Deep Breath. Deep Breath. Deep Breath. I can get through this entry without going crazy, crying, or getting angry. Deep Breath. Deep Breath. Deep Breath.
Where to even start? Since my last entry, I have found life to be increasingly difficult to manage. It has not been easy having my sister and nephew here with us. Some days are ok, but most I just trudge through. I have to admit, I hate having them here. I wish they were gone. I just want my old life back. And of course saying that makes me feel like crap and fills me with guilt.
But I am so tired of being the one that people just assume is going to take care of everyone else. When Jess left, she left on a Wednesday. My mom went out of town that weekend, and never even considered staying home to make sure her youngest child (and a grandchild) would be alright. Never even considered it. I can guess why. One, because my nephew would break stuff at their house (I know this for a fact since it's happened here many times over) and two, because Joi will take care of everything. Because I have no choice in the matter.
Shit gets dumped on me all the time. Mom needs and appetizer for a party so she calls me. Jess needs a ride to court, they call me. Someone needs money, they call me. Where the fuck am I supposed to get any money? I am UNEMPLOYED!!!!
I had adjusted fairly well to being home. Until my life got flipped again by the extras. We had an agreement that she would do the dishes. Why do I have to keep reminding her to do them? She's 36 fucking years old!!!! I have to suggest that she takes a shower or bathe her kid. We'll never use the sheets that she's been using for the past three months, because they've only been washed once. Why should I have to fucking tell her. The washer and dryer are across the hall from the room they use (which stinks, by the way) and I only use it 4 days a week. That leaves 3 das for her to do her laundry, Larry's laundry, and their sheets and towels.
And the kid himself drives me up a fucking wall. He never listens, runs through the house, painted on Nathaniel's easel, has broken numerous toys, and lies, screams, and whines like there's no tomorrow. (Jess used to blame it on visiting his dad for the weekend, but he hasn't gone for three weeks and the kids is still an asshole. What's your excuse now?) I have no patience for it.
I'm hoping that things will get better soon. December simply sucked, and I love December. Christmas is my favorite day of the year. I plan activities for the entire Advent season. I work my tail off to make it incredible for my kids. I leave the decorations up until MLK day.
Not this year. I did the Advent calendar, and we did most of the activities I had planned, but I found no joy in them. No magic. I took down the decorations and ditched the tree on the 27th. I just wanted it all to go away. I felt hopeless, helpless, and lost. So I talked with Pat. That was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Admitting that something was out of control. He said that I should call my doctor, so I did, once I had insurance again, which was Jan. 1.
They couldn't see me until the end of the month. (I'm still waiting to see her, actually.) in the mean time, I confessed how miserable I've been to the ladies on my birth month club. They suggested a few places to call and to see a counselor or doctor. I've always felt like I've had depression, as is evidenced by many posts here and my past journal collection. So I called the one doctor that I could find that would accept my insurance. They had an opening Feb. 14th.
I just broke down and cried. I knew I needed help, as I felt like I could snap and hurt someone and I had said in front of my kids that it would be better if I just stuck a gun in my mouth and pulled the trigger. Fortunately, they had a cancellation and I was able to go about a week ago.
After speaking with the doctor and describing all the other things that were going on, she diagnosed me with anxiety and depression. I am now medicated for it. I just started my second week of meds, and I will be starting counseling around the end of February. I am hoping that the meds will work, but I don't have the positive attitude about that as I did last week. I just want to feel better, and I think a large part of that is losing two extra people who suck up what little patience I have.
so that's where we are. And to show just how much people think that I can handle everything without support, when I told my mom I was taking an anti-depressant, she simply said "I know what it is." (I had told her the name of the drug, and that it was an anti-D.) No how long has this been going on? no is there anything we can do? nothing. Just and "Oh" and "I know what it is."
Thanks for nothing mom.
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Monday, August 19, 2013
Oh, That Road to Hell
Well, it's Monday evening, and I said Monday morning. All those good intentions... But it was a rough night. Someone woke up at 3 am, wanting more snuggles (which I gladly give) but then wouldn't go back to sleep and kept getting up over and over and over until about 5:15 when he woke up his sister. And that was the start of my day. 3 am. So Veronica's sleep schedule was all fucked up (in fact, it's 5:30 pm and she's just now taking her second nap). Which means she ain't going to bed at 8. But dammit, I am.
