Thursday, May 23, 2013

25 Hours From Now

I have about 25 hours left of my teaching career. I really can't wait to not be here or in any classroom for that matter. It's become really bad.

But even amongst the horror, there has always been some light. My colleauges. They are amazing people. They gave me flowers yesterday and a card. I knew I would cry when I read the card, so I waited until I got home to open it. Imagine my surprise when cash fell out. They had taken up a collection for me since I am leaving. They aer genuinely thoughtful people, and I think they are what's kept me going the last year. It surely hasn't been the students I had.

But I do have plans for next week, since both kids are going to day care. (I think after 19 years in education I deserve a week to myself, right?) I am going to spend one day doing some freezer cooking. I have about 18 recipes (and some of them are doubled) that can be assembled and then frozen to throw in the crock pot. I also intend to stock the pantry with a lot of non-perishables. I plan to spend close to $400.

Why? Becuase I'm terrified that my decision to leave and not have a job will mean that my kids will go hungry. If Pat and I don't eat dinner every night, we'll both be fine. (Perhaps even better off.) But I can't allow my kids to have that problem. And with them both eating table food now, and Nathaniel eating all three meals at home (he was having breakfast and lunch at school) I need to find ways to make sure they eat.

This summer, we'll be going to the farmer's market and stocking up on fruits- some to eat right away and some to freeze. Same with veggies. (Plus I found a "reduced to sell quick" section at one of the grocery stores last night that had great looking veggies for 50 cents a pound. That's a lot of green beans and zucchini! Bags of potatoes -that I can bake and freeze right away- for 99 cents.)

I think the fear of my kids going hungry is greater than the fear of being 39 with diabetes and no insurance. I should be able to pull out all of my retirement (minus the taxes and penalties, but you gotta do what you gotta do) and that should help us live for a while. Especially when we'll be saving over $1200 a month by not sending both kids to full time day care. Nathaniel will go to preschool 5 days a week, but it costs $360/month, as opposed to $220/week for day care for him and $180/week for Veronica. So that should help.

Pat keeps pushing me to apply for a teaching position in other districts, but I can't. I don't want to. I don't want to be near any children but my own for a looooong time. He just doesn't fucking get it. It hit me as to why when I was in the shower this morning. He's never held a job for 5 years, let alone 10. Nor has he been in the same industry for more than 5 years. I've been teaching for 19. That's got to be why he doesn't get it. And frankly, it pisses me the fuck off that he can quit his job and everything is supposed to be ok, but I quit mine and it's the end of the world. I secretly hate him for that.

But again, I digress. I've got my shopping lists made for next week and the kids' parties are planned. All I need to get for that is the food, which is really no big deal. And I have to print the invitations. I ordered everything from designers on Etsy this year, since it will be the first and only time they have separate themed parties. HIs is Mario Bros. and Veronica's is 1-der the Sea. OMG did her invites turn out cute!!! I serached for a long time befiore I settled on a design that I really liked. I hope to add pictures, but since it's still a month away, it will take some time.

So yeah, this turned out to not be about my 25 hours left, but about the hours, days, weeks and months afterwards. I am looking forward to the next chapter in my life. I just have to have faith that this was the right time and the right decision. Wish me luck!

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Cleaning Out My Desk

I am cleaning out my desk at work. Wow. I have a ton of useless shit in there. I found programs from 10 years ago. No, seriously, I did. It was from March 2003. It's been a long time coming.

ALthough I am terrified at what the furture brings (lack of insurance and income- EEK!) I am excited too. I have told my colleagues that I am leaving, and they are coming in two weeks to raid the place. I have thousands of dollars in books that are going to still be used, and that makes me happy.

But not as happy as the thought of never returning. I know people say "Never say never," but this is a never for me. There are 17 days left, and with the close of each day I thank God that I made it through and have one less to go. I get more and more excited as the end approaches.

And less and less depressed. And I'm not eating crap, either. Woot- woot!

