So simple, but...

It's such a simple concept. but so very hard to master. Portion control.

But I'm getting there.

Now, it's not for lack of trying before, When I tried before it always ended in failure. I was hungry. And then I got mean. And then I got ugly. But there was always more food so it didn't matter. I could go have more.

And I did. Always. After filling my plate and gulping down my food, I wanted more. Didn't matter that my stomach was already over full and I was bloated. Didn't matter that I physically hurt from eating more. There was more food available and I wanted it. First world problem if ever, right?

And then I grew up and became a mom. I swore that I would take care of myself, for the sake of my kids. But there was still food available. And I wanted it. It didn't matter to me that I am diabetic. That my clothes didn't fit. That my kids would probably get made fun of because their mom is so fat. That I was slowly committing suicide by food. It was there and I wanted it.

And then I left my job, and stopped collecting a paycheck. Suddenly, a scary thought came to me. What if there isn't always more food? And even worse, what if there wasn't enough to feed my kids?

And portion controlling is becoming my way of life. I'm not sad about this. I'm actually happy. I make a lot of casseroles now. But there's so much in a pan. Old me would've left it on the table and picked at it all night long, consuming at least 3 servings, if not more. Now, I put some on my plate, serve the kids their dinner, and either put some on a plate for Pat (for later) or let him get his. When everyone is done eating (including seconds, I put way less on my plate now) I pack it up. It does not sit on the table.

Tonight, for example, was chicken spaghetti (from pinterest. It was only ok.) We ate about a third of the dish. The rest has already been packed into a dollar store tin with a lid and is cooling off before it goes into the freezer. So for the price of one dinner, we have two. I've done this with several casseroles and recipes I've made the past few weeks. It's something I am actually proud of.

So why am I telling you about this? Because in the last week I have lost 6 pounds. Now, when you have to lose a entire person, 6 pounds may seem like nothing. But to me, it's a pretty big fucking deal. I intend to make the most of this. It makes me want to do more. I am going to try to exercise now too. I wish I could just ride my bike, but without a trailer I can't. (What would I do with the kids?) I know that sounds like an excuse, but it's not. It's fact. But I'm going to try.

Because soon I want to type that I've lost 60 pounds, not just 6. It may take a while, but dammit, I've lost 6 pounds!

Learning

So, here we are. School started a week ago and I am not there. And I do not miss it. At. All. I enjoy being home with Veronica while Nathaniel is at school for a few hours a day. He is learning and I am learning. (And I hope Veronica is learning too!)

Today, for example, I am learning how to reuse scraps of food. We had carrots last night, and I've used onions this past week, so today I am making chicken stock. I also had some celery ends from when I ate celery over the weekend. All those go into a pot with two bone in chicken breasts and fill with water. Boil for a while and strain once through a colander and then a second time through cheese cloth. I freeze them in one cup bags so that when I need a cup of chicken broth, it's there. No chemicals, no msg, no preservatives, and no salt. But tons of flavor!!

I am also learning how to make jam and freeze veggies. I have been shopping the reduced for quick sale shelves lately. Am I embarrassed to admit that? Yes. Is that reality right now? Yes. (So I guess I'm learning humility too.) Anyway, last week I got 6 green peppers for $2, when they are usually $1 each. There was nothing wrong with them, they were just getting a smidge soft. I bought them, took them home and cut them into strips and put them in the freezer. I used some a few days ago in our oven baked fajitas (recipe on and they were delicious.

I have similar plans for carrots. I can get a two pound bag for a dollar, and carrots are the kids' favorite vegetable right now. Clean them and peel them, cut into coins and blanch. Drop into an ice bath and then package for freezing (keeping the ends for more stock, of course).

So I'm learning to live within my means. And for me, that means a lot of cutting back. I'd like to cancel our cable, which could save us some more money, and probably help me to play with my kids more. Maybe we'll revisit that when I clear up my minor health problems (eye scratches, conjunctivitis, and some other issues- it's been a brutal two weeks!!!) Speaking of which, I should probably go put my eye drops in. I've been on antibiotic drops for 3 days now for the left eye, after having done a week for the right. I said it had been rough!

But stay tuned to see what else I am learning how to do. Sometime this week, I am going to attempt to make English Muffins from scratch as well as from scratch biscuits that are similar to the kind that come from a can. (They can be frozen too, and baked from frozen.)

