Head Vs, Heart

**I started to type this yesterday, March 12, 2013, but I couldn't get through it all. Here is what I remember of what I had planned to say. This is also why I couldn't put the recipes in my previous post.**

Ugh. I just can't stop crying today. My head is battling with my heart and that always makes things difficult. Two years ago today, I had my second miscarriage. And my heart is breaking.

My heart misses what will never be. My heart longs for the baby I lost. My heart is full of pain today.

But my head, oh my head! My head knows that if I'd had that baby, I wouldn't have my sweet wonderful Veronica. I sit watching her and she is next to me laughing. She waves at me and gives me a smile, as if to say "Mommy, I was meant to be here with you, not the other one."

So while my heart breaks, my head rejoices in the new things my daughter discovers every day. My heart aches with pain but also with the joy she brings.

When your head and heart are battling, there will be no actual casualties, but it's a hard fought battle.

Not Again!!!!

I feel like I have to put this out there, even though I hadn't planned on doing this for quite a while. I don't know why God has decided that this is the path for my life, but it is beginning to make me question everything.

You see, very late Monday night, I took a pregnancy test. Although the second line was faint, it was there. I am pregnant!!! I was over the moon thrilled about it. Pat was less than thrilled, but supportive and happy. I took another test Tuesday morning, and it looked like the line was a little fainter. But it was still there.

Today, Wednesday, I took a digital to confirm that I am pregnant. It said "Not Pregnant."

I am just destroyed. Although I haven't gotten my period yet (which means there's a tiny chance of hope) I just can't bring myself around to believe that this time will be different. I am crushed. I am mad. I am really fucking pissed off. I am hoping I am wrong.

So if you read this, please say a prayer for me. I know I ask this a lot, but this was my last chance...

Today is the 26th.

Just typing the title of this post made me cry, because I know what's after the title. Pain.

Today would have been the latest I would have been allowed to go in my pregnancy that I lost in March. To think that today I would have been holding my second tiny baby.

I know that there are people who will read this post and think "Jesus, get over it." and to a degree, they're right. But for right now, fuck 'em. They have obviously never lost a child that they loved from the moment they knew about it.

Some people who read this will know that this was my second loss, and wonder why this one upsets me more than the first. Know that it doesn't. I feel this way every May 12th (when I found out) May 19th (when I lost it) and January 6th (it's due date).

The difference between the two is that I was pregnant with Nathaniel on January 6th. I am not pregnant now.

I hope that anyone reading this will send up a prayer for me and my family, just so that I can have the strength to get through the day. I am at peace with what happened, but I am still allowed to grieve.

And grieve I must. Please don't think that I don't know full well how blessed I already am. I do. Everytime I get a knee to my eye or a small foot in my back during the night, I do smile. (Sometimes after I get mad, but it's still there.) When I look at the mess that is my living room, I get exasperated, but I wouldn't trade that toy mess for anything. Same goes for the spots all over the carpet. The applesauce stains... the rice that dried to the carpet... the spaghetti sauce on the chair. (I know that makes me sound like a bad housekeeper, but I don't care what you think. My family knows I love them. Besides, the dishes are done, so there.)

I have come to terms with being "one and done," but it doesn't lessen the pain that I am feeling today.

If you've read this, and know someone who has gone through a miscarriage, say a short prayer for them today too. There is a part of them that will never be whole again.

Innocent Comments and George Harrison

Ugh. I knew it was going to be a bad day today, but damn. I feel like I've been hit by a bus.

It started so innocently. I was dropping off Nathaniel at school today and his teachers asked me when I was going to have another one. Yeah. The answer should have been "Wednesday!" with a big smile. But it's not.

Cue the tears. I fought them off until I got to the car, and then lost it. I left the parking lot, but had to pull over down the street. I couldn't see through the tears. Why did they pick today to ask this???????? Today I would be 38w3d, the exact gestational day that Nathaniel was born.

I sat in my car for a few minutes, trying to collect myself. I asked God to please let me hear some uplifting music on the radio, as I knew I needed something before I got to work with my tear-stained face.

Thank you God for George Harrison. I love the song "Set on You." It ahs always cheered me up. (Maybe not as much as I needed it to, but it worked a smidge.) I rolled down the window and sang it as loud as I could. I know exactly why I did that. It was to drive my own thoughts out of my head.

But, this time I know it's for real... that feeling that I feel. And I know it will take time and money, (wink wink) but I know that eventually, I will be more whole again. I just have to make it through next week.

