Life is Starting Over

I went to the doctor two weeks ago for a regular check up. I had to do some blood work, which was no surprise. What was surprising was the results. I have really high cholesterol. I'm now taking medication for it and eating foods that I should have been eating all along. (I'll go into that later.) But when the nurse called me, she gave me some wrong information. The number she gave me for my cholesterol was so high that I would be dead in 5 years. Before my sweet girl is in second grade, I would be dead. Before my wonderful boy would be in 5th grade, they would put me in the ground.

So I am taking steps to make sure that doesn't happen. And I really have been eating healthier. I usually have a green smoothie for breakfast. It has fruit, oatmeal, almonds, flax, and spinach. I make it with almond milk. It has no cholesterol in it and it's packed with nutrients. And they taste really good.

Lunches have been salads with chicken, but the sauce I love to use on my chicken has a bit too much sodium for my own good. I compensate with water, but I know that I can do better.

Dinner is easy. I start off with a big ass salad, then move to my proteins and veggies, and if I am still hungry, a little bit of carbs.

So for two weeks, I have been trying to change my life, one meal at a time. And the crazy thing is I think I'm doing it! I had a double cheeseburger last weekend, as we agreed that we'd have one splurge day a week. It made me sick. I had a Valentine's day date with Nathaniel and I ate a chocolate cupcake. I ain't gonna lie- that shit was good going down. But I felt so sick after eating it that I don't want any again. I haven't had any bacon, but I have had cheese. But I don't eat nearly as much as I used to. I am making huge progress with my eating. Now I just have to get off my ass.

I want to get an elliptical and put it in the basement. I can go down there and get some alone time and some exercise. Big bonus with that alone time. Just put the ipod on and go. Or, since there's a tv and dvd player, throw in a movie and start. I know that I can do it. I really have no choice left. You want to hear something really crazy? I am loving this healthy food. I have never felt better, although part of that could be the anti-depressant I'm taking. I've even managed to not start my day with a pepsi.

But honestly, the best part of this whole thing is that my kids are eating better. Fruit with every meal, and every color of the rainbow. They're still picky about veggies, but I try not to worry too much because of the fruit.

Now on to my next challenge- 15 weeks from tomorrow is June 1st. For the next 15 weeks I am focusing wholly on my self and my health. I will not be weighing myself for those 15 weeks (which will be a damn hard habit to break), and instead focus on how I am feeling and how my clothes (don't) fit. I look forward to sharing this challenge with others, and I won't be alone doing it, which helps. My sister will be doing it with me. In 6 weeks, I go back for a repeat cholesterol test. By then I want to rock that test. This challenge will really help me with that.

Long Time Coming

Deep Breath. Deep Breath. Deep Breath. I can get through this entry without going crazy, crying, or getting angry. Deep Breath. Deep Breath. Deep Breath.

Where to even start? Since my last entry, I have found life to be increasingly difficult to manage. It has not been easy having my sister and nephew here with us. Some days are ok, but most I just trudge through. I have to admit, I hate having them here. I wish they were gone. I just want my old life back. And of course saying that makes me feel like crap and fills me with guilt.

But I am so tired of being the one that people just assume is going to take care of everyone else. When Jess left, she left on a Wednesday. My mom went out of town that weekend, and never even considered staying home to make sure her youngest child (and a grandchild) would be alright. Never even considered it. I can guess why. One, because my nephew would break stuff at their house (I know this for a fact since it's happened here many times over) and two, because Joi will take care of everything. Because I have no choice in the matter.

Shit gets dumped on me all the time. Mom needs and appetizer for a party so she calls me. Jess needs a ride to court, they call me. Someone needs money, they call me. Where the fuck am I supposed to get any money? I am UNEMPLOYED!!!!

I had adjusted fairly well to being home. Until my life got flipped again by the extras. We had an agreement that she would do the dishes. Why do I have to keep reminding her to do them? She's 36 fucking years old!!!! I have to suggest that she takes a shower or bathe her kid. We'll never use the sheets that she's been using for the past three months, because they've only been washed once. Why should I have to fucking tell her. The washer and dryer are across the hall from the room they use (which stinks, by the way) and I only use it 4 days a week. That leaves 3 das for her to do her laundry, Larry's laundry, and their sheets and towels.

