Yes, I know how it sounds, but it's true! After more searching in the basement, I found them... my old journals. I am so ready to get rid of them, and complete another goal. Tomorrow is garbage day, but that doesn't seem like enough of a finale to me. Pat and I will be taking them to a friend's shop and throw them in the incinerator. Let that bullshit burn. A better ending could not have been imagined.
I spent the better part of the day reading through them one last time. Some things were great to read about and revisit.
I read about what my weight was when I graduated from high school 19 years ago (and it's only 12 less than what I am now.-- Is that good or bad?)
I read about the day that a friend decided that she wanted to date a guy in one of our classes. (17 years later, they got married!)
I read about what I had dubbed "The Blake Years."
I read about the first time I had sex (and what a disappointment it was!).
I read about the beginnings of my relationship with Pat, and how he had made me mad and how I had written "That's what I get for dating a 20 year old!" I guess our age difference was really on my mind that day!
I read about the first holiday I spent with his family, and how it was a polar opposite of what our holidays were like.
But, then I read further. I read about 20 years of self loathing.
20 years of never being good enough.
20 years of wondering why God was punishing me.
20 years of thinking that no one would ever love me because I am so fat and disgusting.
20 years of struggling with my weight.
20 years of living in my perfect sisters' shadows.
20 years of never feeling wanted or loved by my family. (Can you even imagine what that is like? The one group of people who should love you unconditionally and you never feel like you belong there?)
After reading them I came up with a few consistent themes: I will never be good enough. My family will never accept me for who I am. And I have always struggled with my weight.
Yeah, just dumping this toxic waste into the garbage is not enough. This shit must burn.
it is good that you are burning them Joi.
ReplyDeleteI just want to let you know something though which I'm sure you already do.
You are good enough, you do have someone who loves you, (quite a few people do actually, platonically of course *points to self* lol)
God wasn't punishing you, you were just walking the path.
I can't relate to the family thing because I am an only child, HOWEVER, ever since I flunked out of parochial high school, then later dropped out, I was labeled as the family "flunky" so I can relate to feeling like an outcast.
Hell, I feel like one still to this very day! But it does not bother me. I have Mike. I have good friendships with amazing people and I have my Mom.
Just like you have Pat, your adorable handsome little man, and tons of friends who think the world of you.
I choose to make a life change in my way of eating, because I am not happy with my health, but damnit, I'm a sexy mofo. So are you. Don't EVER let anyone tell you any different just because you are fluffy (quotes Gabriel Iglesias)
I'm sick of people in society pushing the envelope and making heavier people feel insecure about their weight. God made all of us different, if we were all meant to be the same life would be boring. I'm proud of who I am and I will still be proud of myself 20 years from now. No matter what I weigh.
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