So simple, but...

It's such a simple concept. but so very hard to master. Portion control.

But I'm getting there.

Now, it's not for lack of trying before, When I tried before it always ended in failure. I was hungry. And then I got mean. And then I got ugly. But there was always more food so it didn't matter. I could go have more.

And I did. Always. After filling my plate and gulping down my food, I wanted more. Didn't matter that my stomach was already over full and I was bloated. Didn't matter that I physically hurt from eating more. There was more food available and I wanted it. First world problem if ever, right?

And then I grew up and became a mom. I swore that I would take care of myself, for the sake of my kids. But there was still food available. And I wanted it. It didn't matter to me that I am diabetic. That my clothes didn't fit. That my kids would probably get made fun of because their mom is so fat. That I was slowly committing suicide by food. It was there and I wanted it.

And then I left my job, and stopped collecting a paycheck. Suddenly, a scary thought came to me. What if there isn't always more food? And even worse, what if there wasn't enough to feed my kids?

And portion controlling is becoming my way of life. I'm not sad about this. I'm actually happy. I make a lot of casseroles now. But there's so much in a pan. Old me would've left it on the table and picked at it all night long, consuming at least 3 servings, if not more. Now, I put some on my plate, serve the kids their dinner, and either put some on a plate for Pat (for later) or let him get his. When everyone is done eating (including seconds, I put way less on my plate now) I pack it up. It does not sit on the table.

Tonight, for example, was chicken spaghetti (from pinterest. It was only ok.) We ate about a third of the dish. The rest has already been packed into a dollar store tin with a lid and is cooling off before it goes into the freezer. So for the price of one dinner, we have two. I've done this with several casseroles and recipes I've made the past few weeks. It's something I am actually proud of.

So why am I telling you about this? Because in the last week I have lost 6 pounds. Now, when you have to lose a entire person, 6 pounds may seem like nothing. But to me, it's a pretty big fucking deal. I intend to make the most of this. It makes me want to do more. I am going to try to exercise now too. I wish I could just ride my bike, but without a trailer I can't. (What would I do with the kids?) I know that sounds like an excuse, but it's not. It's fact. But I'm going to try.

Because soon I want to type that I've lost 60 pounds, not just 6. It may take a while, but dammit, I've lost 6 pounds!

Learning

So, here we are. School started a week ago and I am not there. And I do not miss it. At. All. I enjoy being home with Veronica while Nathaniel is at school for a few hours a day. He is learning and I am learning. (And I hope Veronica is learning too!)

Today, for example, I am learning how to reuse scraps of food. We had carrots last night, and I've used onions this past week, so today I am making chicken stock. I also had some celery ends from when I ate celery over the weekend. All those go into a pot with two bone in chicken breasts and fill with water. Boil for a while and strain once through a colander and then a second time through cheese cloth. I freeze them in one cup bags so that when I need a cup of chicken broth, it's there. No chemicals, no msg, no preservatives, and no salt. But tons of flavor!!

I am also learning how to make jam and freeze veggies. I have been shopping the reduced for quick sale shelves lately. Am I embarrassed to admit that? Yes. Is that reality right now? Yes. (So I guess I'm learning humility too.) Anyway, last week I got 6 green peppers for $2, when they are usually $1 each. There was nothing wrong with them, they were just getting a smidge soft. I bought them, took them home and cut them into strips and put them in the freezer. I used some a few days ago in our oven baked fajitas (recipe on and they were delicious.

I have similar plans for carrots. I can get a two pound bag for a dollar, and carrots are the kids' favorite vegetable right now. Clean them and peel them, cut into coins and blanch. Drop into an ice bath and then package for freezing (keeping the ends for more stock, of course).

So I'm learning to live within my means. And for me, that means a lot of cutting back. I'd like to cancel our cable, which could save us some more money, and probably help me to play with my kids more. Maybe we'll revisit that when I clear up my minor health problems (eye scratches, conjunctivitis, and some other issues- it's been a brutal two weeks!!!) Speaking of which, I should probably go put my eye drops in. I've been on antibiotic drops for 3 days now for the left eye, after having done a week for the right. I said it had been rough!

But stay tuned to see what else I am learning how to do. Sometime this week, I am going to attempt to make English Muffins from scratch as well as from scratch biscuits that are similar to the kind that come from a can. (They can be frozen too, and baked from frozen.)

