Can I Do It Again?

This may contain some TMI.

I sit here waiting for my cycle to begin again. This is the last one that we have to sit out, without trying to get pregnant. It should have started yesterday, but everything could still be off from the last miscarriage. (I'll wait three more days before I take a home test.)

But I am scared. I am scared of getting pregnant again and something going wrong. I don't know if I can cope with another miscarriage if that were to happen. I am also getting older, so I know that the chances of defects or chromosonal disorders increase every year.

I'd very much like to lose more weight before we try again. But, since I never seem to be able to do that, I don't want to say that we'll start trying again after I lose x amount of pounds, because then we never will try. And it will be all my fault. Being too heavy though, something could happen to the baby and that would be all my fault. Nathaniel's issues in the hospital... all my fault. His blood sugar wouldn't have been so low when he was born if I hadn't been diabetic and in need of insulin. What about his heart murmur? Heart troubles are directly related to diabetic moms. I know what his doctor told me... murmurs are VERY common and if anyone were to ever ask if he had heart problems, we could honestly tell them no. But does it stop me from blaming myself? Nope.

I did go for a good 30 minute walk today with Nathaniel. My goal is to do it every day this summer. Will it do me good? Yes. WIll I be able to keep up with it? Probably not. And that's what kills me.

When I was pregnant with Nathaniel, I walked every day. I found out I was pregnant on November 4th, the day Barack Obama won the election. I figured my world had changed more than his! (Pretty sure I was right.) Anyway, I started walking the very next day. I would walk 2 miles through our neighborhood, because I wanted him to be as healthy as possible. I remember one night in particular, I was going to walk tothe Subway to get a sandwich. It was so damn cold!! It was the end of December and I passed by the CVS. I went in there to buy a scarf, hat, and gloves, just so I could finish the walk to Subway. (Meatball sub with tons of spinach- for folic acid- green peppers and red onions. I still love the combo!) I knew what I needed to do and did it. So why can't I do that now?

I guess it all comes down to being scared. I am scared of failing. I am scared of success. I am scared of never feeling all those wonderful and dreadful things that I felt while pregnant before. I have got to get over my fears, so that life can go on.