Today was a really good day for me. I feel like I've accomplished something great... passed a milestone of sorts. My dear friend came to visit me today and brought her adorable baby boy with her. Since her little guy was born at the end of June, just like my Nathaniel, I offered her his gently used clothing.
When I first had the idea, I was sure that I wanted to get rid of it. When she accepted the offer, I wasn't as sure. I had to go through the boxes of clothes, because I knew there were outfits that I wanted to keep. Going through those boxes was so difficult. More than I thought it would be.
But, today, as she went through the boxes, all the memories of where we had gone and who gave them to Nathaniel came rushing back. And I was happy. Yes. HAPPY. Was that why I was holding on to everything. (And seriously, everything. There were 14 boxes of clothes from 0-3 months to 12 months.)
So it was symbollically the ending of Nathaniel's babyhood and the ending of my clinging to it. But it was the beginning of a new life for those clothes, and others can appreciate them.
* There was going to be much more to this entry, but I started it on Monday and it's now Wednesday and I don't remember what else I was going to write.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Harry Potter and Other Goals
So I have accomplished a few of the goals this week. Nathaniel and I blew dandelions, we went to the zoo, and I mailed the invites for Pat's 30th birthday. I also went to see that last Harry Potter movie today. It was nothing short of spectacular! It was honestly one of the best movies I've seen. It may just move up to the number 2 movie on my all time list. (Is there anything that could replace Star Wars?) If I had a young adult vs. now list of movies, I think that HP 7.2 would be on the top. It was so wonderfully done.
Well, now I have finished 27 of my 101 things. I feel pretty good about that. I do understand that I picked some really easy things to do, but I had to start somewhere.
Well, now I have finished 27 of my 101 things. I feel pretty good about that. I do understand that I picked some really easy things to do, but I had to start somewhere.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
A Perfect Day
Today was just a perfect day. Nathaniel and I were fortunate enough to go to Brookfield Zoo today. The weather was incredible! It was about 78 degrees and very little humidity.
We got there around ten am (they open at 9:30) and we were able to find a parking spot relatively close to the entrance. I pulled out the stroller and got Nathaniel settled. I brought PB&J's and fruit snacks for lunch. We had a few bottles of water and a can of pop in the cooler.
When we got in, I decided to get the admission plus 3, which means admission to the zoo plus three other activities. It was a great deal, considering Nathaniel is still free, so I only had to pay for myself! I chose the motor safari (the tram), the Children's zoo (which is just a petting zoo) and the Carousel. Nathaniel has never done any of those, so I was looking forward to them.
We decided (ok, I decided) to go see the Great Bear Wilderness first. It was awesome! We got to see the polar bears up close and the grizzly was sleeping right next to the viewing glass. Nathaniel started singing Brown Bear, Brown Bear. I was jsut so proud. He knew that the point was to see the animals, and he looked everywhere for them.
He pointed our bears, birds, fish, giraffes, tigers and even a hippo. The best was when we went to see the living coast and the volunteer told him there was a shark in the water. (A small one and I can't remember what kind.) What does my son do? Da- da... da- da. Yep, he starts singing the theme from Jaws! The lady was astounded. (We used to sing it all the time when we were feeding him baby purees, and still do it now when we tickle him.) So funny!
Anyway, as the day progressed, Nathaniel decided that he wanted to walk and I was more than happy to oblige him. (Exercise in the sun= good night's sleep!) He was so well behaved. I let him decide which way he wanted to go for the most part, and when we didn't go his way he pulled for a minute, but came along with me. Not one single tantrum.
I wish I could say the same thing for the people around us. There were so many kids throwing insane tantrums. I;m not talking about 3 or 4 year old, who might be excused for being over tired. I'm talking 8 or 9 year olds. They were throwing themselves on the ground or their parents were dragging them. Nathaniel looked at them and said "time out." I thought I would pee my pants laughing.
I also recieved several ocmpliments from other parents on how well behaved Nathaniel was. I admit, I swelled with pride. He really is well behaved. He made the day perfect.
After we had walked for a while, we decided to take the tram for a bit. He was so excited, thinking it would be like the train. It was fun, and relaxing, except I couldn't take my stroller on the tram. SO we had to go all the way around to go get the stroller. But, it did help me decide what else we needed to see, and where the children's zoo was.
So after the tram, we did the children's zoo. Nathaniel liked it because it had low sinks that kids could wash their own hands in. But, I think he was equally as excited when he was brushing the goat or petting the chicken and sheep. (Or yelling "MOOOOO!" at the cows.
