So Unlike My Normal Self

Last night, Pat went out with some friends. Nathaniel stayed up late to meet some of his friends, and he was wonderful. Never got that "I'm way over-tired" attitude or meltdown. He went down around 9 (whis is super late and really uncommon). After he was asleep, which was nealry instantaneous, Pat and his friends went out. I started a load of laundry and a weird feeling started to crawl up my spine. I put the load in the wash and went back upstairs to check on Nathaniel. Everything was fine, but I was starting to freak out.

Now, I consider myself to be a reasonably level headed and educated person. I have read the bible (Ok, parts of it), and I know that a person predicting when the "rapture" would come is assinine, but I couldn't help it. I couldn't stop thinking about it. What would become of my son? Would he be saved? Would Pat or I? How would we go on without our son, or worse, how would we go on with him still here? All the suffering he would go through. The movie "The Mist" sprang to mind. (SPOILER ALERT FOR THE MOVIE) In the end, the main character kills his son to protect him from the mist and the creatures in it, only to find out minutes later that the government was coming to the rescue.

Could Pat or I do that, to save him?

I ended up having a full on anxiety attack. The last one I had (when I wasn't post-partum) was September 11, 2001. I just couldn't handle all my feelings and I was getting terrified.

I texted Pat and told him that I knew in my head that I was being stupid, but I needed him home because I was having massive anxiety issues. He came home about a half hour later. I was able to fall asleep for a few minutes while I waited for him, but as soon as I saw his face I started to cry. I was still so freaked out.

I tried so hard to fight the feelings that were overcoming my sanity. I tried for nearly 2 hours before I called him. Now I am wondering if I should bring this up to my doctor next time I go. I have been completely fine all day today, and was even able to joke about the rapture that wasn't. I wish I could just be a normal person, and not have these irrational episodes.