So I have made a commitment to my online mom's group and will be doing the 30 day shred every day in September (except for the first. I didn't find the DVD until late afternoon.). I did it this morning. I thought I was going to die. At some points in the workout, I wanted to. It was 20 minutes of pure fucking hell.
But I did it!! I threw up twice, but I did it! I went to 7-11 afterwards and got a banana and a diet pepsi. I figured I had EARNED that pop. And to be honest, I threw up once I was in the shower. I can't quite describe how proud of myself I am. Not just for getting through it, but for doing it at all.
I woke up this morning around 7:30, which was so nice. No one was up yet. I figured that the kids would sleep until 8, and Pat won't wake up until the bomb goes off, so I was going to get up and get it done. You know, start the day off really shitty and then it gets better from there.
But that's not what happened. When I was in the bathroom, Veronica woke up and Pat went to go get her. As he did, Nathaniel woke up. Everyone was awake and my I-only-need-20-minutes-to-get-this-done was gone. I know me. There was no way I was going to exercise in front of Pat. (I think it's a fear that he will realize just how fat and unattractive I am and leave, although I know that won't happen.) But I hate it. I want the acknowledgement of pride from people, but I don't want them to see the ugly part. I brought back tons of teen years angst and a feeling of never being good enough. So I now had the perfect excuse to not do it. And I knew it!
Fate intervened and Pat went out to mow the lawn after breakfast. For a while, I sat on my ass watching tv (food network, ironically). But then I thought, he's outside, he won't know. So I put in the DVD. Nathaniel exercised with me for a while, which made me happy. He was having fun. He liked the butt kicks. He cracked himself up kicking his own butt. I love that he was excited.
So, later today, I am going to have Pat take some pictures of me as my before, God help me. October 1st, I will have him take some more, for after pics. I'm really looking forward to it. (And if I'm to tell the truth, mid October I will be going to my old school and seeing the teachers. I'd really love to be down some pounds by then. I want to know that I look great and I want to feel that I look great and I want them to acknowledge how good I am doing without them.)
