5 or so drafts waiting

I have sat down a million times to update my blog and my adventure into being a SAHM (Stay At Home Mom), but with that comes a few distractions. OK, a LOT of distractions. I have at least 5 drafts that are thoughts rolling around in my head and updates that will probably never make it to a post status. I think they'll be fine though. As in I'm going to try not to lose any sleep over them. I will try to update more often, as I am going to need some sort of outlet. But for now, here goes:

I enjoyed my summer with my kids. I truly did. But I also thought that I'd have found a job by now. I get depressed when I think about it, so I try not to, which doesn't do anything to solve the problem. I have a good amount of retirement saved up in the system, but I can't even apply for that until November (4 months after you stop paying into it you can ask for it.) So September, October and most of November will suck. Hard.

I've done a lot of planning and prepping. I have one more paycheck coming to me, and with that, I will finish my stocking up of food, to make sure that my kids eat every day, and eat well. I am still terrified that the decision I made will have more complex implications than I can realize. But I know I made the right decision. When I can get my retirement money, we will have enough to get us out of debt completely, other than the house and student loans. I hope and pray that the planning I've done will be enough. >BR>
I've been making a lot of homemade things, and the kids and husband have taken to them. Especially the bread. Making a lot of casseroles and then freezing half of it for another day. My most recent homemade was jam, both blueberry and strawberry. They are both great! Cost-wise, I don 't think they are comparable, as I can get a large jar pretty cheap, But the taste!!! OMG the taste! I made three of each kind and only used 2/3 c of sugar per recipe. The sweetness comes from the fruit itself, which was fairly inexpensive at the farmer's market. The kids love it too. Next I am going to make my own ketchup.

Now, the timer from the microwave is going off, telling me that dinner is done and therefore I am too. I have a million and ten more thoughts in my head. Hopefully I'll be back no later than Monday to continue the exodus of thoughts. And Nathaniel starts preschool Monday, so I will need an emotional outlet. HOw is he 4 already? I only blinked once!

Coming to an End

I am not one who usually jumps headfirst into things without weighing each pro and con, so when I have a big decision to make, it takes a while. I mean, I start planning my kids; birthday parties 6 months in advance and make lists upon lists of things that I could do, so I can have a plan in place. It gives me a sense of security.

Getting married? No brainer. That was an easy decision.

Having children? Took us months to decide whether to have a second one.

Deciding on a house? We looked at over 50.

So my latest decision has had me stumped for months. I have honestly been working on this since December. Do I stay in teaching or try something new?

I weighed the pros such as my time off with my kids, decent pay, great insurance. I weighed the cons, such as ever increasing demands, depression related to work, migraines, more administrative bullshit than I care to deal with, and so on. And I came to a decision.

I. AM. DONE. Yes, it will be hard to work year round, but I think that's a case of ignorance would have been bliss. I mean millions of women work year round and their children still love them and they get things done. Why shouldn't I be able to as well? I thought of what I'd be taking away from my children- all that time with them. But I think that giving them a happier mom who is under less stress would be just as, if not more, beneficial to them.

So I told my first colleague today that I'm not coming back. She tried to talk me out of it, but all I could do was cry. I don't want to be there. I don't want to deal with any of the crap that we deal with. I have lost my passion for teaching and that's dangerous. A teacher who is just collecting a check isn't doing society any good. I don't want to be that, but I feel myself inching closer and closer to that.

I am terrified too. I don't know what I'll do. I know I have 4 months to find something, and that's a luxury not many are afforded. And I do know that any other job in the world is going to have administrative bullshit and a whole list of cons.

But I have to try. All I've ever done is teach. My first class was in 1994. Yes, I count the years I spent teaching preschool. Nearly 20 years of experience, and I despise it so much that I'm willing to walk away from it all. My books that I've spent thousands of dollars on. My posters. My summers. My pension.

And I don't care.

Emotional Overload

My emotions are all over the place today. I helped my mom find a new place to live. It was great to spend time with her and to be able to help her out. It's something she's never had to do before. At the end, when she called the owner of the place she really liked, she was crying. I told her that I was very proud of her, because if she could do that, she can do anything.

In all honesty, I was terrified of the places she was looking at. Not the best of neighborhoods. I really wanted her to move closer to me (maybe after she retires). She didn't want to do it because it's too far for her to go to work. We did find a nice place in a good area. I feel confident about the place, which I think really has helped her. Once she sells the house she's in right now, there will be a lot less stress in her life. So my emotion is happy.

I also am sad because I am packing up Nathaniel's baby clothes and throwing out the rest of the diapers tomorrow. There's about 10 that I will be actually tossing, so it's not too bad. But I am losing my baby and gaining a big boy. So I am happy and sad. I am also scared. What if I fail him?

I am also excited about him finally being out of diapers. Not like he's four or anything. In fact he's not even two. But to be able to go without extra diapers and wipes will be awesome. I ordered a travel potty, for while he is new to the potty thing, and 10 extra liners. I also ordered toilet seat covers for when we have no choice but to use a public bathroom. It's not the germs that concern me so much as the falling in. Because he is so small, I will have to hold him. I think the liners (which stick on the seat) will help make him feel at ease. It's my hope anyway.

I am excited for another reason too. I think we (Pat and I) had really good timing this month to possibly get pregnant this month. I tell myself that I will not be upset if it doesn't happen this month, but I know myself way better than that. I will be upset. But, I should know either way in two weeks. As usual, the "2 week window" will be long. At least I have things to look forward to that will help pass the time. Potty training Nathaniel, going to the zoo, going to the museum, Nathaniel's birthday party (technically after the 2ww, but I have to get stuff ready.)

So, that's where I stand today. I little happy, a little sad, a little excited and completely crazy. I guess it's all normal after all.