Now, it was getiting to be a little bit of a long day, as it was almost 1:45 and we had been walking most of the day. (I know that the day I DON'T take the stroller is the day he will want to ride in it all day.) SO we walked over the the carousel. He has never been on one and I was worried that he wouldn't like it.
I couldn't have been more wrong! He loved it! He rode on the elephant and before the ride even started, he was saying "GO! GO! GO!" It was just awesome.
We left after that, with no whining or crying about toys. (I'm sure that at some point in his life, we will have this problem, as I know he can throw wicked fits.) But he wasn't one of those kids who were riding in the stroller, feet dragging because they're too big for the thing, while their mom carries a baby in her arms.
In the end, we were able to see the entire zoo, and we were there for about 4 1/2 hours. My well behaved little boy made my day so happy and wonderful. He walked with me for about 2 1/2 of those hours, and slept the half hour it took to get home. (yeah, I know.. a half hour. He'll be tired tonight!)
The only thing that could have made it better was if Pat was with. Maybe for Boo! at the Zoo in October.
We got there around ten am (they open at 9:30) and we were able to find a parking spot relatively close to the entrance. I pulled out the stroller and got Nathaniel settled. I brought PB&J's and fruit snacks for lunch. We had a few bottles of water and a can of pop in the cooler.
When we got in, I decided to get the admission plus 3, which means admission to the zoo plus three other activities. It was a great deal, considering Nathaniel is still free, so I only had to pay for myself! I chose the motor safari (the tram), the Children's zoo (which is just a petting zoo) and the Carousel. Nathaniel has never done any of those, so I was looking forward to them.
We decided (ok, I decided) to go see the Great Bear Wilderness first. It was awesome! We got to see the polar bears up close and the grizzly was sleeping right next to the viewing glass. Nathaniel started singing Brown Bear, Brown Bear. I was jsut so proud. He knew that the point was to see the animals, and he looked everywhere for them.
He pointed our bears, birds, fish, giraffes, tigers and even a hippo. The best was when we went to see the living coast and the volunteer told him there was a shark in the water. (A small one and I can't remember what kind.) What does my son do? Da- da... da- da. Yep, he starts singing the theme from Jaws! The lady was astounded. (We used to sing it all the time when we were feeding him baby purees, and still do it now when we tickle him.) So funny!
Anyway, as the day progressed, Nathaniel decided that he wanted to walk and I was more than happy to oblige him. (Exercise in the sun= good night's sleep!) He was so well behaved. I let him decide which way he wanted to go for the most part, and when we didn't go his way he pulled for a minute, but came along with me. Not one single tantrum.
I wish I could say the same thing for the people around us. There were so many kids throwing insane tantrums. I;m not talking about 3 or 4 year old, who might be excused for being over tired. I'm talking 8 or 9 year olds. They were throwing themselves on the ground or their parents were dragging them. Nathaniel looked at them and said "time out." I thought I would pee my pants laughing.
I also recieved several ocmpliments from other parents on how well behaved Nathaniel was. I admit, I swelled with pride. He really is well behaved. He made the day perfect.
After we had walked for a while, we decided to take the tram for a bit. He was so excited, thinking it would be like the train. It was fun, and relaxing, except I couldn't take my stroller on the tram. SO we had to go all the way around to go get the stroller. But, it did help me decide what else we needed to see, and where the children's zoo was.
So after the tram, we did the children's zoo. Nathaniel liked it because it had low sinks that kids could wash their own hands in. But, I think he was equally as excited when he was brushing the goat or petting the chicken and sheep. (Or yelling "MOOOOO!" at the cows.
Now, it was getiting to be a little bit of a long day, as it was almost 1:45 and we had been walking most of the day. (I know that the day I DON'T take the stroller is the day he will want to ride in it all day.) SO we walked over the the carousel. He has never been on one and I was worried that he wouldn't like it.
I couldn't have been more wrong! He loved it! He rode on the elephant and before the ride even started, he was saying "GO! GO! GO!" It was just awesome.
We left after that, with no whining or crying about toys. (I'm sure that at some point in his life, we will have this problem, as I know he can throw wicked fits.) But he wasn't one of those kids who were riding in the stroller, feet dragging because they're too big for the thing, while their mom carries a baby in her arms.
In the end, we were able to see the entire zoo, and we were there for about 4 1/2 hours. My well behaved little boy made my day so happy and wonderful. He walked with me for about 2 1/2 of those hours, and slept the half hour it took to get home. (yeah, I know.. a half hour. He'll be tired tonight!)
