room table. Such lofty goals, huh?
Anyway, hopefully in another week, my life will return to normal and I can move on with everything else. And by that, I mean to make a schedule and follow it, plus a more realistic cleaning plan.
I haven't finished the thank you cards for Pat, I have tons of work to do for school, my house is a huge mess, and I have to take my final for my spanish class. I am nowhere near ready for that. If readiness were a state, it would be Alaska and I'd be in Florida with the old people! (Hey, it's thundering outside!)
See, no focus whatsoever. I should've started a load of laundry tonight. But I didn't. I will start the laundry whenever I get up tomorrow (which will be early, since Pat needs to get up). It's my goal for tomorrow. I would also love to vacuum the living room and take the leaves out of the dining room table. Such lofty goals, huh?
Anyway, hopefully in another week, my life will return to normal and I can move on with everything else. And by that, I mean to make a schedule and follow it, plus a more realistic cleaning plan.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Can We Just Skip to October?
I mean, it's already dropping into the low 50's at night. We've already done open house at work, and we're so over the whole Back-to-School thing. The leaves have started falling off the tree. And Survivor has started. (and I was so happy when I was watching it!!!!)
I think the further I get into the school year, the better it will go for me. I finally got some sleep Thuersday night, and what a difference it made for Friday. I'm sure the jeans and sweatshirt didn't hurt, either. Yay for dress down days!
I was also able to get out for a walk with Nathaniel today. It's amazing how much my mood has improved in the last 48 hours. I hope we're on an up-swing.
I think the further I get into the school year, the better it will go for me. I finally got some sleep Thuersday night, and what a difference it made for Friday. I'm sure the jeans and sweatshirt didn't hurt, either. Yay for dress down days!
I was also able to get out for a walk with Nathaniel today. It's amazing how much my mood has improved in the last 48 hours. I hope we're on an up-swing.
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