I am not one who usually jumps headfirst into things without weighing each pro and con, so when I have a big decision to make, it takes a while. I mean, I start planning my kids; birthday parties 6 months in advance and make lists upon lists of things that I could do, so I can have a plan in place. It gives me a sense of security.
Getting married? No brainer. That was an easy decision.
Having children? Took us months to decide whether to have a second one.
Deciding on a house? We looked at over 50.
So my latest decision has had me stumped for months. I have honestly been working on this since December. Do I stay in teaching or try something new?
I weighed the pros such as my time off with my kids, decent pay, great insurance. I weighed the cons, such as ever increasing demands, depression related to work, migraines, more administrative bullshit than I care to deal with, and so on. And I came to a decision.
I. AM. DONE. Yes, it will be hard to work year round, but I think that's a case of ignorance would have been bliss. I mean millions of women work year round and their children still love them and they get things done. Why shouldn't I be able to as well?
I thought of what I'd be taking away from my children- all that time with them. But I think that giving them a happier mom who is under less stress would be just as, if not more, beneficial to them.
So I told my first colleague today that I'm not coming back. She tried to talk me out of it, but all I could do was cry. I don't want to be there. I don't want to deal with any of the crap that we deal with. I have lost my passion for teaching and that's dangerous. A teacher who is just collecting a check isn't doing society any good. I don't want to be that, but I feel myself inching closer and closer to that.
I am terrified too. I don't know what I'll do. I know I have 4 months to find something, and that's a luxury not many are afforded. And I do know that any other job in the world is going to have administrative bullshit and a whole list of cons.
But I have to try. All I've ever done is teach. My first class was in 1994. Yes, I count the years I spent teaching preschool. Nearly 20 years of experience, and I despise it so much that I'm willing to walk away from it all. My books that I've spent thousands of dollars on. My posters. My summers. My pension.
And I don't care.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Losing It
I went to Target to get a few things... Baby food, a rain coat for each of the kids, spring/summer jammies for them, and a condelence card. While I was in the card section, it hit me that I needed to get a card for my mom's wedding on Saturday.
I walked to the aisle that had the wedding cards in them and just started sobbing. Mom's getting married on Saturday. In three days, she won't have the same last name she's had since 1968. My dad's name.
Dad died after suffering through illnesses and invalidity on July 3, 2010, a few days after Nathaniel's first birthday. He's buried in a cemetary not too far from where mom works. And although in my head I know he's not there, I fear that he's alone. That he always will be alone. And that my mom will forget about him.
It's not that I'm not happy for my mom. I am. (Or try to be.) She deserves to be happy. I promised her that when Dad died, if she found someone else I would be happy for her. But I never expected that to actually happen, so it was an easy promise.
The man she is marrying makes her happy. She makes him happy. Everyone is so happy it makes me want to vomit. I put on my smile and try to be as welcoming as possible, but I find that I am having a harder time than I ever expected to.
There's nothing wrong with him, but little comments that he makes drive me crazy. Like "I get to become a father and grandfather all in one day." No, my dad is dead and my kids aren't your grandkids. Ever.
Pat and I talked about how this was making me feel, about how I feel like my dad will be alone forever. He said he felt the same way about his dad. I don't care about his dad. My dad bought 6 plots in the cemetary, to fill up with his wife and kids, I assume. His dad bought 4 plots so that he could have a monument erected. I know two people that can be buried there- his uncle and the cousin who will probably never marry. So one spot will go unused. Pat and I plan to be buried together, and he knows better than to plant me by his dad. That brings us around again to my dad being all alone.
I would never tell my mom the way I feel because I don't want to hurt her. But inside I am hurting so much.
I walked to the aisle that had the wedding cards in them and just started sobbing. Mom's getting married on Saturday. In three days, she won't have the same last name she's had since 1968. My dad's name.
Dad died after suffering through illnesses and invalidity on July 3, 2010, a few days after Nathaniel's first birthday. He's buried in a cemetary not too far from where mom works. And although in my head I know he's not there, I fear that he's alone. That he always will be alone. And that my mom will forget about him.