And the kid himself drives me up a fucking wall. He never listens, runs through the house, painted on Nathaniel's easel, has broken numerous toys, and lies, screams, and whines like there's no tomorrow. (Jess used to blame it on visiting his dad for the weekend, but he hasn't gone for three weeks and the kids is still an asshole. What's your excuse now?) I have no patience for it.

I'm hoping that things will get better soon. December simply sucked, and I love December. Christmas is my favorite day of the year. I plan activities for the entire Advent season. I work my tail off to make it incredible for my kids. I leave the decorations up until MLK day.

Not this year. I did the Advent calendar, and we did most of the activities I had planned, but I found no joy in them. No magic. I took down the decorations and ditched the tree on the 27th. I just wanted it all to go away. I felt hopeless, helpless, and lost. So I talked with Pat. That was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Admitting that something was out of control. He said that I should call my doctor, so I did, once I had insurance again, which was Jan. 1.

They couldn't see me until the end of the month. (I'm still waiting to see her, actually.) in the mean time, I confessed how miserable I've been to the ladies on my birth month club. They suggested a few places to call and to see a counselor or doctor. I've always felt like I've had depression, as is evidenced by many posts here and my past journal collection. So I called the one doctor that I could find that would accept my insurance. They had an opening Feb. 14th.

I just broke down and cried. I knew I needed help, as I felt like I could snap and hurt someone and I had said in front of my kids that it would be better if I just stuck a gun in my mouth and pulled the trigger. Fortunately, they had a cancellation and I was able to go about a week ago.

After speaking with the doctor and describing all the other things that were going on, she diagnosed me with anxiety and depression. I am now medicated for it. I just started my second week of meds, and I will be starting counseling around the end of February. I am hoping that the meds will work, but I don't have the positive attitude about that as I did last week. I just want to feel better, and I think a large part of that is losing two extra people who suck up what little patience I have.

so that's where we are. And to show just how much people think that I can handle everything without support, when I told my mom I was taking an anti-depressant, she simply said "I know what it is." (I had told her the name of the drug, and that it was an anti-D.) No how long has this been going on? no is there anything we can do? nothing. Just and "Oh" and "I know what it is."

Thanks for nothing mom.

Day One... I'm dead

So I have made a commitment to my online mom's group and will be doing the 30 day shred every day in September (except for the first. I didn't find the DVD until late afternoon.). I did it this morning. I thought I was going to die. At some points in the workout, I wanted to. It was 20 minutes of pure fucking hell.

But I did it!! I threw up twice, but I did it! I went to 7-11 afterwards and got a banana and a diet pepsi. I figured I had EARNED that pop. And to be honest, I threw up once I was in the shower. I can't quite describe how proud of myself I am. Not just for getting through it, but for doing it at all.

I woke up this morning around 7:30, which was so nice. No one was up yet. I figured that the kids would sleep until 8, and Pat won't wake up until the bomb goes off, so I was going to get up and get it done. You know, start the day off really shitty and then it gets better from there.

But that's not what happened. When I was in the bathroom, Veronica woke up and Pat went to go get her. As he did, Nathaniel woke up. Everyone was awake and my I-only-need-20-minutes-to-get-this-done was gone. I know me. There was no way I was going to exercise in front of Pat. (I think it's a fear that he will realize just how fat and unattractive I am and leave, although I know that won't happen.) But I hate it. I want the acknowledgement of pride from people, but I don't want them to see the ugly part. I brought back tons of teen years angst and a feeling of never being good enough. So I now had the perfect excuse to not do it. And I knew it!

Fate intervened and Pat went out to mow the lawn after breakfast. For a while, I sat on my ass watching tv (food network, ironically). But then I thought, he's outside, he won't know. So I put in the DVD. Nathaniel exercised with me for a while, which made me happy. He was having fun. He liked the butt kicks. He cracked himself up kicking his own butt. I love that he was excited.