The only thing that could have made it better was if Pat was with. Maybe for Boo! at the Zoo in October.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Who Is That?
When I look at myself in the mirror, I don't know who I see. I feel like I know her name, but I don't really know anything about her. She looks so weak, but I know that she has done many things that take strength. She looks tired, but I know that she will continue working until everything is finished. She looks happy, but I know that she is not.
What the hell is going on with me? Since last week, I certainly have not felt like myself at all. I feel so overwhelmed at the tiniest of things. I get so irritated so quickly (faster than before, if you can believe that!). I don't understand why people make the choices they do.
A prime example: I cleaned out the basement over the weekend. Well, one eyesore in particular. Pat had told me that he would take care of it and after 5 months, I got really tired of seeing it. Most of it was broken down cardboard that could go into the recycling. So, I took all the garbage out of the box, and put in only broken down boxes for the green recycling bin for Wednesday's garbage pick up.
I asked him to take it out and put it in the bin, which is the size of our big garbage can (it hold like 7 garbabge bags). When he came back in, I asked him if he got it in there. He said "I didn't think it would fit, so I didn't put it in."
I just don't get that. So instead of putting some of the cardboard in (to an EMPTY container) you put none, because you thought that it wouldn't all fit???
That is when I became furious! It was like a switch flipped in my brain. It is pissing me off again just writing about it. WTF!?!?!?!?!
I get mad (and hurt again) every time I look at Pat. I know that's not right and that's not normal. I do love him, and God knows he is trying. We went to Michigan City yesterday. He called and asked if we wanted to go once Nathaniel got up from his nap. Since he hadn't gone down yet, we left right after Pat got home. On the way out there, he tried to hold my hand in the car, as we used to do. I just couldn't (because of the pain in looking at him and being with him). Anyway, we finally get out there and his phone rings. It's his dad, who so very conveniently, is on his way to Michigan City. (his uncle and cousin were already out there, at the cottage, when Pat had said "let's just take a drive, the 3 of us.")
So his dad has really incredible timing, huh? Two incidents in less than a week? I don't think so. But here's where Pat is trying. We went to the outlet mall and then went back home. We did not stop and see his family (two of the three would have been ok) but instead went back home. So I know he is at least trying to get it, but I really think that being with his family would be too much for me right now. I feel like they all had a part in his decision and what he wants. Much like my family influenced me and my decisions. But his was so sudden and the hurt is still very real.
So I have decided that after school starts again and things settle down a bit (with that, I don't think they'll ever settle down here) I am going to seek out some counceling. I can't live like this anymore, nor should I have to. I would love to be the happy girl that I used to be. I just hope that when I look in the mirror, I can find her.
What the hell is going on with me? Since last week, I certainly have not felt like myself at all. I feel so overwhelmed at the tiniest of things. I get so irritated so quickly (faster than before, if you can believe that!). I don't understand why people make the choices they do.
A prime example: I cleaned out the basement over the weekend. Well, one eyesore in particular. Pat had told me that he would take care of it and after 5 months, I got really tired of seeing it. Most of it was broken down cardboard that could go into the recycling. So, I took all the garbage out of the box, and put in only broken down boxes for the green recycling bin for Wednesday's garbage pick up.
I asked him to take it out and put it in the bin, which is the size of our big garbage can (it hold like 7 garbabge bags). When he came back in, I asked him if he got it in there. He said "I didn't think it would fit, so I didn't put it in."
I just don't get that. So instead of putting some of the cardboard in (to an EMPTY container) you put none, because you thought that it wouldn't all fit???
That is when I became furious! It was like a switch flipped in my brain. It is pissing me off again just writing about it. WTF!?!?!?!?!
I get mad (and hurt again) every time I look at Pat. I know that's not right and that's not normal. I do love him, and God knows he is trying. We went to Michigan City yesterday. He called and asked if we wanted to go once Nathaniel got up from his nap. Since he hadn't gone down yet, we left right after Pat got home. On the way out there, he tried to hold my hand in the car, as we used to do. I just couldn't (because of the pain in looking at him and being with him). Anyway, we finally get out there and his phone rings. It's his dad, who so very conveniently, is on his way to Michigan City. (his uncle and cousin were already out there, at the cottage, when Pat had said "let's just take a drive, the 3 of us.")
So his dad has really incredible timing, huh? Two incidents in less than a week? I don't think so. But here's where Pat is trying. We went to the outlet mall and then went back home. We did not stop and see his family (two of the three would have been ok) but instead went back home. So I know he is at least trying to get it, but I really think that being with his family would be too much for me right now. I feel like they all had a part in his decision and what he wants. Much like my family influenced me and my decisions. But his was so sudden and the hurt is still very real.