Anyhow, let's start with today- Nathaniel's first day of preschool. Printed out a little sign that said "Today is my first day of preschool!!! August 19, 2012. I am 4 years old. My teacher is Ms. Melissa." It was so cute and I printed it out and told him that we were going to take pictures of him holding the sign. And then I realized. I typed 2012!!! Um, good morning! It's 2013. I should have just crawled back in bed at that point.
I managed to retype it and print it and get some really cute pictures. Then I took him and Veronica to Dunkin Donuts for munchkins for breakfast and then dropped him off. My eye was starting to kill me but since I was already out, I went to the grocery store. Still have to pick up the meat, but everything other than the meat cost just over $60 for the rest of August and all of September. I am really enjoying making my own stuff, but more on that later.
Get home and try to get V down for a nap. Not happening. Started laundry and then just sat down, exhausted. I pretty much was just beat by then and it was only 10 am. I finally got V down about 11 (she was fighting and overtired) and then called my sis to see how she was and before I knew it I had to leave to pick up Nathaniel. I get there, and wait in the line from hell. (I hope it was just because it was the first day and new parents didn't know what they were doing.) Finally I get him and ask him how his first day was.
"Kinda shitty. I had a string on my sock." was his response. What? I tried really hard not to laugh and asked him to tell me again how his day was.
He knew it was a word he shouldn't have said, so he changed it and said "Kinda chevy. Like the car." Boy oh boy, am I going to have my hands full with that kid!
So we went out for special lunch (chicken mcnuggets) and came home and have just been trying to get through the rest of the day. I have so much still going through my head. I want to tell you all about the many pinterest recipes I've made. I want to tell you about how I'm adjusting to being at home, and how I went through a patch of depression, and how I'm terrified now that the school year has started and I really am unemployed for the first time in 25 years. And how scared I am of not having health insurance and the fact that we can't afford it no matter what we do. And all the other things that float through my head about cleaning schedules, laundry schedules, making things from scratch and trying to justify it as healthier than store bought (which I'm sure it is, but I honestly think it's just filling a hole in my life), saving money and trying to save my sanity. And how I'm hoping and praying that I'm not just lazy.
But that will have to be another nap time. Because I need to get up and finish making dinner.
Anyhow, let's start with today- Nathaniel's first day of preschool. Printed out a little sign that said "Today is my first day of preschool!!! August 19, 2012. I am 4 years old. My teacher is Ms. Melissa." It was so cute and I printed it out and told him that we were going to take pictures of him holding the sign. And then I realized. I typed 2012!!! Um, good morning! It's 2013. I should have just crawled back in bed at that point.
I managed to retype it and print it and get some really cute pictures. Then I took him and Veronica to Dunkin Donuts for munchkins for breakfast and then dropped him off. My eye was starting to kill me but since I was already out, I went to the grocery store. Still have to pick up the meat, but everything other than the meat cost just over $60 for the rest of August and all of September. I am really enjoying making my own stuff, but more on that later.
Get home and try to get V down for a nap. Not happening. Started laundry and then just sat down, exhausted. I pretty much was just beat by then and it was only 10 am. I finally got V down about 11 (she was fighting and overtired) and then called my sis to see how she was and before I knew it I had to leave to pick up Nathaniel. I get there, and wait in the line from hell. (I hope it was just because it was the first day and new parents didn't know what they were doing.) Finally I get him and ask him how his first day was.
"Kinda shitty. I had a string on my sock." was his response. What? I tried really hard not to laugh and asked him to tell me again how his day was.
He knew it was a word he shouldn't have said, so he changed it and said "Kinda chevy. Like the car." Boy oh boy, am I going to have my hands full with that kid!
So we went out for special lunch (chicken mcnuggets) and came home and have just been trying to get through the rest of the day. I have so much still going through my head. I want to tell you all about the many pinterest recipes I've made. I want to tell you about how I'm adjusting to being at home, and how I went through a patch of depression, and how I'm terrified now that the school year has started and I really am unemployed for the first time in 25 years. And how scared I am of not having health insurance and the fact that we can't afford it no matter what we do. And all the other things that float through my head about cleaning schedules, laundry schedules, making things from scratch and trying to justify it as healthier than store bought (which I'm sure it is, but I honestly think it's just filling a hole in my life), saving money and trying to save my sanity. And how I'm hoping and praying that I'm not just lazy.
But that will have to be another nap time. Because I need to get up and finish making dinner.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
25 Hours From Now
I have about 25 hours left of my teaching career. I really can't wait to not be here or in any classroom for that matter. It's become really bad.
