The Happiest Day of My Life

Nathaniel is 2 years old today. Gone is that little baby. He has been replaced by the best little boy there ever was. A helpful and polite boy who speaks so well. He uses great sentence structure and counts to 11. I am so very proud of him and everything he does. This is his birth story, as written 2 years ago. (scary pictures in here, but no actual birth pics, don't worry!) This is long.

Our (long) birth story


I went to the hospital on Thursday, the 25th of June and did the bloodwork and pre-admission testing for the C-section, just in case he flipped back. On Friday, the 26th, I had my regualr appointment for NST and BPP. He passed both, which was unusual. Normally, he only passes the BPP. But, I left that doctor's appointment knowing that it was only 10 days until I got to meet him, and that he was doing really well inside.

On Saturday, the 27th, I had a normal day. I know that he was moving a lot all morning, and I was finishing up a few loads of laundry and just enjoying the day. But, as the day went on, I noticed that I hadn't felt him move. I tried all my usual tricks. I ate ice cream, played the seahorse on my belly, laid on each side, drank ice cold water. Nothing worked. I obvioulsy started to get worried. I jumped in the shower (which really was a necessity) and texted Pat the second I got out that I wanted him to come home because I wanted to go to the hospital. He was at work, but man, did he call back quick! He said that he was on his way. So, while I waited for him, I finished packing my bag, just in case they kept me, and went downstairs and sat in the car. I was crying by this point, worrying that I had waited too long. He got to the house and as he was trying to open the door, I yelled out the window that I was in the car already, and he practically jumped into the car and off we went. It was a very tense ride for both of us. As we got closer to the hospital, I thought I felt him move, but I wasn't sure. Pat was talking to him, telling him about the area that we were in was where he went to school. Instead of taking us an hour to get to the hospital, it took 35 minutes.

We got to the Emergency Room and I told the security guard that I hadn't felt the baby move in a few hours, and that I wanted to be checked out. He asked how many weeks I was and when I told him 38, he turned to the person in charge of the ER and said "We've got an OB." Pat and I cracked up a a little, because it was exactly what our childbirth educator said would happen. I filled out a few forms in a blur, and then was wheeled up to L&D. When we got there, I explained to the nurse that it had been hours since I felt the baby move, and that I was really worried, expecially because of the diabetes. (Higher stillbirth rates.) She hooked me up to the NST machine in the outpatient testing room. She found his heartbeat right away, and that started me off crying, nearly hysterically with relief. Then she asked me all kinds of questions (which we were told would happen) about my medical history and if there was any abuse in the house. After that was over, Pat was allowed to come in. When he heard the heartbeat, the relief on his face was visible. I cried some more. The nurse kept me on the machine for about an hour, telling me that he was moving and doing ok, but not as well as they woulod have liked, so I was sent for another BPP, but they had to wait for a tech to come in. It was Saturday night, after all.

So we went down for the BPP around 7:45, and he had great muscle tone, heartrate, and breathing. But he would not move. The tech tried jiggling my belly, cramming the wand through my crotch (or so it felt) and had me lay on both sides. He refused to move, so we got a 6 out of 8. (Mind you, the day before he had another perfect 8.) We were sent back upstairs, and hooked back up to the NST machine, while they called the doctor with the results. I had no idea who was on call that weekend, but I was praying it wasn't Dr. JP, since she wouldn't see me during the pregnancy. I was hoping however that it would be Dr. A. It wasn't. I was most comfortable with him, but at least Dr. CB, who was on call, had seen me a few times. So she said to admit me and the nurse did an internal, to see where I was starting from. As I suspected, it was high and tight and thick. Then we were taken to a room to get started. Panic set in immediately. I was going to be a mommy and soon! I was unhooked from the machine and walked down to our room (455). When I was hooked back up to the fetal monitor, we got a suprise. I was having contractions! Labor had started on its own when she checked my cervix. This was about 9:30 at night. We finished all the admitting paperwork, and then she called the doctor again, because the meds they wanted to use to induce me were designed to do exactly what my body was doing on it's own. Dr. CB decided that I should get the Cervadil anyway, and so we did. By this time my mom had come to the hospital, and Pat left to go get his bag, the camera and the computer. We didn't have time to get them before we left.

