Bitter

A friend announced on facebook yesterday that she's expecting her third child. WHile I love my son and am happy that we have our one perfect child, I can't help but be sad and bitter (and jealous!) about this. Maybe because everything is so up in the air right now. Maybe it's the PMS. But I think that most likely it's because my due date is quickly approaching for the one I lost in March.

Don't get me wrong, I am very happy for the friend and I do not begrudge anyone their own happiness, but today it just stings a little.

Edited at 11:10 to add: An online "friend" just announced her pregnancy. I only know this woman as an internet stranger that frequents the same forums that I do. I am beyond thrilled for her, and not one ounce of bitterness or jealousy. This is her first, after many years of infertility and trying. She was scheduled for an IVF in Octeober, but managed a Hail Mary. I do not know anything about her other than her strugles, but I feel complete and total joy for her.

(The other person already has two kids. Still jealous and bitter.)

Up, Down, and All Around

So I have been all over the place with my feelings this week. Ok, all my life. Thanks for making me admit it. I was really down earlier this week. Pat and I have been trying to add to our family and this month was the first that we could try after the last miscarriage. I thought that we had great timing (we had a great time, anyway!). I was really positive with this cycle. But, the past few days I just knew that it wasn't this month. I was right. So, I was sad about that, but I was also strangely relieved that I wasn't pregnant. I can give myself a little more time to focus on my own health, and I don't have to obsess over every little thing for the next nine months.

I've also been up. After 14 months off, Pat went back to work this week. I could not have been more thrilled. It was such a relief to have that burden lifted from our shoulders, and I actually got some sleep a few nights. but, I really miss him. He's back to working 6 days a week, sometimes 10 hours a day. He leaves around 7, and since it's summer, Nathaniel is still asleep. He has gotten back both Monday and Tuesday in time to put Nathaniel to bed, and I am grateful for that. He loves his son so much and I can see it hurts him to be away so much, but we have to take care of our family. Sometimes that means making the hard choices. So, it's a win-win and a lose-lose situation there. Ugh.

Another reason to be glad and rejoice is that a very dear friend had her son this morning. She will be and already is a phenomenal mother. Much love to her and her new family.

Now, to the waiting period. Another very good friend of mine is going to be taking a pregnancy test on Friday. I have everything crossed for her in hopes that it will be positive. All she's ever wanted in life is to be a mom, and at our ages, it gets so much harder. BEst of luck to her as well!

I have also recommitted myself to getting healthier. I figure, since I'm not pregnant right now, I can go ahead and lose some weight. I walked a good mile and a half (to the library, then farmer's market next door, and then back) and have eaten really well today. Nathaniel wants spaghetti for dinner (yes, he asks for what he wants!) and that will be hard not to eat all those carbs. But I am focusing my energy on this one question: What do I want more, that particular food or a baby?

On a related note, some small victories today. First, we drove to Target this morning, and I thought to myself "we're already in the car. I could just stop at the libreary and market on the way home, and not walk." but I got my ass moving anyway. The weather was perfect too! Not hot with a great breeze. Another victory- nathaniel asked for pizza for lunch. He is just like his daddy there. I made one for him and he ate only half of it. That damn pizza was staring at me. I swear to you that I heard it call my name! But I didn't eat it! I threw it in the garbage- the one with the dirty diapers- so there was no way that I could eat it. I am eating my salad right now- made with romaine from the farmer's market- and althought it ain't pizza, it's not bad either. So, I've had 3 servings of veggies today (it's a big salad) and one fruit. I'm not supposed to eat fruit on Atkins, but shit. If I have to fall off the diet, at least it's with fruit, right?

And they were sooooo good.

A Punch in the Gut

A good friend of Pat's announced today that he and his wife are expecting their first child. While I am truly happy for them, it just felt like I was punched right in the gut.

I would've been 20 weeks today, which is halfway. We'd have been about 3 weeks from finding out the sex of the baby. Right now it just hurts.

On the other hand, I think we had really good timing this month, and in 9 days, I will be able to take a test. We shall see.

Good luck to our friends. May they (she) have an easy pregnancy and a very healthy child.