Please, let me get through it...

Heard That Damn Song

I heard "Say What You Need to Say" when I was getting breakfast with Nathaniel this morning, and just lost it. I was crying in the middle of Great American Bagel. I'm sure I looked like a lunatic, but I really didn't care. That song just hurts so much.

I know that if I had given birth to that child, I wouldn't have my wonderful Nathaniel. But hearing it now, so close to what would have been my surgery date for a second C-section, just killed me today. (The surgery would have been in the next week and a half.)

So, as I was crying (and it was harder out in the parking lot) I asked my sweet angel for a hug and kiss. He gave it to me and said "Make you happy?" Of course he did. I know in my head and in my heart and in every part of my being that Nathaniel was the child I was meant to have. But sometimes that hurt is still there. Hearing that song ripped the scab off, and made me cry.

Can I Do It Again?

This may contain some TMI.

I sit here waiting for my cycle to begin again. This is the last one that we have to sit out, without trying to get pregnant. It should have started yesterday, but everything could still be off from the last miscarriage. (I'll wait three more days before I take a home test.)

But I am scared. I am scared of getting pregnant again and something going wrong. I don't know if I can cope with another miscarriage if that were to happen. I am also getting older, so I know that the chances of defects or chromosonal disorders increase every year.

I'd very much like to lose more weight before we try again. But, since I never seem to be able to do that, I don't want to say that we'll start trying again after I lose x amount of pounds, because then we never will try. And it will be all my fault. Being too heavy though, something could happen to the baby and that would be all my fault. Nathaniel's issues in the hospital... all my fault. His blood sugar wouldn't have been so low when he was born if I hadn't been diabetic and in need of insulin. What about his heart murmur? Heart troubles are directly related to diabetic moms. I know what his doctor told me... murmurs are VERY common and if anyone were to ever ask if he had heart problems, we could honestly tell them no. But does it stop me from blaming myself? Nope.

I did go for a good 30 minute walk today with Nathaniel. My goal is to do it every day this summer. Will it do me good? Yes. WIll I be able to keep up with it? Probably not. And that's what kills me.

When I was pregnant with Nathaniel, I walked every day. I found out I was pregnant on November 4th, the day Barack Obama won the election. I figured my world had changed more than his! (Pretty sure I was right.) Anyway, I started walking the very next day. I would walk 2 miles through our neighborhood, because I wanted him to be as healthy as possible. I remember one night in particular, I was going to walk tothe Subway to get a sandwich. It was so damn cold!! It was the end of December and I passed by the CVS. I went in there to buy a scarf, hat, and gloves, just so I could finish the walk to Subway. (Meatball sub with tons of spinach- for folic acid- green peppers and red onions. I still love the combo!) I knew what I needed to do and did it. So why can't I do that now?

I guess it all comes down to being scared. I am scared of failing. I am scared of success. I am scared of never feeling all those wonderful and dreadful things that I felt while pregnant before. I have got to get over my fears, so that life can go on.

It's Been 3 Years (may be graphic)

I hate May 20th.

Three years ago today, I had my first miscarriage. It was the most devestating day of my life. Now, I know that if I had given birth to this child, I would not have my Nathaniel. My head can do so many amazing things. But, my heart is still broken.

Tuesday, May 13th, 2008, I went to the doctor for a routine check up and found out that I was pregnant. I was pretty sure that I was, but wanted to confirm it with the doctors before saying anything to Pat. I kept hearing "Say What You Need to Say" by John Mayer every time I turned on the radio. Once at the doctor's office, I called Pat to come to the doctor's office and I told him. He was as shocked as I was, but we were thrilled. My due date would have been January 6, 2009.

I remember we went to Panda Express for dinner that night.

I remember how the next day we went to tell my family.

I remember the joy in my mom's face and the disappointment in my dad's. (He wouldn't even look at me, and God, did that hurt.)

I remember all the dreams that I had for this precious little child that I had running through my head.

I remember thinking that it was a good thing I had just bought an SUV, because I bought it with the thought that if I ever had children, I would need the space. (And since I had the Escort for 10 years, it was a pretty safe bet that I would have young kids with this car.)

I remember thinking about all the fun baby stuff I would get to buy.

Thursday, the 15th, I went to school and told a bunch of people. I was just too excited to not tell everyone. (I still do not regret that decision.) Thursday night with Pat was more planning and dreaming. (Even though he had just moved out of his dad's home, he was staying at my apartment some nights.)