My contractions continued and started to come faster. OK, let me be honest, they hurt like the Blazes! I called Pat and asked him to please hurry, and that's when the nurse said that my contrax were 2 to 3 minutes apart. He hadn't made it home yet, and when I told him that, he said he'd be right there and hung up. I didn't have a chance to tell him that it could still be a while. All he knew was that he was not going to miss the birth. So I called him back and told him to get what he needed and to hurry after that. Things calmed down a little after that, but I was getting hungry. The only channel that came in well and that had anything interesting had to be the food network! It didn't help the hunger.

Pat got back to the hospital around 11:30, and I was tired and still in pain. My mom was still there, of course, as she was my secondary support person. I managed the pain as long as I could and then finally asked for something. It was around 1:30 am. Now, I don't know what they gave me, but if it was a street drug, I'd make a fortune!!! I swore that everything was made out of playdoh and blue icing! It was the coolest feeling ever! I finally fell asleep for a few hours. My mom left around 3:30 am, and Pat fell asleep in the daddy chair.

At 9:00 the next morning, the doctor was ready to start the pitocin. I was given it and then an epidural right after. Darn did that hurt! The four injections that you are given to numb it are worse than anything else! I was also most terrified of the epi. More than labor and delivery itself! But, after it was in, and Pat came back, I was able to get more rest. By now I was feeling nothing but tired hunger. By 9:30, my contrax must have really kicked up (not that I felt anything) because the nurse came in and said that Dr. CB was concerned that the baby wasn't handling the labor well. They said that they would continue to monitor him, to make sure that everything was ok. By 10:30, it became apparent that he was in distress. The nurses came in and told me that Dr. CB had decided we needed to do a C-section. I asked when they were planning on doing it, and the nurse replied that she was already on her way. I was a little scared that she was already on her way, but I left it all in God's hands and prayed for the doctor to have the knowledge and skils necesary to make sure the baby was ok.

I was wheeled into the OR at 11:00 and the anestethiologist (crap, I can't spell that word- the knock out dr.) poked me shoulders to make sure I was numb. When they were happy I was feeling nothing, they started. It was 11:08 am. Dr.CB thought that Pat was already in the room when she started, and when she realized that he wasn't she sent the nurse (he was around the corner). He came in while they were cutting, I know this only because they told me that they were cutting. I felt no pressure, no tugging, nothing while it was going on. At 11:20 am, Nathaniel Patrick G. was born to two parents who cried. We weighed 6 pounds, 6 ounces and was 17 1/2 inches long. He had a full head of hair that was more blonde than brown, and blue eyes. He also had my nose. I was out of surgery by noon, and back in the regular room by 1:30, and that was when I finally got to hold him. The picture is priceless.

So, that is our birth story of how my wonderfully perfect son came into the word, with a doctor that apologized for having to perform a C-section, and a mom who cared not about that, but about the safety and well being of her child.

In the OR with Daddy:


The first time I held him: (this is the scary one)

Not a Baby Any More

I found this post from I blog that I had when I was pregnant with Nathaniel. I was documenting everything so that I wouldn't forget. This was from June 26, 2009. I had been to the hospital the day before to fill out my admission papers and do my pre-surgery bloodwork. We had a C-section scheduled for July 6, 2009 becuase he was breech.

He's turned
Posted Friday, June 26, 2009 3:15 PM

We went for another BPP today and found out that Nathaniel has finally turned head down. I hope he stays that way for the next week and a half. On TUesday, I will tell Dr. A. and find out what he recommends. I don't want to do the C if we don't have to, but it's still a possibility due to all the other risks. I really just want to be done with the pregnancy. I was all set to have only 10 days left, and to be home in two weeks. Now, this might not happen. I know that a vaginal birth would be easier to recover from, but I really liked the idea of knowing. I am so glad that I didn't write his birthday in the announcements yet. (The actual reason was that I was hoping that he would turn.) Now, Pat and I have a decision to make on what we want to do. As I said before, I really want to be done, but I don't want to just have a C-section to be done. I don't know if he'll induce me (the plan was to do it at 39 weeks anyway, so we'll talk about that) or if the doc will want me to just go on and wait. I can't do that anymore. I can't take the stress of not being able to guarantee that he will be safe and born healthy. I have had increasingly disturbing nightmares. I can't sleep past 3 am anymore, and I get really uncomfy at night. I just want to hold my son. It will be a long weekend until Tuesday comes around.


