Just had to note the day

My angel pie is so wondrously sweet. I had such a crappy day (even though I am now 1/2 way through the make-up to school for two weeks goal) and I just wanted to go to bed when I got home. I knew that wouldn't happen. To sum up the afternoon, Nathaniel went to bed about an hour later than he normally does. When that happens, it takes longer for him to go down, because he's over tired.

Anyway, on the 4th time putting him back in his bed, I just held him for a whle. He was resting his head on my shoulder and he suddenly picked it up and grabbed my face with his two little hands and kissed me three times on my nose. He just started giving me (and only me) kisses with his lips a few days ago. It was so sweet I just started to cry. He said "no cry." I stopped crying and starting singing him his "I love Nathaniel" song that I have sung to him since he was born.

To the tune of "Frere Jaques"
I love Nathaniel, I love Nathaniel,
Yes I do. Yes I do.
He is my so big boy. He is my so big boy,
I love you. Yes I do.

When I had finished singing it, he looked up at me and said in his perfectly sweet voice "lul loo too." My heart just melted. Any hardships I face will be easier because I have that sweet little boy in my life. God has truly blessed me more than I ever deserved to be.

Why did I think it would be better in the basement?

Pat picked up Nathaniel from daycare today so that I could do some errands after school today. (And I was successful with those!) So, since I got home before them, I decided that I would go ahead and work out before dinner. Brilliant thinking on my part, right? So I did the Zumba basic and it was HELL. I knew that after sitting on the couch for so long, it would be hard, but I really did enjoy it. Pat and Nathaniel came home and came downstairs to see me. Let's just say that Pat enjoyed it, the perv. Nathaniel loves music, so he was dancing too. I finished up my workout and then went to go upstairs. Um, didn't I just work my legs really hard? Yeah, that was me. I lifted my leg to put it on the bottom step and BAM! That stuff hurt! What was I thinking?

But, I made it up the stairs and now I get to make dinner. I really don't want to eat. Maybe that's a good thing. Working out may just be a heck of an appetite suppressant.

Sidelined by a migraine

Yeah, even though I was ready to go for it again, I ended my day with a migraine. I am going to bed now. No exercise, and since I overslept this morning... I ate some crap for breakfast. Really bad day.

Done in by two tiny batteries

Yesterday, while I was visiting my mom and sister, I asked Pat to hook up the new DVD player to the basement tv so I could work out. He did, and I was really excited this morning to be able to work out when Nathaniel was in bed. I got home from work, really damn tired and the last thing I wanted to do was workout. But, after Nathaniel was in bed, I changed into some workout clothes and went downstairs. I put in Zumba and although I had NO desire to do so, pressed play on the DVD player. It took me through the introduction and then back to the main menu. OK, I wanted to go on to the basic workout. But, the only buttons on the unit are stop, play/pause, open, and power. There is no way to fast forward or go to the next chapter unless you use the remote. ANd no, it didn't have batteries. All I needed was 2 AAA batteries and I would have done the workout.

I am kinda pissed at myself for this, because I knew I bought the cheapest player I could find, but I didn't expect it to be that cheap. I am also mad that I didn't read the box yesterday when I bought it. Ugh.

So, here I am, on the first day, and I didn't even work out. Done in by two tiny batteries. Now I jsut want to go to bed. I am tired and I am afraid that since I didn't work out today, I won't do it tomorrow either. Boy, I could really use some support. Someone needs to come and kick my ass so that I exercise. Tomorrow I will!

A small victory

I went to Target today to buy some gifts for a friend's baby shower. I love looking at and buying baby stuff. The first time I went to buy things, I looked at things for us, too. The second time I went, I was only able to get a few small things before I broke out in tears and had to go. So, today, on my third attempt, I was able to buy some things without crying at all. It's a small victory, but an important one nonetheless.

Also, on a completely unrelated note (but it might turn into a victory too) we got our tax refund this morning. We are going to get our new tv. As I thought, the new one will go in the living room, the living room one will go in the bedroom, and the bedroom tv will go downstairs. I think Pat is secretly very happy that I want to put a tv downstairs to exercise, so that he can have a bigger tv to play video games on.

Apparently, I am a moron and other random thoughts

I can't even begin to describe how idiotic I feel right now. Today is Parent Teacher conferences, and I am on the teacher end. (Have to wait a few years to be on the parent end.) Anyway, I got my report cards ready today and began conferences. One student came in and I gave the student his report card, and expressed my sincerest apologies to the parent because the students got D's in Reading, Language Arts, and Health. Granted, I don't teach that student those classes, but the student is an A and B student-- a really smart kid. So, they left to talk to the reading teacher and they were crying- Mom, the student, the translator. I go on with another conference and see this student waiting to talk to me again. So I ask them back in and they explain to me that I had given that student the wrong report card! I have never been so embarrassed in my life! I have been teaching for 15 years and that has never happened! I felt so stupid and I just kept apologizing to the family and the student. I hope I can live this one down eventually.

