Halloween Pictures

In one of the pictures, you can see the pumpkin. A squirrel has been munching on it.

Feeling so Down Today

I have tried being patient. I have tried being impatient. Neither have worked for me. I am exhausted and beaten down. I feel like life has beaten me in this game. I guess "life" stacks the odds in its favor, huh? I am not quite sad, not quite depressed, or mad, or even worthless. Just beaten.

I was talking to a friend and she asked if I could take a day off for myself. No, I can't. First off, I have missed 4 1/2 days this month alone. That's too many. Second, even if I did take a day off, I would have to be quiet so that Pat could sleep. So what's the point?

I don't like this feeling and I want it to change. Ugh.

Can't Wait for Tomorrow

I am so glad that tomorrow is Friday. Even though it's Parent-Teacher conferences and I won't get home until 8:30 pm. But it will be Friday.

And Nathaniel should be feeling better by then. Yesterday, when I picked him up at school, his teachers told me that he was complaining that his right ear hurt, and that he had been pulling on it. I called the doc immediately, and we got in.

Turns out he doesn't have an ear infection, (yay!) but he is so congested that it is hurting him. SO we are using a nebulizer 7 times a day, benadryl, flonase and will go to antibiotics tomorrow if he's not doing better.

All this good news for the low economic price of $140! Seriously??? A hundered and forty bucks!!!! Throw in what we paid to pick up pizza since it was 6:30 before we got out of the doctor and I spent $170 to find out my poor baby is sick.

But, he's gained half a pound in 4 months (I think I did that with just the pizza last night) and has grown a little over half an inch.

Today is the 26th.

Just typing the title of this post made me cry, because I know what's after the title. Pain.

Today would have been the latest I would have been allowed to go in my pregnancy that I lost in March. To think that today I would have been holding my second tiny baby.

I know that there are people who will read this post and think "Jesus, get over it." and to a degree, they're right. But for right now, fuck 'em. They have obviously never lost a child that they loved from the moment they knew about it.

Some people who read this will know that this was my second loss, and wonder why this one upsets me more than the first. Know that it doesn't. I feel this way every May 12th (when I found out) May 19th (when I lost it) and January 6th (it's due date).

The difference between the two is that I was pregnant with Nathaniel on January 6th. I am not pregnant now.

I hope that anyone reading this will send up a prayer for me and my family, just so that I can have the strength to get through the day. I am at peace with what happened, but I am still allowed to grieve.

And grieve I must. Please don't think that I don't know full well how blessed I already am. I do. Everytime I get a knee to my eye or a small foot in my back during the night, I do smile. (Sometimes after I get mad, but it's still there.) When I look at the mess that is my living room, I get exasperated, but I wouldn't trade that toy mess for anything. Same goes for the spots all over the carpet. The applesauce stains... the rice that dried to the carpet... the spaghetti sauce on the chair. (I know that makes me sound like a bad housekeeper, but I don't care what you think. My family knows I love them. Besides, the dishes are done, so there.)

I have come to terms with being "one and done," but it doesn't lessen the pain that I am feeling today.

If you've read this, and know someone who has gone through a miscarriage, say a short prayer for them today too. There is a part of them that will never be whole again.

I Love This Face

I just can't resist this face!



He is such a joy to me, even when he makes this face:



More to love:

Innocent Comments and George Harrison

Ugh. I knew it was going to be a bad day today, but damn. I feel like I've been hit by a bus.

It started so innocently. I was dropping off Nathaniel at school today and his teachers asked me when I was going to have another one. Yeah. The answer should have been "Wednesday!" with a big smile. But it's not.

Cue the tears. I fought them off until I got to the car, and then lost it. I left the parking lot, but had to pull over down the street. I couldn't see through the tears. Why did they pick today to ask this???????? Today I would be 38w3d, the exact gestational day that Nathaniel was born.

I sat in my car for a few minutes, trying to collect myself. I asked God to please let me hear some uplifting music on the radio, as I knew I needed something before I got to work with my tear-stained face.

Thank you God for George Harrison. I love the song "Set on You." It ahs always cheered me up. (Maybe not as much as I needed it to, but it worked a smidge.) I rolled down the window and sang it as loud as I could. I know exactly why I did that. It was to drive my own thoughts out of my head.

