Peach- 13 weeks- Second trimester!

So, I am 13 weeks today, and Thank God! am starting to feel a little better. I completely and utterly despise going to UIC for appointments with the high risk OB, but I will suffer through them. Here's what's going on this week, according to thebump.com

Yay! It’s the last week of the first trimester and you did it. We’re not just talking about getting through those work meetings without falling asleep (or puking!), we’re talking about how you’ve completed one whole third of your pregnancy -- and the reputed toughest one at that. You’ve grown a fetus that has vocal cords, teeth and even fingerprints (wow!) and you probably kept this incredible news (mostly) secret while you constantly wished you could shout it from the rooftops -- or, at the very least, use it as an excuse for getting to work late. It’s about this time that many parents-to-be start spreading the word (to more people than just close family and friends) that there’s a baby on the way. But know that there are no hard and fast rules about when you should divulge your secret. It could be after your next prenatal doctor visit, once you start showing or at a big family event where everyone will be gathered. Or maybe everyone already knows! That’s totally your call.

your baby's the size of a peach!
She's about 2.9 inches long and weighs about .81 ounces, and -- proportion-wise -- her head's now about 1/3 the size of her body (remember? It used to be bigger!).
Share this with family and friends

your baby at 13 weeks
Can you believe she's forming vocal cords and teeth?!
And even though she's still teeny, she already has fingerprints.
Her intestines are moving from the umbilical cord to their more permanent place, in her tummy.

Christmas

Oh, wow, Christmas was wonderful! Santa was so very good to Nathaniel, and so was our family. Suffice it to say that Nathaniel will not be bored while at home with me this week. Just a few pictures to share:


Before the Unwrapping


The car from Grandma


Rock and Roll Mickey:


And, hopefully, a video of Nathaniel looking for and opening his Mickey, the present he has been asking for since before Halloween!

Plum! 12 weeks

I have made it to twelve weeks. I have felt pretty good during the first trimester- only a few issues with morning sickness. Got sick once at school (during the winter program of all things) and then once again in the morning the day after the program. I think the stink was still in my nose!

My sugar levels have been really good, although I am concerned about my blood pressure. I am getting so stressed out lately and I know that's not good. But I have no swelling, so until the doctors tell me otherwise, I will try to tell myself that everything is fine.

SO, now the baby is the size of a plum. Holy shit! A plum!! None of my clothes fit, and I started wearing maternity clothes whenever I can. I really need to get a few more pairs of pants. When I was pregnant with Nathaniel, I was able to wear my own clothes until I was nearly 20 weeks along, so I only have three pairs of maternity pants. Maybe after I pay the mortgage this month. We'll see what we have left over. So, here's what's going on inside, according to the bump.com

Things are changing fast. You’re reaching the home stretch of the first trimester (we know, finally!) at 12 weeks which means your hormones are likely to tone things down a bit -- which might make you feel a little less emotional! And it will probably help the symptoms subside a bit, too. One warning though: your morning sickness and fatigue might get replaced by headaches and dizziness. But we think that’s a reasonable trade-off. The other big change? Baby’s almost done developing her body’s important systems and parts, which means, it’s mostly about getting bigger and more mature from here on out. Around week 12, you might want to know more about baby, so you’re probably having genetic testing done to determine her risk of birth defects or other problems. This can be a little scary -- and confusing -- so be sure to ask your OB plenty of questions, and know that it’s much more likely baby’s A-OK than anything else.

your baby's the size of a plum!
The average fetus at 12 weeks is about 2.1 inches long and .49 ounces. Now that she's got pretty much all her parts, her main job is to keep on growing.

your baby at 12 weeks
Most of her critical systems are fully formed!
She's about to enter the growth and maturation stage, in which her organs and tissues will grow and develop rapidly.
She's now developing her reflexes -- if you poke her body, she'll likely move.
She's opening and closing her fingers and curling her toes, too.
Her brain is developing fast!

Christmas Break

Well, today is Wednesday (I think... I am pretty sure it is...) so I have been on break for three days now. I've done nothing. And enjoyed almost every minute of it.

I've been sending Nathaniel to school this week, since his party isn't until Friday and I have to pay for daycare anyway. I've gotten all the presents wrapped and baked a lot of cookies.

But I haven't done any laundry and I haven't cleaned anything. I haven't finished shopping, although I only have to get something for Pat and my mom. (Pretty sure Pat hasn't bought a thing.)

My blood sugar has been pretty good, even though I am at home. Normally, it's not good when I'm at home. I've been trying my best though. And I've discovered that Jewel brand hash brown patties are the closest thing to heaven that I'm going to find on this planet. Oh so yummy!!!!

On a completely unrelated note, Nathaniel is wearing "nite-nite underwear" to bed. Yeah, they're pull-ups. He gets one box from Costco. He has 81 nights left. We are going diaper free when we run out, and there's only 9 left, so definitely by Friday. Excited for my little boy. He understands that he's got to go on the potty if there's no diapers, so I am hoping that he will do well. I really want him potty trained with a few months under his belt before the new baby comes.

So I guess that's about all. I have two doctor appointments this week, one at UIC and the other with the endocrinologist. Friday will be baby update time, so I will do that after my appointment.

Very much looking forward to Christmas, which is just 4 days away. For Christmas eve, we are going to my younger sister's house. I hope there's not a lot of smokers there, actively smoking in my face. I fucking hate that. But it should still be a good time. We are going around 3:30, because I need to eat at 4:30 to 5.

During the day, my mom is coming over here to help me get ready for Christmas dinner. She is also making the turkey and stuffing (oh, how I love her stuffing!). I can't even look at raw poultry without running for the toilet, so I am really glad she agreed to do it!

But that reminds me I have to email my older sister and ask her how to make the gravy.

SO I guess I still have a lot to do, but very little time left to do it. I hope to find my motivation soon, at least before Christmas day.

Oh! Nathaneil has been asking Santa for Rock and roll Mickey, and I know that Santa got it for him, so we are planning to have that be the last present he opens. I am hoping that I can find a way to put the video of it in here, to share with everyone. At the very least, there will be pictures. He has been asking for this thing since before Halloween, so I am pretty sure he will be excited to see it. Can't wait!!!

Lime!

Ok, so I am a day alte with this week's update. But to be fair, it's been a hell of a week. Morning sickness kicked in for me right in the middle of our holiday program at school. My class was on stage and the combination of students body odor, parent body odor, the heat in the gym, and a dropping blood sugar level.... yeah. I had to run to the bathroom. Several teachers saw and knew what was going on. The next day they laughed and said "Joi, they were that bad..." I guess I can laugh about it now.

So, here we are, at week 11. 28% done. All is going well. No more bleeding, and at this week's doctor appointment I had another ultrasound (which will from now on be abbreviated u/s). I kept my eyes closed, as you can see the screen in the office, so that I wouldn't see if there was something wrong. Nope! The tech said "There he is, jumping and dancing around in there." I was so excited. So here's the info on week 11.

Around 11 weeks, you’ll probably notice some subtle changes, like an increase in vaginal discharge and a dark, vertical line appearing down the center of your belly (known as the linea nigra). It’s probably tough to feel calm right now, since your hormones are still haywire and you may still be feeling pretty nauseated. But know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel -- just two more weeks left in trimester one! Week 11 is a great time to start planning a babymoon: a romantic getaway with your partner. Just about everyone recommends you do this in the second trimester, since that’s when you’ll likely feel most energized (and we doubt you’ll want to do a lot of traveling once you hit trimester three). A babymoon isn’t just a cool way to celebrate your anticipation for baby’s arrival; it’s a great way to bond with your partner before baby starts taking up a ton of your time and attention. Hey, maybe you’ll also get to relax a little! So take your mind off your queasiness and start scouting some babymoon destinations. And if you need another diversion, imagine your growing baby, doing just fine in there, becoming more and more mature every day.

your baby's the size of a lime!
Your fetus is about 1.6 inches long, and she's got about a 1:1 head to body ratio. She now weighs in at about .25 ounces.

your baby at 11 weeks
You can't see it, but she's moving fluidly and gracefully in there.
Her skin is see-through, but she's on her way to looking more like a baby.
Her fingers and toes aren't webbed anymore.
Tooth buds, hair follicles and nail beds are forming.

Could That Be.... Happiness I Feel??

Well, I had another doctor appointment last night, with Dr. A. Baby is growing well, and is only measuring a week behind now, not two. My blood sugar levels have been great, and I don't have to go back for two weeks!!!!

I had said last night that I could finally relax and maybe get some sleep. Nope. No sleep for me again. I hate that. Tiday is going to be a really long day and I was hoping for a good night's sleep.

We have our student's holiday program today, Twice, actually. Once this morning and again this afternoon. Ugh. it's gonna suck big time.

And I think I'm getting a migraine. But, I am still happy that all is going well with the baby.

Just gotta make it until Friday afternoon.

Prune

I am having a hard time typing this today. In my heart, I know that everything is fine. But then my damn brain has to wake up and start thinking. Long story short, I was in the ER last night because I was having some bleeding. But, the baby is still there and seems to be doing really well. In fact, he has grown a week in just 3 days! (Our ultrasound on Monday at UIC said the baby was measuring 8 weeks, but the one last night (thursday) measured him at 9 weeks. I am resting this weekend (which is damn near impossible!) but I know that it will be well worth it!

Here is what baby is up to:
Baby's now the size of a prune!
With bones and cartilage starting to form and vital organs beginning to function, baby is making major progress. Body length will almost double in the next three weeks, and arm joints are now working. (Soon, legs will start working too.)