It's so funny to me to see those lines like "I cann't do this anymore." or "I just want to be done with this pregnancy."

Even funnier is the fact that we went to the hospital the very next day, and he was born on the 28th. I never got to see Dr. A. to tell him that Nathaniel had turned!

It's so hard to believe that it's been two years. Even harder still to realize that he's not a baby any more. Yesterday, at breakfast, I was holding his cup so that he could drink and not spill. (The waitress had filled it quite high.) While I was holding it, he says, "I do it, Mama! I do it!" And so I let go. My baby is capable of doing so many things, and he just amazes me more and more every day.

Now I have to change. I can't call him Baby any more and I can't ask Pat to get the baby. He's not a baby any more...

A Busy Day Ahead

There is so much that I need to get done today, and I have no motivation to do any of it! I have to finish cleaning up the house for Nathaniel's party tomorrow. And, um, ok, that's all I really have to do.

We're going to go to my Mom's this morning, to see how her new place looks with all the furniture in it (and to help her learn how to use the remote for the cable. She is capaable of doing this herself, but the installer just told her that "it's in the book" every time she asked a question. Since Pat works for a cable company, (not the one she has) we thought it would just be easier to teach her.

But seriously, the cleaning has to get done. I know that if people were to come over right now, my house would be clean enough for surprise company. I just want it cleaner.

Of course, cleaning really does no good when you have a 2 year old. I had just finished vacuuming and put all the toys back in the toy box (in the living room) when Nathaniel and my mom got back from their walk. Needless to say, I have to put all the toys back in again.

And you know what toddlers are like... if they haven't played with it for months but siddenly it's put away, it's the only thing they want to play with. There's about 6 of those on my living room floor right now. But it's so worth it.

Up, Down, and All Around

So I have been all over the place with my feelings this week. Ok, all my life. Thanks for making me admit it. I was really down earlier this week. Pat and I have been trying to add to our family and this month was the first that we could try after the last miscarriage. I thought that we had great timing (we had a great time, anyway!). I was really positive with this cycle. But, the past few days I just knew that it wasn't this month. I was right. So, I was sad about that, but I was also strangely relieved that I wasn't pregnant. I can give myself a little more time to focus on my own health, and I don't have to obsess over every little thing for the next nine months.

I've also been up. After 14 months off, Pat went back to work this week. I could not have been more thrilled. It was such a relief to have that burden lifted from our shoulders, and I actually got some sleep a few nights. but, I really miss him. He's back to working 6 days a week, sometimes 10 hours a day. He leaves around 7, and since it's summer, Nathaniel is still asleep. He has gotten back both Monday and Tuesday in time to put Nathaniel to bed, and I am grateful for that. He loves his son so much and I can see it hurts him to be away so much, but we have to take care of our family. Sometimes that means making the hard choices. So, it's a win-win and a lose-lose situation there. Ugh.

Another reason to be glad and rejoice is that a very dear friend had her son this morning. She will be and already is a phenomenal mother. Much love to her and her new family.

Now, to the waiting period. Another very good friend of mine is going to be taking a pregnancy test on Friday. I have everything crossed for her in hopes that it will be positive. All she's ever wanted in life is to be a mom, and at our ages, it gets so much harder. BEst of luck to her as well!

I have also recommitted myself to getting healthier. I figure, since I'm not pregnant right now, I can go ahead and lose some weight. I walked a good mile and a half (to the library, then farmer's market next door, and then back) and have eaten really well today. Nathaniel wants spaghetti for dinner (yes, he asks for what he wants!) and that will be hard not to eat all those carbs. But I am focusing my energy on this one question: What do I want more, that particular food or a baby?