It's not that I'm not happy for my mom. I am. (Or try to be.) She deserves to be happy. I promised her that when Dad died, if she found someone else I would be happy for her. But I never expected that to actually happen, so it was an easy promise.
The man she is marrying makes her happy. She makes him happy. Everyone is so happy it makes me want to vomit. I put on my smile and try to be as welcoming as possible, but I find that I am having a harder time than I ever expected to.
There's nothing wrong with him, but little comments that he makes drive me crazy. Like "I get to become a father and grandfather all in one day." No, my dad is dead and my kids aren't your grandkids. Ever.
Pat and I talked about how this was making me feel, about how I feel like my dad will be alone forever. He said he felt the same way about his dad. I don't care about his dad. My dad bought 6 plots in the cemetary, to fill up with his wife and kids, I assume. His dad bought 4 plots so that he could have a monument erected. I know two people that can be buried there- his uncle and the cousin who will probably never marry. So one spot will go unused. Pat and I plan to be buried together, and he knows better than to plant me by his dad. That brings us around again to my dad being all alone.
I would never tell my mom the way I feel because I don't want to hurt her. But inside I am hurting so much.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
The Experiment Month Two
So, yeah. Just like the road to Hell, my meal planning was paved with good intentions. Towards the end of the month, we got our tax refund, and went out to eat a few times and bought other groceries. I didn't make the enchiladas I had planned, nor did I make a meatloaf, but I did manage to keep the monthly grocery budget to under $250.
In my humble opinion, that was pretty damn amazing!
So, we're doing it again. This time, I gave myself $200 for the month. I have done the grocery shopping and some of the prep work, and the freezer is full. (Oh, speaking of freezers, did I mention that my mom gave me one? I was telling her about how we planned to take some of the daycare money from the summer- when we don't pay for day care for Veronica- and buy one. She offered to give us her old one. Yay!!!! We picked it up the next week, let it sit for a few days, and plugged that sucker in. We're keeping it in the garage, but so happy to have it!)
Ok, so my prep work consisted of cutting up chicken to make oven fajitas and stir fry. I also take all the breasts and butterfly them to make them into two breasts. I put them all into Ziploc bags and label them with the date and what I intend to use them for. (Some meals I know I'll need more meat.)
I also did the shopping in a few trips this time. One day over spring break, I went to the expensive grocery store. I wanted to make some bread and needed yeast. Of course the cart had more stuff in it than just the yeast. But they had pork tenderloins on sale. And by sale I mean coupons attached because they were nearing their sell by date. I bought $42 worth of tenderloins for $24. They are each about a pound and a half, and I got 6 of them. We grilled one that night, but the other 5 are in the freezer.
On another unrelated trip to Target, they had ground beef on sale, so I picked up 4 packs. Those 4, plus the ones I have leftover from March, give me enough for all of April (going in to May). So for proteins, I just needed chicken. Oh, the chicken.
When I went to Aldi to do the main shopping today, the chicken didn't look very good, so I decided to get it when I went to the expensive store, since they usually have a decent price on chicken. (I knew I would have to go for things like foil pans and ricotta cheese.) SO I got all the pantry stuff and most of everything else at Aldi. Spent $75. Not bad! Went to the other store and found the Chicken. $5.99 a pound! What the fuck? Packs of 3 chicken breasts were 10 bucks. I was pissed. I found one that had a $4 coupon on it, and another one that was thin sliced breasts- perfect for the fajitas and stir fry- that also had a $4 coupon on it. But that was it. The equivalent of 6 breasts for $12. There was no way I could do that, but I needed to have some chicken for dinner.
Then, I looked in the fridge section in the middle of the meat department. They had the same damn chicken in a family pack for $1.99 a pound. THE SAME BONELESS, SKINLESS CHICKEN BREASTS, JUST $3/POUND CHEAPER!!!!!!!! I put back the one pack of three breasts and got 5 packs of the family size packs. There were 5 breasts in each. I did buy the pack of thin cut ones, since I was getting tired at that point. So I ended up (after butterflying the chicken breasts) 50 breasts for about $37. If I had bought them at the regular price with the three packs, it would have cost right around $80. That's just nucking futs.