Notice a network of tiny blue veins crisscrossing your already achy breasts and (sorry) disappearing waistline? Though you may not love the new look, these veins carry the extra blood needed to nourish your burgeoning baby. You also might see the effects of pregnancy on your face -- in the form of major breakouts, that is. (Thanks, hormones.)
Now that you’ve reached 10 weeks, you can stop wondering when you’ll start to actually look pregnant. It’s probably right around now, as your baby continues her rapid growth and your tummy starts to develop some extra curve (of course, you still might be the only one who notices). In the process, your ligaments and muscles are starting to stretch, so don’t be surprised if you start feeling some aches and pains. While, some moms-to-be don’t really get them, others find these sensations -- called “round ligament pain” -- well, downright painful. Your breasts have probably gotten bigger too, since they’ve been prepping for breastfeeding for weeks already! That’s why week 10 is probably a good time to stock up on some new, looser clothes -- and maybe your first round of maternity wear. Don’t go too crazy though. As your body continues to change, you’ll likely want to get some more essentials along the way.

Your baby's the size of a prune!
Now, she's about 1.2 inches long and weighs about .14 ounces. Her body length will almost double in the next three weeks.

SO, if you could keep us in your prayers, I would greatly appreciate it. July is a long time from now!

Green Olive

It's Friday!!! Baby update day! Here is what the baby is up to this week, according to thebump.com

Your Baby: Week 9
Your little embryo has now officially graduated to fetus-hood. Adding to the excitement, a Doppler ultrasound device might be able to pick up the beating heart. With basic physical structures in place and increasingly distinct facial features, baby is kind of starting to look like... well... a baby.

At nine weeks pregnant, you and baby have made two big accomplishments: You’ve made it to month three, and she’s no longer an embryo -- now she’s a fetus. Basically that means she’s becoming more and more baby-like, and you’re inching closer and closer to leaving the nasties of the first trimester behind you. Just one more month to go! By now, you’ve probably visited the OB, and maybe even seen baby’s tiny heartbeat on the ultrasound. Exciting stuff, huh? You’re also probably starting to think about how life will change when baby’s in the picture. Around week nine, you might want to start looking for ways you and your partner can budget, so you have some extra cash when she arrives. You also should consider checking out your company’s handbook to see how maternity leave is typically handled. That way, when it comes time to break the news to your boss, you’ll be prepared to discuss your expectations -- and begin a potential plan -- with her.

This is a milestone. She's no longer an embryo -- now she's a fetus!
She's developing more distinct facial features.
And she might now have a strong enough heartbeat to be picked up by a fetal doppler.

So there's what baby is up to. Me? I am feeling great! I have very little morning sickness, although I'm sure to get it now, just for writing that. I am tired all the time. but that's to be expected. I have gained a few pounds already. I did that when I switched to insulin when I was pregnant with Nathaniel. Since I am already on the insulin now, I didn't expect anything else.

I am eating reasonably well. Always within my carb count, of course (ok, with the exception of that brownie I had after dinner- Nathaniel's fault. He demanded we make brownies for Daddy. Being the caring wife I am, I had to make sure they were ok for him to eat!)

Still having some sugar control issues. Not going too high, but going too low. My doctor told me I wasn't eating enough (really?) but a lot of the time, I have no desire to eat. I literally have to force myself to eat lunch and dinner sometimes. Yesterday, for example, I shot up the insulin and made my lunch. It was a Home Run Inn frozen pizza, ultra thin crust only 31 g of carbs and normally so delicious. I ate about 4 bites and despite the fact I was really enjoying it, I did not want to eat it at all. It tasted great, I just wasn't hungry. When am I ever not hungry for pizza?????

Crazy I know. So I force myself to eat it, knowing that my blood sugar will drop like a stone if I don't. I finished that and some peaches in juice (no sugar added) and go back to class. An hour later, my sugar is 114. Don't get me wrong, that's a gerat number. But an hour after that I was shaking and my heart was racing. Low blood sugar episode. Fortunately, the custodian chose that time to bring in the fruit (we get fruits and veg twice a week for a snack! Thank you healthy kids grant!) I devoured a huge green apple. But, I was still shaky. I went to my car, since I had some trail mix in there, and because I was feeling like crap, proceeded to eat damn near the whole bag. I als had some crackers.

I am sure that shot my sugar through the roof! But, once my levels get low, I always seem to respond with over eating on the snacks. I am supposed to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what do you do when you are not hungry? So, I am still working on that.

Appointment updates: I have four in the next week. Monday I have an ultrasound and a high risk OB appointment at UIC. I am terrified of going there. Some women I have talked with said that the level of care during pregnancy is great, but labor and delivery left a lot to be desired. And no private rooms!!! I pray that we can still deliver at St. James then. I also have two appointments on Tuesday. One with Dr. A., a typical appointment, and then one with the nutritionist at the diabetes center.

So I guess that's all for now. Most of our family and friends know about Baby 2012 (Which is what I wrote on the Christmas cards- except for those who don't know yet. theirs just say our names). I am slowly telling colleagues. Not hiding it, just not as forthcoming as I usually am. There are still a few people that Pat wants to tell in person, so other than that, let's call this a week!

Oh, one more thing: with the baby being the size of a green olive, it really makes me want this awesome dip that my BFF makes using cream cheese, green onions and olive juice. Sound nasty as hell, but OMG. I don't want the chips, just the dip. Mmmmm.... dip....

Looney Tunes

So I was flipping through the channels today, when I saw that classic Looney Tunes were on. I turned it on, and sat back to enjoy. Memories come flooding back about Saturday mornings, laying in my parent's bed watching the cartoons with my dad.

As I watched, the cartoon where the king wants hasenpfeffer comes on. Man, we used to joke about that one all the time! Dad would say "Where's my hasenpfeffer?"

Now, If I could just see the one where Bugs Bunny sings "The rabbit kicked the bucket, the bucket kicked the rabbit!" it would ba all good.

I Know I Said Once A Week, But

I went to the doctor today and he surprised me with an ultrasound! I got to see the baby's heartbeat. It was going at a nice, strong 149 beats per minute. I called Pat after I left and told him. He was so crsuhed that he wasn't there. I told him I didn't know I was going to have an ultrasound today or I would have said something to him. Fortunately, he will be with me Monday, when we go for our enxt ultrasound.

I am so relieved that we have a heartbeat, because the chance of a miscarriage drops dramatically once they can pick up a heartbeat. July 2012, here we come!!!

So Tired of Doctors!!!

But at the same time, I am so grateful for them!

Saturday morning, Nathaniel woke up in the night screaming. We rushed to his room, and felt that he was burning up. Took his temp and it was 103. Gave him some tylenol and went back to bed. When he woke up, he was shivering and hot! And when i say shivering, I mean this kid scared the hell out of me! I had never seen anything like that before. Took his temp again and it was 103.5. SO we called the doc and went in at 9:30. They put him on Zithromax and said that there wasn't any ear infections, but there had to be something somewhere. (really? ya think?) We also were told to go back to the breathing treatments.

So we fast forward to Saturday afternoon. Temp goes up to 104. Call the doc again and she prescribes another antibiotic to take along with the zithro. Ugh. He hates taking the meds! We are still battling the fever at this point, and alterating between the tylenol and motrin.

We keep at it, and Sunday he seems to be feeling better. Temps arent' as high and he is running around like nothing has happened. We had dinner plans with family for Sunday night and we go. During dinner, you can just see that he is starting to not feel well again. We get home, take his temp, and it's back to 103. More motrin and off to bed.

At 1 am Sunday night, he wakes up and (since he was in bed with me) wakes me up too. I felt him and had to pull my hand back. He was on fire. I took his temp and it was 104.7. Off to the ER we go.

They got his temp down a bit, and then we talked about pneumonia and chest x-rays. All the time this is going on, I can feel morning sickness creeping on me. NOt only am I exhausted from growing humans, but I only got 3 hours of sleep before we went to the ER. Add in the stress of a very sick child, and it was too much for me.

Pat and I decided that we wanted to do a chest x-ray to rule out pneumonia, and fortunately, it was. So the ER docs decided that it's just a virus that he has, and it's got to work itself out. Should be gone in 3 to 5 days.

Now, while that's wonderful, do you know anyone that can just take a week off of work? Cuz I don't. I don't know what I am going to do tomorrow. Maybe send him to school in hopes that his fever doesn't come until the afternoon, so that I can work a full day? My mom had already offered to come watch him on Monday when he was sick on Saturday, so I was grateful for that.

I took off today, and can possibly do tomorrow too, but I am burning up all of my sick days. I will need those later in the pregnancy for (even more) doctor appointments.

And speaking of pregnancy related doctor appointments, I have one this afternoon with Dr. A (and that's good, because I am out of insulin and need a new rx for it). I have two next Monday at UIC. One ultrasound and one with the high risk OB. On Tuesday, I have an appointment with the dietician at the diabetes center, and will probably have to see Dr. A again that day too. That is going to be difficult. They are at the same location (different buildings) but how do I get an appointment early enough with Dr. A to meet with the dietician without taking half a day off? I still have to pick up Nathaniel. My mom is working on Tuesday, since she took off Monday to take Nathaniel spp that Pat and I can go to UIC.

I know that everything will work out and all this will be worth it in July, but for right now, it's just really annoying.

Did I mention that nathaniel will be accompanying me to all these appointments (not UIC)? Yeah, not fun. But I really have no other choice.

Still Hanging On

I just wanted to write a quick update, as I had no time to do so yesterday. The spotting stopped as quickly as it started. I have also not had any more cramps. My back is still killing me, but I can live with that.

Why Me? Why Again?

I woke up bleeding this morning and cramping. I believe it's a matter of time now before it's gone. And I just told my family. It figures.

Just a Sample

We took Nathaniel for his Christmas pictures this morning. Here's a sample. And you're not crazy, some are sideways.

Raspberry

It's Friday again, and all is still going well!!

Today, the baby is the size of a raspberry. Here's what he's doing:

Baby is growing like mad, putting on about a millimeter every day and continuing to straighten out in the trunk. Though you can't feel it yet, baby is moving those little arms, legs, and (now only slightly) webbed fingers and toes like crazy.

