Long Time Coming

Deep Breath. Deep Breath. Deep Breath. I can get through this entry without going crazy, crying, or getting angry. Deep Breath. Deep Breath. Deep Breath.

Where to even start? Since my last entry, I have found life to be increasingly difficult to manage. It has not been easy having my sister and nephew here with us. Some days are ok, but most I just trudge through. I have to admit, I hate having them here. I wish they were gone. I just want my old life back. And of course saying that makes me feel like crap and fills me with guilt.

But I am so tired of being the one that people just assume is going to take care of everyone else. When Jess left, she left on a Wednesday. My mom went out of town that weekend, and never even considered staying home to make sure her youngest child (and a grandchild) would be alright. Never even considered it. I can guess why. One, because my nephew would break stuff at their house (I know this for a fact since it's happened here many times over) and two, because Joi will take care of everything. Because I have no choice in the matter.

Shit gets dumped on me all the time. Mom needs and appetizer for a party so she calls me. Jess needs a ride to court, they call me. Someone needs money, they call me. Where the fuck am I supposed to get any money? I am UNEMPLOYED!!!!

I had adjusted fairly well to being home. Until my life got flipped again by the extras. We had an agreement that she would do the dishes. Why do I have to keep reminding her to do them? She's 36 fucking years old!!!! I have to suggest that she takes a shower or bathe her kid. We'll never use the sheets that she's been using for the past three months, because they've only been washed once. Why should I have to fucking tell her. The washer and dryer are across the hall from the room they use (which stinks, by the way) and I only use it 4 days a week. That leaves 3 das for her to do her laundry, Larry's laundry, and their sheets and towels.

And the kid himself drives me up a fucking wall. He never listens, runs through the house, painted on Nathaniel's easel, has broken numerous toys, and lies, screams, and whines like there's no tomorrow. (Jess used to blame it on visiting his dad for the weekend, but he hasn't gone for three weeks and the kids is still an asshole. What's your excuse now?) I have no patience for it.

I'm hoping that things will get better soon. December simply sucked, and I love December. Christmas is my favorite day of the year. I plan activities for the entire Advent season. I work my tail off to make it incredible for my kids. I leave the decorations up until MLK day.

Not this year. I did the Advent calendar, and we did most of the activities I had planned, but I found no joy in them. No magic. I took down the decorations and ditched the tree on the 27th. I just wanted it all to go away. I felt hopeless, helpless, and lost. So I talked with Pat. That was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Admitting that something was out of control. He said that I should call my doctor, so I did, once I had insurance again, which was Jan. 1.

They couldn't see me until the end of the month. (I'm still waiting to see her, actually.) in the mean time, I confessed how miserable I've been to the ladies on my birth month club. They suggested a few places to call and to see a counselor or doctor. I've always felt like I've had depression, as is evidenced by many posts here and my past journal collection. So I called the one doctor that I could find that would accept my insurance. They had an opening Feb. 14th.

I just broke down and cried. I knew I needed help, as I felt like I could snap and hurt someone and I had said in front of my kids that it would be better if I just stuck a gun in my mouth and pulled the trigger. Fortunately, they had a cancellation and I was able to go about a week ago.

After speaking with the doctor and describing all the other things that were going on, she diagnosed me with anxiety and depression. I am now medicated for it. I just started my second week of meds, and I will be starting counseling around the end of February. I am hoping that the meds will work, but I don't have the positive attitude about that as I did last week. I just want to feel better, and I think a large part of that is losing two extra people who suck up what little patience I have.

so that's where we are. And to show just how much people think that I can handle everything without support, when I told my mom I was taking an anti-depressant, she simply said "I know what it is." (I had told her the name of the drug, and that it was an anti-D.) No how long has this been going on? no is there anything we can do? nothing. Just and "Oh" and "I know what it is."

Thanks for nothing mom.

Oh, That Road to Hell

Well, it's Monday evening, and I said Monday morning. All those good intentions... But it was a rough night. Someone woke up at 3 am, wanting more snuggles (which I gladly give) but then wouldn't go back to sleep and kept getting up over and over and over until about 5:15 when he woke up his sister. And that was the start of my day. 3 am. So Veronica's sleep schedule was all fucked up (in fact, it's 5:30 pm and she's just now taking her second nap). Which means she ain't going to bed at 8. But dammit, I am.

