The pool

I can't even begin to say how awesome this pool is. Nathaniel had such a good time!

Today (So Far) Has Been Great

I went shopping at Target this morning. I just wanted to get a few things... a new shirt or two for summer, some sunblock, and that was about it.

As will usually happen when I walk into Target, I walked out with a lot more than that. I got the coolest backyard pool for Nathaniel. (I will post a picture of it soon.) I also got a beach bag and a mathing cooler. I got a little tote, so we can go to concerts and movies on the green. The villiage here shows movies and does concerts a few Fridays during the summer, and Pat and I have talked about going to see them. I bought a 6 pack of wiffle balls for Nathaniel too, to replace the ones his cousins had too much fun with when they were visiting.

I am so ready for summer. Now, if only the weather would agree! I think it actually got foggier out when I was shopping. But, amazingly, even that's not getting me down today.

There was one little time when I did cry today. I was looking for Father's Day cards, and found one that would have been great for my dad. I might still go back and buy it, and just leave it at his headstone, but I had to walk away. I pulled myself back together and finished shopping.

Overall, I had a good time. Let the summer begin!!!!

Link to the pool: Banzai Play Puff Fish Spray Pool : Target

Feeling So Much Better!

After having had a few really trying days in a row, I am feeling so much better. I don't know what it was. Maybe because I ate food that I made. (Haven't done that in a while.) Maybe it was the water I drank. Maybe it was just because it was Saturday. Who cares?!?!?!? I am feeling better.

For dinner, I was going to make stuffed peppers. I went to the fridge to get the peppers and noticed that one had already turned bad. I threw all three of them out, and then thought "What am I going to make now?" It dawned on me that I had tri-color pepper strips in the freezer. I made the rice, ground beef, and mixed it all up with the pepper strips. Took it all and added the tomato soup and put it in a casserole dish. It looked a little dry, so I added a little tomato sauce to it and sprinkled parmesean cheese in it and on top of it, and baked it for about 30 minutes. It was so good!

I also made a pan of brownies for Pat and Nathaniel. He (Nathaniel) was so adamant about having another brownie when he finished the one I gave him. It amazes me how well he can put sentences together when he really wants something. Not that he doesn't speak well already, but he really articulates his needs when he wants something.

Earlier today, we were playing "Ring around the rosy." After I had fallen down he demanded that I get back up and do it again. I mean, he was pulling me by the shoulder and sayiong "get up, Mama. Do it again." And then when Pat joined in, he was really excited! He kept telling us we were funny.

It was the best day I've had in a long time. I hope that there are many more to come.

Having a Day

I don't know what is wrong with me. I am just so tired and no matter what I try, I just have no energy. I am depressed, too. Maybe that's why all I want to do is sleep. Maybe it's not that I have no energy, I just want to be in bed. I have no reason to be depressed. School ends on Thursday (3 days left!). I will be spending the summer with Nathaniel. Everyone in my family is reasonably healthy. I have a wonderful and supportive husband. What can I do?

I think about taking a walk, knowing that if I get up and move, I can release endorphins that will make me less unhappy. I know that moving will give me energy. I just don't WANT to.

I am not feeling as overwhelmed as I was earlier this week, so at least there is some positives in this all. And Pat is really trying to both understand and leave me to have some peace. I really appreciate that about him. I want to have some peace. I want to find my joy. I want to be happy, I just don't know how to get there.

Today is Friday (and I am weird)

I couldn't be happier about that (the Friday part).

My day started at 5:30 this morning when I woke up from a "Thelma and Louise" dream about my BFF Kris and I going to Vegas. Yes, we killed someone in my dream, but he was trying to sell us into sex slavery. He was a cab driver who looked a lot like my ex. Kris was in the front seat and I was in the back. We had been looking for a cab after we had swindled four ring side tickets out of some guy for the Mike Tyson fight. We were at Caeser's and tried very calmly to outrun the cops. But, the sidewalks were covered with snow and ice and we were having a hard time. So, we hailed a cab while we were running.