So I have decided that after school starts again and things settle down a bit (with that, I don't think they'll ever settle down here) I am going to seek out some counceling. I can't live like this anymore, nor should I have to. I would love to be the happy girl that I used to be. I just hope that when I look in the mirror, I can find her.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
So Hurt
I couldn't even write last night when this happened because I was just too shocked, too emotional, and too mad.
I have been wanting to have another child for a little over a year, and Pat and I had discussed it for a long time. He wasn't sure, and kept coming up with reasons not to have another one. But for every one of his reasons not to, I had a reason to go ahead and do it. We started trying last June, when Nathaniel was a year old. No luck in June, July, August, September or October. We stopped trying in November, as it was becoming difficult to see those negative tests every month.
Imagine my surprise when I got a postive in February. We had stopped trying (partly because Pat wasn't working) so it was an even bigger surprise than I thought. There was honestly a part of me that didn't want to get pregnant then. We were just getting settled in our house. Nathaniel was very settled in his role as the center of the universe. I wasn't sure if I wanted to disrupt everything he has ever known.
But, being selfish, I did want to give him a brother or sister.
I look at what Pat has to go through with his dad. He is the only one caring for that man. When my Dad was sick, there were more people to help with the care. We shared the responsibility, the grief, the joy. There is no one to help out for Pat.
I don't want Nathaniel to carry the burden of caring for both of us. So having another child would do that.
OK, this got way off topic, but I guess it's ok, since I am allowed to ramble when I want to.
So, on July 4th, I got a positive on my OPK (ovulation predictor kit). That means that somewhere in the next 12 to 48 hours, I would ovulate. Now, as everyone knows, you have to have sex to get pregnant. We did twice on the 4th, but when I wanted to last night (on the 5th) he said no. Then he started talking abhout how he was scared to have more kids and how we can't afford it and all this other bullshit.
I was just so stunned. This came out of nowhere. We had talked after the misscariage and we had agreed that we would try again once the there mnths were up. I am so hurt. I feel like he's been lying to me for the past 4 months. How do I continue?
What if I get pregnant during this cycle? Will he still love the baby? Will he be happy? I know that he will accept and love a baby if we were to have another one. It's the stupidest thing I've ever had run through my head, but it's still there. Because he hurt me so bad last night, worrying if we have another child it won't be as wonderful as Nathaniel is.
He said it didn't have anything to do with the comment his dad made, but I'm wondering if that's the truth. Who knows what else he's been lying about? I am just so crushed.
I have been wanting to have another child for a little over a year, and Pat and I had discussed it for a long time. He wasn't sure, and kept coming up with reasons not to have another one. But for every one of his reasons not to, I had a reason to go ahead and do it. We started trying last June, when Nathaniel was a year old. No luck in June, July, August, September or October. We stopped trying in November, as it was becoming difficult to see those negative tests every month.
Imagine my surprise when I got a postive in February. We had stopped trying (partly because Pat wasn't working) so it was an even bigger surprise than I thought. There was honestly a part of me that didn't want to get pregnant then. We were just getting settled in our house. Nathaniel was very settled in his role as the center of the universe. I wasn't sure if I wanted to disrupt everything he has ever known.
But, being selfish, I did want to give him a brother or sister.
I look at what Pat has to go through with his dad. He is the only one caring for that man. When my Dad was sick, there were more people to help with the care. We shared the responsibility, the grief, the joy. There is no one to help out for Pat.
I don't want Nathaniel to carry the burden of caring for both of us. So having another child would do that.
OK, this got way off topic, but I guess it's ok, since I am allowed to ramble when I want to.
So, on July 4th, I got a positive on my OPK (ovulation predictor kit). That means that somewhere in the next 12 to 48 hours, I would ovulate. Now, as everyone knows, you have to have sex to get pregnant. We did twice on the 4th, but when I wanted to last night (on the 5th) he said no. Then he started talking abhout how he was scared to have more kids and how we can't afford it and all this other bullshit.
I was just so stunned. This came out of nowhere. We had talked after the misscariage and we had agreed that we would try again once the there mnths were up. I am so hurt. I feel like he's been lying to me for the past 4 months. How do I continue?
What if I get pregnant during this cycle? Will he still love the baby? Will he be happy? I know that he will accept and love a baby if we were to have another one. It's the stupidest thing I've ever had run through my head, but it's still there. Because he hurt me so bad last night, worrying if we have another child it won't be as wonderful as Nathaniel is.
