Honesty

I started Atkins again. I know that I have a lot of weight to lose. It's damn near disgusting how much I need to lose, but I'm actually not even focusing on that.

I want to live. That's what I'm focusing on.

Life.

I want to see my kids grow up. I want to dance with them at their weddings. I want to see them grown and happy.

So, for the first time in my life, I am going to focus on myself. I have realized that I need to love myself, or I won't take care of myself. How can you care for soemthing you hate? In that vein, I am going to admit how much I weigh, no matter who reads this- strangers, sisters, whomever.

I weigh 287 pounds. Yes, you read that right. 13 pounds under 300. 20 of that is leftover from when I was pregnant with Veronica, and another 20 was leftover from Nathaniel's pregnancy. But the pregnancy ended 6 months ago. Yeah, I dropped 32 of it in the last 6 months, but most of that was right after I had her. Not good enough.

So we start again. Today I planned out breakfast, lunch and dinner. I brought my gym shoes to work and WALKED after school. I did 30 minutes. It was awesome, and very empowering. If I can do it today, after being off work for two weeks, I can do it any day, right? I know that I can. I have salads for lunch (working on liking the veggies- it ain't easy) and make good tasting eggs with veggies and cheese for breakfast. Dinner is easy, I just take out the carbs, right? It sounds so simple when it's written out like that.

Then why the hell is it so hard? I pray that it gets easier. And for the first time I feel like I really have a great support group- my mommy's club. They were so incredible today when I asked them to wish me luck that I would do it.

And, ok, I have one really vain reason too. Mom's getting married in April. (I know, right? Entry for another day, another time.) I want to look good. Not just alright, but good! I have nothing that will fit and nothing that I want to wear, and I hate going shopping for clothes. I don't want it to be like that for the wedding. Ok, and I want to feel like I look better than Jen. I won't no matter what, but I want to feel like I do. That's all I'm asking for there.

So, good luck to me as we do this again, and hopefully, for the final time. I can do this. I can do this. I CAN DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!

I keep chanting "I'm gonna have a healthy body, next year this time I'll be a hottie..." I think if I keep having days like this, I will believe it soon enough.