29 and 86 are done!

So, I have completed 2 more things on my 101 things to do in 1,001 days (aka day zero project). I did number 29, which was send myself flowers at work. I sent myself a Mother's Day bouquet from Nathaniel. I figure, Pat won't remember to, and I buy all the presents to and from people anyway, so I might as well take care of myself. I will post a picture when I get them.

I also completed number 86, fly a kite. Pat and I took Nathaniel to the school's field and we flew his turtle kite. (He got it from the Easter Bunny in his basket.) Well, Nathaniel ran around the field yelling "Turtle! Turtle!" I wish I had taken my camera. I had thought to go and get it, but I wanted to see how Nathaniel would do holding it on his own. I put the spool into his hands and he did great... for about 3 seconds. Then he opened his hand.

Let's just say that our neighbors down the street now have a turtle in their tree. It must have been quite the picture though. Me running after a turtle that was climbing higher and higher into the sky, with a little boy running behind me yelling "Turtle!" I can only imagine what that looked like to the neighbors we met whilst running after it. But, at least we met some more of our neighbors (and one is of babysitting age and took a babysitting class!)

And on a completely unrelated note, I ordered Nathaniel's birthday present. I went with the little tikes outdoor climber and rock wall. He will have a blast!

Getting the Band Back Together

OK, well I've been off work for a week now (really? Is that all it's been?) and I've enjoyed every mooment of it... even when I had no idea what day it was or when we went out to dinner the same day we went out for breakfast- oops!

But, being off always throws my best of intentions out the window. I have not been eating well since Sunday and I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I know that I have to get myself and my shit back together and back to Atkins. I know that I am stronger than I think I am. I want so badly to succeed, and I know that I can. I just have to cut the shit and do it. I went grocery shopping today so that I can be successful. I know there are breakfast, lunch, and dinner items in the fridge and freezer (not to mention snacks), so there are no more excuses.

I have made a list of rewards that I will give myself. For making it 3 weeks through the induction part, I get a new pair of sandals. For making it 2 weeks after that, I get a mani-pedi. For going 3 more weeks (which would make it just about 2 months) I get a massage. I scheduled one for Pat for tomorrow, so seeing how much he'll like it will definitely motivate me. Plus, that should work ot to be the week before Nathaniel's birthday, so it will be perfect timing stress wise.

Please note that none of my rewards are based on weight loss, just on time and commitment. I think that rewarding myself this way will be a great experience for me, since I had always tried to plan rewards around the amount I lost. When I never got to that particular weight loss, (even if I had done my best) I would give up. Since this will be measuring time, which MUST pass us by, I can treat myself.

Outside Time

I think I may have found a Birthday present for Nathaniel. I would really like to get him a climber for playing outside. He just looks so bored when we play outside. I mean, he loves being outside, but I don't know what games to play with him. We do bubbles, play baseball, and of course run. He loves going to the playground, but I know that there will be days this summer that will just be too hot to spend that much time outside. (Walking down there, playing and then walking back.)

We have that space in the back behind the garage, so I know it will fit in there. I guess I just have to decide on which one to get.

Panda Climber | Outdoor Play | by Step2

Walmart.com: Little Tikes Endless Adventures Rock Climber & Slide: Outdoor Play

If you read my blog, please click on the links and let me know which one you like better and why. I greatly appreciate the help!

I Caved

Yeah, I suck. I lost the battle. Crackers, mashed potatoes, and the most delicious lemon pudding cheesecake.

But, today is a new day, and I can start over. I made it 2 weeks before I lost it to carbs and I can do it again. I haven't gotten on the scale to see the actual damage I've done, (mainly because I feel bad enough) but I will later. Damn Easter dinner.

On a positive note, I don't have any more holidays coming up for 2 months. Nothing until Nathaniel's birthday, so that's 2 months more that I can get under my belt. After that, there's nothing until Thanksgiving (which I will not be hosting unless I have to.)

I had a great Easter though. My sister and her family came over, as did my mom, my in-laws and Pat's uncle. Small enough to not be overwhelming, but large enough for everyone to have a good time. We even had an Easter egg hunt for the kids (although my sister's kids are probably too old for that by now. They were great helping Nathaniel find eggs and I think they like what I put in the eggs.) Forgot to bring out the bubbles, but we can play with those when we have Nathaniel's birthday party.

I can't believe that in two short months, my baby will be 2 years old. Where has the time gone? I just start crying when I think about it. Not sad crying, but nostalgic crying. I am so proud of everything that he accomplishes. I don't think that someome could ever understand that swelling of pride.