He said it didn't have anything to do with the comment his dad made, but I'm wondering if that's the truth. Who knows what else he's been lying about? I am just so crushed.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
It Just Ain't Gonna Happen
There's just no way that I will be able to complete everything on my list... specifically the forgive and forget. I have tried really hard to make Pat happy and forgive and forget. But I can't do it. I am so hurt and so mad at what he (not Pat) said to me today.
First of all, we were trying to put Nathaniel down for a nap when the doorbell rang. It was the back door and that could only have been one person. Don't come opver between the hours of 1 and 3 in the afternoon. It's naptime. Plain and simple. Everyone understands this but him.
So I opened the back door and told him he could come in. I left to go get Pat to tell him the door was for him, and then I told Nathaniel to go play with the visitor. I came out into the living room, which has a few of Nathaniel's toys on the floor- stuff that Pat had given him to play with before we left this morning. Pat didn't clean up anything, which, while not ideal, is life with a toddler.
Nathaniel decided to show off all his toys that were in his reach, because he wanted his grandpa to play with him. (He wouldn't, which is his loss. My dad would have.) Then he proceeds to tell me that Pat told him what the doctor said. I asked what he meant and he said that even though to doctor tells me Nathaniel is smart, he's not growing. I was furious! Nathaniel was tiny when he was born, and had to wear preemie clothes. He is 2 years old and wears a 2T. That's EXACTLY where he is supposed to be! There is nothing wrong with his size.
But it hurt me so bad. I don't care what you say about me, but don't you fucking dare say something negative about my son. What are you saying, asshole? That there's something wrong with your one and only grandson?
I was just so pissed I stopped talking. So he turned his attention to the floor of our living room. Apparently, all we need to do is to teach Nathaniel to pick up his clothes. No shit, asswipe. I wish I had thought of this genius bit of knowledge. My life would be so easy. I'd never have to pick things up again ever! So, not only is my son too short for his grandfather, he is lazy too (or has bad parents).
I am so sad and hurt that this asshole came over and critisized me TODAY of all days really jsut hurt. My dad would have been so proud of Nathaniel for any and all accomplishments he has. He wouldn't have told me that he is too small or that something must be wrong. He would've said how proud he is to have such an incredible grandson, even though he has others.
But I don't have my dad anymore. Nathaniel doesn't have his Bumpa anymore. All he has is an asshat who only sees the negative in life, and shows that nothing will ever be good enough for him. I really hate him now.
First of all, we were trying to put Nathaniel down for a nap when the doorbell rang. It was the back door and that could only have been one person. Don't come opver between the hours of 1 and 3 in the afternoon. It's naptime. Plain and simple. Everyone understands this but him.
So I opened the back door and told him he could come in. I left to go get Pat to tell him the door was for him, and then I told Nathaniel to go play with the visitor. I came out into the living room, which has a few of Nathaniel's toys on the floor- stuff that Pat had given him to play with before we left this morning. Pat didn't clean up anything, which, while not ideal, is life with a toddler.
Nathaniel decided to show off all his toys that were in his reach, because he wanted his grandpa to play with him. (He wouldn't, which is his loss. My dad would have.) Then he proceeds to tell me that Pat told him what the doctor said. I asked what he meant and he said that even though to doctor tells me Nathaniel is smart, he's not growing. I was furious! Nathaniel was tiny when he was born, and had to wear preemie clothes. He is 2 years old and wears a 2T. That's EXACTLY where he is supposed to be! There is nothing wrong with his size.
But it hurt me so bad. I don't care what you say about me, but don't you fucking dare say something negative about my son. What are you saying, asshole? That there's something wrong with your one and only grandson?
I was just so pissed I stopped talking. So he turned his attention to the floor of our living room. Apparently, all we need to do is to teach Nathaniel to pick up his clothes. No shit, asswipe. I wish I had thought of this genius bit of knowledge. My life would be so easy. I'd never have to pick things up again ever! So, not only is my son too short for his grandfather, he is lazy too (or has bad parents).
I am so sad and hurt that this asshole came over and critisized me TODAY of all days really jsut hurt. My dad would have been so proud of Nathaniel for any and all accomplishments he has. He wouldn't have told me that he is too small or that something must be wrong. He would've said how proud he is to have such an incredible grandson, even though he has others.
But I don't have my dad anymore. Nathaniel doesn't have his Bumpa anymore. All he has is an asshat who only sees the negative in life, and shows that nothing will ever be good enough for him. I really hate him now.
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