You can't feel it yet, but she's moving those arms and legs like crazy!
Her fingers and toes are now only slightly webbed, and her tail (yes, she had one) is gone.
Fun fact: your baby's taste buds are now forming.

Now she weighs in (yay!) at about .04 ounces and measures about .63 inches. This week, she's growing about a milimeter each day (all infor from thebump.com)

SO that's pretty much it. I go see Dr. A. on Tuesday again to adjust insulin as necessary, although I've been doing pretty good (even yesterday!!!). I've even had a few low blood sugar episodes, which is not good but it means bad snack choices- yummy!

My next ultrasound is on Dec 5th (a Monday, so I will post pics if I get them) and I have an appointment right after the ultrasound. These both take place at UIC. My mom is coming over to babysit Nathaniel, since I have no idea what time we'll be getting back from the docs, and I don't want him sitting at the day care waiting.

So, all in all, everything seems to be going good. No spotting, some strecthing and growing pains, and a lot of bloating (had to put on maternity pants last night to be comfy!!!).

And, Nathaniel is enjoying telling everyone that he will be the best big brother ever. Ever. Ever.

Telling Mom

We finally got to tell my mom today about the new baby. Here are some pics.

Nathaniel in his shirt:


Mom's face:




She was so excited!!!!!

Blueberry

I won't be posting this until later, just in case I need to delete it.

Today is Friday, so it's pregnancy entry day. Today, I am 7 weeks, and my baby is the size of a blueberry. I have three doctor appointments today. The first is a redo for my nurse intake appointment. (I went 2 weeks ago and it was a big fail! My urine test came out negative, so that's when they did the beta draws.)

The next is with Dr. D., an endocrinologist. I am hopeful that he can explain why I am not responding well to the insulin.

After that, I have an ultrasound. I am really looking forward to seeing my little blob on the screen. I hope and pray that everything looks good and on track, but fear that it is not.

The shirt I bought for Nathaniel arrived in the mail yesterday, but I am too scared to open it. I just don't want the pain of looking at that shirt if he will bever wear it.

Later in the day...

I ended up going to see the nurse at Dr. A's office. She was great. Came home with a big goodie bag for expenctant mothers. But, she sent me to the lab to get my blood drawn. Ugh.

Seriously, 8 vials? What on God's green Earth do they need 8 vials of blood for? HIV tests, and then a complete panel of x, y, and z. Only took two stabs, one in the hand and one in the arm. Still not fun.

Then, I get in the car to drive tgo the other side of the hospital to go to the endocrinoligist. I turned my phone back on, and saw I had a voicelmail from Dr. A's office. Whaa??? The nurse called, and the first thing she said was "Nothing is wrong, but..." she needed some more dates from me, about my miscarriages. I told her that I really appreciated the fact that she started it with "there is nothing wrong," because I instantly assumed that there was.

On to the endo. Wow, this part is going to be long. First, let me start by saying that my endo (as I will call him- or Dr. D.) also took care of my dad. He cares for a friend of mine as well, so I knew I would be in good hands. I got in and was talking with the nurse, who is also a nutritionist, and she spent about 25 minutes with me, talking about what I should be eating and what I shouldn't and how to eat and even gave me a list of apps for my iPhone to help me track my food. I go back to see her again in two weeks. Then Dr. D. came in.

To say that he was upset that I had never seen an endo in the 4 years since I've been diagnosed would be an understatement. He was, in short, absolutely amazing. I spent about 45 minutes with him. He asked me all sorts of questions, going back to when I was 14! 23 years of my medical history, He explained studies that he had read or been a part of, and why he does things the way he does. It was incredible. Yes, my head was spinning with all the information he gave me, but it was well worth it.

However, there was some bad news with that too. He told me (with a 97% degrees of certainty) that I have PCOS. This was not really surprising, but all the things that can happen because of it sure were. Heart disease, infertility (not that I have that problem, apparently) increased insulin resistance (to combine with the diabetes- Fun!), and all sorts of other stuff that I can't remember right now, but have written down.

Other bad news was a study he told me about in regards to diabetic moms. Those whose A1c were 8 or below before pregnancy had a 2% chance of having a baby with malformations. That's the same as non-diabetic women. However, A1c's of over 8 (as my last one was) had 22% chance of malformations. This could be anything from a cleft palate to heart defects and spina bifida. As I sat there crying, he said, but don't forget about the other 78% whose babies are born perfectly healthy.

So, obviously, we're hoping and praying to be in that 78%.

We have increased my insulin (a lot) but he said that's not as much as some pregnant women he has seen are taking. So that made me feel good. PLus, the nutritionist said that I have to eat the 180 carbs a day (holy shitballs, twice as muc as before) because that's what a healthy pregnancy needs, and we'll just have to adjust the insulin and that's that.

Ok, so after all that, I went to the outpatient center to get my ultrasound done. Since I didn't have an appointment, they told me I might be waiting a long time, and they would squeeze me in. Maybe they just say that to see if you're really willing to wait, because I waited a whopping 10 minutes. Yep, that's all. I've waited longer when I had an appointment!! ANyway, they did the ultrasound, and couldn't tell me anything. They never do. But when I told them that I was just loking for some reassurance, they said that they were "pretty sure I'd be back to see them in the future" because "Dr A. always has more done." You can read that as "THERE'S A BABY IN THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I was so relieved! I won't get the official yes until I see Dr. A again, and that's on Tuesday, but I'm confident enough that I think I will sleep all night tonight.

My plan is to announce it to my family on Thanksgiving. (the ones that don't know, like my mom, younger sister, Pat's mom and uncle.) Should be great! Can't wait to see Mom's face!

And one last thing. I opened the package that held Nathaniel's t-shirt. Believe me when I say that next Friday, there will be a picture of it posted! It is adorable!

Not Happy About This

So I called my OB's office to see if they had made an appointment for me at the high risk OB's office yet. You know, the docs that are in Orland, which is closer than going to see my regular doctor. The ones that I was hoping would eliver at Christ, since it's so close.

Nope. Not only that, but they told me today that I have to go to the University of Chicago for my appointments. Can is just say how scared that makes me? Like something is going to go really drastically wrong?

I also hate driving into the city. I need Pat to come with me at least the first time. I have no idea where I'm going, how to get there, where to park, how to find the offices, nothing. So much for keeping my blood pressure under control.

Not only am I worried that something must be really wrong, but I have to go somewhere I have no idea how to get to! The nurse says "Oh, just take the Stevenson." OK, they have numbers for a reason!!! I know the numbers, not the names.

I am sure that everything will be ok, but I am getting more and more doubtful about seeing any doctors before Thanksgiving. I so wanted to tell everyone then. I can wait, because fear is a strong motivator.

Beta News

So I finally got the results from the blood test/ beta draw from Friday, the 11th. And I remembered to ask what my levels were the fist time. My first draw, on 11/4 was 25.3. My second draw was 757.9! The betas are supposed to double every 24 to 48 hours, so mine are perfect!

Of course, like the idiot I am, I had to go and look up what the average beta is for how many days past ovulation (dpo) I am. And then I got worried, since it should be 11 thousand something. I know that this one is going to stick though, and that beta levels vary greatly, so I am going to stop worrying.

On another note, my doctors will no longer see me. I am quite sad about that, as they took great care of me and they delivered Nathaniel. But I am quite sure I will be in good hands with the MFM doctors. That stands for Maternal Fetal Medicine. I saw one when I was pregnant with Nathaniel, but that one didn't deliver babies. These docs do. I just don't know where! Maybe I won't have another St. James baby. It wold be really nice (for us) if they delivered at Christ. Imagine not driving 45 minutes to the hospital but only driving 5 minutes (damn traffic lights!) So that would be nice.

I am hopeful that I can get in to see the docs next week, as they also have a diabetes center there. One stop shopping for me!

So I am thinking that (other than today) every Friday I will do a pregnancy post. I picked Friday, because that's when I change weeks. Right now, I am 6 weeks 3 days. My baby is the size of a sweet pea, and it's heart is already beating, which means the circulatory system has formed. It is so incredible!

Also, this is the day in my last pregnancy that I miscarried, so I am really excited to still be pregnant. I lost the other one at 7 weeks 4 days, so in 8 days, I am going to be one happy mommy. 10 days I'll be happier- Thanksgiving!

SO anyway, excpect updates on Friday, unless something happens that I need to share right away (like ultrasounds and ultrasound pictures.) I really hope to catch my mom's expression when she finally finds out. (fingers crossed for Thanksgiving day.)

To tell her, by the way, I bought Nathaniel an adorable shirt that has two dump trucks on it and says "Someday I'll drive a big truck, just like Daddy, but for now, I'll just be a big brother!" I'm going to have Nathaniel wear the shirt and wait for people to read it. I will post a picture of the shirt when it arrives. I ordered it from Etsy.

The Pressure Is On

And for once, I am not talking about the pressure of my ever expanding bloat against my jeans. (Hell, or my weight gain for that matter.)

No. I have placed my blog on another blog of July 2012 moms to be. Do you know what that means? Tens of people could read this. I feel so much pressure to make this blog... interesting. What will I talk about?

I don't want to turn this into a pregnancy blog. It will get there, I am sure, but I don't want it to be that yet.

I didn't want this to turn into a weight loss blog. Fortunately for me, I can't lose weight, so I guess that worked out ok, (And for the record, I am down 7 pounds in the past two weeks.)

I still post about my 101 things to do in 1001 days. Speaking of which, I jumped into a pile of leaves today. Another one done.

And can I count seeing Harry Potter with my mom twice? Cuz she came over (and I still haven't told her) and we watched it again.

So what shall I blog about? My new found love of fajitas? (oh, burrito jalisco, why do you have to be open until 3 am?)

Christmas? How long can that last? (I know, less than 6 weeks!)

