I Guess I'm Human After All

Who knew? Apparently, I am not the cold, heartless bitch that I thought. (or that others thought, I'm not really sure.) I say this because tomorrow is Pat's Dad's wake.

And I am sad.

I had to buy the paper this morning, to get his obituary so that I could take my three days bereavement and get paid for it, instead of using sick days. I opened up the Sun Times and started to read it.

And I cried.

I am not sad that a major stressor is gone from my life. I am not sad that Pat can now come home at the end of his long workday. But I am sad that Nathaniel will not remember either of his grandfathers. I am sad that he will not grow up hearing thier stories. I am sad that Pat is so hurt (although he really tries to hide it.)

But, I am also sad that I just couldn't have let it all go before he died. Honestly, I think about it and wonder how much of the bullshit was real and how much was imaginary? But, wouldn't he have been happy that there is a person in this world that would defend his son and grandson at any expense?

No matter how negative a thing he said about my son or my husband (his own son) I would have fought him tooth and nail. What parent wouldn't want a person like that in their child's life?

When Pat and I first became aware that we were going to be parents ourselves, we had several long talks about how we would be different from our parents. I remember him swearing to me that he would never treat Nathaniel the way that his dad treated him (regarding the negativity and manipulation). The fact that he could even acknowledge that there was something disfunctional about his relationship with his dad speaks volumes. So not all of it was in my imagination.

In discussing my feelings with my sounding board and BFF, we talked about how Pat's dad loved kids. I had heard stories about how he adored Pat's sister (same mom, different dad) when she was young. He loved Johnny's little girl while she was around. He even would play with and buy Christmas presents for my nephew Larry. Then there was Nathaniel. I think he thought the sun rose and set on that kid's behind. (Doesn't it? I am pretty sure that's true.) SO masybe he just loved kids until they got to a certain age.

If that's so, then maybe it's a good thing that he died before Nathaniel hit that age of the stand off. I am honestly doing my best to make sure that Nathaniel will always love his grandpa, and that's where I start to tear up.

Because, his grandpa really loved him. And that goes a long way with softening my heart. So, I guess I'm human after all. I just hope that my tears don't look fake tomorrow or Thursday. They are real. And so is the sadness.