Anyhow, let's start with today- Nathaniel's first day of preschool. Printed out a little sign that said "Today is my first day of preschool!!! August 19, 2012. I am 4 years old. My teacher is Ms. Melissa." It was so cute and I printed it out and told him that we were going to take pictures of him holding the sign. And then I realized. I typed 2012!!! Um, good morning! It's 2013. I should have just crawled back in bed at that point.

I managed to retype it and print it and get some really cute pictures. Then I took him and Veronica to Dunkin Donuts for munchkins for breakfast and then dropped him off. My eye was starting to kill me but since I was already out, I went to the grocery store. Still have to pick up the meat, but everything other than the meat cost just over $60 for the rest of August and all of September. I am really enjoying making my own stuff, but more on that later.

Get home and try to get V down for a nap. Not happening. Started laundry and then just sat down, exhausted. I pretty much was just beat by then and it was only 10 am. I finally got V down about 11 (she was fighting and overtired) and then called my sis to see how she was and before I knew it I had to leave to pick up Nathaniel. I get there, and wait in the line from hell. (I hope it was just because it was the first day and new parents didn't know what they were doing.) Finally I get him and ask him how his first day was.

"Kinda shitty. I had a string on my sock." was his response. What? I tried really hard not to laugh and asked him to tell me again how his day was.

He knew it was a word he shouldn't have said, so he changed it and said "Kinda chevy. Like the car." Boy oh boy, am I going to have my hands full with that kid!

So we went out for special lunch (chicken mcnuggets) and came home and have just been trying to get through the rest of the day. I have so much still going through my head. I want to tell you all about the many pinterest recipes I've made. I want to tell you about how I'm adjusting to being at home, and how I went through a patch of depression, and how I'm terrified now that the school year has started and I really am unemployed for the first time in 25 years. And how scared I am of not having health insurance and the fact that we can't afford it no matter what we do. And all the other things that float through my head about cleaning schedules, laundry schedules, making things from scratch and trying to justify it as healthier than store bought (which I'm sure it is, but I honestly think it's just filling a hole in my life), saving money and trying to save my sanity. And how I'm hoping and praying that I'm not just lazy.

But that will have to be another nap time. Because I need to get up and finish making dinner.

25 Hours From Now

I have about 25 hours left of my teaching career. I really can't wait to not be here or in any classroom for that matter. It's become really bad.

But even amongst the horror, there has always been some light. My colleauges. They are amazing people. They gave me flowers yesterday and a card. I knew I would cry when I read the card, so I waited until I got home to open it. Imagine my surprise when cash fell out. They had taken up a collection for me since I am leaving. They aer genuinely thoughtful people, and I think they are what's kept me going the last year. It surely hasn't been the students I had.

But I do have plans for next week, since both kids are going to day care. (I think after 19 years in education I deserve a week to myself, right?) I am going to spend one day doing some freezer cooking. I have about 18 recipes (and some of them are doubled) that can be assembled and then frozen to throw in the crock pot. I also intend to stock the pantry with a lot of non-perishables. I plan to spend close to $400.

Why? Becuase I'm terrified that my decision to leave and not have a job will mean that my kids will go hungry. If Pat and I don't eat dinner every night, we'll both be fine. (Perhaps even better off.) But I can't allow my kids to have that problem. And with them both eating table food now, and Nathaniel eating all three meals at home (he was having breakfast and lunch at school) I need to find ways to make sure they eat.

This summer, we'll be going to the farmer's market and stocking up on fruits- some to eat right away and some to freeze. Same with veggies. (Plus I found a "reduced to sell quick" section at one of the grocery stores last night that had great looking veggies for 50 cents a pound. That's a lot of green beans and zucchini! Bags of potatoes -that I can bake and freeze right away- for 99 cents.)

I think the fear of my kids going hungry is greater than the fear of being 39 with diabetes and no insurance. I should be able to pull out all of my retirement (minus the taxes and penalties, but you gotta do what you gotta do) and that should help us live for a while. Especially when we'll be saving over $1200 a month by not sending both kids to full time day care. Nathaniel will go to preschool 5 days a week, but it costs $360/month, as opposed to $220/week for day care for him and $180/week for Veronica. So that should help.