My New Year's resolutions? OK, yeah, because I know I'll lose weight. I'll drop about 20 pounds in July alone, wink wink.

So I guess I will just ramble for a while. Seems to work thus far.

And to any bumpies that may read, plase feel free to follow me and leave comments. I love comments and having "followers" makes me feel so powerful! You will obey.....

I Made My Wish

At 11:11 am, on 11/11/11 I made my wish. You know what that means? I can cross another thing off my 101 things to do in 1,001 days. I've really got to update that list, too.

I am hoping that there are a lot of things that I have done that I haven't marked off. Most of them are in progress. Some have been put off for a time, like potty training Nathaniel. (We'll be starting that again in December.) Others will not be completed. Think paying off credit cards... but they'll be closer!

I am not sure if I can share my wish with the blogging world or not. Is it like a birthday wish that you can't reveal or it won't come true? Is it like blowing eyelashes away?

For now, I will keep it a secret wish. I am just really hoping it comes true!

EDITED: Kick ass!!!! I have also taken a continuing education class, and skipping down the sidewalk! (I actually did it the other day with Nathaniel, and then again this morning when we were leaving the doctor's office!) I had forgotten that it was on my list. And, I will be completing anohter one in the next month or so- seeing Breaking Dawn with my mom.

I have completed 32 of my goals!!! 32% finished! yay me!!!!

Hungry

I am so stinking hungry!!!! It probably doesn't help that I have my lunch right in front of me, but lunch time is still an hour away. I'd like to try to hold out until 1:20, when my class goes to gym, because I didn't plan ahead and didn't bring any snacks for the afternoon. I am trying really hard to eat well, but it's a struggle right now. More so than usual.

I am so damn tired that I hope if I eat I will have some energy. It's not working.

Christmas Music (and Being Sappy)

So it's no surprise to anyone that knows me- I love Christmas. The sighs, the sounds, the food, the happiness (usually). I love to be generous whenever I can at Christmas. I always give too much. I just can't help myself!

But this year is different. Well, actually, this year is a lot like Christmas three years ago, when I was pregnant with Nathaniel. But I am getting off track here.

I was on my way home from the doctor's office today, with Nathaniel in the car with me. I was listening to 93.9 on the radio. They had some beraking news to report... not in and of itself something to remember, and given that it was 5 pm, it was newstime. And then they said it. They were switching on "the Christmas Lite!" I was so excited that I got to hear it.

Then I listened to what the first song was. My song for Christmas. When I was pregnant with Nathaniel, every time I heard "All I Want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey (of whom I am NOT a fan) I would sing that all I wanted for Christmas was you (him) to be healthy. And he was born healthy and still is healthy and I am blessed.

For the past week, they have been playing some Christmas music here and there, but I've only heard three songs. Holly Jolly Christmas, Michael Buble's version of All I want for Christmas, and Mariah Carey's. Now, Holly Jolly means nothing to me, but when I was on my way to the doctors office I was scared and asked for a sign. I heard the song. I sang it to my tummy.

And today, on my way home from the doctor (after switching to insulin because it's the best thing and the safest for the baby) I got to hear it again. And I sang it to Nathaniel and my tummy. The simple pleasure in that moment made me cry so hard I nearly had to pull over. I couldn't see through the tears.

I know that people who read this will think I am an idiot, or at the very least a sap, but I have to say that God is always making appearances. We just have to be open to seeing (hearing) the signs of his love, guidance, and reassurance.

Oops, Sorry Everyone

It was pointed out to me that I never revealed the results of my blood test from last week. My bad. Yes, it is confirmed that I am indeed pregnant. My beta levels were exactly where they shoul be for how far along I am. I go back on Friday to have another blood test done (oh, yay- insert eyeroll here) to make sure that they are going in the right direction.

Believe me, they are.

Doctor Appointment Today

So, today's the day. I go see the doc and get switched to insulin for the next 9 months. Is it wrong to be excited about that? On the one hand, I know that this will be so much better for my sugar control. I will be able to "dial a dose" and inject myself and know that what I am eating is going to be ok.

On the other hand, I am worried that I will use it as a lisence to eat crap. Just take a little more insulin and french fries be damned! (and I had some fries last night and they were sooooo good!!!!- but I didn't eat the whole bag. Yay for me.)

I will be taking Nathaniel with me, which isn't going to be fun, but it's what I have to do. He will play with his trains on the table and drive me crazy I'm sure, but what other choice is there? I have no one to rely on.

It really worries me for when I have to start going to the doctor more often. What am I going to do then?

But one day at a time. Today I am going to the doctor and switch to insulin. That's all I can handle right now.

Still Hanging On

I want to barf!!

I want to sleep!!

My pants are not fitting comfortably!!

I couldn't be happier!!!

I go to the doctor tomorrow and then again on Friday (two different doctors), and although I am not looking forward to all those copays, I know it will be worth it. Now, if I could just get comfy and be awake!

So Doggone Tired!

I am so ready for bed, and can't convince Nathaniel that it's time for bed. I know it's not quite 7:30, but come on. It's been dark for two hours already.

I know that I could get him into bed and turn on an hour long episode of Mickey Mouse, but what kind of mom does that make me?

I go back to the doctor for another check up/ blood draw on Friday. Even though it's Veteran's day, and I am not working, I think I will take Nathaniel to school for the day. I want to get some sleep and I'd like spend some time with Pat.

I get to talk to him every day, but I didn't get to see him today. He'll be home about 4 am, and it makes me sad. I miss him so much, and I really try to recognize the sacrifice that he is making by being away. It's really hard for me to do that though, as I never get a second to myself anymore. And, I'm really effing tired.

How Do I Continue to Believe?

How can I go on? "Because you have to" isn't an answer for me today. Fuck "have to." And fuck the people that say it.

I took several pregnancy tests this week, but when I went to the doctor, my test was negative. I was told to go home and wait to miscarry. The nurses did take blood, to do a beta draw, but I won't get those results until Monday. In the meantime...

How do I have hope? It implies that there is still some "positive" in me. The same goes for believing.

I try so hard to be positive, but I can't right now. A friend of mine led me to a misdiagnosed miscarriage website, which I have found to be helpful. They are stories of women who have been told they were going to miscarry. Some of them did, but most of them went on to have a healthy pregnancy. All I know is that I will not be having a D&C any time soon. I will refuse it until I can't refuse it anymore, in hopes of seeing a heartbeat. Now, if I lose it naturally, then there's nothing that can be done.

Somehow I will go on. But I will always feel more broken than mended, no matter what else happens in my life. 3 strikes and you're out, right? I can't ride this emotional roller coaster any more and won't ever do it again.

Not Again!!!!

I feel like I have to put this out there, even though I hadn't planned on doing this for quite a while. I don't know why God has decided that this is the path for my life, but it is beginning to make me question everything.

You see, very late Monday night, I took a pregnancy test. Although the second line was faint, it was there. I am pregnant!!! I was over the moon thrilled about it. Pat was less than thrilled, but supportive and happy. I took another test Tuesday morning, and it looked like the line was a little fainter. But it was still there.

Today, Wednesday, I took a digital to confirm that I am pregnant. It said "Not Pregnant."

I am just destroyed. Although I haven't gotten my period yet (which means there's a tiny chance of hope) I just can't bring myself around to believe that this time will be different. I am crushed. I am mad. I am really fucking pissed off. I am hoping I am wrong.

So if you read this, please say a prayer for me. I know I ask this a lot, but this was my last chance...

Halloween Pictures

In one of the pictures, you can see the pumpkin. A squirrel has been munching on it.

Feeling so Down Today

I have tried being patient. I have tried being impatient. Neither have worked for me. I am exhausted and beaten down. I feel like life has beaten me in this game. I guess "life" stacks the odds in its favor, huh? I am not quite sad, not quite depressed, or mad, or even worthless. Just beaten.

I was talking to a friend and she asked if I could take a day off for myself. No, I can't. First off, I have missed 4 1/2 days this month alone. That's too many. Second, even if I did take a day off, I would have to be quiet so that Pat could sleep. So what's the point?

I don't like this feeling and I want it to change. Ugh.

Can't Wait for Tomorrow

I am so glad that tomorrow is Friday. Even though it's Parent-Teacher conferences and I won't get home until 8:30 pm. But it will be Friday.

And Nathaniel should be feeling better by then. Yesterday, when I picked him up at school, his teachers told me that he was complaining that his right ear hurt, and that he had been pulling on it. I called the doc immediately, and we got in.

Turns out he doesn't have an ear infection, (yay!) but he is so congested that it is hurting him. SO we are using a nebulizer 7 times a day, benadryl, flonase and will go to antibiotics tomorrow if he's not doing better.

All this good news for the low economic price of $140! Seriously??? A hundered and forty bucks!!!! Throw in what we paid to pick up pizza since it was 6:30 before we got out of the doctor and I spent $170 to find out my poor baby is sick.

But, he's gained half a pound in 4 months (I think I did that with just the pizza last night) and has grown a little over half an inch.

Today is the 26th.

Just typing the title of this post made me cry, because I know what's after the title. Pain.

Today would have been the latest I would have been allowed to go in my pregnancy that I lost in March. To think that today I would have been holding my second tiny baby.

I know that there are people who will read this post and think "Jesus, get over it." and to a degree, they're right. But for right now, fuck 'em. They have obviously never lost a child that they loved from the moment they knew about it.

Some people who read this will know that this was my second loss, and wonder why this one upsets me more than the first. Know that it doesn't. I feel this way every May 12th (when I found out) May 19th (when I lost it) and January 6th (it's due date).

The difference between the two is that I was pregnant with Nathaniel on January 6th. I am not pregnant now.

I hope that anyone reading this will send up a prayer for me and my family, just so that I can have the strength to get through the day. I am at peace with what happened, but I am still allowed to grieve.