On a related note, some small victories today. First, we drove to Target this morning, and I thought to myself "we're already in the car. I could just stop at the libreary and market on the way home, and not walk." but I got my ass moving anyway. The weather was perfect too! Not hot with a great breeze. Another victory- nathaniel asked for pizza for lunch. He is just like his daddy there. I made one for him and he ate only half of it. That damn pizza was staring at me. I swear to you that I heard it call my name! But I didn't eat it! I threw it in the garbage- the one with the dirty diapers- so there was no way that I could eat it. I am eating my salad right now- made with romaine from the farmer's market- and althought it ain't pizza, it's not bad either. So, I've had 3 servings of veggies today (it's a big salad) and one fruit. I'm not supposed to eat fruit on Atkins, but shit. If I have to fall off the diet, at least it's with fruit, right?

And they were sooooo good.

Hey, I Just Realized...

I got a pedicure on Friday and that was on my list too!!!

As of today, I have completed 21 of my goals!! Holy Moly!! I feel pretty good about that. I have several more in progress. Using reusable grocery bags when I shop... Forgiving and forgetting (I am really trying, since I don't think it will be much longer.)... 100 things that make me happy and 100 things that make me angry.... Plus a whole bunch of things that I have to do daily, like read to and kiss Nathaniel every day. Tell Pat I love you every day... Stuff like that.

I wonder how many would be done if I marked all those complete. I know that I will tell Nathaniel I love him every day. Can I mark that as done, or do I have to wait until November 11. 2013? (that's when my days are over, and I start a new list.)

I am so proud of myself! Thanks again to the great friend who told me about it!

Another One Done... Sort Of.

I finished another one of the things on my 101 things to do in 1001 days. I went on a picnic with Nathaniel today... sort of. I went to the cemetary to visit my dad's grave. I always take two white roses when I go visit. One from me and one from Nathaniel. I took them, but picked up lunch for the two of us too. Afterall, it was nearly 11:30 when we got there, and that's Nathaniel's lunch time.

Anyway, we sat down at my dad's gravesite. I sat and talked to my dad for a whil. all the time feeding Nathaniel his hot dog and applesauce. (He happily shared the applesauce with his Bumpa, spilling it all over the grass.)

But it was really hard to be there. I just want to know if my dad would be proud of me, and proud of Nathaniel (who showed off his counting skills. He can count to 11.) I cried, hoping that Dad is proud of me, because it's so unfair that Nathaniel got so little time with him.

Nathaniel was also fascinated by all the flags. There is a flag attached to the American Legion marker next to dad's grave. Nathaniel asked what it was, and I told him. He decided to look for more, and, since Dad's buried in the Veteran's section of the cemetary, there were quite a few. I kept hearing "another one flag, Mama. Another one flag."

So now, after eating lunch in the grass with the bugs, and getting applesauce everywhere, I can cross of "Go On a Picnic" from my list. I think that makes 14 things done, but I have to double check.

Thinking of My Dad

Tomorrow is Father's Day. I am really missing my dad this weekend. It's the first Father's Day without my dad, and I am doing my best to process and deal with my feelings, which is why I am here this morning. I do plan to go to the cemetary tomorrow morning. But until then, some pictures of Dad with Nathaniel.


Nathaniel and Bumpa


I wish I had more...

Down in the Dumps

I feel really down today. The fact that I can't sleep is really getting to me. I stop drininking pop by 2 pm, yet I can't sleep past 5. That's a good day. Lately, it's been 4 am that I wake up. Today it was 2:30. Two fucking thirty. I kept flopping around until 4:30, when I finally gave up.

Speaking of giving up, I am quite angry with myself about my weight. I have gained several pounds since being off school. This was supposed to be the summer of success for me. I just feel like a gigantic failure. Seriously gigantic.

We got some good news yesterday about Pat's job situation. I thought it would be great enough of a relief that I would start sleeping again, but I guess not.

