Who Is That?

When I look at myself in the mirror, I don't know who I see. I feel like I know her name, but I don't really know anything about her. She looks so weak, but I know that she has done many things that take strength. She looks tired, but I know that she will continue working until everything is finished. She looks happy, but I know that she is not.

What the hell is going on with me? Since last week, I certainly have not felt like myself at all. I feel so overwhelmed at the tiniest of things. I get so irritated so quickly (faster than before, if you can believe that!). I don't understand why people make the choices they do.

A prime example: I cleaned out the basement over the weekend. Well, one eyesore in particular. Pat had told me that he would take care of it and after 5 months, I got really tired of seeing it. Most of it was broken down cardboard that could go into the recycling. So, I took all the garbage out of the box, and put in only broken down boxes for the green recycling bin for Wednesday's garbage pick up.

I asked him to take it out and put it in the bin, which is the size of our big garbage can (it hold like 7 garbabge bags). When he came back in, I asked him if he got it in there. He said "I didn't think it would fit, so I didn't put it in."

I just don't get that. So instead of putting some of the cardboard in (to an EMPTY container) you put none, because you thought that it wouldn't all fit???

That is when I became furious! It was like a switch flipped in my brain. It is pissing me off again just writing about it. WTF!?!?!?!?!

I get mad (and hurt again) every time I look at Pat. I know that's not right and that's not normal. I do love him, and God knows he is trying. We went to Michigan City yesterday. He called and asked if we wanted to go once Nathaniel got up from his nap. Since he hadn't gone down yet, we left right after Pat got home. On the way out there, he tried to hold my hand in the car, as we used to do. I just couldn't (because of the pain in looking at him and being with him). Anyway, we finally get out there and his phone rings. It's his dad, who so very conveniently, is on his way to Michigan City. (his uncle and cousin were already out there, at the cottage, when Pat had said "let's just take a drive, the 3 of us.")

So his dad has really incredible timing, huh? Two incidents in less than a week? I don't think so. But here's where Pat is trying. We went to the outlet mall and then went back home. We did not stop and see his family (two of the three would have been ok) but instead went back home. So I know he is at least trying to get it, but I really think that being with his family would be too much for me right now. I feel like they all had a part in his decision and what he wants. Much like my family influenced me and my decisions. But his was so sudden and the hurt is still very real.

So I have decided that after school starts again and things settle down a bit (with that, I don't think they'll ever settle down here) I am going to seek out some counceling. I can't live like this anymore, nor should I have to. I would love to be the happy girl that I used to be. I just hope that when I look in the mirror, I can find her.