But even amongst the horror, there has always been some light. My colleauges. They are amazing people. They gave me flowers yesterday and a card. I knew I would cry when I read the card, so I waited until I got home to open it. Imagine my surprise when cash fell out. They had taken up a collection for me since I am leaving. They aer genuinely thoughtful people, and I think they are what's kept me going the last year. It surely hasn't been the students I had.
But I do have plans for next week, since both kids are going to day care. (I think after 19 years in education I deserve a week to myself, right?) I am going to spend one day doing some freezer cooking. I have about 18 recipes (and some of them are doubled) that can be assembled and then frozen to throw in the crock pot. I also intend to stock the pantry with a lot of non-perishables. I plan to spend close to $400.
Why? Becuase I'm terrified that my decision to leave and not have a job will mean that my kids will go hungry. If Pat and I don't eat dinner every night, we'll both be fine. (Perhaps even better off.) But I can't allow my kids to have that problem. And with them both eating table food now, and Nathaniel eating all three meals at home (he was having breakfast and lunch at school) I need to find ways to make sure they eat.
This summer, we'll be going to the farmer's market and stocking up on fruits- some to eat right away and some to freeze. Same with veggies. (Plus I found a "reduced to sell quick" section at one of the grocery stores last night that had great looking veggies for 50 cents a pound. That's a lot of green beans and zucchini! Bags of potatoes -that I can bake and freeze right away- for 99 cents.)
I think the fear of my kids going hungry is greater than the fear of being 39 with diabetes and no insurance. I should be able to pull out all of my retirement (minus the taxes and penalties, but you gotta do what you gotta do) and that should help us live for a while. Especially when we'll be saving over $1200 a month by not sending both kids to full time day care. Nathaniel will go to preschool 5 days a week, but it costs $360/month, as opposed to $220/week for day care for him and $180/week for Veronica. So that should help.
Pat keeps pushing me to apply for a teaching position in other districts, but I can't. I don't want to. I don't want to be near any children but my own for a looooong time. He just doesn't fucking get it. It hit me as to why when I was in the shower this morning. He's never held a job for 5 years, let alone 10. Nor has he been in the same industry for more than 5 years. I've been teaching for 19. That's got to be why he doesn't get it. And frankly, it pisses me the fuck off that he can quit his job and everything is supposed to be ok, but I quit mine and it's the end of the world. I secretly hate him for that.
But again, I digress. I've got my shopping lists made for next week and the kids' parties are planned. All I need to get for that is the food, which is really no big deal. And I have to print the invitations. I ordered everything from designers on Etsy this year, since it will be the first and only time they have separate themed parties. HIs is Mario Bros. and Veronica's is 1-der the Sea. OMG did her invites turn out cute!!! I serached for a long time befiore I settled on a design that I really liked. I hope to add pictures, but since it's still a month away, it will take some time.
So yeah, this turned out to not be about my 25 hours left, but about the hours, days, weeks and months afterwards. I am looking forward to the next chapter in my life. I just have to have faith that this was the right time and the right decision. Wish me luck!
But even amongst the horror, there has always been some light. My colleauges. They are amazing people. They gave me flowers yesterday and a card. I knew I would cry when I read the card, so I waited until I got home to open it. Imagine my surprise when cash fell out. They had taken up a collection for me since I am leaving. They aer genuinely thoughtful people, and I think they are what's kept me going the last year. It surely hasn't been the students I had.
But I do have plans for next week, since both kids are going to day care. (I think after 19 years in education I deserve a week to myself, right?) I am going to spend one day doing some freezer cooking. I have about 18 recipes (and some of them are doubled) that can be assembled and then frozen to throw in the crock pot. I also intend to stock the pantry with a lot of non-perishables. I plan to spend close to $400.
Why? Becuase I'm terrified that my decision to leave and not have a job will mean that my kids will go hungry. If Pat and I don't eat dinner every night, we'll both be fine. (Perhaps even better off.) But I can't allow my kids to have that problem. And with them both eating table food now, and Nathaniel eating all three meals at home (he was having breakfast and lunch at school) I need to find ways to make sure they eat.
This summer, we'll be going to the farmer's market and stocking up on fruits- some to eat right away and some to freeze. Same with veggies. (Plus I found a "reduced to sell quick" section at one of the grocery stores last night that had great looking veggies for 50 cents a pound. That's a lot of green beans and zucchini! Bags of potatoes -that I can bake and freeze right away- for 99 cents.)
I think the fear of my kids going hungry is greater than the fear of being 39 with diabetes and no insurance. I should be able to pull out all of my retirement (minus the taxes and penalties, but you gotta do what you gotta do) and that should help us live for a while. Especially when we'll be saving over $1200 a month by not sending both kids to full time day care. Nathaniel will go to preschool 5 days a week, but it costs $360/month, as opposed to $220/week for day care for him and $180/week for Veronica. So that should help.