Everything should be going well, but it's not. I am hoping that when I go out this morning, I can shake the blues. I would also really like it if I could stop feeling nauseous in the morning if I'm not pregnant. I hate that.

Soaked!

So, I have been trying to eat better, and I just can't seem to break my old habits. I'd say my bad habits, but all my habits are pretty much bad, so... kinda pointless to add that.

But, after eating enough to make myself ill (although I wasn't, it was just enough to do it) I decided that Nathaniel and I would go for a walk. We walked a good long time. We were about 30 minutes into our walk (and therefore 30 minutes away from the house) when I heard the first rumble of thunder.

Yeah, it was about to rain. We turned around where we were and started heading back home faster than we had left. It didn't really help. About 3 blocks from home, the heavens opened up and soaked us. Nathaniel loved it. Of course he would, he was under the stroller shade. I, on the other hand, was not so lucky. I was soaking wet by the time we got home. It was a nice cool shower, but it would have been more welcome if I was closer to home and not wearing jeans.

You all know what wearing wet jeans is like, right?

We got home and I went to enter the garage, since I had the stroller. Of course, when I go to enter the password for the door, I have no clue what it is. Why can't husbands choose a number that means something to all persons who have to open the door, not just themselves?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I think I got wetter standing there than I did while walking back to the house.

I got Nathaniel to bed for a nap and by the time I had done that (which takes 5 minutes including the diaper change) it had completely stopped raining. Ugh.

But, I will admit, it was a lot of fun walking in the rain. I recommend it to everyone.

A Punch in the Gut

A good friend of Pat's announced today that he and his wife are expecting their first child. While I am truly happy for them, it just felt like I was punched right in the gut.

I would've been 20 weeks today, which is halfway. We'd have been about 3 weeks from finding out the sex of the baby. Right now it just hurts.

On the other hand, I think we had really good timing this month, and in 9 days, I will be able to take a test. We shall see.

Good luck to our friends. May they (she) have an easy pregnancy and a very healthy child.

Trying Again

So I am back on Atkins as of today. I'm struggling with the choices that I have to make, but I know that in the long run it will be best for me and my family. But I am feeling good about my decision. I made some hamburgers for lunch, and I need to throw more veggies into my life. I hope that I can keep this up for at least the next month.

There are more reasons to choose this lifestyle than to not. I also think it's why I have been feeling so down in the dumps lately. I mean, to the point where I'm dreaming about smoking and having an affair with someone else. (In the dream the guy told me he shouldn't have kissed me and I told him that I shouldn't have, because I was married. He replied with "You deserve to be happy."- and for further clarification, the affair consisted of a single kiss.)

But, I do deserve to be happy. I am going to have to find that myself.

Update to My Last Entry

At the end of the last entry I wrote how I was wishing I could be someone other than myself. Not be a mom or a wife. Not be anything that I am.

Well, I take it all back. I just watched Shrek Forever After. It's amazing to me how little things that see, so inconsequential can speak volumes. Shrek wanted a day where he wasn't a father or married... just a day to himself. He ends up realizing what he would lose if he gave it all up.

Now, I know it's just a movie, but man... I feel so much better.

Exhausted!

Today has been such a long day. It started at 5 this morning with me waking up. I heard Nathaniel in his room, making some noise, although he was not yet awake. I got up and as I was climbing over the gate, he woke up. Ugh. I like an hour or so to myself in the morning. It's the only good thing about waking up so early.

Anyway, I went in to get him, knowing tha thte sheets would be soaked and so would he. I was wrong! He woke up dry!!! We went to the bathroom and he peed in the toilet. I was so excited that I called to Pat to wake up and cheer for Nathaniel. I thought to myself, "Wow, this is really going to work."

I should have known better. There were only two more times that he went pee on the toilet all day. By 10:30 this morning, we had gone through as many pairs of underwear as we had all day yesterday. I am so stressed out about this I can't even explain it.

I really want to give up. I know that I can't... not yet anyway. I have to give it at least the 3 days, right? Pat and I were just beyond frustrated, and began snapping at each other. My mom came over for a while and tried to help me out with some of the birthday stuff I need to get done, but mostly I just wanted to cry and get out!