The cabbie pulled up and after we were in the car, he said that he had been looking for us because we looked like trouble. (and we do- or used to anyway) He tried to drug us and sell us. I was wearing one of my nightgowns and it has a robe with a tie. I took the tie off the robe and started winding it around my hands, to have a better grip. Meanwhile, the creep was feeling up my leg from the front seat and trying to drive at the same time. Kris could see what I was doing and she was relieved, since she was handcuffed to the seat. I put the tie around his neck (like I've seen in a million movies) and he started laughing. Kris managed to get herself out of the cuffs to grab the wheel. After a while, I was able to choke him to death and we threw him out while driving.

As we sped down the strip (which all of a sudden looked like Governor's Highway in Richton Park) we ran a red light. I told Kris not to stop because no one would believe why we had killed the guy. Of course, the one time you don't want a cop around... SO he tried to pull us over. We kept running. I ended up waking myself up since I really didn't want to see how it ended.

I've decided that due to all the stress, my body is telling me I need a vacation... just maybe not with Kris and definitely not to Vegas!

Just What I Needed

I am having a hard time lately. I just feel like I am so stressed that I am going to snap. I physically hurt from the stress of life. I can't sleep. I eat crap to give me energy (even though it really doesn't).

But today was just the breaking point. School was mostly okay, but I feel like there is just so much to do and I can't seem to get it done. The cold, crappy weather doesn't really help either.

I texted Pat to ask him if he would please give me a foot rub, since I am just bone tired and sore. He said he would when he got home, but he was at his dad's house. I thought about it for a while, and then asked him if he could take Nathaniel over there for a while. He met me at home, and took Nathaniel with him. I am now sitting in the quiet dark, in sweats and a sweater, and I can feel the tension actually leave my spine.

I am so grateful for my wonderful hubby. I don't know how I'd get through the end of this season without him. He's also going to pick up dinner. I love him so much! He gave me just what I needed... time for myself.

Can I Do It Again?

This may contain some TMI.

I sit here waiting for my cycle to begin again. This is the last one that we have to sit out, without trying to get pregnant. It should have started yesterday, but everything could still be off from the last miscarriage. (I'll wait three more days before I take a home test.)

But I am scared. I am scared of getting pregnant again and something going wrong. I don't know if I can cope with another miscarriage if that were to happen. I am also getting older, so I know that the chances of defects or chromosonal disorders increase every year.

I'd very much like to lose more weight before we try again. But, since I never seem to be able to do that, I don't want to say that we'll start trying again after I lose x amount of pounds, because then we never will try. And it will be all my fault. Being too heavy though, something could happen to the baby and that would be all my fault. Nathaniel's issues in the hospital... all my fault. His blood sugar wouldn't have been so low when he was born if I hadn't been diabetic and in need of insulin. What about his heart murmur? Heart troubles are directly related to diabetic moms. I know what his doctor told me... murmurs are VERY common and if anyone were to ever ask if he had heart problems, we could honestly tell them no. But does it stop me from blaming myself? Nope.

I did go for a good 30 minute walk today with Nathaniel. My goal is to do it every day this summer. Will it do me good? Yes. WIll I be able to keep up with it? Probably not. And that's what kills me.

When I was pregnant with Nathaniel, I walked every day. I found out I was pregnant on November 4th, the day Barack Obama won the election. I figured my world had changed more than his! (Pretty sure I was right.) Anyway, I started walking the very next day. I would walk 2 miles through our neighborhood, because I wanted him to be as healthy as possible. I remember one night in particular, I was going to walk tothe Subway to get a sandwich. It was so damn cold!! It was the end of December and I passed by the CVS. I went in there to buy a scarf, hat, and gloves, just so I could finish the walk to Subway. (Meatball sub with tons of spinach- for folic acid- green peppers and red onions. I still love the combo!) I knew what I needed to do and did it. So why can't I do that now?

I guess it all comes down to being scared. I am scared of failing. I am scared of success. I am scared of never feeling all those wonderful and dreadful things that I felt while pregnant before. I have got to get over my fears, so that life can go on.

So Unlike My Normal Self

Last night, Pat went out with some friends. Nathaniel stayed up late to meet some of his friends, and he was wonderful. Never got that "I'm way over-tired" attitude or meltdown. He went down around 9 (whis is super late and really uncommon). After he was asleep, which was nealry instantaneous, Pat and his friends went out. I started a load of laundry and a weird feeling started to crawl up my spine. I put the load in the wash and went back upstairs to check on Nathaniel. Everything was fine, but I was starting to freak out.