But, this time I know it's for real... that feeling that I feel. And I know it will take time and money, (wink wink) but I know that eventually, I will be more whole again. I just have to make it through next week.

Please, let me get through it...

Searching For More

I am no fool. I know that God has blessed me many times over. More than I deserve, in fact. So why I am searching for more? Why is it that I don't feel like I'm enough? Why do I feel like I'm not doing enough??

I know that when I come home after a long day of work, I have another long day of work ahead of me (until he's sound asleep). I wouldn't change that for anything! It truly is the best part of my day, until the morning comes and I get the sleepy smile with the "Hi, Mommy!"

But something seems to be missing lately. I don't know what it is.

I go shopping, thinking that it will keep me for a while... you know, fill the void with "stuff."

I eat, and we all know how that turns out for me.

I try to do good for others. I am getting ready to go Christmas shopping for other people so that they can be happy. If I can make one kid happy this holiday, will that be enough for me?

If I buy a ton of food (and by ton, I mean a lot, not 2,000 pounds) for our food drive at school, will that be enough for me?

What is at the core of me that is just out of my reach? When will I accomplish all that I set out to do? When will enough be enough?

I Learned Something Today

Turkey club sandwiches on jalepeno and cheese bagels are AWESOME!!!!!

Nathaniel wanted to go to the muffin store yesterday, but we didn't have any time. We had some extra time this morning, so we went. He got his usual chocolate muffin, and I got my lunch. Pat got 2 blueberry muffins, because he was able to go with too! So nice when that happens.

Anyway, I ordered my sandwich, knowing that I wouldn't have time to eat it until lunch, but let me tell you. It is good! I am trying to watch the carbs, but this is split between breakfast and lunch, so number wise I am ok. I just should have eaten half at breakfast and half at lunch.

Tonight, I am grilling steak and corn on the cob. I'll probably make a potato for Pat, but plan on filling my plate with veggies. I am trying really hard with the carb thing. I am doing better. I am eating eggs for breakfast, a bowl of honey nut cheerios for lunch, and then a moderately healthy dinner. Today I had yogurt for breakfast and the bagel for lunch, so I really have to avoid those carbs for dinner.

I would also like to cut out the caffeine. The only time I was ever successful with that was when I was pregnant with Nathaniel. oh, how those first few days without it hurt! The withdrawal headaches were killer! But I know I don't need that in my life. The only time it gets diffiuclt is when we go out to eat. What else do you drink when you don't drink pop or alcohol? I can't do lemonade or tea, because it's not diet (too much sugar). And I feel like I'm 5 when I order milk. So water it is. Maybe I should carry some Crystal light packs with me to have flavored water. Hmm...

Um, how did my bagel sandwich get me here? I think I'm losing my mind nd I am sure it's only going to get worse. Oh well.

100th Entry

Really? Is that all? It seems like I've been pouring my heart out here for a lot longer than 100 posts. Wait... TV shows get a huge cake when they hit 100 episodes. Where's my cake? Maybe next week, on my birthday.

Jeez, I'm going to be 37 next week. When did I get that old? I mean, it's not old, but wasn't I just 25 a few weeks back? I still can't believe how much my life has changed in the past few years, but to say that I'm close to 40. I have a young child at home... how could I be in my late 30's?

OK, this wasn't supposed to be a birthday vent. This is a celebration post.

100 entries about stuff no one gives a shit about.

100 entries about paying off my debt (which is going pretty well, I might add).

100 entries about how much I love my family (or hate them, depending on my mood).

100 entries about how this time the diet will work. (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!)

100 entries about the 101 things I will do in 1,001 days. If I had done one for every post, I would be just about done, but I am nowhere near it.

I do enjoy writting in this blog though. It gives me space to be me, whether you like it or not. It gives me the space I need to get stuff off my chest, so that I don't explode. I feel like this is my chance to talk to other adults, since I don't get to do that every day (even when Pat comes home before bed!)

It gives me the opportunity to do something while I wait. (And I am waiting again...)