So, later today, I am going to have Pat take some pictures of me as my before, God help me. October 1st, I will have him take some more, for after pics. I'm really looking forward to it. (And if I'm to tell the truth, mid October I will be going to my old school and seeing the teachers. I'd really love to be down some pounds by then. I want to know that I look great and I want to feel that I look great and I want them to acknowledge how good I am doing without them.)

Eye Doc, Bills, and "Hookey"

I went to the eye doctor yesterday. For the past few days, there has been an irritant in my left eye. I was afraid that it was a shard of glass from when my vase broke on Sunday. Fortunately, he didn't see anything in my eye. However, my body is reacting to something, sending white blood cells to my eye, forming little white bumps under my eyelid. So I have antibiotics for the next week, as well as warm compresses for the next five days or so.

Immediately after the first dose of antibiotics, my eye started feeling better. Thank God for that, but I can't wear my contacts for a week, which blows. We were planning to go away this weekend to Starved Rock. How am I going to spend an entire weekend outside without sunglasses?? Well, the mail took care of that worry.

After getting home from the doctor, (an unexpected $50 spent- when you include my lunch at Panda Express since I had to wait for my prescription) I got the mail. In the mail was the gas bill, the cable bill, the water bill, a red light ticket for Pat, and the tax bill. Now we can afford to pay all these bills, but there goes our vacation. I am most afraid of the tax bill. We don't have enough in our escrow to cover that. We are short about $600. How does the second installment of taxes double from the first installment? It's the 2010 bill, not even this year! I have no idea how this will impact our mortgage payments. That really worries me.

It's not like we went out and found a house that was way overpriced and that we knew we coulnd't afford. We knew exactly what we could afford and that's what we bought. So why do I have the feeling that we are in financial dire straits? Plus, when Pat figures this out (or if I tell him why I am so freaked) there is no way he will agree to have another child... or even try.

I really, really want that. Even if we don't have another baby, I want to try until the end of this year. That way, I can say I did everything I could to have another one.

I accept what is, but I can't help but worry about it anyway. Is there anything that I can do to change what is? No. Will worrying about it take it away? No.

After this weekend, some of my other stressors will be gone. I am staying home today (to rest my eye, hence the hookey) and I am hoping to get my Spanish final done as well as the rest of the thank you notes from Pat's dads funeral. Get that monkey off my back once and for all. I also want to go shopping for groceries for next week, since I took the money out of the bank this morning. I know that I'll spend it on other stuff if it stays in my wallet. I also have to get a few birthday cards and an anniversary card.

I have nothing to give to Pat for our anniversary, and that makes me feel like crap. He doesn't understnad why it bothers me so much. I know that I provide him with dinner every night, and he has clean clothes and a place to lay his head every night. But I would do that for him anyway. How do I show him that I really and truly do love him? I know that the actions of the other 364 days show him that, but our anniversary is such a special day to me. I'm sure I'll come up with something. Maybe just bake another apple pie.

A Chance to Sit and Think

I finally have a moment to reflect on the past few days/weeks. I have this as I struggle with my own guilt. I took (sent) Nathaniel back to day care a week early. I know that he was bored with just being with me, so I am glad that he's back with other kids... but I feel so guilt for being home when he's not here. It makes me feel like a failure. Like I am not a great mom (or even a good mom) because I couldn't spend the whole summer with him. I have (and had) so much that I needed to get done this summer, and not of it has been accomplished. So that is what I will be doing this week. I have things planned as a list for every day this week. I'm looking forward to cleaning and getting rid of a bunch of old things. But that will come later. First, I need to clean out my own head.

First, my sister came to visit. I love when she comes to town. She stays here with us, and I take her to my mom's and shopping, etc. It's a good time, and Nathaniel loves to have comapny. However, this time was different. I got really sick... no, not of her but of the way we eat when we are together. I know my weaknesses and she knows hers. But there is something so almost disfunctional about us being together. We eat horribly. After only 2 days, I was so sick and felt like absolute garbage. I guess I came to Jesus again. I can't eat like that.

We enable each other. That needs to stop for both our sakes. I really hope that the next time she visits, I am a stronger person and can refuse the foods that she can only get here. (Especially since I had just gone to the doctor and I know better!)

