There are so many things running through my head, and I will attempt to put them in some sort of order, but we all know how that might turn out. But here goes:
Entry 1: I Heard That Damn Song
I heard "Say What You Need to Say" on the radio this morning. I tried so hard not to cry, but I did. I think because I was thinking about being pregnant again by the time we go back to school in the fall. (Fall, ha! But that is another of the ramblings.) I am scared to get pregnant and scared not to.
I hate the waiting. I hate the what ifs. I hate that part of me wants to wait until I lose weight. I hate that part of me that knows that will never happen. I hate that if I do get pregnant, it will not be easy. I hate knowing what can happen to an unborn child when their mother is diabetic.
However, I loved being pregnant with Nathaniel. I loved the connection that we had. I loved singing Christmas songs to him in my tummy. I loved reading to him every day. I loved feeling him squirm inside me. I loved feeling him kick. I loved that Pat could feel him kick too. I loved the excitement that we shared. I loved talking to Nathaniel in my belly. I loved my 3:30 Jeopardy and ice cream time, and Nathaniel would go crazy every day at that time.
But I am scared.
Entry 2: Last Day Of School
HALLELUJAH!!!!! I am so happy that today is the last day of school. No more pencils, no more books, no more parent's dirty looks! No more 11 year old body odor. No more stopping fights over who looked at a boy or girl. No more stress!!
I can't wait to take my blood pressure next week and see how it's changed. I am so looking forward to my summer break. I know that it will be hard to keep Nathaniel entertained, since he is so used to being around other kids, but we can go to the park to play with other kids. We already signed up for the summer reading program at the library, and I think I may sign him up for a swim class. We won't be able to walk there though.
But it's over.
Entry 3: Summer Plans
OK, so I mailed out my baby's birthday invites this morning. I cry just thinking about it. Where has the time gone? My son is almost 2 years old. While I walked to the office to turn in my keys at school, I thought, "just two years ago I walked down this hall thinking next time I walk down them, I will be a mom." It just really hit me this morning. In 3 short years, I will be sending my boy to Kindergarten. I know he will just love it. All the kids, the structure, the learning... but I am getting ahead of myself. I want to enjoy this summer with my son. He is such an amazing little guy.
So, we have his party on June 26th, and his actual birthday on the 28th. I am thinking about going to the pool on that day, and asking some family to come along to swim. I think that would be fun for him. He goes to the dentist tomorrow (eek!) and then oon the 29th, he goes for his two year old check up and shots. July is pretty clear right now, but then in August we have Pat's birthday. I am planning a surprise party for him at Dave and Buster's, and I have to finish figuring out what we'll be having and all the logistics of the whole thing. It's going to cost a pretty penny, but I really want to be able to do it for him. It will also mark the end of my summer, so I really don't want to think too much about it.
But it will be fun!
Entry 4: Forgive and Forget
I have been really tring hard with this goal on my 101 things to do in 1001 days. I just find it really hard. The person is getting sicker and sicker, and part of me thinks that he deserves it. And then I despise myself for thinking that. When he dies, it will cause so much hurt to others that I love dearly. I don't want them to hurt at all, for any reason. I have been kinder to this person in recent months, but I really just can't stand the way he treats people. That's the crux of it. (Is crux a word that I've spelled and used correctly?) Why does a person treat someone so badly, and then expect that person to be "on call" 24/7? I mean, berating the person for every little thing and making them feel guilty for things they had no control over, but still demanding that no matter what that person has going on in life, they drop it for the sick person? I don't get it. Not at all.
But I am trying.
Entry 5: Another Goal Done
Speaking of my 101 things to do in 1001 days, I finished another goal yesterday without even realizing it. At the end of the school year, we have a party to celebrate. I bought them pizza for lunch. Usually, I collect money for the cost of the pizza, but this year I didn't. So I accomplished goal number 91, buy pizza for my class. Yay me, another one down.
OK, I think that may be all I have to say right now. School has ended and in a few minutes I have to go out to the BBQ. Can't wait until it's over.
HAPPY SUMMER 2011!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
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