Hopefully I haven't bored anyone to death and if I have, it will do no good to apologize now, so I won't. You know, cuz you're dead and stopped reading this long ago. You wouldn't read my apology anyway.

I am very proud of myself for the things I have aaccomplished this year. I am on a road to financial recovery, and I am in a much better mental state because I can swear as much as I want to when I am here. I get things off my chest and I confide in you, dear reader, things I would probably never say aloud. You can say them to me, and I will run and delete and then deny it, but whatevs.

Bottom line: I feel like Popeye. I am what I am and that's all that I am. I am free here, and no one can take that from me.

(And just so you know, even though the blog count says 95, I have a few entries that I never finished, so this is technically my 100th. Maybe that's why there's no cake!)

Heard That Damn Song

I heard "Say What You Need to Say" when I was getting breakfast with Nathaniel this morning, and just lost it. I was crying in the middle of Great American Bagel. I'm sure I looked like a lunatic, but I really didn't care. That song just hurts so much.

I know that if I had given birth to that child, I wouldn't have my wonderful Nathaniel. But hearing it now, so close to what would have been my surgery date for a second C-section, just killed me today. (The surgery would have been in the next week and a half.)

So, as I was crying (and it was harder out in the parking lot) I asked my sweet angel for a hug and kiss. He gave it to me and said "Make you happy?" Of course he did. I know in my head and in my heart and in every part of my being that Nathaniel was the child I was meant to have. But sometimes that hurt is still there. Hearing that song ripped the scab off, and made me cry.

Gratitude

You know, every once in a while, I look at my life and just thank God for all that I have.

My family is healthy. Yes, Nathaniel had the flu last Thursday, and I got it Friday night, and Pat is currently in bed with it now, but none of us has had to go to the hospital. None of us have anything majorly wrong with us. (diabetes aside)

We have enough food to eat. Maybe we're not eating steak every night, or going out to eat three times a week like we used to, but we're not going to starve. We know there will always be a meal on our table. There are many people who don't have that security.

We can pay our bills. Yes, taxes suck ass, and insurance bills are high, but I know that we can pay them. We have a small amount of money in our savings, and it will be enough. Next year, when we get our tax refund, we can put that money back in savings and up what we pay to our escrow. Lesson learned the hard way. We may not have all the things that our friends have, and our house may not be as big as some, but I don't want to pay to heat or cool a house that big. (And no, BFF, I am not referring to your house.) And maybe I can't get myself or my family a ton of "stuff" for Christmas, but there are presents in the garage and Pat's closet. But, my house is full of love.

I have enough time for what's important. My house is a mess, and I feel like I have no time to ever get it clean, but I know that Nathaniel knows I love him. He knows that when he asks "Mommy, come to the kitchen wif me" (yes, wif) to play with his magnet letters and numbers, I will be on the dirty floor right next to him. I think about all the stuff I wanted to get done on the day I stayed home with Nathaniel when he was sick, but I gladly spent 4 hours with him lying in my arms since he was comfortable (and not puking).

I have a husband who loves me. I cannot express how wonderful that one thing is. To have someone in the world that knows all about me, has seen me at my best and worst, has seen me naked and still loves me anyway is just incredible. TMI ALERT I mean, the guy once wiped my butt for me because I couldn't turn around. (It was right after I had the C-section.)

I know that our realationship is a two way street. I know that Pat would do anything for me, just as he knows I would do the same for him. For example, today, although I had a whopping 3 hours of sleep last night, I picked up Pat because he was too sick to drive back to the garage to drop off his truck. It was right in the middle of naptime, and I was asleep. Did I hesitate? Nope. He needed me and I was there for him. (So glad Nathaniel and I didn't go to the zoo!!!)

I have some very good friends that will never fall by the wayside. I don't know where I would be without my best friend, and I hope that she feels the same. She knows my deepest issues and I know hers. I can't even explain how valueable she is. She is my sounding board, and I am hers. Even though we live far apart and are at two different points in our lives, we can still relate. I worry that the things I confide in her about hurt her, since some of those things are things she wants, but she always assures me that is not the case. I hope that some day (soon!) she gets her heart's desire.

Indeed, I have a lot to be grateful for.