So anyway, the shopping is done, the meals are prepped and we are eating great this month. Some of the meals are new again, and I will review each of them and give a link to the recipe. But up this month is a parmesan chicken bake, salsa chicken in the crockpot, apple and honey pork tenderloin, goulash, enchiladas, fajitas, mashed potato casserole, grilled Italian sausage (I like the turkey sausage here. I have a pack of hot and a pack of sweet, both of which had $3 coupons on them) and French Toast Roll-ups. I think I am looking forward to those the most.
OK, I guess then look for new posts this week about the recipes and other ramblings that come from my head.
In my humble opinion, that was pretty damn amazing!
So, we're doing it again. This time, I gave myself $200 for the month. I have done the grocery shopping and some of the prep work, and the freezer is full. (Oh, speaking of freezers, did I mention that my mom gave me one? I was telling her about how we planned to take some of the daycare money from the summer- when we don't pay for day care for Veronica- and buy one. She offered to give us her old one. Yay!!!! We picked it up the next week, let it sit for a few days, and plugged that sucker in. We're keeping it in the garage, but so happy to have it!)
Ok, so my prep work consisted of cutting up chicken to make oven fajitas and stir fry. I also take all the breasts and butterfly them to make them into two breasts. I put them all into Ziploc bags and label them with the date and what I intend to use them for. (Some meals I know I'll need more meat.)
I also did the shopping in a few trips this time. One day over spring break, I went to the expensive grocery store. I wanted to make some bread and needed yeast. Of course the cart had more stuff in it than just the yeast. But they had pork tenderloins on sale. And by sale I mean coupons attached because they were nearing their sell by date. I bought $42 worth of tenderloins for $24. They are each about a pound and a half, and I got 6 of them. We grilled one that night, but the other 5 are in the freezer.
On another unrelated trip to Target, they had ground beef on sale, so I picked up 4 packs. Those 4, plus the ones I have leftover from March, give me enough for all of April (going in to May). So for proteins, I just needed chicken. Oh, the chicken.
When I went to Aldi to do the main shopping today, the chicken didn't look very good, so I decided to get it when I went to the expensive store, since they usually have a decent price on chicken. (I knew I would have to go for things like foil pans and ricotta cheese.) SO I got all the pantry stuff and most of everything else at Aldi. Spent $75. Not bad! Went to the other store and found the Chicken. $5.99 a pound! What the fuck? Packs of 3 chicken breasts were 10 bucks. I was pissed. I found one that had a $4 coupon on it, and another one that was thin sliced breasts- perfect for the fajitas and stir fry- that also had a $4 coupon on it. But that was it. The equivalent of 6 breasts for $12. There was no way I could do that, but I needed to have some chicken for dinner.
Then, I looked in the fridge section in the middle of the meat department. They had the same damn chicken in a family pack for $1.99 a pound. THE SAME BONELESS, SKINLESS CHICKEN BREASTS, JUST $3/POUND CHEAPER!!!!!!!! I put back the one pack of three breasts and got 5 packs of the family size packs. There were 5 breasts in each. I did buy the pack of thin cut ones, since I was getting tired at that point. So I ended up (after butterflying the chicken breasts) 50 breasts for about $37. If I had bought them at the regular price with the three packs, it would have cost right around $80. That's just nucking futs.
So anyway, the shopping is done, the meals are prepped and we are eating great this month. Some of the meals are new again, and I will review each of them and give a link to the recipe. But up this month is a parmesan chicken bake, salsa chicken in the crockpot, apple and honey pork tenderloin, goulash, enchiladas, fajitas, mashed potato casserole, grilled Italian sausage (I like the turkey sausage here. I have a pack of hot and a pack of sweet, both of which had $3 coupons on them) and French Toast Roll-ups. I think I am looking forward to those the most.
OK, I guess then look for new posts this week about the recipes and other ramblings that come from my head.
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