Now, I consider myself to be a reasonably level headed and educated person. I have read the bible (Ok, parts of it), and I know that a person predicting when the "rapture" would come is assinine, but I couldn't help it. I couldn't stop thinking about it. What would become of my son? Would he be saved? Would Pat or I? How would we go on without our son, or worse, how would we go on with him still here? All the suffering he would go through. The movie "The Mist" sprang to mind. (SPOILER ALERT FOR THE MOVIE) In the end, the main character kills his son to protect him from the mist and the creatures in it, only to find out minutes later that the government was coming to the rescue.

Could Pat or I do that, to save him?

I ended up having a full on anxiety attack. The last one I had (when I wasn't post-partum) was September 11, 2001. I just couldn't handle all my feelings and I was getting terrified.

I texted Pat and told him that I knew in my head that I was being stupid, but I needed him home because I was having massive anxiety issues. He came home about a half hour later. I was able to fall asleep for a few minutes while I waited for him, but as soon as I saw his face I started to cry. I was still so freaked out.

I tried so hard to fight the feelings that were overcoming my sanity. I tried for nearly 2 hours before I called him. Now I am wondering if I should bring this up to my doctor next time I go. I have been completely fine all day today, and was even able to joke about the rapture that wasn't. I wish I could just be a normal person, and not have these irrational episodes.

Thanks

I made it through the day. I had a lot of support from wonderful people. And of course, Nathaniel always makes me smile. He was so funny today, and really reminded me of what a blessing he really is. For example, he was playing with a lego ELmo in the car this morning. He starts saying "yucky." I asked him what was yucky and he said "Elmo. Booger." He had decided that his ELmo had a booger and he needed to blow his nose. I handed him a kleenex and he proceeded to wipe Elmo's whole head, not just his face. Then he said "all betty." (which is all better).

I am so proud of everything that he does. So, with my wonderful son and husband, I was able to make it through this day. I think it was just harder this year than previous years because of the loss in March.

It's Been 3 Years (may be graphic)

I hate May 20th.

Three years ago today, I had my first miscarriage. It was the most devestating day of my life. Now, I know that if I had given birth to this child, I would not have my Nathaniel. My head can do so many amazing things. But, my heart is still broken.

Tuesday, May 13th, 2008, I went to the doctor for a routine check up and found out that I was pregnant. I was pretty sure that I was, but wanted to confirm it with the doctors before saying anything to Pat. I kept hearing "Say What You Need to Say" by John Mayer every time I turned on the radio. Once at the doctor's office, I called Pat to come to the doctor's office and I told him. He was as shocked as I was, but we were thrilled. My due date would have been January 6, 2009.

I remember we went to Panda Express for dinner that night.

I remember how the next day we went to tell my family.

I remember the joy in my mom's face and the disappointment in my dad's. (He wouldn't even look at me, and God, did that hurt.)

I remember all the dreams that I had for this precious little child that I had running through my head.

I remember thinking that it was a good thing I had just bought an SUV, because I bought it with the thought that if I ever had children, I would need the space. (And since I had the Escort for 10 years, it was a pretty safe bet that I would have young kids with this car.)

I remember thinking about all the fun baby stuff I would get to buy.

Thursday, the 15th, I went to school and told a bunch of people. I was just too excited to not tell everyone. (I still do not regret that decision.) Thursday night with Pat was more planning and dreaming. (Even though he had just moved out of his dad's home, he was staying at my apartment some nights.)

But then, on Friday morning, I woke up with some spotting. When I got to school, people could tell something was bothering me. I told them what was going on, and others shared their (or their wives') experiences. Reassured, I was able to get through that day, but when it didn't stop by late afternoon, I went to the ER.

They did an ultrasound, and told me that if I were miscarrying, there was nothing that could be done, and sent me home. I went to the doctor again Saturday morning. She said that few women tested as early as I had (I was almost 7 weeks by then, and she has obviously never heard of thebump.com, where women routinely start peeing on sticks at 9 days after ovulation, but I pee early? Whatever.) She too told me that if it was a miscarraige, there was nothing that could be done.

