So, I've decided that this weekend I will tackle another task on my list. I am going to get rid of my old journals. God help me! These are the journals from high school (are they really over 20 years old?) and college. Ugh. So many memories. I now wish we had gotten a house with a fire place.
I think **and hope** that getting rid of them will be a healing process for me... to get rid of all the old pain that I had. Hopefully, I will be able to let it all go and see myself the way that Pat sees me. I fully intend on reading them one last time, although I am not sure if that's too smart. There is so much hurt in them. I've been wanting to get rid of them for YEARS, but I just couldn't let go. I am hoping that by making sure they are gone, that the hurt, sad, and utterly forgettable girl will go with them, allowing me to become me. I am hoping that by getting rid of that extra weight, I can start getting rid of the real extra weight.
I've been doing a lot of thinking on this subject lately. When I watch The Biggest Loser or Heavy, I see all the people are in some therapy and they deal with their emotions and pasts and go on to lose weight. I always thought, I don't have all that baggage. But, maybe I do. But, I also KNOW I am worth taking time for me, and I KNOW that the people in my life love me, that's why they are in my life now. So I will just continue to struggle with this matter. Maybe going through the old stuff will help bring about some much needed closure to the heinous times in my life, and allow me to embrace the present.
I am actually crying now, but I think it's because I can see myself as happy, with only positive thoughts and people surrounding me. Happy crying is a nice change.
I totally am AGAINST "The Biggest Loser" tv show. I'll tell you why. When you are a big person and you are trying to lose weight and be more healthy, why oh why would you want to stress yourself out even more knowing that millions of people are out there watching and laughing at you?
ReplyDeleteYou know that's true to an extent. Fat people are the longest running joke. I know that I have to lose weight, and I am losing weight slowly, by making small changes along the way.
Losing weight isn't that hard, it's sticking to it with determination and having a good support system that makes it difficult if you don't have any of that.
But you do, so it will come in time.
I wish we lived closer and both more financially stable, I'd say we'd join a gym together! I've been wanting to join one but it's so expensive here and I'd be alone lol. All my friends live too far!