Another thing that's been weighing on my mind has been my quest for another child. I have said it a million times before that if Nathaniel was the only child I ever have, then I am far more blessed than I ever deserved to be. I truly do believe that. I have come to terms with the fact that he will be my only child. I lvoe him, and I want him to have everything he needs. Right now, we can do that. I know (hope) that I meet all his emotional, physical, and mental needs. But if he's our only, I can meet his financial needs too.

It's not all about the money. I don't mean for it to sound like that. But there is a certain sense of peace that comes with knowing that he doesn't have to been saddled with student loans when he graduates from college. Or knowing that he won't have to work full time so that he can focus on his education.

I also (selfishly) really like being able to sleep again. I wouldn't be able to do that with another newborn. And I remember how incredibly difficult it was for the first 6 months of his life. Yes, I loved him like crazy, but I couldn't and didn't adjust well. So again, I am at peace with being one and done.

And speaking of that, we were able to go out this weekend and buy him his new big boy bed. He is getting a full size bed, and we are so excited about redoing his room. OK, I am excited. Pat just goes along with it. I will be taking pictures soon.

Another part of my brain decluttering was physically decluttering. I got rid of almost all of Nathaniel's baby clothes, all the bottles, and a lot of the toys. I still have the high chair and the crib, and the crib will be harder for me to pass on to someone else. I am hoping to sell it. We're not ready to get rid of the changing table yet, but hopefully by Christmas.

I have also Have been shopping quite a bit lately. I really want to lose weight, but I've gone ahead and accpeted that my shape has changed and things aren't in the same place they used to be since having N.) The pants that I just bought are a size bigger than most of the pants I own. It makes me feel like shit, but it also makes me more comfortable. I accept myself (most days) and I am hoping that even though I went up a size, I can still be attractive and healthy.

Ah, yes, healthy. Granted, it's only 10:15 am, but I have followed Atkins all morning. Even when I didn't want to. I was so ready to stop at Burger King or McDonalds to grab breakfast this morning, but I didn't. I have to meal plan for the week, so I can go grocery shopping, because I really want to be successful. I will be more than happy to throw out or donate those new clothes if I can easily get back into my other clothes or even buy new clothes in a smaller size.

So, although there has been a lot going on, I am feeling optimistic about the future. I am hoping that this next school year can be successful for me and my students. I am hoping that my new clothes will instill a new sense of confidence in me. Because if I have confidence in how I look, then I will have confidence that I can succeed in other areas of my life.

Today is better

I will probably end up with a few blog entires today. I thought of so much more that I wanted to say yesterday, but didn't get it all out. I can't keep things inside anymore, so I am just saying "whatever" and will make as many entries a day as I see fit.

First, I want to say thanks to my "followers." You make me feel special, even if you never read anything else I ever type.

Second, to the people I inspired to make a day zero list, I hope you really enjoy it! I had such an easy time coming up with 20 things... too bad I needed 101! I took me a while, but I made so many personal goals, and I have to tell you it feel pretty darn good to check things off.

Third, today is better. I didn't get as much sleep as I would have liked~ Nathaniel woke up at 5:30 coughing, and in the few seconds that it took me to get him some water, he was up and in our room. So I got up because there was just no way that Mommy was going to get any sleep if he was up and ready to play. That, and when he lays (lies? whatever) in our bed, he likes to kick us and tell us to move. It used to be cute...
But, I got to work early enough to make all my needed copies for the week, and a few for next week, and got some lesson plans done. I know that there are few people in the world that can understand the joy of getting lesson plans done ahead of time, but trust me, it's a relief. It means that I can leave right at 3:05 today, and maybe get home with enough energy to play with my boys or *gasp* work out.

I also had enough time to make and eat breakfast at home. Even though I made bacon and toast with cheese, it will still be less calories than if I stopped somewhere to get something to eat. I also managed to get to Aldi yesterday, and picked up some lunch stuff, so I have a pizza hot pocket and an orange. Yes, I am going to eat some fruit today. I really want to be a role model not only to Bug, but also to my class. I should say "positive role model" as I am sure they see enough negative role models.

Ok, enough for now. I think I am starting to ramble. But it really helps me calm my nerves and relax when I get everything that swims in my head out of it and on "paper."