I think it goes back to those old journals and never feeling like I could ever do anything good enough. My Nathaniel (I hope) will never have those feelings because everything he does is good. He is such a good boy, and a stinker, and a genius rolled in to one remarkable little boy. I am truly blessed.

Easter is Coming

And I know that my mom will bring a ton of candy to my house. I am hoping that I will not be powerless and will overcome the desire to destroy it all (by eating it). She always buys what everyone likes. It's wonderful that she does that, but I don't want the candy. No, that's not true. I want the candy, I just don't want the side effects (higher blood sugar, fat, etc.).

On a happier Easter note, I will be watching The Ten Commandments Saturday night. And, my Nathaniel and I will be going on an egg hunt Saturday at church. Should be fun.

The Past Will Soon be History!

Yes, I know how it sounds, but it's true! After more searching in the basement, I found them... my old journals. I am so ready to get rid of them, and complete another goal. Tomorrow is garbage day, but that doesn't seem like enough of a finale to me. Pat and I will be taking them to a friend's shop and throw them in the incinerator. Let that bullshit burn. A better ending could not have been imagined.

I spent the better part of the day reading through them one last time. Some things were great to read about and revisit.

I read about what my weight was when I graduated from high school 19 years ago (and it's only 12 less than what I am now.-- Is that good or bad?)

I read about the day that a friend decided that she wanted to date a guy in one of our classes. (17 years later, they got married!)

I read about what I had dubbed "The Blake Years."

I read about the first time I had sex (and what a disappointment it was!).

I read about the beginnings of my relationship with Pat, and how he had made me mad and how I had written "That's what I get for dating a 20 year old!" I guess our age difference was really on my mind that day!

I read about the first holiday I spent with his family, and how it was a polar opposite of what our holidays were like.

But, then I read further. I read about 20 years of self loathing.

20 years of never being good enough.

20 years of wondering why God was punishing me.

20 years of thinking that no one would ever love me because I am so fat and disgusting.

20 years of struggling with my weight.

20 years of living in my perfect sisters' shadows.

20 years of never feeling wanted or loved by my family. (Can you even imagine what that is like? The one group of people who should love you unconditionally and you never feel like you belong there?)

After reading them I came up with a few consistent themes: I will never be good enough. My family will never accept me for who I am. And I have always struggled with my weight.

Yeah, just dumping this toxic waste into the garbage is not enough. This shit must burn.

I Love Math

Math gives you so many ways to say the same thing. For example, you could say 1/5.

You could say 10/50.

You could even say 20%.

Or, you could say 10 pounds.

That's how much weight I've lost this week on Atkins. And since my goal (on the day zero project) is to lose 50, I have completed 20% of this goal. I can't even begin to explain how excited I am or how proud of myself I am. I never thought that I could be this successful. I know that my weight loss will slow down, but you'vce got to admit, that's a hell of a kick start!

Today Was Rough

Today was just a really rough day. I so need a break from work. Thank God it's Friday. I don't know how many more days I can make it before I snap. I know it's not just me. Everyone needs a break.

And then, tonight, Pat wanted pizza. I was ok with that until it actually got here and he opened the box. I guess I really can call myself strong. I did have some of the cheese and pepperoni, but none of the crust. It wasn't as good without it, but it cured the craving. I still haven't had a carb.

On Monday, I will have my official weigh-in. I hope it's a good number. I will be happy with any amount of weight loss, obviously, but more would be better. I probably screwed myself today though by not having any veggies. I had eggs for breakfast and dinner, and a burger for lunch. I had the lettuce and onions on the burger, so that should count for something, right? Yeah, I didn't think so.

So now I am at home, quarter after 8 in the evening, laying in bed watching "Cleopatra" with Richard Burton and Liz Taylor. This is probably the 3rd or 4th time I've tried to watch it, but just couldn't get into it. These ols movies that I've been watching just amaze me with the sets they had to create. I love the epics. Oh, I hope The Ten Commandments will be on soon. The Sound of Music too. They're always on around Easter. Time to search the guide!

Just so we al know: The Ten Commandments will be on channel 7 on the 23rd at 6pm and the Sound of Music will be on Sunday the 24th on family channel. ALready set the DVR! (I've always had a thing for Christopher Plummer! When he sings Edlewiess, I just melt!)

Still Working on it

I am still working on my "10 things I love about myself" list. I am discovering that I am a lot stronger than I thought. (Mentally, not physically. Not yet anyway.)
I am finding that although I really want to eat crap food (potato chips, resse's peanut butter cups) I am not having them. I think that makes me pretty strong.