Pat keeps pushing me to apply for a teaching position in other districts, but I can't. I don't want to. I don't want to be near any children but my own for a looooong time. He just doesn't fucking get it. It hit me as to why when I was in the shower this morning. He's never held a job for 5 years, let alone 10. Nor has he been in the same industry for more than 5 years. I've been teaching for 19. That's got to be why he doesn't get it. And frankly, it pisses me the fuck off that he can quit his job and everything is supposed to be ok, but I quit mine and it's the end of the world. I secretly hate him for that.

But again, I digress. I've got my shopping lists made for next week and the kids' parties are planned. All I need to get for that is the food, which is really no big deal. And I have to print the invitations. I ordered everything from designers on Etsy this year, since it will be the first and only time they have separate themed parties. HIs is Mario Bros. and Veronica's is 1-der the Sea. OMG did her invites turn out cute!!! I serached for a long time befiore I settled on a design that I really liked. I hope to add pictures, but since it's still a month away, it will take some time.

So yeah, this turned out to not be about my 25 hours left, but about the hours, days, weeks and months afterwards. I am looking forward to the next chapter in my life. I just have to have faith that this was the right time and the right decision. Wish me luck!

Coming to an End

I am not one who usually jumps headfirst into things without weighing each pro and con, so when I have a big decision to make, it takes a while. I mean, I start planning my kids; birthday parties 6 months in advance and make lists upon lists of things that I could do, so I can have a plan in place. It gives me a sense of security.

Getting married? No brainer. That was an easy decision.

Having children? Took us months to decide whether to have a second one.

Deciding on a house? We looked at over 50.

So my latest decision has had me stumped for months. I have honestly been working on this since December. Do I stay in teaching or try something new?

I weighed the pros such as my time off with my kids, decent pay, great insurance. I weighed the cons, such as ever increasing demands, depression related to work, migraines, more administrative bullshit than I care to deal with, and so on. And I came to a decision.

I. AM. DONE. Yes, it will be hard to work year round, but I think that's a case of ignorance would have been bliss. I mean millions of women work year round and their children still love them and they get things done. Why shouldn't I be able to as well? I thought of what I'd be taking away from my children- all that time with them. But I think that giving them a happier mom who is under less stress would be just as, if not more, beneficial to them.

So I told my first colleague today that I'm not coming back. She tried to talk me out of it, but all I could do was cry. I don't want to be there. I don't want to deal with any of the crap that we deal with. I have lost my passion for teaching and that's dangerous. A teacher who is just collecting a check isn't doing society any good. I don't want to be that, but I feel myself inching closer and closer to that.

I am terrified too. I don't know what I'll do. I know I have 4 months to find something, and that's a luxury not many are afforded. And I do know that any other job in the world is going to have administrative bullshit and a whole list of cons.

But I have to try. All I've ever done is teach. My first class was in 1994. Yes, I count the years I spent teaching preschool. Nearly 20 years of experience, and I despise it so much that I'm willing to walk away from it all. My books that I've spent thousands of dollars on. My posters. My summers. My pension.

And I don't care.

Losing It

I went to Target to get a few things... Baby food, a rain coat for each of the kids, spring/summer jammies for them, and a condelence card. While I was in the card section, it hit me that I needed to get a card for my mom's wedding on Saturday.

I walked to the aisle that had the wedding cards in them and just started sobbing. Mom's getting married on Saturday. In three days, she won't have the same last name she's had since 1968. My dad's name.

Dad died after suffering through illnesses and invalidity on July 3, 2010, a few days after Nathaniel's first birthday. He's buried in a cemetary not too far from where mom works. And although in my head I know he's not there, I fear that he's alone. That he always will be alone. And that my mom will forget about him.

It's not that I'm not happy for my mom. I am. (Or try to be.) She deserves to be happy. I promised her that when Dad died, if she found someone else I would be happy for her. But I never expected that to actually happen, so it was an easy promise.

The man she is marrying makes her happy. She makes him happy. Everyone is so happy it makes me want to vomit. I put on my smile and try to be as welcoming as possible, but I find that I am having a harder time than I ever expected to.

There's nothing wrong with him, but little comments that he makes drive me crazy. Like "I get to become a father and grandfather all in one day." No, my dad is dead and my kids aren't your grandkids. Ever.

Pat and I talked about how this was making me feel, about how I feel like my dad will be alone forever. He said he felt the same way about his dad. I don't care about his dad. My dad bought 6 plots in the cemetary, to fill up with his wife and kids, I assume. His dad bought 4 plots so that he could have a monument erected. I know two people that can be buried there- his uncle and the cousin who will probably never marry. So one spot will go unused. Pat and I plan to be buried together, and he knows better than to plant me by his dad. That brings us around again to my dad being all alone.