The bleeding stopped Sunday, and was very light on Monday, but it was still there.

Tuesday, May 20th, I got dressed for work. I wore a pair of brown slacks that had some light pink striping through it and a sleeveless pink top. Pat had already left for work. I went to the bathroom one last time before leaving, and that's when I saw it. I was gushing bright red blood. I called work, hysterically crying, and told them that I was having an emergency and couldn't make it to work. Then I called Pat. He came rushing back and took me back to the ER. Again, there was nothing they could do.

They gave me a "hat" to pee in, and told me to collect the tissue so that it could be tested, if I wanted it to be. I didn't. So back home I went.

I spent the rest of the day in labor, passing large amounts of tissue and blood, watching as my dreams literally went down the toilet. At that point in time, I didn't know which was worse... the emotional pain or the physical pain.

I fully admit that I am a big baby when it comes to pain, but that was the worst pain of my life. Physically, it took 3 days of pain to get through the ordeal. Emotionally, well, as I said, it's been 3 years, and I am still heartbroken. My biggest supporter during this whole ordeal, by the way, was my dad. He called several times a day to see how I was doing. I will never forget that.

I threw out the clothes that I was wearing that day. I couldn't look at them. I still can't listen to that song. When it comes on the radio, I have to change the station.

But again, my head tells me that I have my Nathaniel, and I am very blessed to have him. I agree with my head. You can't argue the logic. I have the sweetest, most amazing boy in the whole world, and I wouldn't have had him if I had the one I lost.

If someone has never suffered a loss, they are the luckiest women in the world. Because once you've gone through it, nothing can ever be the same. Never will you have a "care-free" pregnancy. But, every day you go past the day that you had your loss is a small victory in your mind.

For three years, I kept my feelings bottled up inside me. Nearly every day, something reminds me of what might have been. But I am fortunate to have what I do, and I try to focus on that. But, at least 3 times a year, I mourn what might have been.

A Precious Gift

When my dad was dying, my mom kept asking me what of his I wanted. I already had a painting that he had done (as all my sisters do). But there was nothing other than the painting that I really wanted. I kept saying that I have all of my dad that I need in my mind and in my heart. (Some would add "in my temperament.")

I retell his stories to both Pat and Nathaniel. "Moosehead in the trunk" anyone? How about the time that he got beat for nearly blinding his aunt while pretending to be the Three Stooges. Pick two, pick two... The time he made Uncle Arnold eat the ink stamper. Pennsylvania Rabbit. The turtle lady on his paper route. I thought that I had all that I needed.

When my mom was packing up the house that they shared, she gave me her hope chest. In the middle of it is a big worn spot. My dad made that by sitting on it every day for over 30 years while he was getting ready for work.

Yes, I have plenty to remember him by.

When he died last summer (how is it that i's almost a year already?), my mom asked again. What do you want of dad's? What do you want of dad's?

I have memories, I would tell her. Counting his fingers in church and marveling at the fact that there were five on each hand which made it so easy to count to ten. Christmas Parades. The first time I remember him saying he was proud of me (December 12, 2002 when I graduated with Honors from Trinity.) When he walked me down the aisle at my wedding. (I had asked him what he preferred to do. He told me he would be so proud to walk me.)

So again I say I have plenty to remember him by. But, does Nathaniel?

On Tuesday, my Mom came over to go computer shopping with Pat. She had brought a gift for Nathaniel. Not uncommon, given that it's my mom. She gave it to Pat with instructions to show it to me when I came home from work. I guess Mom was really excited for me to see it. She called around 4:30. Pat, being Pat, had completely forgotten about it. While I was on the phone with her, he went and got a small brown pouch and handed it to me. I couldn't imagine what could be inside a bag like that.

I opened it up and out came my dad's gold watch. I never imagined that it could be that. I instantly thought of all the places Nathaniel could wear it. HIs HS graduation. College Graduation. Maybe his wedding.

I stammered many thank yous to my mom, since I was just so surprised. But what she told me next left me speechless. (Pat was not, and if you've seen Pulp Fiction, the part with Christopher Walken, you know what he was saying.) The last timme my dad wore that watch was on my wedding day. I like to think that he was very happy that day and happy for me.

