Worst Mother's Day Ever

Today is Mother's Day, not that you'd know it in my house. Unless, of course, you look on the table to see the flowers I bought myself. Yes, I bought them for myself. Because Nathaniel doesn't have a job.

I reminded Pat and told him point blank that I would be pissed if there was no card or flowers for me this monring. That's all I wanted, a card and some flowers. I even told him which ones I wanted and where he could get them. But I didn't get anything but a half assed apology about how he was going to go to the store last night, but fell asleep.

No asshole, you went to bed. You got undressed, got into bed (before me) and we talked for a few minutes before we fell asleep. That is not an accidental fall asleep. He wasn't on the couch, he went to bed.

I woke up at 5 this morning, and Nathaniel woke up shortly thereafter, but who got to sleep in, just like every other weekend day? Yeah. You guessed it. So by 7:45 I was starving and so was Nathaniel. We usually go to breakfast on Sunday morning, so N went to wake up Pat. That's when he came out with that lame ass story. I was furious and have every fucking right to be. (This is not the first time it happened. Every birthday, anniversary and Mother's Day has been like this.) I got dressed while he went back to bed, and left. I cam back a few minutes later, and they were both dressed, and ready to go. (I came back because I was crying so hard and kept wiping my eyes that I ripped a contact.)

We get up to go and Pat decides to tell me that he was "hoping" to take his mom to breakfast. Normally, I wouldn't have cared, but I didn't get a card or anything, why should she? Yes, I know how stupid that sounds. So I picked up Nathaniel and he and I left, but not before I told Pat how hurt I was. He always forgets important days (you know, because they announced yesterday that today was Mother's Day.) He had the balls enough to be pissed at me! I have never let a day go by that he hasn't gotten a card (I mean, Father's day, birthdays, etc) and I was just so hurt that he didn't give a shit.

We went out for breakfast, just the two of us, with a bunch of people looking at me like I must be the biggest piece of shit on the planet. To be obviously pregnant, with an almost 3 year old and no wedding rings on (and more than obviously had been crying), well it was just uncomfortable. Then we went to Jewel to get some groceries.

Nathaniel was looking at the flowes when we drove by them (in the car cart) and picked some out for me. So of course I bought them, since he was so proud of picking them out. We got home, and I got even more pissed off. Pat was home and playing video games.

I have no idea if he took his mom to breakfast or not, but I do know that he didn't give enough of a damn to get me a card. We were gone for an hour and a half. We get home and I put the tulips frok Nathaniel in a vase, and Nathaniel yells at Pat' Look what I got for her." Again, he was so proud. Pat just said "That's nice."

Nothing else. Not an I'm sorry. Not an "I would've bought them for you." Nothing. I can't even try to describe how hurt I am. But hey, lucky me, next year it will hurt twice as much, when i have two kids. SOmething to look forward to, huh?

A Nice Change

So, I've decided that this weekend I will tackle another task on my list. I am going to get rid of my old journals. God help me! These are the journals from high school (are they really over 20 years old?) and college. Ugh. So many memories. I now wish we had gotten a house with a fire place.

I think **and hope** that getting rid of them will be a healing process for me... to get rid of all the old pain that I had. Hopefully, I will be able to let it all go and see myself the way that Pat sees me. I fully intend on reading them one last time, although I am not sure if that's too smart. There is so much hurt in them. I've been wanting to get rid of them for YEARS, but I just couldn't let go. I am hoping that by making sure they are gone, that the hurt, sad, and utterly forgettable girl will go with them, allowing me to become me. I am hoping that by getting rid of that extra weight, I can start getting rid of the real extra weight.

I've been doing a lot of thinking on this subject lately. When I watch The Biggest Loser or Heavy, I see all the people are in some therapy and they deal with their emotions and pasts and go on to lose weight. I always thought, I don't have all that baggage. But, maybe I do. But, I also KNOW I am worth taking time for me, and I KNOW that the people in my life love me, that's why they are in my life now. So I will just continue to struggle with this matter. Maybe going through the old stuff will help bring about some much needed closure to the heinous times in my life, and allow me to embrace the present.

I am actually crying now, but I think it's because I can see myself as happy, with only positive thoughts and people surrounding me. Happy crying is a nice change.