Oh, That Road to Hell

Well, it's Monday evening, and I said Monday morning. All those good intentions... But it was a rough night. Someone woke up at 3 am, wanting more snuggles (which I gladly give) but then wouldn't go back to sleep and kept getting up over and over and over until about 5:15 when he woke up his sister. And that was the start of my day. 3 am. So Veronica's sleep schedule was all fucked up (in fact, it's 5:30 pm and she's just now taking her second nap). Which means she ain't going to bed at 8. But dammit, I am.

Anyhow, let's start with today- Nathaniel's first day of preschool. Printed out a little sign that said "Today is my first day of preschool!!! August 19, 2012. I am 4 years old. My teacher is Ms. Melissa." It was so cute and I printed it out and told him that we were going to take pictures of him holding the sign. And then I realized. I typed 2012!!! Um, good morning! It's 2013. I should have just crawled back in bed at that point.

I managed to retype it and print it and get some really cute pictures. Then I took him and Veronica to Dunkin Donuts for munchkins for breakfast and then dropped him off. My eye was starting to kill me but since I was already out, I went to the grocery store. Still have to pick up the meat, but everything other than the meat cost just over $60 for the rest of August and all of September. I am really enjoying making my own stuff, but more on that later.

Get home and try to get V down for a nap. Not happening. Started laundry and then just sat down, exhausted. I pretty much was just beat by then and it was only 10 am. I finally got V down about 11 (she was fighting and overtired) and then called my sis to see how she was and before I knew it I had to leave to pick up Nathaniel. I get there, and wait in the line from hell. (I hope it was just because it was the first day and new parents didn't know what they were doing.) Finally I get him and ask him how his first day was.

"Kinda shitty. I had a string on my sock." was his response. What? I tried really hard not to laugh and asked him to tell me again how his day was.

He knew it was a word he shouldn't have said, so he changed it and said "Kinda chevy. Like the car." Boy oh boy, am I going to have my hands full with that kid!

So we went out for special lunch (chicken mcnuggets) and came home and have just been trying to get through the rest of the day. I have so much still going through my head. I want to tell you all about the many pinterest recipes I've made. I want to tell you about how I'm adjusting to being at home, and how I went through a patch of depression, and how I'm terrified now that the school year has started and I really am unemployed for the first time in 25 years. And how scared I am of not having health insurance and the fact that we can't afford it no matter what we do. And all the other things that float through my head about cleaning schedules, laundry schedules, making things from scratch and trying to justify it as healthier than store bought (which I'm sure it is, but I honestly think it's just filling a hole in my life), saving money and trying to save my sanity. And how I'm hoping and praying that I'm not just lazy.

But that will have to be another nap time. Because I need to get up and finish making dinner.

5 or so drafts waiting

I have sat down a million times to update my blog and my adventure into being a SAHM (Stay At Home Mom), but with that comes a few distractions. OK, a LOT of distractions. I have at least 5 drafts that are thoughts rolling around in my head and updates that will probably never make it to a post status. I think they'll be fine though. As in I'm going to try not to lose any sleep over them. I will try to update more often, as I am going to need some sort of outlet. But for now, here goes:

I enjoyed my summer with my kids. I truly did. But I also thought that I'd have found a job by now. I get depressed when I think about it, so I try not to, which doesn't do anything to solve the problem. I have a good amount of retirement saved up in the system, but I can't even apply for that until November (4 months after you stop paying into it you can ask for it.) So September, October and most of November will suck. Hard.

I've done a lot of planning and prepping. I have one more paycheck coming to me, and with that, I will finish my stocking up of food, to make sure that my kids eat every day, and eat well. I am still terrified that the decision I made will have more complex implications than I can realize. But I know I made the right decision. When I can get my retirement money, we will have enough to get us out of debt completely, other than the house and student loans. I hope and pray that the planning I've done will be enough. >BR>
I've been making a lot of homemade things, and the kids and husband have taken to them. Especially the bread. Making a lot of casseroles and then freezing half of it for another day. My most recent homemade was jam, both blueberry and strawberry. They are both great! Cost-wise, I don 't think they are comparable, as I can get a large jar pretty cheap, But the taste!!! OMG the taste! I made three of each kind and only used 2/3 c of sugar per recipe. The sweetness comes from the fruit itself, which was fairly inexpensive at the farmer's market. The kids love it too. Next I am going to make my own ketchup.

