Today was Nathaniel's last day with the babysitter who he has been with since he was 12 weeks old. I am really sad about that. We really loved her, we just didn't want him to get hurt by the other little girl there anymore.
So I picked him up today, and we were all crying. Then she tells me that she's never had anyone leave her daycae unhappy. That made me feel like shit. It's not that we are unhappy, we just want what's best for Nathaniel. I am truly happy with the decision we made to send him to school. I never intended to hurt her (the babysitter) or anyone else for that matter, but I have to take care of my son.
I was crying so hard when I was there, picking him up. I kept telling myself that it would all be over soon, and that I would get through it and I did. But why do I feel so terrible then? I know that right after we left she went into the kitchen and cried, so that the other kids wouldn't see her.
If we were to ever have another child (ha ha) then I would not hesitate to have her care for that one too. I already recommended her to a colleague who is getting married next week, telling her that when she and her hubs to be are ready, the babysitter is great. I am hoping that I don't feel sad much longer. Nathaniel's teachers at school love him so much too, and he does get a lot of attention there. One of his teachers told me he was her favorite, and made no attempt to hide it.
I know it will all work out in the end, I just want to feel like the right decision was made.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
Nothing
I really have nothing to write about, but I feel like I should have tons to get out. I am feeling a little down in the dumps right now, after having such a good day. I don't know what's going on in my head. I am feeling so overwhelemed with all the stuff I want to/need to do, with the result that I am not doing anything!
I haven't finished the thank you cards for Pat, I have tons of work to do for school, my house is a huge mess, and I have to take my final for my spanish class. I am nowhere near ready for that. If readiness were a state, it would be Alaska and I'd be in Florida with the old people! (Hey, it's thundering outside!)
See, no focus whatsoever. I should've started a load of laundry tonight. But I didn't. I will start the laundry whenever I get up tomorrow (which will be early, since Pat needs to get up). It's my goal for tomorrow. I would also love to vacuum the living room and take the leaves out of the dining room table. Such lofty goals, huh?
Anyway, hopefully in another week, my life will return to normal and I can move on with everything else. And by that, I mean to make a schedule and follow it, plus a more realistic cleaning plan.
I haven't finished the thank you cards for Pat, I have tons of work to do for school, my house is a huge mess, and I have to take my final for my spanish class. I am nowhere near ready for that. If readiness were a state, it would be Alaska and I'd be in Florida with the old people! (Hey, it's thundering outside!)
See, no focus whatsoever. I should've started a load of laundry tonight. But I didn't. I will start the laundry whenever I get up tomorrow (which will be early, since Pat needs to get up). It's my goal for tomorrow. I would also love to vacuum the living room and take the leaves out of the dining room table. Such lofty goals, huh?
Anyway, hopefully in another week, my life will return to normal and I can move on with everything else. And by that, I mean to make a schedule and follow it, plus a more realistic cleaning plan.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Can We Just Skip to October?
I mean, it's already dropping into the low 50's at night. We've already done open house at work, and we're so over the whole Back-to-School thing. The leaves have started falling off the tree. And Survivor has started. (and I was so happy when I was watching it!!!!)
I think the further I get into the school year, the better it will go for me. I finally got some sleep Thuersday night, and what a difference it made for Friday. I'm sure the jeans and sweatshirt didn't hurt, either. Yay for dress down days!
I was also able to get out for a walk with Nathaniel today. It's amazing how much my mood has improved in the last 48 hours. I hope we're on an up-swing.
I think the further I get into the school year, the better it will go for me. I finally got some sleep Thuersday night, and what a difference it made for Friday. I'm sure the jeans and sweatshirt didn't hurt, either. Yay for dress down days!
I was also able to get out for a walk with Nathaniel today. It's amazing how much my mood has improved in the last 48 hours. I hope we're on an up-swing.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
The Voices Won't Stop!
The voices in my head won't stop talking to me. I am going nuts with the lack of sleep. I haven't been sleeping well lately. I can't seem to shut off my mind. There are just so many things running around in there, and it seems they have the space to do it! It's 11:45 pm, and I plan on getting up at 6 tomorrow morning so that I can get to work early. I have tons of stuff to do there too. None that I really want to do though.
I have been really struggling with this school year. It started out great but went to shit pretty quick. I don't want to be there, and I really don't feel like I like any of my students. I would hate for Nathaniel to ever have a teacher that feels like that, and I am trying to remind myself of that every day. I pray that God helps me to be the teacher that my students need, but it doesn't seem to happen for me. I have been looking to schools to see what else I can do with my life, but what kind of job security will that give me? What about spending time with Nathaniel? Right now, I get to sepnd a lot of time with him, and I love that. And I really do like teaching, I enjoy it overall, but I am just struggling this year. And that sucks because behaviorally, my class is pretty good. Academically, they want to try (ok, well most of them). So obviously, the problem is me.
I am also feeling quite overwhelmed by debt right now. I know that I'm getting an extra paycheck this month, which will help greatly, but I still have the mortgage, daycare (both of them) electric, gas, credit cards and everything else to pay for and I just feel like I am just barely treading water. I know in the back of my head (somewhere) that we have enough to pay for our bills. But until I actually get everything paid, it will be on my mind. This is not conducive to sleep, however.