I would never tell my mom the way I feel because I don't want to hurt her. But inside I am hurting so much.

Who Is That?

When I look at myself in the mirror, I don't know who I see. I feel like I know her name, but I don't really know anything about her. She looks so weak, but I know that she has done many things that take strength. She looks tired, but I know that she will continue working until everything is finished. She looks happy, but I know that she is not.

What the hell is going on with me? Since last week, I certainly have not felt like myself at all. I feel so overwhelmed at the tiniest of things. I get so irritated so quickly (faster than before, if you can believe that!). I don't understand why people make the choices they do.

A prime example: I cleaned out the basement over the weekend. Well, one eyesore in particular. Pat had told me that he would take care of it and after 5 months, I got really tired of seeing it. Most of it was broken down cardboard that could go into the recycling. So, I took all the garbage out of the box, and put in only broken down boxes for the green recycling bin for Wednesday's garbage pick up.

I asked him to take it out and put it in the bin, which is the size of our big garbage can (it hold like 7 garbabge bags). When he came back in, I asked him if he got it in there. He said "I didn't think it would fit, so I didn't put it in."

I just don't get that. So instead of putting some of the cardboard in (to an EMPTY container) you put none, because you thought that it wouldn't all fit???

That is when I became furious! It was like a switch flipped in my brain. It is pissing me off again just writing about it. WTF!?!?!?!?!

I get mad (and hurt again) every time I look at Pat. I know that's not right and that's not normal. I do love him, and God knows he is trying. We went to Michigan City yesterday. He called and asked if we wanted to go once Nathaniel got up from his nap. Since he hadn't gone down yet, we left right after Pat got home. On the way out there, he tried to hold my hand in the car, as we used to do. I just couldn't (because of the pain in looking at him and being with him). Anyway, we finally get out there and his phone rings. It's his dad, who so very conveniently, is on his way to Michigan City. (his uncle and cousin were already out there, at the cottage, when Pat had said "let's just take a drive, the 3 of us.")

So his dad has really incredible timing, huh? Two incidents in less than a week? I don't think so. But here's where Pat is trying. We went to the outlet mall and then went back home. We did not stop and see his family (two of the three would have been ok) but instead went back home. So I know he is at least trying to get it, but I really think that being with his family would be too much for me right now. I feel like they all had a part in his decision and what he wants. Much like my family influenced me and my decisions. But his was so sudden and the hurt is still very real.

So I have decided that after school starts again and things settle down a bit (with that, I don't think they'll ever settle down here) I am going to seek out some counceling. I can't live like this anymore, nor should I have to. I would love to be the happy girl that I used to be. I just hope that when I look in the mirror, I can find her.

Down in the Dumps

I feel really down today. The fact that I can't sleep is really getting to me. I stop drininking pop by 2 pm, yet I can't sleep past 5. That's a good day. Lately, it's been 4 am that I wake up. Today it was 2:30. Two fucking thirty. I kept flopping around until 4:30, when I finally gave up.

Speaking of giving up, I am quite angry with myself about my weight. I have gained several pounds since being off school. This was supposed to be the summer of success for me. I just feel like a gigantic failure. Seriously gigantic.

We got some good news yesterday about Pat's job situation. I thought it would be great enough of a relief that I would start sleeping again, but I guess not.

Everything should be going well, but it's not. I am hoping that when I go out this morning, I can shake the blues. I would also really like it if I could stop feeling nauseous in the morning if I'm not pregnant. I hate that.

Having a Day

I don't know what is wrong with me. I am just so tired and no matter what I try, I just have no energy. I am depressed, too. Maybe that's why all I want to do is sleep. Maybe it's not that I have no energy, I just want to be in bed. I have no reason to be depressed. School ends on Thursday (3 days left!). I will be spending the summer with Nathaniel. Everyone in my family is reasonably healthy. I have a wonderful and supportive husband. What can I do?

I think about taking a walk, knowing that if I get up and move, I can release endorphins that will make me less unhappy. I know that moving will give me energy. I just don't WANT to.

I am not feeling as overwhelmed as I was earlier this week, so at least there is some positives in this all. And Pat is really trying to both understand and leave me to have some peace. I really appreciate that about him. I want to have some peace. I want to find my joy. I want to be happy, I just don't know how to get there.