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Coming to an End

I am not one who usually jumps headfirst into things without weighing each pro and con, so when I have a big decision to make, it takes a while. I mean, I start planning my kids; birthday parties 6 months in advance and make lists upon lists of things that I could do, so I can have a plan in place. It gives me a sense of security.

Getting married? No brainer. That was an easy decision.

Having children? Took us months to decide whether to have a second one.

Deciding on a house? We looked at over 50.

So my latest decision has had me stumped for months. I have honestly been working on this since December. Do I stay in teaching or try something new?

I weighed the pros such as my time off with my kids, decent pay, great insurance. I weighed the cons, such as ever increasing demands, depression related to work, migraines, more administrative bullshit than I care to deal with, and so on. And I came to a decision.

I. AM. DONE. Yes, it will be hard to work year round, but I think that's a case of ignorance would have been bliss. I mean millions of women work year round and their children still love them and they get things done. Why shouldn't I be able to as well? I thought of what I'd be taking away from my children- all that time with them. But I think that giving them a happier mom who is under less stress would be just as, if not more, beneficial to them.

So I told my first colleague today that I'm not coming back. She tried to talk me out of it, but all I could do was cry. I don't want to be there. I don't want to deal with any of the crap that we deal with. I have lost my passion for teaching and that's dangerous. A teacher who is just collecting a check isn't doing society any good. I don't want to be that, but I feel myself inching closer and closer to that.

I am terrified too. I don't know what I'll do. I know I have 4 months to find something, and that's a luxury not many are afforded. And I do know that any other job in the world is going to have administrative bullshit and a whole list of cons.

But I have to try. All I've ever done is teach. My first class was in 1994. Yes, I count the years I spent teaching preschool. Nearly 20 years of experience, and I despise it so much that I'm willing to walk away from it all. My books that I've spent thousands of dollars on. My posters. My summers. My pension.

And I don't care.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Losing It

I went to Target to get a few things... Baby food, a rain coat for each of the kids, spring/summer jammies for them, and a condelence card. While I was in the card section, it hit me that I needed to get a card for my mom's wedding on Saturday.

I walked to the aisle that had the wedding cards in them and just started sobbing. Mom's getting married on Saturday. In three days, she won't have the same last name she's had since 1968. My dad's name.

Dad died after suffering through illnesses and invalidity on July 3, 2010, a few days after Nathaniel's first birthday. He's buried in a cemetary not too far from where mom works. And although in my head I know he's not there, I fear that he's alone. That he always will be alone. And that my mom will forget about him.

It's not that I'm not happy for my mom. I am. (Or try to be.) She deserves to be happy. I promised her that when Dad died, if she found someone else I would be happy for her. But I never expected that to actually happen, so it was an easy promise.

The man she is marrying makes her happy. She makes him happy. Everyone is so happy it makes me want to vomit. I put on my smile and try to be as welcoming as possible, but I find that I am having a harder time than I ever expected to.

There's nothing wrong with him, but little comments that he makes drive me crazy. Like "I get to become a father and grandfather all in one day." No, my dad is dead and my kids aren't your grandkids. Ever.

Pat and I talked about how this was making me feel, about how I feel like my dad will be alone forever. He said he felt the same way about his dad. I don't care about his dad. My dad bought 6 plots in the cemetary, to fill up with his wife and kids, I assume. His dad bought 4 plots so that he could have a monument erected. I know two people that can be buried there- his uncle and the cousin who will probably never marry. So one spot will go unused. Pat and I plan to be buried together, and he knows better than to plant me by his dad. That brings us around again to my dad being all alone.

I would never tell my mom the way I feel because I don't want to hurt her. But inside I am hurting so much.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

The Experiment Month Two

So, yeah. Just like the road to Hell, my meal planning was paved with good intentions. Towards the end of the month, we got our tax refund, and went out to eat a few times and bought other groceries. I didn't make the enchiladas I had planned, nor did I make a meatloaf, but I did manage to keep the monthly grocery budget to under $250.