Lately, I have been feeling like I don't want to be me. I don't want to be a mom or a wife. I don't want to be a teacher. I don't want to be me. It scares the shit out of me that I feel that way. I hate feeling like that and I am hoping that it's just the stress that I have right now. This is supposed to be an awesome summer for me. It's not working out that way.

I am still hoping that by tomorrow evening, he gets it. I truly think that we have been following the method exactly. One of us is always with him. We give him tons of priase, even when he doesn't do anything. We constatnly remind him to tell us that he has to go potty. We check for dry underpants. It just isn't clicking.

Maybe I am pushing too much too soon. I really thought thaat he wou;d be able to do this in a snap.

Today Was a Long Day

So, we started potty training Nathaniel today. Some parts were easier than I had anticipated, others were not. Now, this method calls for calm patience and spotting the moment he starts to pee. Well, that is nearly impossible to do when he sits in a high chair for meals.

I also was getting frustrated. But not at him, at Pat. I was hoping that he's be more helpful but he was really a hinderance. Mostly when spotting when he started peeing.

But, Nathaniel used the toilet twice today and I was very proud. We did make a big deal out of it and showed him how proud we were.

I have to go get him up in a little bit to go try again for him to pee. I know that he won't stay dry through the night (He wasn't dry during naptime.) But we will keep trying. 13 pairs of underpants later, I am finally getting a break.

Emotional Overload

My emotions are all over the place today. I helped my mom find a new place to live. It was great to spend time with her and to be able to help her out. It's something she's never had to do before. At the end, when she called the owner of the place she really liked, she was crying. I told her that I was very proud of her, because if she could do that, she can do anything.

In all honesty, I was terrified of the places she was looking at. Not the best of neighborhoods. I really wanted her to move closer to me (maybe after she retires). She didn't want to do it because it's too far for her to go to work. We did find a nice place in a good area. I feel confident about the place, which I think really has helped her. Once she sells the house she's in right now, there will be a lot less stress in her life. So my emotion is happy.

I also am sad because I am packing up Nathaniel's baby clothes and throwing out the rest of the diapers tomorrow. There's about 10 that I will be actually tossing, so it's not too bad. But I am losing my baby and gaining a big boy. So I am happy and sad. I am also scared. What if I fail him?

I am also excited about him finally being out of diapers. Not like he's four or anything. In fact he's not even two. But to be able to go without extra diapers and wipes will be awesome. I ordered a travel potty, for while he is new to the potty thing, and 10 extra liners. I also ordered toilet seat covers for when we have no choice but to use a public bathroom. It's not the germs that concern me so much as the falling in. Because he is so small, I will have to hold him. I think the liners (which stick on the seat) will help make him feel at ease. It's my hope anyway.

I am excited for another reason too. I think we (Pat and I) had really good timing this month to possibly get pregnant this month. I tell myself that I will not be upset if it doesn't happen this month, but I know myself way better than that. I will be upset. But, I should know either way in two weeks. As usual, the "2 week window" will be long. At least I have things to look forward to that will help pass the time. Potty training Nathaniel, going to the zoo, going to the museum, Nathaniel's birthday party (technically after the 2ww, but I have to get stuff ready.)

So, that's where I stand today. I little happy, a little sad, a little excited and completely crazy. I guess it's all normal after all.

I Rock and Other Stuff

I sent my sister a text this morning about Nathaniel and I coming for a visit. She replied and said too busy and it ended with "you rock!" I was so excited thinking I was something special. I sent her back a text asking what I had done to get a "you rock." I was thinking of all the possibilities- because I'm me... because Nathaniel is my son... Because it's a billion degrees out and I still took Nathaniel for a walk... The possibilities were endless.

She texted me back and my dreams were crushed. It's just her signature. SIGH... I am not so special after all. But, I still thought it was pretty damn funny.