It's been 4 days since I had a carb that wasn't from a veggie or Atkins bar. I am sleeping better, and when I wake up, I feel more rested. I am still feeling sluggish at work, but that could be because it's still not Spring Break. (Is it next Thursday yet? Ugh.)

I am a little frightened about my first weekend on Atkins, since I always seem to screw up on the weekend. But, if I do screw up, I'm going to have to go through that God-awful carb withdrawal and "Atkins Flu" again. No thanks! God willing, all will still be well come Monday.

Another Victory For Me!!

Tonight, Pat and I went out to dinner with his sister. I was really scared, as it's only been 3 days since I started Atkins, and we were going to an awesome BBQ place. On the way to the restaurant, I was crying in the car because I was so afraid I was going to "slip" or "be bad." I hate that food has this power over me.

We waited a little bit for Pat's sister, and while we waited, Pat ordered chicken wings (which I love and can't have) and cheese sticks (which I LOVE and can't have.) I told him that it was ok, since I knew I would have to face situations that made me uncomfortable sooner or later, even though he had reservations about it. I managed to not eat any of the wings or cheese sticks, and was quite happy with that. Then it was time to order dinner.

Now, I love the BBQ at The Pit. I usually order the platter so that I can eat it for 2 days. The sauce there is so incredible, I always pour more on my leftovers, so that they soak up the sauce overnight. I poured over the menu to see what I could have. I had a salad and grecian sausages. The salad was huge! I ended up eating most of it and one of the three sausages. They were covered in greeen peppers and onions and so good! I was really wanting to eat some on Nathaniel's fries, and one almost found its way to my mouth, but I said "NO!" It just didn't seem worth it to me.

So, not only did I have all my veggies today, but I was able to go out for dinner and enjoy a dinner out without eating the garbage that made me the way I am trying to change. (I also managed not to get potato chips or reese's when I stopped at Walgreen's this morning. I didn't stop at the dunkin donuts either, for hash browns or a donut. :)

I keep hearing how the cravings will diminish, but until then I will keep fighting!

Not My Intention

I wasn't my intention to have this blog turn in to a weight loss blog. I know there are millions of them out there. But this forum is really helping me to release a lot of what has been on my mind lately, and for that, I am grateful. I think, though, that since one of my goals is to lose 50 pounds, I can feel free to write about whatever little idiot thing pops into my head about my weight loss journey.

For example, this morning I woke up at 2:30. (Caffeine and Nathaniel helped that.) Normally, I would have gone into the kitchen, rumaged around and found some junk to eat. Instead, I thought about what I wanted to eat today in an effort to lose weight. I imagined myself in May, when Pat is throwing a surprise party for his dad, and I see people that I haven't seen in months. All the "Damn, you look good"s that I will hear. I imagined myself in June, when I am off for the summer, and Nathaniel and I are running around at the park. Was that really me? RUNNING???? I imagined myself in the 100's weight group... a place I've not been in longer than I care to mention. I imagined myself returning to school in the fall and people not recognizing me. I imagined myself pregnant again, this time with an adorable bump. People could tell that I was expecting, not just thinking I was fat(ter).

It was a powerful morning for me. I need to hold on to those images for when things get tough. I need to hold on to those images for when I want to quit. I need to hold on to those images when the scale or tape measure gets stuck. I need to hold on to those images for when I don't want to work out. I need to hold on to those images so that I can picture the new me, the healthy me, the thin me. A girl I've never seen and can't wait to meet.

Day One on Atkins and Other Stuff

I *think* I did pretty good today, but I ate too much cheese. Apparently, you can do that. It counted up to too many carbs. I got my 12-15 net carbs from the veggies (a big huge victory for me!!!) but instead of only 5 from other sources, I had 14. I forgot to count my cheese slices and my pop. Oh well, tomorrow I will do better.

I am kinda full but at the same time, since I am so used to snacking at night, I am dying to eat something. I don't need to, I just want to. Knowing that is giving me a small amount of control over this, but I am still scared that I will fail.

It doesn't help that I am feeling stressed out right now. N doesn't want to go to bed, which is not unusual, but what I really need is for it to be Spring Break. I need some time away and I know my students do too. We are working each other's very last nerves. And as if that weren't enough, Wednesday we have an after school meeting until 5, and then Thursday we have Family Reading Night. It's a fun thing to do, but it's another night at school late. Until 6:30. I will be taking N with me, so that will make it more fun, but I know that I am going to be very tired. I just hope I don't eat tons of crap those 2 nights. Wish me luck as I continue to work on the goal.