In my humble opinion, that was pretty damn amazing!

So, we're doing it again. This time, I gave myself $200 for the month. I have done the grocery shopping and some of the prep work, and the freezer is full. (Oh, speaking of freezers, did I mention that my mom gave me one? I was telling her about how we planned to take some of the daycare money from the summer- when we don't pay for day care for Veronica- and buy one. She offered to give us her old one. Yay!!!! We picked it up the next week, let it sit for a few days, and plugged that sucker in. We're keeping it in the garage, but so happy to have it!)

Ok, so my prep work consisted of cutting up chicken to make oven fajitas and stir fry. I also take all the breasts and butterfly them to make them into two breasts. I put them all into Ziploc bags and label them with the date and what I intend to use them for. (Some meals I know I'll need more meat.)

I also did the shopping in a few trips this time. One day over spring break, I went to the expensive grocery store. I wanted to make some bread and needed yeast. Of course the cart had more stuff in it than just the yeast. But they had pork tenderloins on sale. And by sale I mean coupons attached because they were nearing their sell by date. I bought $42 worth of tenderloins for $24. They are each about a pound and a half, and I got 6 of them. We grilled one that night, but the other 5 are in the freezer.

On another unrelated trip to Target, they had ground beef on sale, so I picked up 4 packs. Those 4, plus the ones I have leftover from March, give me enough for all of April (going in to May). So for proteins, I just needed chicken. Oh, the chicken.

When I went to Aldi to do the main shopping today, the chicken didn't look very good, so I decided to get it when I went to the expensive store, since they usually have a decent price on chicken. (I knew I would have to go for things like foil pans and ricotta cheese.) SO I got all the pantry stuff and most of everything else at Aldi. Spent $75. Not bad! Went to the other store and found the Chicken. $5.99 a pound! What the fuck? Packs of 3 chicken breasts were 10 bucks. I was pissed. I found one that had a $4 coupon on it, and another one that was thin sliced breasts- perfect for the fajitas and stir fry- that also had a $4 coupon on it. But that was it. The equivalent of 6 breasts for $12. There was no way I could do that, but I needed to have some chicken for dinner.

Then, I looked in the fridge section in the middle of the meat department. They had the same damn chicken in a family pack for $1.99 a pound. THE SAME BONELESS, SKINLESS CHICKEN BREASTS, JUST $3/POUND CHEAPER!!!!!!!! I put back the one pack of three breasts and got 5 packs of the family size packs. There were 5 breasts in each. I did buy the pack of thin cut ones, since I was getting tired at that point. So I ended up (after butterflying the chicken breasts) 50 breasts for about $37. If I had bought them at the regular price with the three packs, it would have cost right around $80. That's just nucking futs.

So anyway, the shopping is done, the meals are prepped and we are eating great this month. Some of the meals are new again, and I will review each of them and give a link to the recipe. But up this month is a parmesan chicken bake, salsa chicken in the crockpot, apple and honey pork tenderloin, goulash, enchiladas, fajitas, mashed potato casserole, grilled Italian sausage (I like the turkey sausage here. I have a pack of hot and a pack of sweet, both of which had $3 coupons on them) and French Toast Roll-ups. I think I am looking forward to those the most.

OK, I guess then look for new posts this week about the recipes and other ramblings that come from my head.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Screw ups and Oopsies

Ok, what have I made since last time? One pot spaghetti. I made it on Sunday and dear Lord, who do these people think they're feeding? I've had 7 meals out of this (breakfast sometimes and lunches, and 2 dinners) and there is still another 2 meals left over. It was easy to make. http://pinterest.com/pin/96686723222645310/

I also made crock pot cube steak. http://pinterest.com/pin/96686723222646376/ This will NOT be repeated in our house. The steaks all fell apart, so it made a chinky soup, basically. I made some elbow mac and dumped it in. That soaked up a lot of the liquid, and it tasted good enough to eat, but not something we'd eat again. In fact, Pat ate a plate of it and then opted for a bowl of cereal. He didn't like it. I didn't like it enough to eat it again, so we dumped it. I hate dumping food,. It is such a waste of time, money and resources, but if no one was going to eat it, then why keep it. Still, seeing that money thrown out was tough.