I am hopeful that soon my mind will calm down and allow me to sleep peacefully and deeply, and restfully.
I have been really struggling with this school year. It started out great but went to shit pretty quick. I don't want to be there, and I really don't feel like I like any of my students. I would hate for Nathaniel to ever have a teacher that feels like that, and I am trying to remind myself of that every day. I pray that God helps me to be the teacher that my students need, but it doesn't seem to happen for me. I have been looking to schools to see what else I can do with my life, but what kind of job security will that give me? What about spending time with Nathaniel? Right now, I get to sepnd a lot of time with him, and I love that. And I really do like teaching, I enjoy it overall, but I am just struggling this year. And that sucks because behaviorally, my class is pretty good. Academically, they want to try (ok, well most of them). So obviously, the problem is me.
I am also feeling quite overwhelmed by debt right now. I know that I'm getting an extra paycheck this month, which will help greatly, but I still have the mortgage, daycare (both of them) electric, gas, credit cards and everything else to pay for and I just feel like I am just barely treading water. I know in the back of my head (somewhere) that we have enough to pay for our bills. But until I actually get everything paid, it will be on my mind. This is not conducive to sleep, however.
I am hopeful that soon my mind will calm down and allow me to sleep peacefully and deeply, and restfully.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
I Guess I'm Human After All
Who knew? Apparently, I am not the cold, heartless bitch that I thought. (or that others thought, I'm not really sure.) I say this because tomorrow is Pat's Dad's wake.
And I am sad.
I had to buy the paper this morning, to get his obituary so that I could take my three days bereavement and get paid for it, instead of using sick days. I opened up the Sun Times and started to read it.
And I cried.
I am not sad that a major stressor is gone from my life. I am not sad that Pat can now come home at the end of his long workday. But I am sad that Nathaniel will not remember either of his grandfathers. I am sad that he will not grow up hearing thier stories. I am sad that Pat is so hurt (although he really tries to hide it.)
But, I am also sad that I just couldn't have let it all go before he died. Honestly, I think about it and wonder how much of the bullshit was real and how much was imaginary? But, wouldn't he have been happy that there is a person in this world that would defend his son and grandson at any expense?
No matter how negative a thing he said about my son or my husband (his own son) I would have fought him tooth and nail. What parent wouldn't want a person like that in their child's life?
When Pat and I first became aware that we were going to be parents ourselves, we had several long talks about how we would be different from our parents. I remember him swearing to me that he would never treat Nathaniel the way that his dad treated him (regarding the negativity and manipulation). The fact that he could even acknowledge that there was something disfunctional about his relationship with his dad speaks volumes. So not all of it was in my imagination.
In discussing my feelings with my sounding board and BFF, we talked about how Pat's dad loved kids. I had heard stories about how he adored Pat's sister (same mom, different dad) when she was young. He loved Johnny's little girl while she was around. He even would play with and buy Christmas presents for my nephew Larry. Then there was Nathaniel. I think he thought the sun rose and set on that kid's behind. (Doesn't it? I am pretty sure that's true.) SO masybe he just loved kids until they got to a certain age.
If that's so, then maybe it's a good thing that he died before Nathaniel hit that age of the stand off. I am honestly doing my best to make sure that Nathaniel will always love his grandpa, and that's where I start to tear up.
Because, his grandpa really loved him. And that goes a long way with softening my heart. So, I guess I'm human after all. I just hope that my tears don't look fake tomorrow or Thursday. They are real. And so is the sadness.
And I am sad.
I had to buy the paper this morning, to get his obituary so that I could take my three days bereavement and get paid for it, instead of using sick days. I opened up the Sun Times and started to read it.
And I cried.
I am not sad that a major stressor is gone from my life. I am not sad that Pat can now come home at the end of his long workday. But I am sad that Nathaniel will not remember either of his grandfathers. I am sad that he will not grow up hearing thier stories. I am sad that Pat is so hurt (although he really tries to hide it.)
But, I am also sad that I just couldn't have let it all go before he died. Honestly, I think about it and wonder how much of the bullshit was real and how much was imaginary? But, wouldn't he have been happy that there is a person in this world that would defend his son and grandson at any expense?
No matter how negative a thing he said about my son or my husband (his own son) I would have fought him tooth and nail. What parent wouldn't want a person like that in their child's life?
When Pat and I first became aware that we were going to be parents ourselves, we had several long talks about how we would be different from our parents. I remember him swearing to me that he would never treat Nathaniel the way that his dad treated him (regarding the negativity and manipulation). The fact that he could even acknowledge that there was something disfunctional about his relationship with his dad speaks volumes. So not all of it was in my imagination.
In discussing my feelings with my sounding board and BFF, we talked about how Pat's dad loved kids. I had heard stories about how he adored Pat's sister (same mom, different dad) when she was young. He loved Johnny's little girl while she was around. He even would play with and buy Christmas presents for my nephew Larry. Then there was Nathaniel. I think he thought the sun rose and set on that kid's behind. (Doesn't it? I am pretty sure that's true.) SO masybe he just loved kids until they got to a certain age.