And grieve I must. Please don't think that I don't know full well how blessed I already am. I do. Everytime I get a knee to my eye or a small foot in my back during the night, I do smile. (Sometimes after I get mad, but it's still there.) When I look at the mess that is my living room, I get exasperated, but I wouldn't trade that toy mess for anything. Same goes for the spots all over the carpet. The applesauce stains... the rice that dried to the carpet... the spaghetti sauce on the chair. (I know that makes me sound like a bad housekeeper, but I don't care what you think. My family knows I love them. Besides, the dishes are done, so there.)

I have come to terms with being "one and done," but it doesn't lessen the pain that I am feeling today.

If you've read this, and know someone who has gone through a miscarriage, say a short prayer for them today too. There is a part of them that will never be whole again.

I Love This Face

I just can't resist this face!



He is such a joy to me, even when he makes this face:



More to love:

Innocent Comments and George Harrison

Ugh. I knew it was going to be a bad day today, but damn. I feel like I've been hit by a bus.

It started so innocently. I was dropping off Nathaniel at school today and his teachers asked me when I was going to have another one. Yeah. The answer should have been "Wednesday!" with a big smile. But it's not.

Cue the tears. I fought them off until I got to the car, and then lost it. I left the parking lot, but had to pull over down the street. I couldn't see through the tears. Why did they pick today to ask this???????? Today I would be 38w3d, the exact gestational day that Nathaniel was born.

I sat in my car for a few minutes, trying to collect myself. I asked God to please let me hear some uplifting music on the radio, as I knew I needed something before I got to work with my tear-stained face.

Thank you God for George Harrison. I love the song "Set on You." It ahs always cheered me up. (Maybe not as much as I needed it to, but it worked a smidge.) I rolled down the window and sang it as loud as I could. I know exactly why I did that. It was to drive my own thoughts out of my head.

But, this time I know it's for real... that feeling that I feel. And I know it will take time and money, (wink wink) but I know that eventually, I will be more whole again. I just have to make it through next week.

Please, let me get through it...

Searching For More

I am no fool. I know that God has blessed me many times over. More than I deserve, in fact. So why I am searching for more? Why is it that I don't feel like I'm enough? Why do I feel like I'm not doing enough??

I know that when I come home after a long day of work, I have another long day of work ahead of me (until he's sound asleep). I wouldn't change that for anything! It truly is the best part of my day, until the morning comes and I get the sleepy smile with the "Hi, Mommy!"

But something seems to be missing lately. I don't know what it is.

I go shopping, thinking that it will keep me for a while... you know, fill the void with "stuff."

I eat, and we all know how that turns out for me.

I try to do good for others. I am getting ready to go Christmas shopping for other people so that they can be happy. If I can make one kid happy this holiday, will that be enough for me?

If I buy a ton of food (and by ton, I mean a lot, not 2,000 pounds) for our food drive at school, will that be enough for me?

What is at the core of me that is just out of my reach? When will I accomplish all that I set out to do? When will enough be enough?

I Learned Something Today

Turkey club sandwiches on jalepeno and cheese bagels are AWESOME!!!!!

Nathaniel wanted to go to the muffin store yesterday, but we didn't have any time. We had some extra time this morning, so we went. He got his usual chocolate muffin, and I got my lunch. Pat got 2 blueberry muffins, because he was able to go with too! So nice when that happens.

Anyway, I ordered my sandwich, knowing that I wouldn't have time to eat it until lunch, but let me tell you. It is good! I am trying to watch the carbs, but this is split between breakfast and lunch, so number wise I am ok. I just should have eaten half at breakfast and half at lunch.

Tonight, I am grilling steak and corn on the cob. I'll probably make a potato for Pat, but plan on filling my plate with veggies. I am trying really hard with the carb thing. I am doing better. I am eating eggs for breakfast, a bowl of honey nut cheerios for lunch, and then a moderately healthy dinner. Today I had yogurt for breakfast and the bagel for lunch, so I really have to avoid those carbs for dinner.

I would also like to cut out the caffeine. The only time I was ever successful with that was when I was pregnant with Nathaniel. oh, how those first few days without it hurt! The withdrawal headaches were killer! But I know I don't need that in my life. The only time it gets diffiuclt is when we go out to eat. What else do you drink when you don't drink pop or alcohol? I can't do lemonade or tea, because it's not diet (too much sugar). And I feel like I'm 5 when I order milk. So water it is. Maybe I should carry some Crystal light packs with me to have flavored water. Hmm...

Um, how did my bagel sandwich get me here? I think I'm losing my mind nd I am sure it's only going to get worse. Oh well.

100th Entry

Really? Is that all? It seems like I've been pouring my heart out here for a lot longer than 100 posts. Wait... TV shows get a huge cake when they hit 100 episodes. Where's my cake? Maybe next week, on my birthday.

Jeez, I'm going to be 37 next week. When did I get that old? I mean, it's not old, but wasn't I just 25 a few weeks back? I still can't believe how much my life has changed in the past few years, but to say that I'm close to 40. I have a young child at home... how could I be in my late 30's?

OK, this wasn't supposed to be a birthday vent. This is a celebration post.

100 entries about stuff no one gives a shit about.

100 entries about paying off my debt (which is going pretty well, I might add).

100 entries about how much I love my family (or hate them, depending on my mood).

100 entries about how this time the diet will work. (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!)

100 entries about the 101 things I will do in 1,001 days. If I had done one for every post, I would be just about done, but I am nowhere near it.

I do enjoy writting in this blog though. It gives me space to be me, whether you like it or not. It gives me the space I need to get stuff off my chest, so that I don't explode. I feel like this is my chance to talk to other adults, since I don't get to do that every day (even when Pat comes home before bed!)

It gives me the opportunity to do something while I wait. (And I am waiting again...)

Hopefully I haven't bored anyone to death and if I have, it will do no good to apologize now, so I won't. You know, cuz you're dead and stopped reading this long ago. You wouldn't read my apology anyway.

I am very proud of myself for the things I have aaccomplished this year. I am on a road to financial recovery, and I am in a much better mental state because I can swear as much as I want to when I am here. I get things off my chest and I confide in you, dear reader, things I would probably never say aloud. You can say them to me, and I will run and delete and then deny it, but whatevs.

Bottom line: I feel like Popeye. I am what I am and that's all that I am. I am free here, and no one can take that from me.

(And just so you know, even though the blog count says 95, I have a few entries that I never finished, so this is technically my 100th. Maybe that's why there's no cake!)

Heard That Damn Song

I heard "Say What You Need to Say" when I was getting breakfast with Nathaniel this morning, and just lost it. I was crying in the middle of Great American Bagel. I'm sure I looked like a lunatic, but I really didn't care. That song just hurts so much.

I know that if I had given birth to that child, I wouldn't have my wonderful Nathaniel. But hearing it now, so close to what would have been my surgery date for a second C-section, just killed me today. (The surgery would have been in the next week and a half.)

So, as I was crying (and it was harder out in the parking lot) I asked my sweet angel for a hug and kiss. He gave it to me and said "Make you happy?" Of course he did. I know in my head and in my heart and in every part of my being that Nathaniel was the child I was meant to have. But sometimes that hurt is still there. Hearing that song ripped the scab off, and made me cry.

Gratitude

You know, every once in a while, I look at my life and just thank God for all that I have.

My family is healthy. Yes, Nathaniel had the flu last Thursday, and I got it Friday night, and Pat is currently in bed with it now, but none of us has had to go to the hospital. None of us have anything majorly wrong with us. (diabetes aside)

We have enough food to eat. Maybe we're not eating steak every night, or going out to eat three times a week like we used to, but we're not going to starve. We know there will always be a meal on our table. There are many people who don't have that security.

We can pay our bills. Yes, taxes suck ass, and insurance bills are high, but I know that we can pay them. We have a small amount of money in our savings, and it will be enough. Next year, when we get our tax refund, we can put that money back in savings and up what we pay to our escrow. Lesson learned the hard way. We may not have all the things that our friends have, and our house may not be as big as some, but I don't want to pay to heat or cool a house that big. (And no, BFF, I am not referring to your house.) And maybe I can't get myself or my family a ton of "stuff" for Christmas, but there are presents in the garage and Pat's closet. But, my house is full of love.

I have enough time for what's important. My house is a mess, and I feel like I have no time to ever get it clean, but I know that Nathaniel knows I love him. He knows that when he asks "Mommy, come to the kitchen wif me" (yes, wif) to play with his magnet letters and numbers, I will be on the dirty floor right next to him. I think about all the stuff I wanted to get done on the day I stayed home with Nathaniel when he was sick, but I gladly spent 4 hours with him lying in my arms since he was comfortable (and not puking).

I have a husband who loves me. I cannot express how wonderful that one thing is. To have someone in the world that knows all about me, has seen me at my best and worst, has seen me naked and still loves me anyway is just incredible. TMI ALERT I mean, the guy once wiped my butt for me because I couldn't turn around. (It was right after I had the C-section.)

I know that our realationship is a two way street. I know that Pat would do anything for me, just as he knows I would do the same for him. For example, today, although I had a whopping 3 hours of sleep last night, I picked up Pat because he was too sick to drive back to the garage to drop off his truck. It was right in the middle of naptime, and I was asleep. Did I hesitate? Nope. He needed me and I was there for him. (So glad Nathaniel and I didn't go to the zoo!!!)

I have some very good friends that will never fall by the wayside. I don't know where I would be without my best friend, and I hope that she feels the same. She knows my deepest issues and I know hers. I can't even explain how valueable she is. She is my sounding board, and I am hers. Even though we live far apart and are at two different points in our lives, we can still relate. I worry that the things I confide in her about hurt her, since some of those things are things she wants, but she always assures me that is not the case. I hope that some day (soon!) she gets her heart's desire.

Indeed, I have a lot to be grateful for.