Saying Goodbye

Tomorrow, I start honestly working on another goal- lose 50 pounds. To do this, I am joining with a loved one and starting Atkins. I am hopeful about this. I get to eat meat. I get to eat when I am hungry. And, I get to eat a fast food burger if I want it. If I was to tell myself "no more fast food" that would be the first, last and only food on the planet that I would want. Once I got there, instead of having one small burger, I would eat three burgers or a double whopper, or something equally disgusting (plus fries and a pop, even if I only wanted a burger). But knowing that I can have it gives ME the power.

I know that some people will never understand this, but there it is. Food has an incredible power over me.

The only time I had control over food was when I was pregnant with Nathaniel. I had no choice but to take care of my eating, because it wasn't about me. It was about him and his development. I cry thinking about how easy it was to give myself over to that, and how impossible it has been every day since he was born to do it again.

So today I say goodbye to biscuits and gravy, spaghetti and garlic bread, popcorn, and pizza. I admit openly and honestly, I feel like shit right now, but I also know that in a few short days, I will start feeling awesome.

How Do I Let It Go?

So one of my most difficult goals is goal number 25: Forgive and Forget. It is in regards to one person in particular, and although there was never any physical pain, the emotional and mental pain is still there.

Some backgroud, as I see it, and it's kind of impossible to give this person any anonymity when describing this, so oh well. Everything was fine when Pat and I were dating. Then we got engaged. The very night we told this person, his attitude towards me began to change. It TRIED to get more controlling, but I am not one to be controlled by others, so that didn't sit well with him. As we planned the wedding, it got worse. Everything had to be his way, although he wasn't paying for anything. (I found out recently that Pat hadn't asked him for the money he said he was going to give us, simply so that I could have the wedding I wanted and not this person's idea of what we should have. I love him for that, but I harbored a lot of resentment towards the original pisser-offer for it.)

While we were still planning the wedding, this person TOLD (not asked) me to also find a house that he would buy for us so that we wouldn't have to struggle. Now, I realize that this next part is going to make me sound like a spoiled brat, but it is what it is. We found a few houses, but I really didn't like the arrangement, since I knew how controlling this person could be, but I went along, for the sake of my soon to be hubby. We finally found a house and it was purchased and then, as often happens in life, illness took a hold in our family, at the same time I found out I was pregnant with Nathaniel. But, the house was bought before I knew about Nathaniel, although the closing was about a month after I found out. Closing was right before Thanksgiving.

The day of the closing we talked about paint colors. Specifically what paint colors I wanted in the house. He even gave me a book to choose from. So I chose. Two days later, he called Pat screaming about how I was a spolied princess and everything was going to be painted bone white, because that's what he wanted to paint it. Whe even ask me then? This caused another huge fight between him and Pat.

Fast forward about 6 months. It is now late March and Pat and I are moving into the house. I was not carrying any boxes, but I was putting them all away. Being 7 months pregnant, I thought it unwise to lift the huge boxes. I had packed them all, and I was unpacking them all, but I wasn't carrying them. Pat and my Mom moved them all. Well, this person had a coniption fit that I wasn't helping mvoe the boxes. Why it made a difference to him is beyond me to start with, but he was pissed. When Pat explained to him that my pregnancy was high risk and that's why I wasn't moving them, he responded with "I don't give a shit."

To hate me is one thing, but to not care about my unborn child's life? That's inexcusable. But again, it's not like HE was moving the boxes.

We moved in and started getting comfortable, but this person, seeing as he owned the place, would come over whenever he felt like it and come right in without knocking or ringing the bell. (Do you know what that did to my blood pressure? And how dangerous that is for a pregnant women? Again he said he didn't care.) He threatened to take things away form Pat if we didn't name Nathaniel after him. I mean, really?

We sat down to discuss the rent payments. Remember when I said he bought the house so we wouldn't have to struggle? Well, at first the rent was "don't worry about it." Then it was "Pay me whatever." Then it was $500. Still doable for us, although it was hard to know what I could afford for Nathaniel since I never knew when the rent had to be paid or how much it was going to be.

