How Do I Continue to Believe?

How can I go on? "Because you have to" isn't an answer for me today. Fuck "have to." And fuck the people that say it.

I took several pregnancy tests this week, but when I went to the doctor, my test was negative. I was told to go home and wait to miscarry. The nurses did take blood, to do a beta draw, but I won't get those results until Monday. In the meantime...

How do I have hope? It implies that there is still some "positive" in me. The same goes for believing.

I try so hard to be positive, but I can't right now. A friend of mine led me to a misdiagnosed miscarriage website, which I have found to be helpful. They are stories of women who have been told they were going to miscarry. Some of them did, but most of them went on to have a healthy pregnancy. All I know is that I will not be having a D&C any time soon. I will refuse it until I can't refuse it anymore, in hopes of seeing a heartbeat. Now, if I lose it naturally, then there's nothing that can be done.

Somehow I will go on. But I will always feel more broken than mended, no matter what else happens in my life. 3 strikes and you're out, right? I can't ride this emotional roller coaster any more and won't ever do it again.