Now, the timer from the microwave is going off, telling me that dinner is done and therefore I am too. I have a million and ten more thoughts in my head. Hopefully I'll be back no later than Monday to continue the exodus of thoughts. And Nathaniel starts preschool Monday, so I will need an emotional outlet. HOw is he 4 already? I only blinked once!

Feeling Like Superwoman

So for the past few weeks, I have been putting together a list of crock pot meals that can be frozen. I was planning to take the Tuesday after Memorial Day to do a cook-a-thon and go shopping, put all these meals together and freeze them. I wanted to do it before I had both kids out of school for the summer. I made my grocery list, which ended up being two pages long. I was ready to go on Tuesday.

Like all my best laid plans, this didn't happen either... BUT, it actually worked out so well for me anyway. I had my list and my budget and took Nathaniel with me. We went to Aldi first. When we were done there, we went to Fairplay. FP was having a sale on bone in chicken. Anyone who knows me knows that I despise bone in chicken and God help me if there's skin on it, but I'm trying to save money. (And yes, already fried chicken with bones and skin is fine. I'll fuck that up easy!)

So my grocery list was: 30 chicken breasts, 6 pounds of stew meat, 2 lbs pork loin, 6 pounds of ground beef, 2 lbs ham, 8 chicken thighs, 1 lb drumsticks, and 2 lbs bone in chicken breasts. My veggies were a bag of onions, 4 pack multicolored peppers, 6 green peppers, 5 zucchini, 1 lb carrots, 1 bag baby carrots, 1 bag frozen corn. Fruit: 1 lime, 2 oranges. Canned goods were numerous. Box of chicken stock, box of beef broth, 10 4 ounce tomato sauce (Recipes called for 8 ounce cans, but they didn't have them. I subbed.) 2 cans of green chiles, 10 can diced tomatoes with chiles, 2 jars of minced garlic, 28 oz can of crushed tomatoes, 5 cans of cream of celery soup, 4 20 oz cans of pineapple chunks, 28 oz can of enchilada sauce, 1 can black beans, 4 6oz cans of tomato paste. Spices/misc were herb and garlic marinade, hoisin sauce, teriyaki sauce, 2 dry mix of onion soup, 2 taco seasoning packets, egg noodles, and a 24 oz jar of salsa.

So it was a lot to get. Plus I got 2 packs of strawberries, a bag of apples and oranges, a box of cocoa pebbles, 6 more packs of pork chops, 2 bags of potato chips, a large bag of shredded cheddar cheese, a large bag of shredded mozzarella cheese, 2 packs of hamburger buns, a pack of hot dogs buns, 5 noodles sides (Knorr kind, 3 rice sides (Knorr, again), two boxes of mac and cheese, diapers, a few packets of yeast (gonna make some bread and some pitas), a few boxes of Jiffy corn muffin mix, and a gallon of milk.

My car was stuffed to the gills! I had a few bags in Veronica's car seat even! Nathaniel told me I wasn't allowed to put anything there, But I needed the space. Now guess my grand total. Go ahead!!! I'll give you a minute. Do do do dooo, do do do. Do do do do do! Do do do do do. Do do do do do do do do. Ok, Enough Jeopardy. You get it.

My grand total was $207!!!!!! I am beyond thrilled! I bought all that stuff for so little. I had to process the stew meat recipes today, since they were on super clearance given that their sell by date is tomorrow. But I got a great deal on the other meat too. I made 12 pork chops (thin sliced) for dinner tonight and the 12 of them were $5. I already had the asparagus we had with it, and I used one of the noodle sides with it. So for $6 all 4 of us had dinner. You can't bet that! Plus we have pork chops left over for lunch tomorrow. (Pat and I are STUFFED!)

It's a good feeling.

Some of the recipes I am making are pesto chicken (shit, forgot to get pesto!), Mongolian beef, sloppy tamale pie, teriyaki chicken, ham and pineapples, a goulash type stew, beef tips and gravy, BBQ chicken (two different types), green chile pork stew, orange chicken, enchilada wraps (chicken), some twice baked potatoes to freeze, shredded chicken and homemade chicken stock, chicken caccitore, lime salsa chicken and beef stroganoff without mushrooms, thankyouverymuch. A lot of these recipes are doubled to make two bags for the freezer. I am looking forward to making these bags tomorrow, now that I have what I need.

