Long Time Coming

Deep Breath. Deep Breath. Deep Breath. I can get through this entry without going crazy, crying, or getting angry. Deep Breath. Deep Breath. Deep Breath.

Where to even start? Since my last entry, I have found life to be increasingly difficult to manage. It has not been easy having my sister and nephew here with us. Some days are ok, but most I just trudge through. I have to admit, I hate having them here. I wish they were gone. I just want my old life back. And of course saying that makes me feel like crap and fills me with guilt.

But I am so tired of being the one that people just assume is going to take care of everyone else. When Jess left, she left on a Wednesday. My mom went out of town that weekend, and never even considered staying home to make sure her youngest child (and a grandchild) would be alright. Never even considered it. I can guess why. One, because my nephew would break stuff at their house (I know this for a fact since it's happened here many times over) and two, because Joi will take care of everything. Because I have no choice in the matter.

Shit gets dumped on me all the time. Mom needs and appetizer for a party so she calls me. Jess needs a ride to court, they call me. Someone needs money, they call me. Where the fuck am I supposed to get any money? I am UNEMPLOYED!!!!

I had adjusted fairly well to being home. Until my life got flipped again by the extras. We had an agreement that she would do the dishes. Why do I have to keep reminding her to do them? She's 36 fucking years old!!!! I have to suggest that she takes a shower or bathe her kid. We'll never use the sheets that she's been using for the past three months, because they've only been washed once. Why should I have to fucking tell her. The washer and dryer are across the hall from the room they use (which stinks, by the way) and I only use it 4 days a week. That leaves 3 das for her to do her laundry, Larry's laundry, and their sheets and towels.

And the kid himself drives me up a fucking wall. He never listens, runs through the house, painted on Nathaniel's easel, has broken numerous toys, and lies, screams, and whines like there's no tomorrow. (Jess used to blame it on visiting his dad for the weekend, but he hasn't gone for three weeks and the kids is still an asshole. What's your excuse now?) I have no patience for it.

I'm hoping that things will get better soon. December simply sucked, and I love December. Christmas is my favorite day of the year. I plan activities for the entire Advent season. I work my tail off to make it incredible for my kids. I leave the decorations up until MLK day.

Not this year. I did the Advent calendar, and we did most of the activities I had planned, but I found no joy in them. No magic. I took down the decorations and ditched the tree on the 27th. I just wanted it all to go away. I felt hopeless, helpless, and lost. So I talked with Pat. That was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Admitting that something was out of control. He said that I should call my doctor, so I did, once I had insurance again, which was Jan. 1.

They couldn't see me until the end of the month. (I'm still waiting to see her, actually.) in the mean time, I confessed how miserable I've been to the ladies on my birth month club. They suggested a few places to call and to see a counselor or doctor. I've always felt like I've had depression, as is evidenced by many posts here and my past journal collection. So I called the one doctor that I could find that would accept my insurance. They had an opening Feb. 14th.

I just broke down and cried. I knew I needed help, as I felt like I could snap and hurt someone and I had said in front of my kids that it would be better if I just stuck a gun in my mouth and pulled the trigger. Fortunately, they had a cancellation and I was able to go about a week ago.

After speaking with the doctor and describing all the other things that were going on, she diagnosed me with anxiety and depression. I am now medicated for it. I just started my second week of meds, and I will be starting counseling around the end of February. I am hoping that the meds will work, but I don't have the positive attitude about that as I did last week. I just want to feel better, and I think a large part of that is losing two extra people who suck up what little patience I have.

so that's where we are. And to show just how much people think that I can handle everything without support, when I told my mom I was taking an anti-depressant, she simply said "I know what it is." (I had told her the name of the drug, and that it was an anti-D.) No how long has this been going on? no is there anything we can do? nothing. Just and "Oh" and "I know what it is."

Thanks for nothing mom.

The Voices Won't Stop!