Speaking of walking, it is stupid hot right now. 9 in the morning and it's over 80 plus humidity. Nathaniel really loves that wagon, so I took him for a walk anyway. I was so hot by the time we got back. I'd like to think that the really good looking condstruction worker that waved was waving at me, but I'm pretty sure it was at Nathaniel. He was really excited to see the big trucks that are redoing the cross street at the other end of the block (and I am happy it's at the other end of the block!). We only went around the block once, but I did take that walk again.

Tomorrow, it's supposed to be about 30 degrees cooler than today (stuffy nose anyone?) and rainy. We'll be going for that walk for sure! Good day to play in the rain. We will also be helping my mom find an apartment tomorrow, so that will consume a good portion of my day.

Oh, I almost forgot. I cleaned out the car (for our trip to Michigan City) so I can cross another thing off my day zero project list. Still working on others and will update on those when I can.

A Great Adventure Is About To Begin

In a week, my son should be potty trained. We are using the method "3 day potty training" from Lora Jensen at www.3daypottytraining.com. I am terrified, excited and sad. Terrified that he will never get it. Excited that this time has come. And sad, because he won't be a baby anymore.

I know that there are so many things that will change while we are getting it right. We will be restricted on what we can do and where we can go. But I know that we can commit to doing this and doing it right.

We have 30 pairs of underwear, which is what is recommended, plus the potty chair. I have read the book and methodology behind this program and I could begin tomorrow, except that we have some plans for the week. On Tuesday, Mom, Aunt Denise, Nathaniel and I (and maybe Pat) are going to Michigan City for the day. Then on Thursday, I am helping mom look for apartments. SO we will start on Friday.

On a kind of related note, a very dear friend of mine is about a week away from having her first child. I feel as if she and I are on opposite ends of the mommyhood spectrum, when in reality, our children will only be two years apart. It makes me feel kind of alienated from everyone else I know, since I am not close to anyone else that has young children. I mean, I know a few others, but I am not close to them. I don't know if my crying is normal or if I am just psychotic. Maybe both?

But, I really do feel all alone. I love my child more than anyone on the planet, and always will. I was just hoping that after having him my other friends and I would get closer. We take Nathaniel everywhere, and we can go places on the drop of a hat (usually) but we never go anywhere or do anything. It makes me feel bad for him. Pat has friends that have 2 year olds, but the other moms and I have very little in common and they are much younger than I am.

What I am looking forward to is sex. (I giggled a little typing that.) We are clear to go ahead and try again. Part of me hopes that this is it, and part of me hopes not. I just so miss being pregnant (and it's been nearly 2 years!). I am, however, leaving it up to God's will. I am going to start temping (taking your temperature first thing in the morning to determine when ovlation is). I will start doing that on my next cycle if I don't get pregnant this cycle. So a lot to look forward to in the next few weeks.

New big boys, new babies, and hopefully, new (healthy) pregnancies.

This Should Be 8 Entries

There are so many things running through my head, and I will attempt to put them in some sort of order, but we all know how that might turn out. But here goes:

Entry 1: I Heard That Damn Song

I heard "Say What You Need to Say" on the radio this morning. I tried so hard not to cry, but I did. I think because I was thinking about being pregnant again by the time we go back to school in the fall. (Fall, ha! But that is another of the ramblings.) I am scared to get pregnant and scared not to.

I hate the waiting. I hate the what ifs. I hate that part of me wants to wait until I lose weight. I hate that part of me that knows that will never happen. I hate that if I do get pregnant, it will not be easy. I hate knowing what can happen to an unborn child when their mother is diabetic.

However, I loved being pregnant with Nathaniel. I loved the connection that we had. I loved singing Christmas songs to him in my tummy. I loved reading to him every day. I loved feeling him squirm inside me. I loved feeling him kick. I loved that Pat could feel him kick too. I loved the excitement that we shared. I loved talking to Nathaniel in my belly. I loved my 3:30 Jeopardy and ice cream time, and Nathaniel would go crazy every day at that time.

But I am scared.

Entry 2: Last Day Of School

HALLELUJAH!!!!! I am so happy that today is the last day of school. No more pencils, no more books, no more parent's dirty looks! No more 11 year old body odor. No more stopping fights over who looked at a boy or girl. No more stress!!