I also plan on making my own baking mixes, brownie mixes, gravies and seasoning blends (like taco seasoning, Cajun seasoning, etc). We'll just have to wait and see how those turn out. I think I am going to really enjoy this summer!

25 Hours From Now

I have about 25 hours left of my teaching career. I really can't wait to not be here or in any classroom for that matter. It's become really bad.

But even amongst the horror, there has always been some light. My colleauges. They are amazing people. They gave me flowers yesterday and a card. I knew I would cry when I read the card, so I waited until I got home to open it. Imagine my surprise when cash fell out. They had taken up a collection for me since I am leaving. They aer genuinely thoughtful people, and I think they are what's kept me going the last year. It surely hasn't been the students I had.

But I do have plans for next week, since both kids are going to day care. (I think after 19 years in education I deserve a week to myself, right?) I am going to spend one day doing some freezer cooking. I have about 18 recipes (and some of them are doubled) that can be assembled and then frozen to throw in the crock pot. I also intend to stock the pantry with a lot of non-perishables. I plan to spend close to $400.

Why? Becuase I'm terrified that my decision to leave and not have a job will mean that my kids will go hungry. If Pat and I don't eat dinner every night, we'll both be fine. (Perhaps even better off.) But I can't allow my kids to have that problem. And with them both eating table food now, and Nathaniel eating all three meals at home (he was having breakfast and lunch at school) I need to find ways to make sure they eat.

This summer, we'll be going to the farmer's market and stocking up on fruits- some to eat right away and some to freeze. Same with veggies. (Plus I found a "reduced to sell quick" section at one of the grocery stores last night that had great looking veggies for 50 cents a pound. That's a lot of green beans and zucchini! Bags of potatoes -that I can bake and freeze right away- for 99 cents.)

I think the fear of my kids going hungry is greater than the fear of being 39 with diabetes and no insurance. I should be able to pull out all of my retirement (minus the taxes and penalties, but you gotta do what you gotta do) and that should help us live for a while. Especially when we'll be saving over $1200 a month by not sending both kids to full time day care. Nathaniel will go to preschool 5 days a week, but it costs $360/month, as opposed to $220/week for day care for him and $180/week for Veronica. So that should help.

Pat keeps pushing me to apply for a teaching position in other districts, but I can't. I don't want to. I don't want to be near any children but my own for a looooong time. He just doesn't fucking get it. It hit me as to why when I was in the shower this morning. He's never held a job for 5 years, let alone 10. Nor has he been in the same industry for more than 5 years. I've been teaching for 19. That's got to be why he doesn't get it. And frankly, it pisses me the fuck off that he can quit his job and everything is supposed to be ok, but I quit mine and it's the end of the world. I secretly hate him for that.

But again, I digress. I've got my shopping lists made for next week and the kids' parties are planned. All I need to get for that is the food, which is really no big deal. And I have to print the invitations. I ordered everything from designers on Etsy this year, since it will be the first and only time they have separate themed parties. HIs is Mario Bros. and Veronica's is 1-der the Sea. OMG did her invites turn out cute!!! I serached for a long time befiore I settled on a design that I really liked. I hope to add pictures, but since it's still a month away, it will take some time.

So yeah, this turned out to not be about my 25 hours left, but about the hours, days, weeks and months afterwards. I am looking forward to the next chapter in my life. I just have to have faith that this was the right time and the right decision. Wish me luck!

Cleaning Out My Desk

I am cleaning out my desk at work. Wow. I have a ton of useless shit in there. I found programs from 10 years ago. No, seriously, I did. It was from March 2003. It's been a long time coming.

ALthough I am terrified at what the furture brings (lack of insurance and income- EEK!) I am excited too. I have told my colleagues that I am leaving, and they are coming in two weeks to raid the place. I have thousands of dollars in books that are going to still be used, and that makes me happy.

But not as happy as the thought of never returning. I know people say "Never say never," but this is a never for me. There are 17 days left, and with the close of each day I thank God that I made it through and have one less to go. I get more and more excited as the end approaches.

And less and less depressed. And I'm not eating crap, either. Woot- woot!