Nathaniel will never remember how soft Dad's hands always were. He'll never remember how hard Dad could laugh. Nathaniel will never see that they have the exact same big toe (although we will tell him). Now, he can have a physical reminder that he had a Bumpa, who loved him very much, even though their time together was all too short.

Mother's Day

This is how we spent Mother's Day. THe thing was the biggest bitch to put together, and I swear I will never do anything like it again. But, Nathaniel will love it, and that's all that matters to me.

my flowers

I was so excited to get these at school today.



I'll write more about what's going on later, after Nathaniel goes to bed.

I like this song.

I've only heard it once, but I really liked it. It's called Dare You To Move by Switchfoot. Here's the lyrics (and hopefully the video).



Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existance
Everyone's here
Everyone's here

Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next?
What happens next?

(Chorus)
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself off up the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened, before...

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
The tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

(Chorus)
Yeah, I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself off up the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened...

Mabye redemption has stories to tell
Mabye forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here...

(Chorus)
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself, to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before...

HUGE Plans for This Weekend!

I am so excited! Nathaniel's climber has been delivered to the store. All we have to do is pick it up and put it together. I really hope that he likes it. I think I am more excited than he will be... at first, anyway. I can really picture him spending hours for the next few years climbing and jumping (much to my chagrin, I am sure) and just having a wonderful time with it.

It's going to take up nearly half of our backyard (which isn't ginormous to start with) but it will be so worth it. I know we shouldn't be giving him his birthday present yet, since his birthday is almost 3 months away, but I want to get every possible moment of joy with it that I can. I will post pictures of it once it's assembled, and more than likely, pics of Nathaniel playing on it. I think summer break just started for me!!! Yay!!

So Many Thoughts Running Around My Head

There has been so much going on in the last 24 hours, and I am doing my best to process it all. First, the news last night. My mom called me around 9:45 (Iron Chef America was still on but I was mostly asleep). She told me that Osama bin Laden had been killed. I couldn't figure out what was going on, since I was sleeping, but I got up and joined Pat in the living room to watch the President speak.

I waited. And waited. And waited. Finally President Obama came on to tell the world officially what had been done and the results of those efforts. I cried for a minute or two.

I don't know why I was crying. Was it because I think it's over? No, I don't think terrorism will ever be "over." Was it relief? I don't think that's it either. I think it was just me flashing back in my mind to nearly 10 years ago when I watched the plane fly into the second building. That morning will never fade from my brain.

I was getting ready for work, and dad was listening to the radio, as he always did. I heard the tv go on, and thought "Dad's really losing it. He's got the tv and radio on." I went in to ask him to turn one or the other off. He told me that a plane had flown into the WTC. At that time, no one knew why or what. I called my mom and she came in and then it happened. We sat there, dumbfounded, as the second plane flew into the building.

I knew in that moment that our world had changed forever.

As I drove to work that morning, terrified beyond what I could have imagined earlier that morning, I was talking to my BFF and we were discussing what had happened. Being in our mid-20's, we thought of our futures and what the future would bring. More terror? More bombings? Less safety?

I had night terrors for weeks after September 11th, and I would wake up screaming. I cannot (to this day) tolerate seeing any images of the towers- with or without the flames and smoke. I break down crying again.

Last night, after the President was done speaking to the world, I snuck into Nathaniel's room. I needed to hug and hold him close to me. I needed something pure and perfect. I needed him then more than he will ever need me. I picked up my beautiful son and whispered in his ear. I told him that I hope his world is a little more peaceful and safe.

Do I think it is? No. I fear retaliation for this act will come, and will come strong. I can only hope and pray, as many Americans will, that we can enter into a time of peace, a time of love, and a time of acceptance.

I hope and pray that what was done was really the best thing to have happened. As many parents feel, I don't care about what happens to me, I just hope that things are brighter and better for my child. I want him to live in a world that isn't affected by war and destruction on a daily basis.

Is there such a place? I tell you, my friends, there is. In that instant when I snuggled my son close to me in the night, a world exsisted in which there was nothing but peace, unending love, and the knowledge that everything I do is done with love and hope.

Let's hope that this can unite America as it once was, and that we can all start treating each other with a little more respect, love, and compassion. After all, everyone on this planet is someone's pure and perfect child.