The final straw in the whole situation came when I was on spring break and Pat and I were looking at buying another couch for the living room, since we only had one. I had extra money coming in from a baby sitting job, and we were planning on putting some money aside for the next month so that we could buy the couch. This person called Pat while we were inside the furniture store and when Pat told him what we were doing, he started screaming at him over the phone. It was so loud that other people in the store could hear. I was embarrassed and humiliated. He was screaming that we hadn't paid any rent because we couldn't afford to but we had enough to go out and buy a couch. First of all, we hadn't paid any rent because he still hadn't determined how much we were going to pay, and secondly we weren't buying a couch- we were pricing them to figure out how long we would have to save before we could buy it.

Things went bad after that. Pat and I started looking for apartments to move into, because even he realized that he couldn't live under this kind of pressure. Two days later, the PITA called and said that he wanted us to sign a two year lease. I told Pat that I couldn't do that, because I didn't know what the rent was and with him popping in whenever he felt like it, I coouldn't live like that and that we didn't know how much we were going to be paying for Nathaniel expenses. Pat agreed with me and so we told him no. He told us to be out by the weekend. It was a Thursday. We were supposed to have our child care class that weekend (How to take care of a newborn baby- we had no idea) and instead of doing that, we were throwing things back into boxes and begging people to help us move. I was nearly 8 months along, and this person had already said he didn't give a shit about my baby.

We found a place to live, but the apartment wouldn't be available for 2 weeks. We moved into a hotel for those 2 weeks, and spent nearly $1200 to stay there. (We had to have a place with a fridge, since I was taking insulin 4 times a day. It sent us into even more debt.)

There have been several other things over the past two years, but to apease Pat, I let him come to the hospital when Nathaniel was born. I always give him new pictures of Nathaniel when we get them taken. And, although I was really pissed about it (and I mean really pissed) I let Pat agree to have Nathaniel's Baptism dinner where it was at.

Now this person keeps insisting that he gets to buy Nathaniel every "first" thing.. first bike, first dog, first everything. We keep telling him no, since it's my RIGHT as Nathaniel's parent to do these things. (Spoiled brat on my end, I know, but that's too damn bad. He's my son and I get to do it.)

I know that I have to forgive and forget, because this hatred clouds everything, and I don't want Nathaniel to have bad feelings towards him because of me. So how do I let it go? I know that he truly does love Nathaniel, and that goes a long way with me, and he would never do anything to hurt him, but I just can't let go of all that past. How do I forgive and forget? Every time I see him it brings up all the bad. I try so hard when we're in front of Nathaniel to be cool and civil, but I just can't. And I know that smart cookie will figure it out sooner or later. He wants to control everything and I don't respond well to that. At. All.

This will be one that is so hard to do and I know it will take some time.
Wow, did this get long.

Lucky Number 13

I believe that this is the 13th goal I have finished of my 101 things to do. I have officially worn make-up to work for 2 weeks. I say officially since I am sitting at work right now, even though school hasn't technically started.

I will confess that the goals that I have finished are rather easy, but you have to start somewhere, right? For example, if I had made one "give up Diet Pepsi" then I would be in a world of hurt. I had a really hard time doing that when I was pregnant with Nathaniel. When I was pregnant with the one that I just lost, no problems giving it up. However, when things didn't work out the way we had hoped, I went right back to it with a vengence.

Maybe I should put that one in, since in my original list I have one goal that repeated itself. Hmmm.... Something to consider.

I need a break

I feel like there is just so much going on right now and I jsut need a break. I am just feeling overwhelmed by work, keeping up with the house and then paying the bills. I just feel like I am tapped out.

The past few nights I have been going to bed between 8 and 9. That's just ridiculous. I really need to just take some time and prioritize everything, and I know it. Earlier today I had so much to say, but now I can't think of a darn thing to write.

I am almost done with another goal- the make up one. If I wear make up tomorrow (and I will) I can cross that one off. That would make 13 done. I have to admit that feels pretty good to know I've gotten that much done in under two months.

I really want to work on the losing 50 pounds. I am going to try the Atkins diet. I know someone who has had some great success with it, and it pretty much is how I should be eating anyway, so I am excited.

Another One Bites the Dust

Cross another goal off the list! Number 95. I went to the eye doctor today. Got some great news, too. No signs of any diabetic issues. I am so relieved. I was really afraid that he was going to tell me I'd be blind in two years.

As we were going to the eye doctor, I told Pat that not living to see Nathaniel grow up would be bad, but not seeing him grow up would be much more torturous. (Is that even a word?) Anyway, I just have to keep my blood sugar in check and there shouldn't be any issues untl I am much older.

