Deep Breath. Deep Breath. Deep Breath. I can get through this entry without going crazy, crying, or getting angry. Deep Breath. Deep Breath. Deep Breath.
Where to even start? Since my last entry, I have found life to be increasingly difficult to manage. It has not been easy having my sister and nephew here with us. Some days are ok, but most I just trudge through. I have to admit, I hate having them here. I wish they were gone. I just want my old life back. And of course saying that makes me feel like crap and fills me with guilt.
But I am so tired of being the one that people just assume is going to take care of everyone else. When Jess left, she left on a Wednesday. My mom went out of town that weekend, and never even considered staying home to make sure her youngest child (and a grandchild) would be alright. Never even considered it. I can guess why. One, because my nephew would break stuff at their house (I know this for a fact since it's happened here many times over) and two, because Joi will take care of everything. Because I have no choice in the matter.
Shit gets dumped on me all the time. Mom needs and appetizer for a party so she calls me. Jess needs a ride to court, they call me. Someone needs money, they call me. Where the fuck am I supposed to get any money? I am UNEMPLOYED!!!!
I had adjusted fairly well to being home. Until my life got flipped again by the extras. We had an agreement that she would do the dishes. Why do I have to keep reminding her to do them? She's 36 fucking years old!!!! I have to suggest that she takes a shower or bathe her kid. We'll never use the sheets that she's been using for the past three months, because they've only been washed once. Why should I have to fucking tell her. The washer and dryer are across the hall from the room they use (which stinks, by the way) and I only use it 4 days a week. That leaves 3 das for her to do her laundry, Larry's laundry, and their sheets and towels.
And the kid himself drives me up a fucking wall. He never listens, runs through the house, painted on Nathaniel's easel, has broken numerous toys, and lies, screams, and whines like there's no tomorrow. (Jess used to blame it on visiting his dad for the weekend, but he hasn't gone for three weeks and the kids is still an asshole. What's your excuse now?) I have no patience for it.
I'm hoping that things will get better soon. December simply sucked, and I love December. Christmas is my favorite day of the year. I plan activities for the entire Advent season. I work my tail off to make it incredible for my kids. I leave the decorations up until MLK day.
Not this year. I did the Advent calendar, and we did most of the activities I had planned, but I found no joy in them. No magic. I took down the decorations and ditched the tree on the 27th. I just wanted it all to go away. I felt hopeless, helpless, and lost. So I talked with Pat. That was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Admitting that something was out of control. He said that I should call my doctor, so I did, once I had insurance again, which was Jan. 1.
They couldn't see me until the end of the month. (I'm still waiting to see her, actually.) in the mean time, I confessed how miserable I've been to the ladies on my birth month club. They suggested a few places to call and to see a counselor or doctor. I've always felt like I've had depression, as is evidenced by many posts here and my past journal collection. So I called the one doctor that I could find that would accept my insurance. They had an opening Feb. 14th.
I just broke down and cried. I knew I needed help, as I felt like I could snap and hurt someone and I had said in front of my kids that it would be better if I just stuck a gun in my mouth and pulled the trigger. Fortunately, they had a cancellation and I was able to go about a week ago.
After speaking with the doctor and describing all the other things that were going on, she diagnosed me with anxiety and depression. I am now medicated for it. I just started my second week of meds, and I will be starting counseling around the end of February. I am hoping that the meds will work, but I don't have the positive attitude about that as I did last week. I just want to feel better, and I think a large part of that is losing two extra people who suck up what little patience I have.
so that's where we are. And to show just how much people think that I can handle everything without support, when I told my mom I was taking an anti-depressant, she simply said "I know what it is." (I had told her the name of the drug, and that it was an anti-D.) No how long has this been going on? no is there anything we can do? nothing. Just and "Oh" and "I know what it is."
Thanks for nothing mom.
