Christmas Music (and Being Sappy)

So it's no surprise to anyone that knows me- I love Christmas. The sighs, the sounds, the food, the happiness (usually). I love to be generous whenever I can at Christmas. I always give too much. I just can't help myself!

But this year is different. Well, actually, this year is a lot like Christmas three years ago, when I was pregnant with Nathaniel. But I am getting off track here.

I was on my way home from the doctor's office today, with Nathaniel in the car with me. I was listening to 93.9 on the radio. They had some beraking news to report... not in and of itself something to remember, and given that it was 5 pm, it was newstime. And then they said it. They were switching on "the Christmas Lite!" I was so excited that I got to hear it.

Then I listened to what the first song was. My song for Christmas. When I was pregnant with Nathaniel, every time I heard "All I Want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey (of whom I am NOT a fan) I would sing that all I wanted for Christmas was you (him) to be healthy. And he was born healthy and still is healthy and I am blessed.

For the past week, they have been playing some Christmas music here and there, but I've only heard three songs. Holly Jolly Christmas, Michael Buble's version of All I want for Christmas, and Mariah Carey's. Now, Holly Jolly means nothing to me, but when I was on my way to the doctors office I was scared and asked for a sign. I heard the song. I sang it to my tummy.

And today, on my way home from the doctor (after switching to insulin because it's the best thing and the safest for the baby) I got to hear it again. And I sang it to Nathaniel and my tummy. The simple pleasure in that moment made me cry so hard I nearly had to pull over. I couldn't see through the tears.

I know that people who read this will think I am an idiot, or at the very least a sap, but I have to say that God is always making appearances. We just have to be open to seeing (hearing) the signs of his love, guidance, and reassurance.

Oops, Sorry Everyone

It was pointed out to me that I never revealed the results of my blood test from last week. My bad. Yes, it is confirmed that I am indeed pregnant. My beta levels were exactly where they shoul be for how far along I am. I go back on Friday to have another blood test done (oh, yay- insert eyeroll here) to make sure that they are going in the right direction.

Believe me, they are.

Doctor Appointment Today

So, today's the day. I go see the doc and get switched to insulin for the next 9 months. Is it wrong to be excited about that? On the one hand, I know that this will be so much better for my sugar control. I will be able to "dial a dose" and inject myself and know that what I am eating is going to be ok.

On the other hand, I am worried that I will use it as a lisence to eat crap. Just take a little more insulin and french fries be damned! (and I had some fries last night and they were sooooo good!!!!- but I didn't eat the whole bag. Yay for me.)

I will be taking Nathaniel with me, which isn't going to be fun, but it's what I have to do. He will play with his trains on the table and drive me crazy I'm sure, but what other choice is there? I have no one to rely on.

It really worries me for when I have to start going to the doctor more often. What am I going to do then?

But one day at a time. Today I am going to the doctor and switch to insulin. That's all I can handle right now.

Still Hanging On

I want to barf!!

I want to sleep!!

My pants are not fitting comfortably!!

I couldn't be happier!!!

I go to the doctor tomorrow and then again on Friday (two different doctors), and although I am not looking forward to all those copays, I know it will be worth it. Now, if I could just get comfy and be awake!

So Doggone Tired!

I am so ready for bed, and can't convince Nathaniel that it's time for bed. I know it's not quite 7:30, but come on. It's been dark for two hours already.

I know that I could get him into bed and turn on an hour long episode of Mickey Mouse, but what kind of mom does that make me?

I go back to the doctor for another check up/ blood draw on Friday. Even though it's Veteran's day, and I am not working, I think I will take Nathaniel to school for the day. I want to get some sleep and I'd like spend some time with Pat.

I get to talk to him every day, but I didn't get to see him today. He'll be home about 4 am, and it makes me sad. I miss him so much, and I really try to recognize the sacrifice that he is making by being away. It's really hard for me to do that though, as I never get a second to myself anymore. And, I'm really effing tired.

How Do I Continue to Believe?

How can I go on? "Because you have to" isn't an answer for me today. Fuck "have to." And fuck the people that say it.

I took several pregnancy tests this week, but when I went to the doctor, my test was negative. I was told to go home and wait to miscarry. The nurses did take blood, to do a beta draw, but I won't get those results until Monday. In the meantime...

How do I have hope? It implies that there is still some "positive" in me. The same goes for believing.

I try so hard to be positive, but I can't right now. A friend of mine led me to a misdiagnosed miscarriage website, which I have found to be helpful. They are stories of women who have been told they were going to miscarry. Some of them did, but most of them went on to have a healthy pregnancy. All I know is that I will not be having a D&C any time soon. I will refuse it until I can't refuse it anymore, in hopes of seeing a heartbeat. Now, if I lose it naturally, then there's nothing that can be done.

Somehow I will go on. But I will always feel more broken than mended, no matter what else happens in my life. 3 strikes and you're out, right? I can't ride this emotional roller coaster any more and won't ever do it again.

Not Again!!!!

I feel like I have to put this out there, even though I hadn't planned on doing this for quite a while. I don't know why God has decided that this is the path for my life, but it is beginning to make me question everything.

You see, very late Monday night, I took a pregnancy test. Although the second line was faint, it was there. I am pregnant!!! I was over the moon thrilled about it. Pat was less than thrilled, but supportive and happy. I took another test Tuesday morning, and it looked like the line was a little fainter. But it was still there.

Today, Wednesday, I took a digital to confirm that I am pregnant. It said "Not Pregnant."

I am just destroyed. Although I haven't gotten my period yet (which means there's a tiny chance of hope) I just can't bring myself around to believe that this time will be different. I am crushed. I am mad. I am really fucking pissed off. I am hoping I am wrong.

So if you read this, please say a prayer for me. I know I ask this a lot, but this was my last chance...