But then, on Friday morning, I woke up with some spotting. When I got to school, people could tell something was bothering me. I told them what was going on, and others shared their (or their wives') experiences. Reassured, I was able to get through that day, but when it didn't stop by late afternoon, I went to the ER.

They did an ultrasound, and told me that if I were miscarrying, there was nothing that could be done, and sent me home. I went to the doctor again Saturday morning. She said that few women tested as early as I had (I was almost 7 weeks by then, and she has obviously never heard of thebump.com, where women routinely start peeing on sticks at 9 days after ovulation, but I pee early? Whatever.) She too told me that if it was a miscarraige, there was nothing that could be done.

The bleeding stopped Sunday, and was very light on Monday, but it was still there.

Tuesday, May 20th, I got dressed for work. I wore a pair of brown slacks that had some light pink striping through it and a sleeveless pink top. Pat had already left for work. I went to the bathroom one last time before leaving, and that's when I saw it. I was gushing bright red blood. I called work, hysterically crying, and told them that I was having an emergency and couldn't make it to work. Then I called Pat. He came rushing back and took me back to the ER. Again, there was nothing they could do.

They gave me a "hat" to pee in, and told me to collect the tissue so that it could be tested, if I wanted it to be. I didn't. So back home I went.

I spent the rest of the day in labor, passing large amounts of tissue and blood, watching as my dreams literally went down the toilet. At that point in time, I didn't know which was worse... the emotional pain or the physical pain.

I fully admit that I am a big baby when it comes to pain, but that was the worst pain of my life. Physically, it took 3 days of pain to get through the ordeal. Emotionally, well, as I said, it's been 3 years, and I am still heartbroken. My biggest supporter during this whole ordeal, by the way, was my dad. He called several times a day to see how I was doing. I will never forget that.

I threw out the clothes that I was wearing that day. I couldn't look at them. I still can't listen to that song. When it comes on the radio, I have to change the station.

But again, my head tells me that I have my Nathaniel, and I am very blessed to have him. I agree with my head. You can't argue the logic. I have the sweetest, most amazing boy in the whole world, and I wouldn't have had him if I had the one I lost.

If someone has never suffered a loss, they are the luckiest women in the world. Because once you've gone through it, nothing can ever be the same. Never will you have a "care-free" pregnancy. But, every day you go past the day that you had your loss is a small victory in your mind.

For three years, I kept my feelings bottled up inside me. Nearly every day, something reminds me of what might have been. But I am fortunate to have what I do, and I try to focus on that. But, at least 3 times a year, I mourn what might have been.

Today just bites

Here is a poem that describes how I feel. An e-friend found it and posted it. I don't know who the author is, but it really spoke to me. (except for the daughters part. Replace it with son and it's me.)

The Two-Faced Woman:

A wink, a nod, "I'm fine," I say,
To people as they walk past.
But inside my heart is torn to shreds,
My smile is just a mask.


I'll sit and chat, maybe share a joke,
Or at least I'll really try.
But my genuine friends see through the smoke,
My empty eyes cannot lie.


At home I weep, feel down in despair,
My feelings I cannot hide.
From husband, daughter, baby girl,
I'm afraid they're along for the ride.


Those waves of grief, they still hit hard,
And knock me off my feet.
I'm comforted, though, by their tender touch,
My daughters turn the bitter to sweet.


My babies now have Angel Wings,
In heaven they play and rest.
But in my heart I have their love,
And for that, I'm eternally blessed.


Yes, I'm the two-faced woman,
It's a job that I have to do.
To get on in life without my babies,
Day, week, and whole year through.

A week later, and life is so different

As it turns out, I had a chemical pregnancy. A week ago, life was so full of joys. Now, my life is full of pain. Thankfully, most if it is just physical pain. I am having some PPA again, but not as severe as when I had N.

We are going to try again in a few months, after everything calms down a bit more. Right now, I just want to focus on what I have been blessed with. I have a wonderful husband who loves me no matter what. (Thanks goodness our wedding song was "The Way I Am.") I also have a wonderfully perfect son who makes me laugh every day. He recently started saying "bless you" when I sneeze.

As far as my 10 things list goes, I will be writing about how I've organized my list. I don't think that I will re-type all 101 things, but maybe put them into categories by their numbers. I think that wold be easier for me to keep up with. I want to figure out how to do more with this blog, too. I enjoy being able to voice my thoughts without actually saying anything. I find it an excellent way to release the building crap in my head.