Eye Doc, Bills, and "Hookey"

I went to the eye doctor yesterday. For the past few days, there has been an irritant in my left eye. I was afraid that it was a shard of glass from when my vase broke on Sunday. Fortunately, he didn't see anything in my eye. However, my body is reacting to something, sending white blood cells to my eye, forming little white bumps under my eyelid. So I have antibiotics for the next week, as well as warm compresses for the next five days or so.

Immediately after the first dose of antibiotics, my eye started feeling better. Thank God for that, but I can't wear my contacts for a week, which blows. We were planning to go away this weekend to Starved Rock. How am I going to spend an entire weekend outside without sunglasses?? Well, the mail took care of that worry.

After getting home from the doctor, (an unexpected $50 spent- when you include my lunch at Panda Express since I had to wait for my prescription) I got the mail. In the mail was the gas bill, the cable bill, the water bill, a red light ticket for Pat, and the tax bill. Now we can afford to pay all these bills, but there goes our vacation. I am most afraid of the tax bill. We don't have enough in our escrow to cover that. We are short about $600. How does the second installment of taxes double from the first installment? It's the 2010 bill, not even this year! I have no idea how this will impact our mortgage payments. That really worries me.

It's not like we went out and found a house that was way overpriced and that we knew we coulnd't afford. We knew exactly what we could afford and that's what we bought. So why do I have the feeling that we are in financial dire straits? Plus, when Pat figures this out (or if I tell him why I am so freaked) there is no way he will agree to have another child... or even try.

I really, really want that. Even if we don't have another baby, I want to try until the end of this year. That way, I can say I did everything I could to have another one.

I accept what is, but I can't help but worry about it anyway. Is there anything that I can do to change what is? No. Will worrying about it take it away? No.

After this weekend, some of my other stressors will be gone. I am staying home today (to rest my eye, hence the hookey) and I am hoping to get my Spanish final done as well as the rest of the thank you notes from Pat's dads funeral. Get that monkey off my back once and for all. I also want to go shopping for groceries for next week, since I took the money out of the bank this morning. I know that I'll spend it on other stuff if it stays in my wallet. I also have to get a few birthday cards and an anniversary card.

I have nothing to give to Pat for our anniversary, and that makes me feel like crap. He doesn't understnad why it bothers me so much. I know that I provide him with dinner every night, and he has clean clothes and a place to lay his head every night. But I would do that for him anyway. How do I show him that I really and truly do love him? I know that the actions of the other 364 days show him that, but our anniversary is such a special day to me. I'm sure I'll come up with something. Maybe just bake another apple pie.

Super Mom I'm Not

I love my mom to death, but man she makes me feel so incompetent. She comes over to baby sit, and in the 2 hours she has Nathaniel, she has time to play with him, do the dishes, and clean off my kitchen counter.

I am with him every afternoon, and all we ever get to do it play and make a bigger mess. I never feel like I get a chance to clean up the house. I don't regret the time spent playing with Nathaniel, but I get so backed up with everything else. By the time he goes to bed, I am purely exhausted. I end up falling asleep myself, usually around 8:30. What kind of life is that?

I also have a facebook friend who makes me feel like super sloth. She has a 2 year old daughter, just a few weeks younger than Nathaniel, but she gets some much done during the day. I am just in awe of her, too. She's a stay at home mom, but I know how crazy that can be, so it's not like she's got tons of time to get everything done herself, but always manages to do it. Mom too.

I know I can't keep comparing myself to everyone else. (Especially since the FB friend is in her early 20's, as was my mom when she had all her kids, and I am in my -gulp- mid to late 30's.)

I did manage to get some stuff done today. I took the two leaves out of the table and turned it back into a table for 4. I vacuumed the living room and dining room, did a load of dishes, baked a pie, went grocery shopping for all of next week, got some Christmas shopping done, took out the garbage, sorted the recycling and cleaned the kitchen counter.

I guess when I look back on this time of my life, I will say that I spent it the right way... with Nathaniel, developing our relationship and fostering his love for reading and education. (OK, it's my hope.) I know that I'll never regret spending the time with him instead of cleaning, I just wish I could be a super mom like so many others seem to be.

Feeling Down

Today was Nathaniel's last day with the babysitter who he has been with since he was 12 weeks old. I am really sad about that. We really loved her, we just didn't want him to get hurt by the other little girl there anymore.

So I picked him up today, and we were all crying. Then she tells me that she's never had anyone leave her daycae unhappy. That made me feel like shit. It's not that we are unhappy, we just want what's best for Nathaniel. I am truly happy with the decision we made to send him to school. I never intended to hurt her (the babysitter) or anyone else for that matter, but I have to take care of my son.

I was crying so hard when I was there, picking him up. I kept telling myself that it would all be over soon, and that I would get through it and I did. But why do I feel so terrible then? I know that right after we left she went into the kitchen and cried, so that the other kids wouldn't see her.

If we were to ever have another child (ha ha) then I would not hesitate to have her care for that one too. I already recommended her to a colleague who is getting married next week, telling her that when she and her hubs to be are ready, the babysitter is great. I am hoping that I don't feel sad much longer. Nathaniel's teachers at school love him so much too, and he does get a lot of attention there. One of his teachers told me he was her favorite, and made no attempt to hide it.

I know it will all work out in the end, I just want to feel like the right decision was made.

Nothing

I really have nothing to write about, but I feel like I should have tons to get out. I am feeling a little down in the dumps right now, after having such a good day. I don't know what's going on in my head. I am feeling so overwhelemed with all the stuff I want to/need to do, with the result that I am not doing anything!

I haven't finished the thank you cards for Pat, I have tons of work to do for school, my house is a huge mess, and I have to take my final for my spanish class. I am nowhere near ready for that. If readiness were a state, it would be Alaska and I'd be in Florida with the old people! (Hey, it's thundering outside!)

See, no focus whatsoever. I should've started a load of laundry tonight. But I didn't. I will start the laundry whenever I get up tomorrow (which will be early, since Pat needs to get up). It's my goal for tomorrow. I would also love to vacuum the living room and take the leaves out of the dining room table. Such lofty goals, huh?

Anyway, hopefully in another week, my life will return to normal and I can move on with everything else. And by that, I mean to make a schedule and follow it, plus a more realistic cleaning plan.

Can We Just Skip to October?

I mean, it's already dropping into the low 50's at night. We've already done open house at work, and we're so over the whole Back-to-School thing. The leaves have started falling off the tree. And Survivor has started. (and I was so happy when I was watching it!!!!)

I think the further I get into the school year, the better it will go for me. I finally got some sleep Thuersday night, and what a difference it made for Friday. I'm sure the jeans and sweatshirt didn't hurt, either. Yay for dress down days!

I was also able to get out for a walk with Nathaniel today. It's amazing how much my mood has improved in the last 48 hours. I hope we're on an up-swing.

The Voices Won't Stop!

The voices in my head won't stop talking to me. I am going nuts with the lack of sleep. I haven't been sleeping well lately. I can't seem to shut off my mind. There are just so many things running around in there, and it seems they have the space to do it! It's 11:45 pm, and I plan on getting up at 6 tomorrow morning so that I can get to work early. I have tons of stuff to do there too. None that I really want to do though.

I have been really struggling with this school year. It started out great but went to shit pretty quick. I don't want to be there, and I really don't feel like I like any of my students. I would hate for Nathaniel to ever have a teacher that feels like that, and I am trying to remind myself of that every day. I pray that God helps me to be the teacher that my students need, but it doesn't seem to happen for me. I have been looking to schools to see what else I can do with my life, but what kind of job security will that give me? What about spending time with Nathaniel? Right now, I get to sepnd a lot of time with him, and I love that. And I really do like teaching, I enjoy it overall, but I am just struggling this year. And that sucks because behaviorally, my class is pretty good. Academically, they want to try (ok, well most of them). So obviously, the problem is me.

I am also feeling quite overwhelmed by debt right now. I know that I'm getting an extra paycheck this month, which will help greatly, but I still have the mortgage, daycare (both of them) electric, gas, credit cards and everything else to pay for and I just feel like I am just barely treading water. I know in the back of my head (somewhere) that we have enough to pay for our bills. But until I actually get everything paid, it will be on my mind. This is not conducive to sleep, however.

I am hopeful that soon my mind will calm down and allow me to sleep peacefully and deeply, and restfully.

I Guess I'm Human After All

Who knew? Apparently, I am not the cold, heartless bitch that I thought. (or that others thought, I'm not really sure.) I say this because tomorrow is Pat's Dad's wake.

And I am sad.

I had to buy the paper this morning, to get his obituary so that I could take my three days bereavement and get paid for it, instead of using sick days. I opened up the Sun Times and started to read it.

And I cried.

I am not sad that a major stressor is gone from my life. I am not sad that Pat can now come home at the end of his long workday. But I am sad that Nathaniel will not remember either of his grandfathers. I am sad that he will not grow up hearing thier stories. I am sad that Pat is so hurt (although he really tries to hide it.)

But, I am also sad that I just couldn't have let it all go before he died. Honestly, I think about it and wonder how much of the bullshit was real and how much was imaginary? But, wouldn't he have been happy that there is a person in this world that would defend his son and grandson at any expense?

No matter how negative a thing he said about my son or my husband (his own son) I would have fought him tooth and nail. What parent wouldn't want a person like that in their child's life?

When Pat and I first became aware that we were going to be parents ourselves, we had several long talks about how we would be different from our parents. I remember him swearing to me that he would never treat Nathaniel the way that his dad treated him (regarding the negativity and manipulation). The fact that he could even acknowledge that there was something disfunctional about his relationship with his dad speaks volumes. So not all of it was in my imagination.