Oh, That Road to Hell

Well, it's Monday evening, and I said Monday morning. All those good intentions... But it was a rough night. Someone woke up at 3 am, wanting more snuggles (which I gladly give) but then wouldn't go back to sleep and kept getting up over and over and over until about 5:15 when he woke up his sister. And that was the start of my day. 3 am. So Veronica's sleep schedule was all fucked up (in fact, it's 5:30 pm and she's just now taking her second nap). Which means she ain't going to bed at 8. But dammit, I am.

Anyhow, let's start with today- Nathaniel's first day of preschool. Printed out a little sign that said "Today is my first day of preschool!!! August 19, 2012. I am 4 years old. My teacher is Ms. Melissa." It was so cute and I printed it out and told him that we were going to take pictures of him holding the sign. And then I realized. I typed 2012!!! Um, good morning! It's 2013. I should have just crawled back in bed at that point.

I managed to retype it and print it and get some really cute pictures. Then I took him and Veronica to Dunkin Donuts for munchkins for breakfast and then dropped him off. My eye was starting to kill me but since I was already out, I went to the grocery store. Still have to pick up the meat, but everything other than the meat cost just over $60 for the rest of August and all of September. I am really enjoying making my own stuff, but more on that later.

Get home and try to get V down for a nap. Not happening. Started laundry and then just sat down, exhausted. I pretty much was just beat by then and it was only 10 am. I finally got V down about 11 (she was fighting and overtired) and then called my sis to see how she was and before I knew it I had to leave to pick up Nathaniel. I get there, and wait in the line from hell. (I hope it was just because it was the first day and new parents didn't know what they were doing.) Finally I get him and ask him how his first day was.

"Kinda shitty. I had a string on my sock." was his response. What? I tried really hard not to laugh and asked him to tell me again how his day was.

He knew it was a word he shouldn't have said, so he changed it and said "Kinda chevy. Like the car." Boy oh boy, am I going to have my hands full with that kid!

So we went out for special lunch (chicken mcnuggets) and came home and have just been trying to get through the rest of the day. I have so much still going through my head. I want to tell you all about the many pinterest recipes I've made. I want to tell you about how I'm adjusting to being at home, and how I went through a patch of depression, and how I'm terrified now that the school year has started and I really am unemployed for the first time in 25 years. And how scared I am of not having health insurance and the fact that we can't afford it no matter what we do. And all the other things that float through my head about cleaning schedules, laundry schedules, making things from scratch and trying to justify it as healthier than store bought (which I'm sure it is, but I honestly think it's just filling a hole in my life), saving money and trying to save my sanity. And how I'm hoping and praying that I'm not just lazy.

But that will have to be another nap time. Because I need to get up and finish making dinner.

5 or so drafts waiting

I have sat down a million times to update my blog and my adventure into being a SAHM (Stay At Home Mom), but with that comes a few distractions. OK, a LOT of distractions. I have at least 5 drafts that are thoughts rolling around in my head and updates that will probably never make it to a post status. I think they'll be fine though. As in I'm going to try not to lose any sleep over them. I will try to update more often, as I am going to need some sort of outlet. But for now, here goes:

I enjoyed my summer with my kids. I truly did. But I also thought that I'd have found a job by now. I get depressed when I think about it, so I try not to, which doesn't do anything to solve the problem. I have a good amount of retirement saved up in the system, but I can't even apply for that until November (4 months after you stop paying into it you can ask for it.) So September, October and most of November will suck. Hard.

I've done a lot of planning and prepping. I have one more paycheck coming to me, and with that, I will finish my stocking up of food, to make sure that my kids eat every day, and eat well. I am still terrified that the decision I made will have more complex implications than I can realize. But I know I made the right decision. When I can get my retirement money, we will have enough to get us out of debt completely, other than the house and student loans. I hope and pray that the planning I've done will be enough. >BR>
I've been making a lot of homemade things, and the kids and husband have taken to them. Especially the bread. Making a lot of casseroles and then freezing half of it for another day. My most recent homemade was jam, both blueberry and strawberry. They are both great! Cost-wise, I don 't think they are comparable, as I can get a large jar pretty cheap, But the taste!!! OMG the taste! I made three of each kind and only used 2/3 c of sugar per recipe. The sweetness comes from the fruit itself, which was fairly inexpensive at the farmer's market. The kids love it too. Next I am going to make my own ketchup.

Now, the timer from the microwave is going off, telling me that dinner is done and therefore I am too. I have a million and ten more thoughts in my head. Hopefully I'll be back no later than Monday to continue the exodus of thoughts. And Nathaniel starts preschool Monday, so I will need an emotional outlet. HOw is he 4 already? I only blinked once!