If that's so, then maybe it's a good thing that he died before Nathaniel hit that age of the stand off. I am honestly doing my best to make sure that Nathaniel will always love his grandpa, and that's where I start to tear up.
Because, his grandpa really loved him. And that goes a long way with softening my heart. So, I guess I'm human after all. I just hope that my tears don't look fake tomorrow or Thursday. They are real. And so is the sadness.
Friday, September 2, 2011
It's Over
Pat's dad died yesterday. Pat was able to be with him in the end, so I am happy for that, because he is happy that he was there. I don't know how I would've felt had I been with my dad when he took his last breath. I don't know if that would have made it easier or not. But that's not what this entry is about.
I am not sure how I can comfort Pat. I of course gave him a hug when he finally got home last night. I will take phone calls for him when he just can't answer the phone anymore. I will be there, waiting for him to open up on me or unleash his grief and/or anger. And I will of course accept condolences from people to pass along to him. I will be there to remind him that he was a wonderful son to his father, no matter what other people might say, and I will defend him and his decisions until my own dying breath.
But I am not grieving the way he is. I couldn't. If his dad had died years ago, before we got engaged, I would have been really upset. But the past 3 plus years of my life have been so different from the previous 6 1/2... when Pat and I were just dating.
I am of course saddened for my husband's loss. I will grieve with him. I will help him to remember the "good times" he had with his dad. I will help Nathaniel remember his Grandpa (because despite how little I liked the man, N loved him, and he loved Nathaniel). I will never take that from him. In fact, I think the only positive thing about the man was that he did love his grandson. I have always acknowledged that.
I will work to not let my hatred for him cloud Nathaniel's feelings and memories, if he should carry any into the future. (He is only 2, afterall.)
I am sorry that my son will not grow up with grandfathers. But there are pictures and there are memories that can be kept.
And now, I face a dilemma. One of my 101 things to do was to forgive and forget. Right after Nathaniel's birthday, I had said that I would never be able to do it. I couldn't forgive or forget what he said to me and did to me. What he did just hurt me too much. So here's the dilemma: do I take it off my list and replace it with something else or do I just leave it there, as a reminder that AI couldn't accomplish everything?
I am not sure how I can comfort Pat. I of course gave him a hug when he finally got home last night. I will take phone calls for him when he just can't answer the phone anymore. I will be there, waiting for him to open up on me or unleash his grief and/or anger. And I will of course accept condolences from people to pass along to him. I will be there to remind him that he was a wonderful son to his father, no matter what other people might say, and I will defend him and his decisions until my own dying breath.
But I am not grieving the way he is. I couldn't. If his dad had died years ago, before we got engaged, I would have been really upset. But the past 3 plus years of my life have been so different from the previous 6 1/2... when Pat and I were just dating.
I am of course saddened for my husband's loss. I will grieve with him. I will help him to remember the "good times" he had with his dad. I will help Nathaniel remember his Grandpa (because despite how little I liked the man, N loved him, and he loved Nathaniel). I will never take that from him. In fact, I think the only positive thing about the man was that he did love his grandson. I have always acknowledged that.
I will work to not let my hatred for him cloud Nathaniel's feelings and memories, if he should carry any into the future. (He is only 2, afterall.)
I am sorry that my son will not grow up with grandfathers. But there are pictures and there are memories that can be kept.
And now, I face a dilemma. One of my 101 things to do was to forgive and forget. Right after Nathaniel's birthday, I had said that I would never be able to do it. I couldn't forgive or forget what he said to me and did to me. What he did just hurt me too much. So here's the dilemma: do I take it off my list and replace it with something else or do I just leave it there, as a reminder that AI couldn't accomplish everything?
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Bitter
A friend announced on facebook yesterday that she's expecting her third child. WHile I love my son and am happy that we have our one perfect child, I can't help but be sad and bitter (and jealous!) about this. Maybe because everything is so up in the air right now. Maybe it's the PMS. But I think that most likely it's because my due date is quickly approaching for the one I lost in March.
Don't get me wrong, I am very happy for the friend and I do not begrudge anyone their own happiness, but today it just stings a little.
Edited at 11:10 to add: An online "friend" just announced her pregnancy. I only know this woman as an internet stranger that frequents the same forums that I do. I am beyond thrilled for her, and not one ounce of bitterness or jealousy. This is her first, after many years of infertility and trying. She was scheduled for an IVF in Octeober, but managed a Hail Mary. I do not know anything about her other than her strugles, but I feel complete and total joy for her.
(The other person already has two kids. Still jealous and bitter.)
Don't get me wrong, I am very happy for the friend and I do not begrudge anyone their own happiness, but today it just stings a little.
Edited at 11:10 to add: An online "friend" just announced her pregnancy. I only know this woman as an internet stranger that frequents the same forums that I do. I am beyond thrilled for her, and not one ounce of bitterness or jealousy. This is her first, after many years of infertility and trying. She was scheduled for an IVF in Octeober, but managed a Hail Mary. I do not know anything about her other than her strugles, but I feel complete and total joy for her.
(The other person already has two kids. Still jealous and bitter.)
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