In discussing my feelings with my sounding board and BFF, we talked about how Pat's dad loved kids. I had heard stories about how he adored Pat's sister (same mom, different dad) when she was young. He loved Johnny's little girl while she was around. He even would play with and buy Christmas presents for my nephew Larry. Then there was Nathaniel. I think he thought the sun rose and set on that kid's behind. (Doesn't it? I am pretty sure that's true.) SO masybe he just loved kids until they got to a certain age.

If that's so, then maybe it's a good thing that he died before Nathaniel hit that age of the stand off. I am honestly doing my best to make sure that Nathaniel will always love his grandpa, and that's where I start to tear up.

Because, his grandpa really loved him. And that goes a long way with softening my heart. So, I guess I'm human after all. I just hope that my tears don't look fake tomorrow or Thursday. They are real. And so is the sadness.

It's Over

Pat's dad died yesterday. Pat was able to be with him in the end, so I am happy for that, because he is happy that he was there. I don't know how I would've felt had I been with my dad when he took his last breath. I don't know if that would have made it easier or not. But that's not what this entry is about.

I am not sure how I can comfort Pat. I of course gave him a hug when he finally got home last night. I will take phone calls for him when he just can't answer the phone anymore. I will be there, waiting for him to open up on me or unleash his grief and/or anger. And I will of course accept condolences from people to pass along to him. I will be there to remind him that he was a wonderful son to his father, no matter what other people might say, and I will defend him and his decisions until my own dying breath.

But I am not grieving the way he is. I couldn't. If his dad had died years ago, before we got engaged, I would have been really upset. But the past 3 plus years of my life have been so different from the previous 6 1/2... when Pat and I were just dating.

I am of course saddened for my husband's loss. I will grieve with him. I will help him to remember the "good times" he had with his dad. I will help Nathaniel remember his Grandpa (because despite how little I liked the man, N loved him, and he loved Nathaniel). I will never take that from him. In fact, I think the only positive thing about the man was that he did love his grandson. I have always acknowledged that.

I will work to not let my hatred for him cloud Nathaniel's feelings and memories, if he should carry any into the future. (He is only 2, afterall.)

I am sorry that my son will not grow up with grandfathers. But there are pictures and there are memories that can be kept.

And now, I face a dilemma. One of my 101 things to do was to forgive and forget. Right after Nathaniel's birthday, I had said that I would never be able to do it. I couldn't forgive or forget what he said to me and did to me. What he did just hurt me too much. So here's the dilemma: do I take it off my list and replace it with something else or do I just leave it there, as a reminder that AI couldn't accomplish everything?

Bitter

A friend announced on facebook yesterday that she's expecting her third child. WHile I love my son and am happy that we have our one perfect child, I can't help but be sad and bitter (and jealous!) about this. Maybe because everything is so up in the air right now. Maybe it's the PMS. But I think that most likely it's because my due date is quickly approaching for the one I lost in March.

Don't get me wrong, I am very happy for the friend and I do not begrudge anyone their own happiness, but today it just stings a little.

Edited at 11:10 to add: An online "friend" just announced her pregnancy. I only know this woman as an internet stranger that frequents the same forums that I do. I am beyond thrilled for her, and not one ounce of bitterness or jealousy. This is her first, after many years of infertility and trying. She was scheduled for an IVF in Octeober, but managed a Hail Mary. I do not know anything about her other than her strugles, but I feel complete and total joy for her.

(The other person already has two kids. Still jealous and bitter.)

A Lot of Randoms

So, where to begin? I took Nathaniel back to daycare last week, and as I posted, I felt really guilty. He got scratched bad his first day back and Pat and I were livid. So he is now going to a new school 3 days a week and is in the daycare 2 days a week. He's only staying there until I can get him in full time at the new place. I never felt that our provider didn't keep him safe enough, but it happened at least once a week (a bite, hitting, or scratch) and enough was enough for us. It certainly wasn't how we thought it would go, but it is what it is. N is happy at the new place, I just worry that I've traded once biter for 20.

I am starting a new school year myself. Yes, already. School starts Monday and I am actually in my classroom now, having lunch, waiting for the afternoon meetings to start. Yesterday was very difficult for me. I could NOT stay awake during the meetings and such. I really missed my nap. I am doing ok right now, but I guarantee I am taking a nap tomorrow!!!

I have also discovered that the Meatball subs from Subway do not taste good on the honey oat bread. Feeling a little disappointed by that one.

I am trying to make plans (meal plans) for next week, since I will be dog tired. Pat is off Monday, which will help a lot. I told him he had to make dinner that night. So we'll either have peanut butter and jelly or we'll go out. I am really hoping we go out. I want to really strive towards a goal of 25 pounds lost. Just 25. I'll worry about the rest later. I just want to lose 25. Of course, that means no more meatball subs, but I can get other subs made into a salad. So keep reading for updates on that 25 pound goal.

What else? I am kinda looking forward to the next school year (the one that has started for us teachers). I just have that fresh new school year feeling. The one that you just feel so full of hope and excitement. I didn't have that last year or the year before, so I am happy that I feel this way again.

I guess I just feel like everything is coming together for us. And for me. There is a lot of uncertainty that has been settled, and that's a great feeling. So long as I can get my health issues together (again, no more meatball subs) everything else should be gravy. (Mmm, gravy...)

It's gonna be an exciting next year!

The Three Year Plan

I am putting myself on what I like to call the "3 year plan." You know how when you get your credit card statements, it shows what you will pay in interest and the total if you only make the minimum payment? And below that it shows you what you could pay a month to pay off the card in three years? That is what I am doing.

I am going to cut the cards (ouch!) and stop using them. I am also going to have to stay the Hell away from Target. I think it's almost to the point of being in need of an intervention.

I need to do this now to prepare for our future. I feel confident that I can so this. It coincides with the time that Nathaniel will go to Kindergarten. Imagine being debt free the same time you stop paying for daycare! What we will do with the extra money???

We have already made a plan for Christmas. During September, October and November, we will both put aside $200. That will give us $1200 for Christmas, which is more than sufficient for all our familes, Nathaniel's teachers, and food for Christmas dinner. This way, we (I) won't have to use the credit cards.

Hoping that I can be successful in this new venture.

A Chance to Sit and Think

I finally have a moment to reflect on the past few days/weeks. I have this as I struggle with my own guilt. I took (sent) Nathaniel back to day care a week early. I know that he was bored with just being with me, so I am glad that he's back with other kids... but I feel so guilt for being home when he's not here. It makes me feel like a failure. Like I am not a great mom (or even a good mom) because I couldn't spend the whole summer with him. I have (and had) so much that I needed to get done this summer, and not of it has been accomplished. So that is what I will be doing this week. I have things planned as a list for every day this week. I'm looking forward to cleaning and getting rid of a bunch of old things. But that will come later. First, I need to clean out my own head.

First, my sister came to visit. I love when she comes to town. She stays here with us, and I take her to my mom's and shopping, etc. It's a good time, and Nathaniel loves to have comapny. However, this time was different. I got really sick... no, not of her but of the way we eat when we are together. I know my weaknesses and she knows hers. But there is something so almost disfunctional about us being together. We eat horribly. After only 2 days, I was so sick and felt like absolute garbage. I guess I came to Jesus again. I can't eat like that.

We enable each other. That needs to stop for both our sakes. I really hope that the next time she visits, I am a stronger person and can refuse the foods that she can only get here. (Especially since I had just gone to the doctor and I know better!)

Another thing that's been weighing on my mind has been my quest for another child. I have said it a million times before that if Nathaniel was the only child I ever have, then I am far more blessed than I ever deserved to be. I truly do believe that. I have come to terms with the fact that he will be my only child. I lvoe him, and I want him to have everything he needs. Right now, we can do that. I know (hope) that I meet all his emotional, physical, and mental needs. But if he's our only, I can meet his financial needs too.

It's not all about the money. I don't mean for it to sound like that. But there is a certain sense of peace that comes with knowing that he doesn't have to been saddled with student loans when he graduates from college. Or knowing that he won't have to work full time so that he can focus on his education.

I also (selfishly) really like being able to sleep again. I wouldn't be able to do that with another newborn. And I remember how incredibly difficult it was for the first 6 months of his life. Yes, I loved him like crazy, but I couldn't and didn't adjust well. So again, I am at peace with being one and done.

And speaking of that, we were able to go out this weekend and buy him his new big boy bed. He is getting a full size bed, and we are so excited about redoing his room. OK, I am excited. Pat just goes along with it. I will be taking pictures soon.

Another part of my brain decluttering was physically decluttering. I got rid of almost all of Nathaniel's baby clothes, all the bottles, and a lot of the toys. I still have the high chair and the crib, and the crib will be harder for me to pass on to someone else. I am hoping to sell it. We're not ready to get rid of the changing table yet, but hopefully by Christmas.

I have also Have been shopping quite a bit lately. I really want to lose weight, but I've gone ahead and accpeted that my shape has changed and things aren't in the same place they used to be since having N.) The pants that I just bought are a size bigger than most of the pants I own. It makes me feel like shit, but it also makes me more comfortable. I accept myself (most days) and I am hoping that even though I went up a size, I can still be attractive and healthy.

Ah, yes, healthy. Granted, it's only 10:15 am, but I have followed Atkins all morning. Even when I didn't want to. I was so ready to stop at Burger King or McDonalds to grab breakfast this morning, but I didn't. I have to meal plan for the week, so I can go grocery shopping, because I really want to be successful. I will be more than happy to throw out or donate those new clothes if I can easily get back into my other clothes or even buy new clothes in a smaller size.

So, although there has been a lot going on, I am feeling optimistic about the future. I am hoping that this next school year can be successful for me and my students. I am hoping that my new clothes will instill a new sense of confidence in me. Because if I have confidence in how I look, then I will have confidence that I can succeed in other areas of my life.

Beginnings and Endings

Today was a really good day for me. I feel like I've accomplished something great... passed a milestone of sorts. My dear friend came to visit me today and brought her adorable baby boy with her. Since her little guy was born at the end of June, just like my Nathaniel, I offered her his gently used clothing.