I can't wait to take my blood pressure next week and see how it's changed. I am so looking forward to my summer break. I know that it will be hard to keep Nathaniel entertained, since he is so used to being around other kids, but we can go to the park to play with other kids. We already signed up for the summer reading program at the library, and I think I may sign him up for a swim class. We won't be able to walk there though.

But it's over.

Entry 3: Summer Plans

OK, so I mailed out my baby's birthday invites this morning. I cry just thinking about it. Where has the time gone? My son is almost 2 years old. While I walked to the office to turn in my keys at school, I thought, "just two years ago I walked down this hall thinking next time I walk down them, I will be a mom." It just really hit me this morning. In 3 short years, I will be sending my boy to Kindergarten. I know he will just love it. All the kids, the structure, the learning... but I am getting ahead of myself. I want to enjoy this summer with my son. He is such an amazing little guy.

So, we have his party on June 26th, and his actual birthday on the 28th. I am thinking about going to the pool on that day, and asking some family to come along to swim. I think that would be fun for him. He goes to the dentist tomorrow (eek!) and then oon the 29th, he goes for his two year old check up and shots. July is pretty clear right now, but then in August we have Pat's birthday. I am planning a surprise party for him at Dave and Buster's, and I have to finish figuring out what we'll be having and all the logistics of the whole thing. It's going to cost a pretty penny, but I really want to be able to do it for him. It will also mark the end of my summer, so I really don't want to think too much about it.

But it will be fun!

Entry 4: Forgive and Forget

I have been really tring hard with this goal on my 101 things to do in 1001 days. I just find it really hard. The person is getting sicker and sicker, and part of me thinks that he deserves it. And then I despise myself for thinking that. When he dies, it will cause so much hurt to others that I love dearly. I don't want them to hurt at all, for any reason. I have been kinder to this person in recent months, but I really just can't stand the way he treats people. That's the crux of it. (Is crux a word that I've spelled and used correctly?) Why does a person treat someone so badly, and then expect that person to be "on call" 24/7? I mean, berating the person for every little thing and making them feel guilty for things they had no control over, but still demanding that no matter what that person has going on in life, they drop it for the sick person? I don't get it. Not at all.

But I am trying.

Entry 5: Another Goal Done

Speaking of my 101 things to do in 1001 days, I finished another goal yesterday without even realizing it. At the end of the school year, we have a party to celebrate. I bought them pizza for lunch. Usually, I collect money for the cost of the pizza, but this year I didn't. So I accomplished goal number 91, buy pizza for my class. Yay me, another one down.

OK, I think that may be all I have to say right now. School has ended and in a few minutes I have to go out to the BBQ. Can't wait until it's over.

HAPPY SUMMER 2011!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

The Summer Of Walking

So I am calling this my "summer of walking." We live so close to the library and grocery store, and park, so I am hoping that (other than doctor appointments and things that we will have to drive to) we can walk everywhere this summer.

We walked to the library already. We went tonight, pulling the wagon. Nathaniel loved it. We signed up for our library's summer reading program. I have to read 25 books to Nathaniel (what will we do next week?) and I have to read for 40 hours. My darling hubby told me that would be no problem. I could get it done in a day! Good thing he's cute, right?

So, hopefully, all this walking will help get me healthier, too.

Falling Into the 21st Century

After Nathaniel decided that my phone would like to go swimming (it didn't), I finally got a new phone. I got an iphone. I am enjoying it thus far. The one thing that really made me mad though was that since the phones are under Pat's name, I couldn't get a new one without him being there. That really pissed me off. I usually pay the phone bill, and they can very easily see that the number is part of the plan. But because my name isn't one there, I couldn't get any new phone. So, I called him and told him he had to come. He saw the iphones (and has wanted one for a long time) so we went ahead and got him one as well.

Originally, I wasn't going to get one, since I don't care for touch screens, but it's really easy to use. So, now I have a new phone, and I hope it doesn't decide to swim... ever.

I really hope that I am able to get my pictures back though.