Eye Doc, Bills, and "Hookey"

I went to the eye doctor yesterday. For the past few days, there has been an irritant in my left eye. I was afraid that it was a shard of glass from when my vase broke on Sunday. Fortunately, he didn't see anything in my eye. However, my body is reacting to something, sending white blood cells to my eye, forming little white bumps under my eyelid. So I have antibiotics for the next week, as well as warm compresses for the next five days or so.

Immediately after the first dose of antibiotics, my eye started feeling better. Thank God for that, but I can't wear my contacts for a week, which blows. We were planning to go away this weekend to Starved Rock. How am I going to spend an entire weekend outside without sunglasses?? Well, the mail took care of that worry.

After getting home from the doctor, (an unexpected $50 spent- when you include my lunch at Panda Express since I had to wait for my prescription) I got the mail. In the mail was the gas bill, the cable bill, the water bill, a red light ticket for Pat, and the tax bill. Now we can afford to pay all these bills, but there goes our vacation. I am most afraid of the tax bill. We don't have enough in our escrow to cover that. We are short about $600. How does the second installment of taxes double from the first installment? It's the 2010 bill, not even this year! I have no idea how this will impact our mortgage payments. That really worries me.

It's not like we went out and found a house that was way overpriced and that we knew we coulnd't afford. We knew exactly what we could afford and that's what we bought. So why do I have the feeling that we are in financial dire straits? Plus, when Pat figures this out (or if I tell him why I am so freaked) there is no way he will agree to have another child... or even try.

I really, really want that. Even if we don't have another baby, I want to try until the end of this year. That way, I can say I did everything I could to have another one.

I accept what is, but I can't help but worry about it anyway. Is there anything that I can do to change what is? No. Will worrying about it take it away? No.

After this weekend, some of my other stressors will be gone. I am staying home today (to rest my eye, hence the hookey) and I am hoping to get my Spanish final done as well as the rest of the thank you notes from Pat's dads funeral. Get that monkey off my back once and for all. I also want to go shopping for groceries for next week, since I took the money out of the bank this morning. I know that I'll spend it on other stuff if it stays in my wallet. I also have to get a few birthday cards and an anniversary card.

I have nothing to give to Pat for our anniversary, and that makes me feel like crap. He doesn't understnad why it bothers me so much. I know that I provide him with dinner every night, and he has clean clothes and a place to lay his head every night. But I would do that for him anyway. How do I show him that I really and truly do love him? I know that the actions of the other 364 days show him that, but our anniversary is such a special day to me. I'm sure I'll come up with something. Maybe just bake another apple pie.

Super Mom I'm Not

I love my mom to death, but man she makes me feel so incompetent. She comes over to baby sit, and in the 2 hours she has Nathaniel, she has time to play with him, do the dishes, and clean off my kitchen counter.

I am with him every afternoon, and all we ever get to do it play and make a bigger mess. I never feel like I get a chance to clean up the house. I don't regret the time spent playing with Nathaniel, but I get so backed up with everything else. By the time he goes to bed, I am purely exhausted. I end up falling asleep myself, usually around 8:30. What kind of life is that?

I also have a facebook friend who makes me feel like super sloth. She has a 2 year old daughter, just a few weeks younger than Nathaniel, but she gets some much done during the day. I am just in awe of her, too. She's a stay at home mom, but I know how crazy that can be, so it's not like she's got tons of time to get everything done herself, but always manages to do it. Mom too.

I know I can't keep comparing myself to everyone else. (Especially since the FB friend is in her early 20's, as was my mom when she had all her kids, and I am in my -gulp- mid to late 30's.)

I did manage to get some stuff done today. I took the two leaves out of the table and turned it back into a table for 4. I vacuumed the living room and dining room, did a load of dishes, baked a pie, went grocery shopping for all of next week, got some Christmas shopping done, took out the garbage, sorted the recycling and cleaned the kitchen counter.

I guess when I look back on this time of my life, I will say that I spent it the right way... with Nathaniel, developing our relationship and fostering his love for reading and education. (OK, it's my hope.) I know that I'll never regret spending the time with him instead of cleaning, I just wish I could be a super mom like so many others seem to be.