On a more positive note, I wore make up to work today, so if I do it for the next 9 school days, I can check another task off my list- wear make-up to school every day for 2 weeks. It took longer thanI had hoped to get ready this morning, but I also put mousse in my hair and used the blow dryer. Nathaniel looked at it like it was soemthing he'd never seen before. I can believe that, actually. Who wants to spend all that time doing that? There's no one that I am trying to impress. But maybe if I start doing it regularly, I can do it all the time. Did that remind anyone else of exercising? Yeah, it's in the works.

When we get our tax refund, I want to get a new tv for the bedroom (which will end up being a new tv for the living room, and the living room one goes to the bedroom, and the bedroom one goes to the basement). Um, so in that roundabout way, I will get a TV and DVD player for the basement so I can work out. I bought the Zumba DVD's and they are fun, but it's really hard to dance like tht in gym shoes on carpet. Since there's tile downstairs, I can do it easier down there. Plus, I won't have the embarrassment of doing it where people could see me. Maybe I'll look at Costco this weekend for a new tv.

Fate, you are a vile, cruel thing!

I looked in every single stinking box in the basement and I can't find those damn journals anyhwhere!!!! I was so ready to be rid of them and just thinking about physically destroying them to get closure and now they are missing. ARGH!!!!!!
I will have to keep looking.
I was so ready and willing...

A Nice Change

So, I've decided that this weekend I will tackle another task on my list. I am going to get rid of my old journals. God help me! These are the journals from high school (are they really over 20 years old?) and college. Ugh. So many memories. I now wish we had gotten a house with a fire place.

I think **and hope** that getting rid of them will be a healing process for me... to get rid of all the old pain that I had. Hopefully, I will be able to let it all go and see myself the way that Pat sees me. I fully intend on reading them one last time, although I am not sure if that's too smart. There is so much hurt in them. I've been wanting to get rid of them for YEARS, but I just couldn't let go. I am hoping that by making sure they are gone, that the hurt, sad, and utterly forgettable girl will go with them, allowing me to become me. I am hoping that by getting rid of that extra weight, I can start getting rid of the real extra weight.

I've been doing a lot of thinking on this subject lately. When I watch The Biggest Loser or Heavy, I see all the people are in some therapy and they deal with their emotions and pasts and go on to lose weight. I always thought, I don't have all that baggage. But, maybe I do. But, I also KNOW I am worth taking time for me, and I KNOW that the people in my life love me, that's why they are in my life now. So I will just continue to struggle with this matter. Maybe going through the old stuff will help bring about some much needed closure to the heinous times in my life, and allow me to embrace the present.

I am actually crying now, but I think it's because I can see myself as happy, with only positive thoughts and people surrounding me. Happy crying is a nice change.

Today is better

I will probably end up with a few blog entires today. I thought of so much more that I wanted to say yesterday, but didn't get it all out. I can't keep things inside anymore, so I am just saying "whatever" and will make as many entries a day as I see fit.

First, I want to say thanks to my "followers." You make me feel special, even if you never read anything else I ever type.

Second, to the people I inspired to make a day zero list, I hope you really enjoy it! I had such an easy time coming up with 20 things... too bad I needed 101! I took me a while, but I made so many personal goals, and I have to tell you it feel pretty darn good to check things off.

Third, today is better. I didn't get as much sleep as I would have liked~ Nathaniel woke up at 5:30 coughing, and in the few seconds that it took me to get him some water, he was up and in our room. So I got up because there was just no way that Mommy was going to get any sleep if he was up and ready to play. That, and when he lays (lies? whatever) in our bed, he likes to kick us and tell us to move. It used to be cute...
But, I got to work early enough to make all my needed copies for the week, and a few for next week, and got some lesson plans done. I know that there are few people in the world that can understand the joy of getting lesson plans done ahead of time, but trust me, it's a relief. It means that I can leave right at 3:05 today, and maybe get home with enough energy to play with my boys or *gasp* work out.

I also had enough time to make and eat breakfast at home. Even though I made bacon and toast with cheese, it will still be less calories than if I stopped somewhere to get something to eat. I also managed to get to Aldi yesterday, and picked up some lunch stuff, so I have a pizza hot pocket and an orange. Yes, I am going to eat some fruit today. I really want to be a role model not only to Bug, but also to my class. I should say "positive role model" as I am sure they see enough negative role models.

Ok, enough for now. I think I am starting to ramble. But it really helps me calm my nerves and relax when I get everything that swims in my head out of it and on "paper."

Today just bites

Here is a poem that describes how I feel. An e-friend found it and posted it. I don't know who the author is, but it really spoke to me. (except for the daughters part. Replace it with son and it's me.)

