So Hurt

I couldn't even write last night when this happened because I was just too shocked, too emotional, and too mad.


I have been wanting to have another child for a little over a year, and Pat and I had discussed it for a long time. He wasn't sure, and kept coming up with reasons not to have another one. But for every one of his reasons not to, I had a reason to go ahead and do it. We started trying last June, when Nathaniel was a year old. No luck in June, July, August, September or October. We stopped trying in November, as it was becoming difficult to see those negative tests every month.

Imagine my surprise when I got a postive in February. We had stopped trying (partly because Pat wasn't working) so it was an even bigger surprise than I thought. There was honestly a part of me that didn't want to get pregnant then. We were just getting settled in our house. Nathaniel was very settled in his role as the center of the universe. I wasn't sure if I wanted to disrupt everything he has ever known.

But, being selfish, I did want to give him a brother or sister.

I look at what Pat has to go through with his dad. He is the only one caring for that man. When my Dad was sick, there were more people to help with the care. We shared the responsibility, the grief, the joy. There is no one to help out for Pat.

I don't want Nathaniel to carry the burden of caring for both of us. So having another child would do that.
OK, this got way off topic, but I guess it's ok, since I am allowed to ramble when I want to.

So, on July 4th, I got a positive on my OPK (ovulation predictor kit). That means that somewhere in the next 12 to 48 hours, I would ovulate. Now, as everyone knows, you have to have sex to get pregnant. We did twice on the 4th, but when I wanted to last night (on the 5th) he said no. Then he started talking abhout how he was scared to have more kids and how we can't afford it and all this other bullshit.

I was just so stunned. This came out of nowhere. We had talked after the misscariage and we had agreed that we would try again once the there mnths were up. I am so hurt. I feel like he's been lying to me for the past 4 months. How do I continue?

What if I get pregnant during this cycle? Will he still love the baby? Will he be happy? I know that he will accept and love a baby if we were to have another one. It's the stupidest thing I've ever had run through my head, but it's still there. Because he hurt me so bad last night, worrying if we have another child it won't be as wonderful as Nathaniel is.

He said it didn't have anything to do with the comment his dad made, but I'm wondering if that's the truth. Who knows what else he's been lying about? I am just so crushed.