The doc also noted that my vision hasn't changed much at all since I was in last. Apparently, that was before I got married... so yeah, it's been 3 years since my last check up. It went 3 years on 1 box of disposable contacts. Not bad... Guess I really am cheap. These will last even longer, since I bought a year's worth and both eyes have the same prescription. I guess I can go about 6 years without seeing the doctor, right?

Anyway, I am happy to cross another goal off the list and happier still that it was good news.

Mourner's Bill of Rights

I saw this today, and although today was a good day, I hope that anyone else who experiences grief can use it.

“Mourner’s Bill of Rights.” It was written by Alan D. Wolfelt Ph.D. author, educator, grief counselor and director of the Center For Loss and Transition (http://centerforloss.com).



1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief.


No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don’t allow them to tell what you should or should not be feeling.



2. You have the right to talk about your grief.

Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. If at times you don’t feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.



3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions.

Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don’t take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.



4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.

Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don’t allow others to push you into doing things you don’t feel ready to do.



5. You have the right to experience “griefbursts.”

Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.



6. You have the right to make use of ritual.

The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don’t listen.



7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality.

If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.



8. You have the right to search for meaning.

You may find yourself asking, “Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?” Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the clichéd responses some people may give you. Comments like, “It was God’s will” or “Think of what you have to be thankful for” are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.



9. You have the right to right to treasure your memories.

Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.



10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal.

Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.”

A Sense of Hope

Maybe it was the weather yesterday.

Maybe it was going to church and hearing about burning the negative thoughts to get rid of them. (paraphrasing- Nathaniel was being a toddler and I was focusing on both.)

Maybe it was knowing that my nearly perfect (on a good day) hubby wouldn't be able to come up with ten things he loves about himself.

Maybe it was seeing a friend who is deliriously happy and obviously so in love with her hubby.

I feel a new sense of hope today. I looked in the mirror after finishing my make up (only 3 more days, but I am getting used to it so I may continue) and thought, "Wow, I look pretty." I ate a full bar for breakfast this morning (since that maxes out the carbs for me per meal) and just finished another one before I eat my lunch- which is a salad by the way. It's gloomy as heck outside right now, but I still feel positive.

I still think I will reschedule my doctor's appointment for May, so that when I know I will need a break I can take one. Why waste a day of Spring Break on that? OK, and honestly, so I can get my A1c a little lower and lose a few pounds. Wouldn't that be awesome?

One and a half more done

I started working on numbers 67 and 68 last night. 67 is 10 things I love about myself and 68 is ten tings I love about Pat. 68 was easy. I even showed him the list of things I love about him (which I will post later). But damn if I could think of 10 things I love about myself. I got to 5, which is honestly more than I thought I would find. Why is it so hard to find somwthing I love about myself? Have I really been that conditioned to despise myself so thoroughly? I find that sad.

Edited to add list:
these are the ten things I love about Pat. There aren't in any particular order.
1. He can always make me laugh (and does every day, no matter how bad my day was.)
2. He accepts me for me.
3. The way I can depend on his hugs when I need one (and I've needed them a lot lately)
4. The way he snuggles with me. It always makes me feel so safe.
5. His willingness to eat whatever I make (except zucchini)
6. The way he considers other people's feelings.
7. He loves my family.
8. He is a wonderful dad.
9. He carries all the heavy stuff.
10. His calm, laid back personality and demeanor. It drives me crazy that he can be so calm sonetimes, but I love him for it.

Working towards another thing done.

I am working on completing another goal. Watching all the Best Picture Oscar winners. I have seen a few of them, and just finished Gone With the Wind. It was frickin amazing. So mad at myself that I never watched it before now. It was incredible. Other winner's I have seen:
1939: Gone With the WInd
1943: Casablanca
1950: All About Eve
1951: An American in Paris
1961: West Side Story
1965: The Sound of Music
1972: The Godfather
1974: The Godafther II
1975: One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
1976: Rocky
1981: Chariots of Fire
1984: Amadeus
1988: Rainman (definitely rainman)
1989: Driving Miss Daisy
1990: Dances With Wolves
1991: Silence of the Lambs
1992: Unforgiven
1993: Schindler's List
1994: Forrest Gump
1995: Braveheart
1997: Titanic
1998: Shakespeare in Love
1999: American Beauty
2000: Gladiator
2002: Chicago
2006: The Departed

I have a few on the DVR.
Lawrence of Arabia (1962)
Ben- Hur (1959)
On the Waterfront (1954)
From Here to Eternity (1953) Huh, I thought I had more. Shoot. Well, good thing I have a library card, right?

Link to the list: http://www.oscars.org/awards/academyawards/legacy/best-pictures.html