The voices in my head won't stop talking to me. I am going nuts with the lack of sleep. I haven't been sleeping well lately. I can't seem to shut off my mind. There are just so many things running around in there, and it seems they have the space to do it! It's 11:45 pm, and I plan on getting up at 6 tomorrow morning so that I can get to work early. I have tons of stuff to do there too. None that I really want to do though.

I have been really struggling with this school year. It started out great but went to shit pretty quick. I don't want to be there, and I really don't feel like I like any of my students. I would hate for Nathaniel to ever have a teacher that feels like that, and I am trying to remind myself of that every day. I pray that God helps me to be the teacher that my students need, but it doesn't seem to happen for me. I have been looking to schools to see what else I can do with my life, but what kind of job security will that give me? What about spending time with Nathaniel? Right now, I get to sepnd a lot of time with him, and I love that. And I really do like teaching, I enjoy it overall, but I am just struggling this year. And that sucks because behaviorally, my class is pretty good. Academically, they want to try (ok, well most of them). So obviously, the problem is me.

I am also feeling quite overwhelmed by debt right now. I know that I'm getting an extra paycheck this month, which will help greatly, but I still have the mortgage, daycare (both of them) electric, gas, credit cards and everything else to pay for and I just feel like I am just barely treading water. I know in the back of my head (somewhere) that we have enough to pay for our bills. But until I actually get everything paid, it will be on my mind. This is not conducive to sleep, however.

I am hopeful that soon my mind will calm down and allow me to sleep peacefully and deeply, and restfully.

Exhausted!

Today has been such a long day. It started at 5 this morning with me waking up. I heard Nathaniel in his room, making some noise, although he was not yet awake. I got up and as I was climbing over the gate, he woke up. Ugh. I like an hour or so to myself in the morning. It's the only good thing about waking up so early.

Anyway, I went in to get him, knowing tha thte sheets would be soaked and so would he. I was wrong! He woke up dry!!! We went to the bathroom and he peed in the toilet. I was so excited that I called to Pat to wake up and cheer for Nathaniel. I thought to myself, "Wow, this is really going to work."

I should have known better. There were only two more times that he went pee on the toilet all day. By 10:30 this morning, we had gone through as many pairs of underwear as we had all day yesterday. I am so stressed out about this I can't even explain it.

I really want to give up. I know that I can't... not yet anyway. I have to give it at least the 3 days, right? Pat and I were just beyond frustrated, and began snapping at each other. My mom came over for a while and tried to help me out with some of the birthday stuff I need to get done, but mostly I just wanted to cry and get out!

Lately, I have been feeling like I don't want to be me. I don't want to be a mom or a wife. I don't want to be a teacher. I don't want to be me. It scares the shit out of me that I feel that way. I hate feeling like that and I am hoping that it's just the stress that I have right now. This is supposed to be an awesome summer for me. It's not working out that way.

I am still hoping that by tomorrow evening, he gets it. I truly think that we have been following the method exactly. One of us is always with him. We give him tons of priase, even when he doesn't do anything. We constatnly remind him to tell us that he has to go potty. We check for dry underpants. It just isn't clicking.

Maybe I am pushing too much too soon. I really thought thaat he wou;d be able to do this in a snap.

Just What I Needed

I am having a hard time lately. I just feel like I am so stressed that I am going to snap. I physically hurt from the stress of life. I can't sleep. I eat crap to give me energy (even though it really doesn't).

But today was just the breaking point. School was mostly okay, but I feel like there is just so much to do and I can't seem to get it done. The cold, crappy weather doesn't really help either.

I texted Pat to ask him if he would please give me a foot rub, since I am just bone tired and sore. He said he would when he got home, but he was at his dad's house. I thought about it for a while, and then asked him if he could take Nathaniel over there for a while. He met me at home, and took Nathaniel with him. I am now sitting in the quiet dark, in sweats and a sweater, and I can feel the tension actually leave my spine.

I am so grateful for my wonderful hubby. I don't know how I'd get through the end of this season without him. He's also going to pick up dinner. I love him so much! He gave me just what I needed... time for myself.