And speaking of things that didn't quite go as planned, I screwed up. I had taken my monthly calendar of meals to school with me, and left it there. I had no idea what I should be pulling out of the freezer for dinner tonight. But, since I had everything I need to cook anything on that menu, I grabbed the bag for oven fajitas. http://pinterest.com/pin/96686723222660713/

I had the foresight to chop the veggies and cut the chicken into strips before I froze it, so I just pulled the bag and put it in the fridge last night. This morning, I mixed the spices in a small container, so everything was ready to go. They turned out pretty good, and Nathaniel even ate some (without peppers or onions, of course). Veronica had her first firsthand experience with Mexican food because she tried a bit of the chicken. She kept grabbing for my plate after that first bite! The veggies were not as crisp as they are when you use a skillet or grill, but it had some good flavors.

Because I screwed up and took things out of order, tomorrow will be a regular pork stir fry with rice and Friday is Spaghetti and garlic bread. I think I have some more pinterest recipes coming up, and I will see how those turn out too. I did have to spend a little bit of money today, because I wanted some cheese for my fajitas, but other than that, we are still well below $200 for the month.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

The experiment continues

Tonight was beef and broccoli. http://pinterest.com/pin/96686723222620123/ I made this because it's what Pat gets every time we have Chinese food. Every. Time. I don't like it because often the meat doesn't taste done. So I thought, "Hmm. crock pot means long cooking time. Meat's got to be cooked enough even for me." I was right. It was good.

The first few bites tasted just like a pot roast. I was disappointed. But, the more I mixed it up with the rice, the better it tasted. I couldn't get it to finish in the crock pot though, so I have another dirty pot, but that's ok. My broccoli also turned out mushy, but let's be honest, broccoli doesn't taste all that great anyway.

I used to love broccoli, so don't start the hate just yet. But I've had a hard time eating it since I was about 8 weeks pregnant with Nathaniel. It was my one true food aversion. Before then, Pat and I were eating broccli three nights a week. (Keep your stinky fart smell jokes to yourself!) Being pregnant with that kid ruined broccoli for me to the point where I still have a hard time eating it (except for broccoli cheese soup, but really, how much is in there?) Now that Nathaniel is getting close to 4, I have just begun to be able to eat it again. I've had it roasted in the oven (which is awesome if you've never tried it- olive oil, garlic powder, onion powder, salt and pepper at 400 for 30 minutes or so) and I've had it tonight. As I said, it was mushy, but still discernible as brocoli.

The recipe I used called for beef consumme, but that stuff's expensive so after reading the comments on the original recipe, I just used beef broth and a package of onion soup mix. I also added an onion to the crock pot, because the CHinese place has them in their beef and broccoli. I also cooked the rice in beef broth, instead of water, to give it added flavor. (If you don't do this, you really should. It's great and you've already got it in the house if you made the B&B this way. I use chicken stock when I make rice for stir fry.)

Anyway, as I said, it turned out good. I will definitely be making it again. Tomorrow is just tomato soup and grilled cheese, since half our house is Catholic- no meat on Fridays.

One thing I remembered that I wanted to add- I spent another $12 on groceries, since I didn't have enough cheddar cheese, and wanted to make cake cookies- http://pinterest.com/pin/96686723222533220/ - for school. I also picked up some snacks for Nathaniel, since we really had none in the house. He loves swiss cake rolls. He calls them "cakey things." How can you resist that? My total is still under $170 for the month though, not including milk. Not too shabby.

PS- I ate bubble up pizza for breakfast and lunch today, and still have enough for lunch tomorrow. That would be 6 servings for about $8.00 worth of ingredients.