When I first had the idea, I was sure that I wanted to get rid of it. When she accepted the offer, I wasn't as sure. I had to go through the boxes of clothes, because I knew there were outfits that I wanted to keep. Going through those boxes was so difficult. More than I thought it would be.

But, today, as she went through the boxes, all the memories of where we had gone and who gave them to Nathaniel came rushing back. And I was happy. Yes. HAPPY. Was that why I was holding on to everything. (And seriously, everything. There were 14 boxes of clothes from 0-3 months to 12 months.)

So it was symbollically the ending of Nathaniel's babyhood and the ending of my clinging to it. But it was the beginning of a new life for those clothes, and others can appreciate them.

* There was going to be much more to this entry, but I started it on Monday and it's now Wednesday and I don't remember what else I was going to write.

Harry Potter and Other Goals

So I have accomplished a few of the goals this week. Nathaniel and I blew dandelions, we went to the zoo, and I mailed the invites for Pat's 30th birthday. I also went to see that last Harry Potter movie today. It was nothing short of spectacular! It was honestly one of the best movies I've seen. It may just move up to the number 2 movie on my all time list. (Is there anything that could replace Star Wars?) If I had a young adult vs. now list of movies, I think that HP 7.2 would be on the top. It was so wonderfully done.

Well, now I have finished 27 of my 101 things. I feel pretty good about that. I do understand that I picked some really easy things to do, but I had to start somewhere.

A Perfect Day

Today was just a perfect day. Nathaniel and I were fortunate enough to go to Brookfield Zoo today. The weather was incredible! It was about 78 degrees and very little humidity.

We got there around ten am (they open at 9:30) and we were able to find a parking spot relatively close to the entrance. I pulled out the stroller and got Nathaniel settled. I brought PB&J's and fruit snacks for lunch. We had a few bottles of water and a can of pop in the cooler.

When we got in, I decided to get the admission plus 3, which means admission to the zoo plus three other activities. It was a great deal, considering Nathaniel is still free, so I only had to pay for myself! I chose the motor safari (the tram), the Children's zoo (which is just a petting zoo) and the Carousel. Nathaniel has never done any of those, so I was looking forward to them.

We decided (ok, I decided) to go see the Great Bear Wilderness first. It was awesome! We got to see the polar bears up close and the grizzly was sleeping right next to the viewing glass. Nathaniel started singing Brown Bear, Brown Bear. I was jsut so proud. He knew that the point was to see the animals, and he looked everywhere for them.

He pointed our bears, birds, fish, giraffes, tigers and even a hippo. The best was when we went to see the living coast and the volunteer told him there was a shark in the water. (A small one and I can't remember what kind.) What does my son do? Da- da... da- da. Yep, he starts singing the theme from Jaws! The lady was astounded. (We used to sing it all the time when we were feeding him baby purees, and still do it now when we tickle him.) So funny!

Anyway, as the day progressed, Nathaniel decided that he wanted to walk and I was more than happy to oblige him. (Exercise in the sun= good night's sleep!) He was so well behaved. I let him decide which way he wanted to go for the most part, and when we didn't go his way he pulled for a minute, but came along with me. Not one single tantrum.

I wish I could say the same thing for the people around us. There were so many kids throwing insane tantrums. I;m not talking about 3 or 4 year old, who might be excused for being over tired. I'm talking 8 or 9 year olds. They were throwing themselves on the ground or their parents were dragging them. Nathaniel looked at them and said "time out." I thought I would pee my pants laughing.

I also recieved several ocmpliments from other parents on how well behaved Nathaniel was. I admit, I swelled with pride. He really is well behaved. He made the day perfect.

After we had walked for a while, we decided to take the tram for a bit. He was so excited, thinking it would be like the train. It was fun, and relaxing, except I couldn't take my stroller on the tram. SO we had to go all the way around to go get the stroller. But, it did help me decide what else we needed to see, and where the children's zoo was.

So after the tram, we did the children's zoo. Nathaniel liked it because it had low sinks that kids could wash their own hands in. But, I think he was equally as excited when he was brushing the goat or petting the chicken and sheep. (Or yelling "MOOOOO!" at the cows.

Now, it was getiting to be a little bit of a long day, as it was almost 1:45 and we had been walking most of the day. (I know that the day I DON'T take the stroller is the day he will want to ride in it all day.) SO we walked over the the carousel. He has never been on one and I was worried that he wouldn't like it.

I couldn't have been more wrong! He loved it! He rode on the elephant and before the ride even started, he was saying "GO! GO! GO!" It was just awesome.

We left after that, with no whining or crying about toys. (I'm sure that at some point in his life, we will have this problem, as I know he can throw wicked fits.) But he wasn't one of those kids who were riding in the stroller, feet dragging because they're too big for the thing, while their mom carries a baby in her arms.

In the end, we were able to see the entire zoo, and we were there for about 4 1/2 hours. My well behaved little boy made my day so happy and wonderful. He walked with me for about 2 1/2 of those hours, and slept the half hour it took to get home. (yeah, I know.. a half hour. He'll be tired tonight!)

The only thing that could have made it better was if Pat was with. Maybe for Boo! at the Zoo in October.

Who Is That?

When I look at myself in the mirror, I don't know who I see. I feel like I know her name, but I don't really know anything about her. She looks so weak, but I know that she has done many things that take strength. She looks tired, but I know that she will continue working until everything is finished. She looks happy, but I know that she is not.

What the hell is going on with me? Since last week, I certainly have not felt like myself at all. I feel so overwhelmed at the tiniest of things. I get so irritated so quickly (faster than before, if you can believe that!). I don't understand why people make the choices they do.

A prime example: I cleaned out the basement over the weekend. Well, one eyesore in particular. Pat had told me that he would take care of it and after 5 months, I got really tired of seeing it. Most of it was broken down cardboard that could go into the recycling. So, I took all the garbage out of the box, and put in only broken down boxes for the green recycling bin for Wednesday's garbage pick up.

I asked him to take it out and put it in the bin, which is the size of our big garbage can (it hold like 7 garbabge bags). When he came back in, I asked him if he got it in there. He said "I didn't think it would fit, so I didn't put it in."

I just don't get that. So instead of putting some of the cardboard in (to an EMPTY container) you put none, because you thought that it wouldn't all fit???

That is when I became furious! It was like a switch flipped in my brain. It is pissing me off again just writing about it. WTF!?!?!?!?!

I get mad (and hurt again) every time I look at Pat. I know that's not right and that's not normal. I do love him, and God knows he is trying. We went to Michigan City yesterday. He called and asked if we wanted to go once Nathaniel got up from his nap. Since he hadn't gone down yet, we left right after Pat got home. On the way out there, he tried to hold my hand in the car, as we used to do. I just couldn't (because of the pain in looking at him and being with him). Anyway, we finally get out there and his phone rings. It's his dad, who so very conveniently, is on his way to Michigan City. (his uncle and cousin were already out there, at the cottage, when Pat had said "let's just take a drive, the 3 of us.")

So his dad has really incredible timing, huh? Two incidents in less than a week? I don't think so. But here's where Pat is trying. We went to the outlet mall and then went back home. We did not stop and see his family (two of the three would have been ok) but instead went back home. So I know he is at least trying to get it, but I really think that being with his family would be too much for me right now. I feel like they all had a part in his decision and what he wants. Much like my family influenced me and my decisions. But his was so sudden and the hurt is still very real.

So I have decided that after school starts again and things settle down a bit (with that, I don't think they'll ever settle down here) I am going to seek out some counceling. I can't live like this anymore, nor should I have to. I would love to be the happy girl that I used to be. I just hope that when I look in the mirror, I can find her.

So Hurt

I couldn't even write last night when this happened because I was just too shocked, too emotional, and too mad.


I have been wanting to have another child for a little over a year, and Pat and I had discussed it for a long time. He wasn't sure, and kept coming up with reasons not to have another one. But for every one of his reasons not to, I had a reason to go ahead and do it. We started trying last June, when Nathaniel was a year old. No luck in June, July, August, September or October. We stopped trying in November, as it was becoming difficult to see those negative tests every month.

Imagine my surprise when I got a postive in February. We had stopped trying (partly because Pat wasn't working) so it was an even bigger surprise than I thought. There was honestly a part of me that didn't want to get pregnant then. We were just getting settled in our house. Nathaniel was very settled in his role as the center of the universe. I wasn't sure if I wanted to disrupt everything he has ever known.

But, being selfish, I did want to give him a brother or sister.

I look at what Pat has to go through with his dad. He is the only one caring for that man. When my Dad was sick, there were more people to help with the care. We shared the responsibility, the grief, the joy. There is no one to help out for Pat.

I don't want Nathaniel to carry the burden of caring for both of us. So having another child would do that.
OK, this got way off topic, but I guess it's ok, since I am allowed to ramble when I want to.

So, on July 4th, I got a positive on my OPK (ovulation predictor kit). That means that somewhere in the next 12 to 48 hours, I would ovulate. Now, as everyone knows, you have to have sex to get pregnant. We did twice on the 4th, but when I wanted to last night (on the 5th) he said no. Then he started talking abhout how he was scared to have more kids and how we can't afford it and all this other bullshit.

I was just so stunned. This came out of nowhere. We had talked after the misscariage and we had agreed that we would try again once the there mnths were up. I am so hurt. I feel like he's been lying to me for the past 4 months. How do I continue?

What if I get pregnant during this cycle? Will he still love the baby? Will he be happy? I know that he will accept and love a baby if we were to have another one. It's the stupidest thing I've ever had run through my head, but it's still there. Because he hurt me so bad last night, worrying if we have another child it won't be as wonderful as Nathaniel is.

He said it didn't have anything to do with the comment his dad made, but I'm wondering if that's the truth. Who knows what else he's been lying about? I am just so crushed.