Pat keeps pushing me to apply for a teaching position in other districts, but I can't. I don't want to. I don't want to be near any children but my own for a looooong time. He just doesn't fucking get it. It hit me as to why when I was in the shower this morning. He's never held a job for 5 years, let alone 10. Nor has he been in the same industry for more than 5 years. I've been teaching for 19. That's got to be why he doesn't get it. And frankly, it pisses me the fuck off that he can quit his job and everything is supposed to be ok, but I quit mine and it's the end of the world. I secretly hate him for that.
But again, I digress. I've got my shopping lists made for next week and the kids' parties are planned. All I need to get for that is the food, which is really no big deal. And I have to print the invitations. I ordered everything from designers on Etsy this year, since it will be the first and only time they have separate themed parties. HIs is Mario Bros. and Veronica's is 1-der the Sea. OMG did her invites turn out cute!!! I serached for a long time befiore I settled on a design that I really liked. I hope to add pictures, but since it's still a month away, it will take some time.
So yeah, this turned out to not be about my 25 hours left, but about the hours, days, weeks and months afterwards. I am looking forward to the next chapter in my life. I just have to have faith that this was the right time and the right decision. Wish me luck!
Saturday, May 21, 2011
So Unlike My Normal Self
Last night, Pat went out with some friends. Nathaniel stayed up late to meet some of his friends, and he was wonderful. Never got that "I'm way over-tired" attitude or meltdown. He went down around 9 (whis is super late and really uncommon). After he was asleep, which was nealry instantaneous, Pat and his friends went out. I started a load of laundry and a weird feeling started to crawl up my spine. I put the load in the wash and went back upstairs to check on Nathaniel. Everything was fine, but I was starting to freak out.
Now, I consider myself to be a reasonably level headed and educated person. I have read the bible (Ok, parts of it), and I know that a person predicting when the "rapture" would come is assinine, but I couldn't help it. I couldn't stop thinking about it. What would become of my son? Would he be saved? Would Pat or I? How would we go on without our son, or worse, how would we go on with him still here? All the suffering he would go through. The movie "The Mist" sprang to mind. (SPOILER ALERT FOR THE MOVIE) In the end, the main character kills his son to protect him from the mist and the creatures in it, only to find out minutes later that the government was coming to the rescue.
Could Pat or I do that, to save him?
I ended up having a full on anxiety attack. The last one I had (when I wasn't post-partum) was September 11, 2001. I just couldn't handle all my feelings and I was getting terrified.
I texted Pat and told him that I knew in my head that I was being stupid, but I needed him home because I was having massive anxiety issues. He came home about a half hour later. I was able to fall asleep for a few minutes while I waited for him, but as soon as I saw his face I started to cry. I was still so freaked out.
I tried so hard to fight the feelings that were overcoming my sanity. I tried for nearly 2 hours before I called him. Now I am wondering if I should bring this up to my doctor next time I go. I have been completely fine all day today, and was even able to joke about the rapture that wasn't. I wish I could just be a normal person, and not have these irrational episodes.
Now, I consider myself to be a reasonably level headed and educated person. I have read the bible (Ok, parts of it), and I know that a person predicting when the "rapture" would come is assinine, but I couldn't help it. I couldn't stop thinking about it. What would become of my son? Would he be saved? Would Pat or I? How would we go on without our son, or worse, how would we go on with him still here? All the suffering he would go through. The movie "The Mist" sprang to mind. (SPOILER ALERT FOR THE MOVIE) In the end, the main character kills his son to protect him from the mist and the creatures in it, only to find out minutes later that the government was coming to the rescue.
Could Pat or I do that, to save him?
I ended up having a full on anxiety attack. The last one I had (when I wasn't post-partum) was September 11, 2001. I just couldn't handle all my feelings and I was getting terrified.
I texted Pat and told him that I knew in my head that I was being stupid, but I needed him home because I was having massive anxiety issues. He came home about a half hour later. I was able to fall asleep for a few minutes while I waited for him, but as soon as I saw his face I started to cry. I was still so freaked out.
I tried so hard to fight the feelings that were overcoming my sanity. I tried for nearly 2 hours before I called him. Now I am wondering if I should bring this up to my doctor next time I go. I have been completely fine all day today, and was even able to joke about the rapture that wasn't. I wish I could just be a normal person, and not have these irrational episodes.
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