The Two-Faced Woman:

A wink, a nod, "I'm fine," I say,
To people as they walk past.
But inside my heart is torn to shreds,
My smile is just a mask.


I'll sit and chat, maybe share a joke,
Or at least I'll really try.
But my genuine friends see through the smoke,
My empty eyes cannot lie.


At home I weep, feel down in despair,
My feelings I cannot hide.
From husband, daughter, baby girl,
I'm afraid they're along for the ride.


Those waves of grief, they still hit hard,
And knock me off my feet.
I'm comforted, though, by their tender touch,
My daughters turn the bitter to sweet.


My babies now have Angel Wings,
In heaven they play and rest.
But in my heart I have their love,
And for that, I'm eternally blessed.


Yes, I'm the two-faced woman,
It's a job that I have to do.
To get on in life without my babies,
Day, week, and whole year through.

Another one down, but harder than I thought

I got another of my 101 things done today. I finished number 13, organize Nathaniel's baby pictures. They were the pictures my mom took, from his Baptism to just after his first birthday. They were so bittersweet to look at. I love seeing how much my baby has grown, and I love all the changes he's gone through. But, there were pictures of him and my dad in there, and those made me cry. Some days the pain is still so acute, even though he's been gone since last July. My one regret is that I don't have a lot of pictures of Nathaniel with him. Of course, Nathaniel knows that the man in the pictures is "Bumpa" and he calls him that, but he will never know how funny my dad was. I see a lot of my dad in him, especially when he gives me those smart-ass looks of his. just so dad.
At Dad's surprise birthday party

Who made that smell?

Nathaniel and Bumpa


It also brought out the tears since I won't be having another squishy baby as soon as I thought I was going to. That's been on the forefront of my mind today though. I was shopping for a friend's baby shower, and thought to myself "No problem. I can handle this." Well, as it turned out, I couldn't. I broke down right there in the middle of the baby section of Target. In his usual knowing style, Nathaniel gave me a hug and said "cry?" It was just what I needed. He helps remind me f all the blessings that I already have.

Not related to my list, but

I am part of a group of online mommies and have "met" some wonderful women online through the forum we use. One of these mommies has a blog that I check weekly. Her son, Mason, just made it to 30 weeks gestation. He has had such a hard life already and it just amazes me how God works sometimes. The family went in for a regualr ultrasound, and found out that this sweet little baby had Down's Syndrome and a lot of other health issues.
As I read her blog, I find myself thanking God that my son is so wonderful and perfect. And I thank God for my family. And, I thank God for all the blessings He has given me. If you ever need proof that prayer works, please check out her blog. It's prayersformason.blogspot.com It really is a reminder to be thankful for all you have and that praying does sometimes move God.

A week later, and life is so different

As it turns out, I had a chemical pregnancy. A week ago, life was so full of joys. Now, my life is full of pain. Thankfully, most if it is just physical pain. I am having some PPA again, but not as severe as when I had N.

We are going to try again in a few months, after everything calms down a bit more. Right now, I just want to focus on what I have been blessed with. I have a wonderful husband who loves me no matter what. (Thanks goodness our wedding song was "The Way I Am.") I also have a wonderfully perfect son who makes me laugh every day. He recently started saying "bless you" when I sneeze.

As far as my 10 things list goes, I will be writing about how I've organized my list. I don't think that I will re-type all 101 things, but maybe put them into categories by their numbers. I think that wold be easier for me to keep up with. I want to figure out how to do more with this blog, too. I enjoy being able to voice my thoughts without actually saying anything. I find it an excellent way to release the building crap in my head.

Well, well, well

OK, so I haven't exactly been blogging every week about my list, but I have gotten some of the things on it done. I have learned to make crepes (70), and they were pretty damn good. I have had an open house (62), and was surprised by how many people came over to celebrate with us... I felt so lucky. I have even managed to organize this list(42) and see the sunrise and sunset in the same day (88). Thank goodness for winter for that one!

There are a few I predict I will not be able to do, such as pay off my credit card debt (33) due to another one on my list. It was number 12... have another baby. Apparently, we are doing that sooner than expected. I am right around 6 weeks pregnant with our second child, and so incredibly delighted about it! So very few people know. We were going to wait until Easter to tell anyone, but I wanted to get some prayers out there for us and our baby. Stingy and selfish of me? Maybe, but I will take the prayers. So, here's what I'm thinking. My 3rd goal is to lose 50 pounds. Can that include the weight I gain from my pregnancy, or does that have to be after I lose that? I guess I have to debate on that one for a while.

Later on today or tomorrow (since there's no school!) I will retyoe my list into categories, so that I have it here with me, not just on paper. I carry it with me so that if I do something, I can mark it off.

If you're reading, I hope that maybe my blog can help you to challenge yourself to make a list of 101 things to do in 1001 days. (and let me know about it... I can check that one off the list too!) Happiness and health to all.