Up, Down, and All Around

So I have been all over the place with my feelings this week. Ok, all my life. Thanks for making me admit it. I was really down earlier this week. Pat and I have been trying to add to our family and this month was the first that we could try after the last miscarriage. I thought that we had great timing (we had a great time, anyway!). I was really positive with this cycle. But, the past few days I just knew that it wasn't this month. I was right. So, I was sad about that, but I was also strangely relieved that I wasn't pregnant. I can give myself a little more time to focus on my own health, and I don't have to obsess over every little thing for the next nine months.

I've also been up. After 14 months off, Pat went back to work this week. I could not have been more thrilled. It was such a relief to have that burden lifted from our shoulders, and I actually got some sleep a few nights. but, I really miss him. He's back to working 6 days a week, sometimes 10 hours a day. He leaves around 7, and since it's summer, Nathaniel is still asleep. He has gotten back both Monday and Tuesday in time to put Nathaniel to bed, and I am grateful for that. He loves his son so much and I can see it hurts him to be away so much, but we have to take care of our family. Sometimes that means making the hard choices. So, it's a win-win and a lose-lose situation there. Ugh.

Another reason to be glad and rejoice is that a very dear friend had her son this morning. She will be and already is a phenomenal mother. Much love to her and her new family.

Now, to the waiting period. Another very good friend of mine is going to be taking a pregnancy test on Friday. I have everything crossed for her in hopes that it will be positive. All she's ever wanted in life is to be a mom, and at our ages, it gets so much harder. BEst of luck to her as well!

I have also recommitted myself to getting healthier. I figure, since I'm not pregnant right now, I can go ahead and lose some weight. I walked a good mile and a half (to the library, then farmer's market next door, and then back) and have eaten really well today. Nathaniel wants spaghetti for dinner (yes, he asks for what he wants!) and that will be hard not to eat all those carbs. But I am focusing my energy on this one question: What do I want more, that particular food or a baby?

On a related note, some small victories today. First, we drove to Target this morning, and I thought to myself "we're already in the car. I could just stop at the libreary and market on the way home, and not walk." but I got my ass moving anyway. The weather was perfect too! Not hot with a great breeze. Another victory- nathaniel asked for pizza for lunch. He is just like his daddy there. I made one for him and he ate only half of it. That damn pizza was staring at me. I swear to you that I heard it call my name! But I didn't eat it! I threw it in the garbage- the one with the dirty diapers- so there was no way that I could eat it. I am eating my salad right now- made with romaine from the farmer's market- and althought it ain't pizza, it's not bad either. So, I've had 3 servings of veggies today (it's a big salad) and one fruit. I'm not supposed to eat fruit on Atkins, but shit. If I have to fall off the diet, at least it's with fruit, right?

And they were sooooo good.