I went to Target to get a few things... Baby food, a rain coat for each of the kids, spring/summer jammies for them, and a condelence card. While I was in the card section, it hit me that I needed to get a card for my mom's wedding on Saturday.
I walked to the aisle that had the wedding cards in them and just started sobbing. Mom's getting married on Saturday. In three days, she won't have the same last name she's had since 1968. My dad's name.
Dad died after suffering through illnesses and invalidity on July 3, 2010, a few days after Nathaniel's first birthday. He's buried in a cemetary not too far from where mom works. And although in my head I know he's not there, I fear that he's alone. That he always will be alone. And that my mom will forget about him.
It's not that I'm not happy for my mom. I am. (Or try to be.) She deserves to be happy. I promised her that when Dad died, if she found someone else I would be happy for her. But I never expected that to actually happen, so it was an easy promise.
The man she is marrying makes her happy. She makes him happy. Everyone is so happy it makes me want to vomit. I put on my smile and try to be as welcoming as possible, but I find that I am having a harder time than I ever expected to.
There's nothing wrong with him, but little comments that he makes drive me crazy. Like "I get to become a father and grandfather all in one day." No, my dad is dead and my kids aren't your grandkids. Ever.
Pat and I talked about how this was making me feel, about how I feel like my dad will be alone forever. He said he felt the same way about his dad. I don't care about his dad. My dad bought 6 plots in the cemetary, to fill up with his wife and kids, I assume. His dad bought 4 plots so that he could have a monument erected. I know two people that can be buried there- his uncle and the cousin who will probably never marry. So one spot will go unused. Pat and I plan to be buried together, and he knows better than to plant me by his dad. That brings us around again to my dad being all alone.
I would never tell my mom the way I feel because I don't want to hurt her. But inside I am hurting so much.
When dad was inurned, mom said to me that she did not have her name added on the headstone because she had seen others where the wife remarried and was buried next to her second husband so it looked as if she never died on the tombstone. In retrospect, I knew she meant to remarry all along. I don't want her to be alone but I cannot move on like she has.
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