29 and 86 are done!

So, I have completed 2 more things on my 101 things to do in 1,001 days (aka day zero project). I did number 29, which was send myself flowers at work. I sent myself a Mother's Day bouquet from Nathaniel. I figure, Pat won't remember to, and I buy all the presents to and from people anyway, so I might as well take care of myself. I will post a picture when I get them.

I also completed number 86, fly a kite. Pat and I took Nathaniel to the school's field and we flew his turtle kite. (He got it from the Easter Bunny in his basket.) Well, Nathaniel ran around the field yelling "Turtle! Turtle!" I wish I had taken my camera. I had thought to go and get it, but I wanted to see how Nathaniel would do holding it on his own. I put the spool into his hands and he did great... for about 3 seconds. Then he opened his hand.

Let's just say that our neighbors down the street now have a turtle in their tree. It must have been quite the picture though. Me running after a turtle that was climbing higher and higher into the sky, with a little boy running behind me yelling "Turtle!" I can only imagine what that looked like to the neighbors we met whilst running after it. But, at least we met some more of our neighbors (and one is of babysitting age and took a babysitting class!)

And on a completely unrelated note, I ordered Nathaniel's birthday present. I went with the little tikes outdoor climber and rock wall. He will have a blast!

Getting the Band Back Together

OK, well I've been off work for a week now (really? Is that all it's been?) and I've enjoyed every mooment of it... even when I had no idea what day it was or when we went out to dinner the same day we went out for breakfast- oops!

But, being off always throws my best of intentions out the window. I have not been eating well since Sunday and I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I know that I have to get myself and my shit back together and back to Atkins. I know that I am stronger than I think I am. I want so badly to succeed, and I know that I can. I just have to cut the shit and do it. I went grocery shopping today so that I can be successful. I know there are breakfast, lunch, and dinner items in the fridge and freezer (not to mention snacks), so there are no more excuses.

I have made a list of rewards that I will give myself. For making it 3 weeks through the induction part, I get a new pair of sandals. For making it 2 weeks after that, I get a mani-pedi. For going 3 more weeks (which would make it just about 2 months) I get a massage. I scheduled one for Pat for tomorrow, so seeing how much he'll like it will definitely motivate me. Plus, that should work ot to be the week before Nathaniel's birthday, so it will be perfect timing stress wise.

Please note that none of my rewards are based on weight loss, just on time and commitment. I think that rewarding myself this way will be a great experience for me, since I had always tried to plan rewards around the amount I lost. When I never got to that particular weight loss, (even if I had done my best) I would give up. Since this will be measuring time, which MUST pass us by, I can treat myself.

Outside Time

I think I may have found a Birthday present for Nathaniel. I would really like to get him a climber for playing outside. He just looks so bored when we play outside. I mean, he loves being outside, but I don't know what games to play with him. We do bubbles, play baseball, and of course run. He loves going to the playground, but I know that there will be days this summer that will just be too hot to spend that much time outside. (Walking down there, playing and then walking back.)

We have that space in the back behind the garage, so I know it will fit in there. I guess I just have to decide on which one to get.

Panda Climber | Outdoor Play | by Step2

Walmart.com: Little Tikes Endless Adventures Rock Climber & Slide: Outdoor Play

If you read my blog, please click on the links and let me know which one you like better and why. I greatly appreciate the help!

I Caved

Yeah, I suck. I lost the battle. Crackers, mashed potatoes, and the most delicious lemon pudding cheesecake.

But, today is a new day, and I can start over. I made it 2 weeks before I lost it to carbs and I can do it again. I haven't gotten on the scale to see the actual damage I've done, (mainly because I feel bad enough) but I will later. Damn Easter dinner.

On a positive note, I don't have any more holidays coming up for 2 months. Nothing until Nathaniel's birthday, so that's 2 months more that I can get under my belt. After that, there's nothing until Thanksgiving (which I will not be hosting unless I have to.)

I had a great Easter though. My sister and her family came over, as did my mom, my in-laws and Pat's uncle. Small enough to not be overwhelming, but large enough for everyone to have a good time. We even had an Easter egg hunt for the kids (although my sister's kids are probably too old for that by now. They were great helping Nathaniel find eggs and I think they like what I put in the eggs.) Forgot to bring out the bubbles, but we can play with those when we have Nathaniel's birthday party.

I can't believe that in two short months, my baby will be 2 years old. Where has the time gone? I just start crying when I think about it. Not sad crying, but nostalgic crying. I am so proud of everything that he accomplishes. I don't think that someome could ever understand that swelling of pride.

I think it goes back to those old journals and never feeling like I could ever do anything good enough. My Nathaniel (I hope) will never have those feelings because everything he does is good. He is such a good boy, and a stinker, and a genius rolled in to one remarkable little boy. I am truly blessed.

Easter is Coming

And I know that my mom will bring a ton of candy to my house. I am hoping that I will not be powerless and will overcome the desire to destroy it all (by eating it). She always buys what everyone likes. It's wonderful that she does that, but I don't want the candy. No, that's not true. I want the candy, I just don't want the side effects (higher blood sugar, fat, etc.).

On a happier Easter note, I will be watching The Ten Commandments Saturday night. And, my Nathaniel and I will be going on an egg hunt Saturday at church. Should be fun.

The Past Will Soon be History!

Yes, I know how it sounds, but it's true! After more searching in the basement, I found them... my old journals. I am so ready to get rid of them, and complete another goal. Tomorrow is garbage day, but that doesn't seem like enough of a finale to me. Pat and I will be taking them to a friend's shop and throw them in the incinerator. Let that bullshit burn. A better ending could not have been imagined.

I spent the better part of the day reading through them one last time. Some things were great to read about and revisit.

I read about what my weight was when I graduated from high school 19 years ago (and it's only 12 less than what I am now.-- Is that good or bad?)

I read about the day that a friend decided that she wanted to date a guy in one of our classes. (17 years later, they got married!)

I read about what I had dubbed "The Blake Years."

I read about the first time I had sex (and what a disappointment it was!).

I read about the beginnings of my relationship with Pat, and how he had made me mad and how I had written "That's what I get for dating a 20 year old!" I guess our age difference was really on my mind that day!

I read about the first holiday I spent with his family, and how it was a polar opposite of what our holidays were like.

But, then I read further. I read about 20 years of self loathing.

20 years of never being good enough.

20 years of wondering why God was punishing me.

20 years of thinking that no one would ever love me because I am so fat and disgusting.

20 years of struggling with my weight.

20 years of living in my perfect sisters' shadows.

20 years of never feeling wanted or loved by my family. (Can you even imagine what that is like? The one group of people who should love you unconditionally and you never feel like you belong there?)

After reading them I came up with a few consistent themes: I will never be good enough. My family will never accept me for who I am. And I have always struggled with my weight.

Yeah, just dumping this toxic waste into the garbage is not enough. This shit must burn.

I Love Math

Math gives you so many ways to say the same thing. For example, you could say 1/5.

You could say 10/50.

You could even say 20%.

Or, you could say 10 pounds.

That's how much weight I've lost this week on Atkins. And since my goal (on the day zero project) is to lose 50, I have completed 20% of this goal. I can't even begin to explain how excited I am or how proud of myself I am. I never thought that I could be this successful. I know that my weight loss will slow down, but you'vce got to admit, that's a hell of a kick start!