So simple, but...

It's such a simple concept. but so very hard to master. Portion control.

But I'm getting there.

Now, it's not for lack of trying before, When I tried before it always ended in failure. I was hungry. And then I got mean. And then I got ugly. But there was always more food so it didn't matter. I could go have more.

And I did. Always. After filling my plate and gulping down my food, I wanted more. Didn't matter that my stomach was already over full and I was bloated. Didn't matter that I physically hurt from eating more. There was more food available and I wanted it. First world problem if ever, right?

And then I grew up and became a mom. I swore that I would take care of myself, for the sake of my kids. But there was still food available. And I wanted it. It didn't matter to me that I am diabetic. That my clothes didn't fit. That my kids would probably get made fun of because their mom is so fat. That I was slowly committing suicide by food. It was there and I wanted it.

And then I left my job, and stopped collecting a paycheck. Suddenly, a scary thought came to me. What if there isn't always more food? And even worse, what if there wasn't enough to feed my kids?

And portion controlling is becoming my way of life. I'm not sad about this. I'm actually happy. I make a lot of casseroles now. But there's so much in a pan. Old me would've left it on the table and picked at it all night long, consuming at least 3 servings, if not more. Now, I put some on my plate, serve the kids their dinner, and either put some on a plate for Pat (for later) or let him get his. When everyone is done eating (including seconds, I put way less on my plate now) I pack it up. It does not sit on the table.

Tonight, for example, was chicken spaghetti (from pinterest. It was only ok.) We ate about a third of the dish. The rest has already been packed into a dollar store tin with a lid and is cooling off before it goes into the freezer. So for the price of one dinner, we have two. I've done this with several casseroles and recipes I've made the past few weeks. It's something I am actually proud of.

So why am I telling you about this? Because in the last week I have lost 6 pounds. Now, when you have to lose a entire person, 6 pounds may seem like nothing. But to me, it's a pretty big fucking deal. I intend to make the most of this. It makes me want to do more. I am going to try to exercise now too. I wish I could just ride my bike, but without a trailer I can't. (What would I do with the kids?) I know that sounds like an excuse, but it's not. It's fact. But I'm going to try.

Because soon I want to type that I've lost 60 pounds, not just 6. It may take a while, but dammit, I've lost 6 pounds!